The rain whispered.

Destiny is what created this blog and guess its destiny that is knocking on my door again. Just by coincidence wanted to read the last actual post I wrote, it have been a long while and I could not remember what was it or what it talked about. It was ordinary. Yes just like me, but there! something made me smile. Something made me say the old words "ah! destiny" long time I did not mention you!. And here you are again on my threshold waiting and waving for me. What was it you ask? "Monday, 24 February 2014" the same date as today! call that a coincidence!.



I do not know how many times I have come here and stared for hours at a blank screen. Perhaps hitting a few buttons and then moments later hit the delete button and erase all in mere seconds.

But unexpected events, warm whispers from distant friends keep coming at night, waking me up. Sweet hauntings, mellow lullabies. This I cannot delete, these I cannot turn my back too. And guess this is how it all started on a cold rainy day. Days like these make me feel the want to write. Perhaps the charcoal grey of the sky reminds me of the traces the pen leaves on a blank page. The smell of winter and the tight grasp of all that is winter drags me to this nostalgic state of mind. The cold wind howling, raindrops frantically bombing my window and the smell of wet grass, yes this is it the perfect recipe for winter. The perfect setting for me to remember. The perfect time for words and thoughts to sprout.

Still it is not easy to pick the exact words I want to say, its not easy to break the thick layer of ice that it has been created, but even the biggest of journeys have its start with a very humble beginning.

What to say? ordinary! that is me, that is what it have become of me. Still cashing my dreams, new dreams, its funny it never stops  a vicious circle this is!!. always wanting more, always looking for something new as insignificant or bombastic as it may be. So nothing really have changed you may think, perhaps not much, its the same old me. The same old me missing my dear friends and missing this world of words and thoughts.

Sometimes I take a little peek at this magical world for a tiny while but unfortunately it stops there, other times I grab a notebook that came across the ocean and a pen that the waves brought on these shores long before, but it stops there, words simply don't flow.

Even now I look at these few lines and the only word I seem to find fitting is eclectic. That's me always wanting to make a lot, starting a hundreds of  tasks and finish none of them. And I guess this is another beginning, another chapter of my life, a fresh page.... this thanks to you for waking me up dear rain...dear friends...and here it starts...

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Understanding

Once more they made their way into my dreams. Once again I have been awaken by murmurs inside my head. The uncontrollable urge to empty my mind. Now that I know there is no way back, there is no way to erase what's done. I can't just let them go, these unsaid words are to dear to me, to dear to let go...

How funny this is, funny... perhaps I should say awkward. Awkward, is a much suitable word to use.  Lately I been writing and writing every thought that crosses my mind. I been writing on every vessel that could carry my thoughts away.  Anything!, as long the surface was good enough to write on. Anything to stop the tormenting voices inside my head, voices of the words still unsaid. I know if I don't let them out they  cease to exist, and how can I do this to them, they did nothing wrong they were born for the single reason to preserve, to make her somehow listen more the words I never say. And how can I ever ignore them? these sweet nothings...

These sweet little noises, perhaps good to say more then just whispers. Not easy to let them out, I forced them down deep inside. Perhaps one day they will make more sense, perhaps one day she'll understand them more. Perhaps one day I will understand them more. Perhaps one day I will understand the same texts I write. Perhaps one day I will learn to read properly the language of my heart.

These words may not be worth enough to share, but maybe one day they will kiss air. Whispers gently carried by the air we breath. To make us understand more this sentiment that words enough can never explain.

I know she craves for more, I know it have become a drug that keeps her coming and wanting more. Not greed perhaps, more assurance that it was not a dream, not a figment of her imagination. I am sure words will spread, and once more words will be set free while she peeks in disguise...

This is you, the soft lullaby playing softly in my mind. 

Something I can't simply turn my back on. 

This is you, the clear image before my eyes. 

Something I can't just ignore. 

This is you, the gentile touch on my skin. 

Something I can feel and know is real. 

Picture by tumblr 

Everytime

...

This is not easy to explain, and not sure how am I suppose to react. For once in my life I had a place where I felt safe, a place where I could be me, a place that was mine. There I rested and shared what most was dear to me. Ho! but when I say dear I really mean it, the words that are trapped inside my head, sometimes eager to get out! other times must shake my head really hard to get them out, shy words I guess...

