Interview with Hotei

                             A crack in my porcelain mask... 

One thing I certainly believe in is that with time... I have built  a wall a tower around me using the bricks of "solitude", "Broken dreams", "lost friendship", "abandonment". It is a tower that grows tall and taller around me suffocating me and all my dreams... till they are almost forgotten in the now dark inside, but as dark it can be if you look up, you will still see a ray of light and as far the opening may be, it is there as a monument to remind you there is always the light out of the tower's wall's.

Closing your self within your self  will not help you... a contradiction!. I locked my self in a fictional world so many times to escape reality that every time I tried to get back to the real world I was scared to do so. I loved my world, it was created just for me... a refuge, a shelter form this storm called life.

Many times I asked my self what if instead of this I did that, would that have changed something? My answer to that is yes it would... but then again, would I be happy with the result of the other answer? would it be better or worst?. This can go on forever and lead me to nowhere.

When I was little I was over protected with love form my mother, some times not understanding her actions, then later in life I founding the answer, others I have still to find. Mum was always there for me supporting me believing in me and in all that  I did. Dad was never there, in any way or form!. To my brothers and me he gave us all that we wanted but never what we needed... love of a father ....at least I feel so. 
Mum always protected him.... always!, whatever he did or said!, may be... it  could be the fact that we were raised in a highly catholic family and the woman had to stand and support the man in the upbringing and managing the education of the children. Already here making this point I am contradicting myself again saying upbringing and managing education, he never did that!. Not mentioning his bad temper and loosing of reason 100 times a day!! no one was to confront him or say he was wrong!, only his opinion was right and all the rest were wrong! 


"There was time I wondered and adventured my self in darkness not knowing what I was doing...One thing I was sure...I never wanted to become like you dad!!...".
  

Things are more calm these days, could be the fact that mum was hit by a light dementia, and the surgery a few years ago to fight  cancer. 

I was always alone.. me being the youngest out of three, there was a huge gap between my brothers and me not only of age but also intellectual and believes. My eldest brother got married very young and left home in the attempt of raising his own family "and perhaps doing a far better job out of it" my other brother... he just leaves...sometimes for days leaving me as an "intermediator". So I was left alone facing and standing against the currents. 

Many times I tried to ignore all this, many times I confronted the problems but that made no difference I was called "rebellious"! for having different ideas and beliefs. As I reached adulthood things changed again..or I changed to camouflage, have a "low profile".

Cassidy was always there, she too believed in me, in my potential, and in all that I wished to do or perform.
Many of the achievements I won in life were thanks to my mother and Cassidy and for that I thank them from the bottom, of my heart.

Now that I turned into a man, other questions and dilemmas come to confront me, every day... and if before I could share with you mum ..or you Cassidy... now I cant! I must reach the light alone... it feels just like the weight of the world... the tower I have built can become to high to tall to big to support its own weight, and when its to big to support any more, it crushes down ...on me, and back in the dark I shall  return...