Speak my mind...

If I think what to say about all of my stories my answer would be that I haven't got a clue really. All of this happened just slightly over a year ago I know, but it feels like my mind is trying to erase every last residue of memory left behind. If I try to remember what I felt all I can think and feel is a bitter-sweet feeling deep inside my chest. It kind of makes me smile now that is all passed...passed, yes... but not completely forgotten, how can one ever forget his emotions? they might not be very clear but you cant really remove them.

Many times I try to put the blame on him, but then again I know that "it takes two to tango". I let him do this to me only cause I let him do it to me. I feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit angry only for the lies that later came, for deceiving me, for breaking me and for playing a rough game with my mind. I believe that one persons heart can break many times but yet it finds ways to mend its self, but one persons mind is far more difficult to fix.

You know..it is even more painful when I think how much I have changed, how much pain I caused to the one that remained standing by my side all this time. The one that always loved me for what I was and for what I am. Must add she might have hid her feelings many times, many times I felt like I was taken for granted, that I would have always be there, and perhaps she never realised that some of her words could have been felt like a blunt dagger trying to find way trough my flesh. I have not helped the situation ether with my stubbornness nor with my attitude. But I never seized to love her, of that I am sure. I might have not sown it, but I always did.

I must admit that it was not easy to walk away, to find the courage to pick up all of the pieces and carry on. And I would have not done it if I did not receive help when needed, I was lucky to find someone to stop me when I was about to commit stupid actions. And for a man to admit he was wrong many times feels like the greatest challenge.

If you asked me how I feel now or if still have feelings for Guga the answer is easy. I do miss the person, the human in his crudity, but it feel stupid now to say. This was a chapter that it was meant to happen to help me understand more my self and how important the persons in my life are. I moved on but never forgotten the way I came, it was long... it was not easy, but it was needed as I believe all happens for a reason.

Slowly the wound left behind healed, yet the scar is still visible, but I proudly show it as I am now not afraid to show... to show my weakness, actually I feel almost brave and mature to share my story. It is never easy to speak my mind freely, it never is, as the smallest of my memories unleash bigger emotions now buried deep inside me...

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