Words that are afraid to show, cause they think they are not worthy or insignificant. Not quite right I must say, not quite right she may think!. For me, like a "fountain of youth", it keeps my memory young, the image clear the scent of her crisp.

She needed not to know, she could read it all trough my eyes, if only she had a manual of how to use. Did she need a proof? something to hold on to? or just curiosity to clear what was uncertain to her?. Thought I was clear as glass, easy to see trough. Perhaps she needed more, of the little words I share.

Now she sleeps with a smile, but the kind I have rarely seen, not the one I was used to. A smile that emits satisfaction with a hint of pride, a pinch of selfishness a potion for disaster it read in my book. But no! I might have misspelled! I now look at sentiments more profound!.

When it comes to look at a blank screen I find it hard to type words, now that I know I caught the attention of her eyes. Afraid of not what she might find, but afraid her eyes will scare the words away. Words I so hardly sought, words I carefully picked, words I carefully saved from a certain loss!.

I say, there is no need to know more then she already know. There is no need to search the land she knows by heart as she discovered and brought to light every treasure there was to find. But we are humans, and humans doubt.

When you doubt yourself read me, when you doubt me leave me... everytime you need to be sure kiss me. Everytime you want me you know the way to find me, and when you get lost in this land you know, look for the map inside your heart.

For this I speak is an ode to love, as all I breath is love, tells love...show love...means love...

       

You now have the key to the secret garden, you can choose to keep it locked and preserve the balance that reigned within its high walls, you may choose to explore an let winter freeze the stories yet untold....

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Remember

We came to a point were we almost lost it all. It was not easy to go trough it all. We are weak, we get lost, we stumble and fall but we manage to find each other every time.  

Remember...

There was this time were we thought we could never do it, that we could never reach the goals we have set. Set our goals to hight, we thought... asked to much!. There was this time were we felt so small, so helpless and that we could never find a way out. Silly us... the answer was always there in front of us. The answer was us, our love, our hopes and dreams.

Remember...

Perhaps this is how it works, how it is all suppose to work. It takes time, we constantly grow and learn. The past taught me a lot on how to be a man, small daily stories safely stored in the meanders of my mind. I hold on tightly to my past good or bad as it may have been. Perhaps I cant let go of some things I wish I have left behind but guess if I still hold onto them it means they were important to me enough to not let go.

Remember...

Sweated all of our blood to come were we are today, perhaps somewhat wiser. Somehow somewhat better. Now I can see reflections of you in my future, I can see you waving to me from behind a glass as I write down my thoughts while watching sunset. Can hear you calling me within those walls. I can see you laying down on the bed beside me staring at the ceiling, I can feel you  reaching for me and wrapping your arms around me, feeling your warm breath on my neck. I can see me smile back at you, holding you, wanting more of you every single day.

Remember...

We can follow the trail we left along the path of time, We can inhale the scent we left behind, we can remember the touch of our lips on each others skin.




This is what I want to remember...

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Checkmate

Run away! Be gone!

All my feelings turned to rage

The spell is undone!

  How many times do I have to endure?...                    How many times do I have to walk these roads?...

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... I craved so much for you in the past and you just kept saying the same cold no...

All of my love, all of my feelings, every little tiny bit of me craved for you. Now those past feelings turned to rage, everything that reminds me of you unleashes anger. Not regretting though... no this is not regret... how can I regret what once made me happy? how can I regret what made me the man I am today?.

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... Now you are craving for me, for my heart, more then ever but I'll just say no...

You never thought you'll loose your own game, you never thought this boy would one day grow into a man only to find out and realising what a twisted game you played...

This quick note is not the end, its just a reminder to look back at for when my mind asks why or for when your lips ask me why... This is where our paths divide, this is where I say goodbye...this is where I take over the game....

Who are you?... who are you? to dare tell me you love me! is this part of your perfect plotted plan to assault my mind?. You can now play the old lullaby over and over, but my mind have now grown immune to its sound. I have learned to nod my head but will never listen... you'll never rule again.

Isn't it funny how this chapter has come to an end in the most unpredictable way? My pen drained enough precious ink over you...and my tears have long washed the blood stained paper on which I mourned your love on...

I confess my mistakes as many I did and I admit, I am far from perfect, I am far from good but at least I was true...

A continuation from the lights of Lisbon 

Picture by Hotei ©  

Feet in the sand

The wind blew strong yesterday somehow, somewhat coldish, its just like winter still wants to linger a bit longer here. The clouds hid the sun from us giving us only a glimpse of sunshine.  Still this did not stop us from meeting and yet again watch another sunset...

 

Everyday is a bonus, she mumbled to me again while dipping for the first time this year our feet in the cold waters. I wrapped myself warm in my blue cardigan, holding to it as the wind blew strong almost making us tumble. "come on! its not that cold" she said with a smirk on her face, she knows us islanders can't stand the cold. Thinking that last June we were already bathing in the same waters, and today we were shivering by just standing there looking at the mighty waves.  Looked back at Cassidy sitting on the sand all wrapped up trying to trap any heat wanting to escape trough the plastic cup that she was tightly holding in the palm of her hands. She gave us a grin and waved back to us.

"I'm so pleased I can be still here with you, this is what makes me go on, fighting time, making the most of the little I have left". What an amazing woman she is I thought, grateful for every breath she takes. I want to grow old just like her, holding no regrets, just memories dear to me, with the people I love and making the most while they are still here.

Walked along the beach already crowded with people trying to make the most of the little sun that escaped trough the cloudy sky. We made it next to Cassidy and shared a few smiles and a few chocolates snapping a few last shots to capture the beauty within that windy day, shared with people dear to me.

Left the beach with the promise to come back soon, to share more memories and even more smiles. It would have not been a complete day if not ended with a sunset. Watched it from home..our home..having tea with a soft whisper of a breeze promising  that summer will be here soon...

Pictures by Hotei ©

Reminiscences...

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to write about  you... 

But how can you drown the will to put a stop to the constant loss of those sweet memories...

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to think of you... 

 But how can you not think, when everything reminds me of you...  

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to dream of you...

 But who can ever decide what one dreams... 

I know you wish me to be gone, but yet I know something holds you back from leaving the thought of me behind. Darling you delivered your bleeding heart to me, but I was simply too scared to hold your hand. God knows how much it hurt me to see you depart, and God knows how hard it was to force my lips shut and utter no sound.

I have tried to ignore this feeling but yet something pulls me back to you over and over again. I promise that I will never shatter your world again, not for fear to break my own as mine turned to ashes the day you turned your back and walked away...far...without ever looking back.

How can you deny there was love where once there was emptiness... now it hurts even more to know we drown our feelings to deny each other...thus we do.

Alas, you had to leave, I will not weep for you today, but will shed a tear of joy as gratitude for coming into my life and fill it with short happy moments....moments I'll treasure trough my whole life.

Darling you came into my life faster then thunder and then left even more fast. You did not stay long into my life, but just long enough to leave your imprint on this thick skinned man.  

Darling I send you my love and a reminder that I'll always be here for you now and always... 

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Sail me to shore

Katie Melua - If You Were A Sailboat

Last year this time we were planing how our life would have change in a year or so. Much have changed but we are still far from the goals we've set, far yet so close...

Guess all we have to do is to keep believing in the dreams we shared, we still share them after all. One day soon...very soon I hope... will become a reality.

Last year this time we walked down a sandy beach while the cool wind from the sea caressed our faces warmed by the soft sun of May. Our heart beating fast like a steam engine trying to catch up our breath  as we reached the shore...and feel the cold waters upon our feet. 

I remember it all as if it was only yesterday. Spent hours looking at a sailing boat gently rocking in the sea. And  we wondered how it would feel to be a sail-boat and wander from shore to shore. Wouldn't it be lovely?...

I remember the cold waters on our naked feet as we ran all the way back acting like kids again, or perhaps cause I fell in love again in that very moment...and yet again time seemed to have stopped. 

Thought it would have been a day just like every other ordinary day..walking silently along the sea hand in hand, perhaps...not uttering any word, letting a smile..a smirk transmit our feelings. 

Wouldn't it be lovely...if we could sit again on the same moist red sand sharing the beach with no one. And wouldn't it be lovely to find again the memories we left behind...I dearly keep these images of us, the beach, and that calm sail-boat almost enchanting on that perfect day. 

If you were a sail-boat I'll sail you to the same safe shore, I'll sail you safe through the storms. Not afraid of the high waves and the violent winds as they will blow me to this enchanted place, making me forget what we have just been through. I don't mind as long I'll have you. 

We soon had to go, the day got fast short, and we were no longer alone. But just before we turned our back, a last stare,  waved goodbye to that sail-boat promised we be back again to that very same shore, perhaps on another perfect day... 

For the words I never say, the feelings many times I don't show.

Bust just because I don't shout them out to the entire world it doesn't mean I don't love you... 

Thank you my love for reading my mind and understanding me even if many times my lips don't let out the words you expect to hear...

Pictures by Hotei 

Lyrics & music Katie Melua 

You...

There where the sun rests

There where the wind dies

There where the echo sleeps

There where the stars are born

There where love resides

There I found you...

Picture by Hotei

Humming the same old melody...

Katie Melua - Mary Pickford

I'm just a man with dreams, simple!, ordinary dreams, but these are the dreams that make my world as it is, myself as I am. Me... in my good days and bad days, good or bad as I may be. I may open my mind and write down my emotions in a few lines, trying to find a way to feel lighter; hoping, working and striving for these dreams to become a reality. I think of myself as a character in a book engaging new adventures with every line that I read, overcoming  obstacles, meeting new characters  discovering more with every page I read in this story I call life.....



For the past two weeks I have been working on the last few renovations left in our apartment. Many times I be just alone in the empty rooms, only me and the thoughts in my head, and the awaiting dreams within those walls...those walls that are already saturated with dreams, some of them shattered and others that I want to hold onto. These are the dreams and memories I want to share with you....



A recent memory I be holding on is the one that happened today, guess this is what make people fall deep in for each other...the capability to share memories trough time, to be able to look back and say we done this together, we have over come that together, even if many times some things are left unsaid...like we are afraid to utter words to express feelings, but the beauty within life is that sometimes we can say a thousand word without talking....a look, a smile can tell a million things....

"Mary Pickford used to eat roses 

Thought that they'd make her beautiful and they did, 

one supposes.. "

 ...I hum, when I be standing on the stool trying to re-give glory to the old iron doors. Simply painting I find it to be almost therapeutic, it calms me and makes me feel happy....

"Douglas Fairbanks, he was so handsome,

He wore a moustache, 

Must-a had much cash, too,

Worth a king's ransom..."

  

...Well I be alone when singing, not everyone can appreciate talent or recognise a good voice when they hear it, if you get my drift...

"Charlie Chaplin, he was invited, 

When these artists became united..."

...Today I was not alone, Cass came along and helped me with the works. Time goes by faster when you have company and exchange a few words...or a smile perhaps... 

"David Griffith worked as an extra, 

Then as a stage-hand, 

Until they let him be

A director"

... Therapeutic yes! if done for a short while that is...after a few hours or better say days it is not even remotely calming and I find it of not any benefit at all...

"Dave was brave, a mover and shaker,

A true pioneer,

He seemed to show no fear, 

A real film maker"

....Made my self a coffee....coffee always makes the trick. Wandered in the empty rooms thinking of just nothing holding my brown hot mug in my hand, when I heard a soft hum...walked towards the familiar tune, there she was, with that sweet soft grin on her face...reminding me why I fell in love with her...

"They tied the knot together, 

Groom and bride couldn't hide their pleasure,

They tried to pick fair weather, 

But love died, didn't last forever"

...It is strange yet fascinating how she picked the same song I always sing when I'm alone...Thought I was dreaming...no it was real...real like the memory I be holding of this day....

"Mary Pickford used to eat roses, 

Thought that they'd make her beautiful and they did, 

One supposes......"

...

Written down as a reminder as I constantly grow... love, perhaps unspoken and for the things I leave unsaid....to you my lovely sweet inspiration. Thank you to be the simple you, I happen to love very much that simple you....yours Hotei.

Picture by Hotei

Music   & lyrics by Katie Melua 

Warm like spring.

 Like an Autumn leaf,

my heart shivers with the wind,

it beats, warm like spring.

Picture by Hotei

Speak my mind...

If I think what to say about all of my stories my answer would be that I haven't got a clue really. All of this happened just slightly over a year ago I know, but it feels like my mind is trying to erase every last residue of memory left behind. If I try to remember what I felt all I can think and feel is a bitter-sweet feeling deep inside my chest. It kind of makes me smile now that is all passed...passed, yes... but not completely forgotten, how can one ever forget his emotions? they might not be very clear but you cant really remove them.

Many times I try to put the blame on him, but then again I know that "it takes two to tango". I let him do this to me only cause I let him do it to me. I feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit angry only for the lies that later came, for deceiving me, for breaking me and for playing a rough game with my mind. I believe that one persons heart can break many times but yet it finds ways to mend its self, but one persons mind is far more difficult to fix.

You know..it is even more painful when I think how much I have changed, how much pain I caused to the one that remained standing by my side all this time. The one that always loved me for what I was and for what I am. Must add she might have hid her feelings many times, many times I felt like I was taken for granted, that I would have always be there, and perhaps she never realised that some of her words could have been felt like a blunt dagger trying to find way trough my flesh. I have not helped the situation ether with my stubbornness nor with my attitude. But I never seized to love her, of that I am sure. I might have not sown it, but I always did.

I must admit that it was not easy to walk away, to find the courage to pick up all of the pieces and carry on. And I would have not done it if I did not receive help when needed, I was lucky to find someone to stop me when I was about to commit stupid actions. And for a man to admit he was wrong many times feels like the greatest challenge.

If you asked me how I feel now or if still have feelings for Guga the answer is easy. I do miss the person, the human in his crudity, but it feel stupid now to say. This was a chapter that it was meant to happen to help me understand more my self and how important the persons in my life are. I moved on but never forgotten the way I came, it was long... it was not easy, but it was needed as I believe all happens for a reason.

Slowly the wound left behind healed, yet the scar is still visible, but I proudly show it as I am now not afraid to show... to show my weakness, actually I feel almost brave and mature to share my story. It is never easy to speak my mind freely, it never is, as the smallest of my memories unleash bigger emotions now buried deep inside me...

Pictures by tumblr 

The horrible truth

"I think you are making a terrible mistake Hotei!"

 "Think about it, think about your life...your future"

 "Don't make choices you will regret later"

"This story never had a future from the very start"

"You should be where you belong, and you don't belong here"

His words resonated for hours in my head, after all of those sweet words, he turned cold he felt distant... now that I was so close to meet him... Now that all was making sense...now that I thought I knew...

He walked away never looking back, without saying a goodbye, a smile or maybe a sign. I am not sure or perhaps I can't remember if I missed him, it have been so long now, that the image of him is almost fading. The memory of those days staring at a suitcase are so far, I can barely recognise the person staring at a travelling bag ready to leave.

We have not known each other for long, this story was too short, the last chapter came too soon. But guess just long enough to feel the pain of separation. Left with words unsaid, leaving only a slight feeling of regret of things I wish I could have said. Many times I wonder if you ever wanted to tell me a last word, or even just a horrible cold goodbye.

Within the days that came, I just stared at the idle screen of my laptop. I was not sure if he would have ever came back, but I was now sure I wanted to be far away from the pain he caused.


For every action there is a an opposite reaction they say, there where times were I hated him, there were times where I missed him and there where times I just forgot him...forgot all the collection of new feelings he caused to happen.

The day I found myself ready to walk away was with the help of my close friend even though he was miles away. On that day I started writing a diary as a reminder of my mistakes, gains and pain this journey caused. So that I would look back and know how far I have grown and come. What I didn't know was that destiny had more ready for me....

Picture by tumblr 

Release the swans free

Forgiven -piano cover

Never thought things will change, never wished for things to change...

     Upon a star up in the heaven's  

 Shed tears and Wished like in a childhood dream 

 Past feelings, so deep, too deep I fear 

   Buried so deep,  One never thought still exist  

 Close to the end of this dying Day  

 Finally found the way out of the mists  

 Soon I'll make my way, away- yet near 

 I Have to endure, I have to  subsist  

 A lie based on truth, fake?  no! not you 

 If its a dream, I must Wake to resist 

 Faith weaved this dream with its finest treads  

 Love and hate, To give this short tale a twist 

  Search and Find, the girl I never kissed 

    Scard my core, tough for it I never sought 

    Deep in my mind, among dreams I sift 

 Lost it All, you and me,  not even fought 

 Was it just me, to leave and ignore? 

 Or was it meant to undo this love knot? 

 Who's to blame? Might even have no name 

  Too tightly laced, to happen Just by chance  

 The moon shines only where there is dark 

 This leaves me with much more then room for thought   

I'm afraid of A dream, we once shared 

 Just a Dream, reality... shall be not...   

On this long tedious journey walking the path of my past, found you lost and scared. With every passing day I watched you grow, fighting demons, fighting fear. You gave me strength to go on, when I was tired. When I grew to tired to fight my own demons that haunted me, perhaps the same that before controlled you.  

I must beg for forgiveness, I am not sure what we have done wrong to end up so distant so lost... when we were following the same path. We both shared the same dream, a dream that has turned to ashes.

I forgive you my dear, for the many times you doubted me, for the many times you fetched escape away from me. Remember, I always be here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. 

  

   In a prison made of broken dreams 

Dark was the water you choose to find rest 

Captive found yourself, must Break the chain  

The cold wind blew that night, no star shined bright 

Frozen by fear, with Chains at your feet 

Once you dreamed to be free, wings wide you spread 

No fear, your wings once more kissed the wind 

And you now know there was never a chain 

Nothing to hold you,  no walls to break 

This pond was your home, a prison you build 

Now you remembered, these wings can  Fly   

Slave no more, nothing to fear my black swan  

Far away, Away from here you chose to be... 

  

My dear I'll set you free, I let you be. I have no doubt that on this long path we will meet again. you might have set fire to every bridge while escaping your own self, giving the blame to me.

Now its time for me to go, as I write these last few lines I can remember every tear I shed. I can feel the raging heat on my skin while crossing these memories that long ago we set to flames...

Picture by tumblr 

Dedicated to the three persons that helped me become the man I am today...

A hasty decision (part 3)

If you set a rule to a child, like, "never open that drawer" what really happens is always the opposite, curiosity over comes and the child does anything but what you told him not to do...

                                                                          ~0~


Guga kept warning me to never fall for him, but I ignored all of his warnings, I simply could not control what I was feeling, and lets be honest, who can control his own feelings?. Sentiments cant be tamed or controlled and we can never choose for who or when we will fall, its just like an unwritten law.

I ignored every warning and sign, many times I thought about turning my back on him and simply walk away, just like nothing ever happened. But the image of him was stuck in my head and I could not get it out no matter what. The questions,  what should I do, why this happened and why him? was a constant in my head, it never left me not even when I was away with Cassidy. Then after a few weeks everything started not making any sense at all. Destiny, guess this time I am right when I call it destiny... followed me and tormented me without any mercy. Whatever I did and wherever I ran  the name Guga and the name Lisbon followed me, it was not just in my head, it was real, it was happening...

I could not find any option but to face this and I had to face him. Without any hesitation I thought of a way to end this once and for all. It would have been my make me or brake me decision. I could have lost everything I had and every one I loved, but I could not see any other way out.

Secretly subscribed with an online company to keep me posted with any vacancies for jobs of all sorts in Lisbon. I could not say a word of Portuguese not even to save my own life, but I could speak English, it could work I thought.  Searched for a place to stay and organised all of my accounts to have at least a few months without worrying about finances. Not after long I started browsing and sending my "Curriculum Vitae" to different companies in Lisbon, to my surprise just a few days later I received my first replies for a work.
There I thought more and more that this idea was a good choice. Found a place where to stay, and checked for flights, I wanted to be ready to leave any time.

My suitcase was packed and ready to go, just...was I ready to go? without a proper farewell to my love, and not even an explanation why this was happening.

And what would I do when I meet him?, if I meet him.... Would I recognise his face in the crowd?. His image was printed in my head, I would have, I thought.  But would he recognise me if he saw me? and what if he did, would that change anything?. And would I face my fears and talk to him if I did?. If I met him there... would he be different from the person I learned to know from miles away?.      

For days I stared at my suitcase, days in which I prayed that what I was about to do was the right choice.
I hoped for a sign, hope was all I had to hold onto. Leaving the world I knew, to step into the unknown void...

Pictures By google images

A hasty decision (part2)

For days after my arrival back home I avoided any contact with Guga, I was now sure of my feelings for Cassidy, I love her. I am sure, I do. I don't have the remote doubt about it.  Still, I wanted to know what was that feeling pressing upon my chest, why Guga would not leave me  alone... Why he constantly invaded my dreams.... 

To walk toward the decision I made was not easy, I have tried to control my feelings, but one cant undone or turn off his feelings. It takes time. Sometimes it never heals, it remains a constant at the back of our heads and sometimes it comes back to the surface without any warning, leaving us in denial.

Not sure if it was just a coincidence,  faith or destiny, but whatever it was, I found it to be cruel, a sick joke played by an unknown uncontrollable force. 

I could not ignore this soft murmur, this constant call in my head. It came to me just like a shadow, a light breeze still holding a residue of his voice. A lullaby that played the same tune over and over. I wished them to stop, leave me alone, let me rule my own thoughts again.

There was only one way to stop this haunting. I must go look for the answer to this question there were it was born. But leaving towards the black unknown felt like the hardest decision  I ever made in my life. As hard as it would have been saying to Cassidy that I would be leaving for a while, a goodbye would make it even more difficult. She wouldn't let me go and I wouldn't be able to release her from my last embrace, even if I knew it would have not been the very last. Watching her waving goodbye would just be to much to take.

Picture by  google images 

A hasty decision...

Only God knows how much I prayed, only God knows what kind of thoughts passed trough my head. I was on the verge of insanity. How could have this happen to me? how? and why?. I always thought I knew what I wanted from my life, I was sure I knew. But there I was, lost and confused.

I needed time to be alone, to think things over. I wanted to be away from everyone and everything. But its hard when you have commitments, and even harder when the farther you can be is just a few km away, and most probably or eventually will meet or bump into someone you know to remind you of who you are and where you come from, these are the disadvantages of living on an island measuring 14/27 km!.

For days I avoided opening my laptop and for days I heard this voice coming out of it calling my name and asking me to go back. I was going mad.

Then a godsend!, my friend from the UK invited Cass and me to stay over her house for a few days. I accepted without any hesitation, and Cass looked quite trilled too to the idea. The invitation came at the right time and moment, it was what the both of us needed.

I left the voices in my head back home and left to the quiet of the English countryside. It was what I needed, it was what the both of us needed. At the back of my head Guga was still a constant, but everyday that passed he felt distant and even more distant. It was like, I could see clearly again, he was still lingered in my head but I felt like I knew what was happening to me. I felt somehow, some what reborn!. It felt good...

Extended my stay by 4 more days, travelled south to London, and booked a lovely room in a small hotel, situated in the centre (for those who knows the TV series upstairs downstairs, it was one of those old mentions renovated and turned to boutique hotels). Very romantic, we had all the time and quiet we needed and wanted.

Loved to hear you breath while you sleep..

Loved to feel your warm breath on my chest...

Waking beside you...warm..

while outside was cold....

Listening to the rain while we both felt into deep sleep...

On my return home I knew what I wanted to do..... I knew it was a very hasty decision, but I was sure I wanted to do it!. There was no other options, and I felt like it was my  make me or break me decision...this would have been the final answer, I would have all of the answers I needed or simply loose everything I had . All that I wanted to know would have come to me, only...would it be all the same? and would I take it? and mostly important, what will Cassidy think?....would we survive this as-well?...

Its not always easy to share, to be continued ...

Pictures by tumblr and Hotei.