Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts

Monday, 16 March 2015

Happiness is...



"A man. His life, a story so familiar to you and everyone else you know. Us. Constantly in  search  for this thing called happiness".

                                  The quest. Happiness. It takes a lifetime to conquer or perhaps one never truly finds it because one never learns how to understand it. Perhaps it is found in the most insignificant things that we never bother to give importance to.

Guess its hard to describe, guess its not easy to understand. Guess its not right to chase it down. It will come in its own time and place. One thing I have learned over the years, is that as much as we run, as much as we force things to happen, if they were not meant to happen they will not... as simple as that!. They will happen in the time they were meant to happen no matter what we do. One must let time do its own course, forcing will only make the wait more painful at least this is how I think it works, I might be wrong but its how I see it.


Happiness. How to: it is more easy then its seams. Happiness is found in a million forms shapes and sizes.

Happiness is in my opinion the simplest of feelings, the most clear, yet we so find it hard to recognise it.




...A late night talk to a friend.
     ...The rain falling in your hands.
         ...Inspiring someone.
             ...Finding someone as weird as you.
                 ...Being the reasons for someones happiness.
                     ...Falling in love with your best friend.
                          ...A purring cat.
                              ...A warm smile of a lover or a friend.




 ..Happiness can be all that you want it to be. 
Simply believe.. 


...it is easy as a pie. 




Picture by Hotei  




Tuesday, 24 February 2015

The rain whispered.


Destiny is what created this blog and guess its destiny that is knocking on my door again. Just by coincidence wanted to read the last actual post I wrote, it have been a long while and I could not remember what was it or what it talked about. It was ordinary. Yes just like me, but there! something made me smile. Something made me say the old words "ah! destiny" long time I did not mention you!. And here you are again on my threshold waiting and waving for me. What was it you ask? "Monday, 24 February 2014" the same date as today! call that a coincidence!.



I do not know how many times I have come here and stared for hours at a blank screen. Perhaps hitting a few buttons and then moments later hit the delete button and erase all in mere seconds.

But unexpected events, warm whispers from distant friends keep coming at night, waking me up. Sweet hauntings, mellow lullabies. This I cannot delete, these I cannot turn my back too. And guess this is how it all started on a cold rainy day. Days like these make me feel the want to write. Perhaps the charcoal grey of the sky reminds me of the traces the pen leaves on a blank page. The smell of winter and the tight grasp of all that is winter drags me to this nostalgic state of mind. The cold wind howling, raindrops frantically bombing my window and the smell of wet grass, yes this is it the perfect recipe for winter. The perfect setting for me to remember. The perfect time for words and thoughts to sprout.

Still it is not easy to pick the exact words I want to say, its not easy to break the thick layer of ice that it has been created, but even the biggest of journeys have its start with a very humble beginning.

What to say? ordinary! that is me, that is what it have become of me. Still cashing my dreams, new dreams, its funny it never stops  a vicious circle this is!!. always wanting more, always looking for something new as insignificant or bombastic as it may be. So nothing really have changed you may think, perhaps not much, its the same old me. The same old me missing my dear friends and missing this world of words and thoughts.

Sometimes I take a little peek at this magical world for a tiny while but unfortunately it stops there, other times I grab a notebook that came across the ocean and a pen that the waves brought on these shores long before, but it stops there, words simply don't flow.

Even now I look at these few lines and the only word I seem to find fitting is eclectic. That's me always wanting to make a lot, starting a hundreds of  tasks and finish none of them. And I guess this is another beginning, another chapter of my life, a fresh page.... this thanks to you for waking me up dear rain...dear friends...and here it starts...






Picture by tumblr





Monday, 26 May 2014

Cupidity [7]



Shadow Dancer.



Here is a fun one that I liked very much, and had fun watching. 
 Fantasy meets reality.
Seeams just like out of Peter pan's story! 
hope that you like it too. 

So let me to steal a few minutes of your time again, eight really!. 
But its worth it... promise! 

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 










Shadow dancer corneto short movie.



Monday, 12 May 2014

Cupidity [6]


Drawings and Dreams.



Here is a very special one that I liked very much, 
a bit dreamy, a bit fantasy, but that is why I like it. 
hope that you like it too. 

So let me to steal five minutes of your time again, eight really!. 
But its worth every minute! 

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 







cornetto short movie; drawings and dreams.


Friday, 2 May 2014

Cupidity [5]


The Oasis.



Hum...hmm not quite sure what to think about this one, 
Oh well guess everyone got to follow his very own special path!. 

Time for me to steal five minutes of your time again, 
I promise its a short one!.

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 







Cornetto short movie; Oasis. 


Monday, 28 April 2014

Cupidity [4]



Together Apart.




Its time for me to steal five minutes of your time again, 
This is a heart melting one, hope you like it as much as I did. 

Its sad at moments and sweet at others.

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 








cornetto short movie; together apart 


Monday, 24 February 2014

The Bad Blogger.




Hello all my dear friends, 


                           I know...  lately I have been a very bad Blogger. I neglected a lot this corner I so love, yet you all are always on my mind and I miss you all very much!. In fact I wish to thank you all of those who remembered me and sent me a message, this meant a lot to me :)  


It is not that I have abandoned my corner, not at all... in fact, I have many ten's of post unpublished that wish I could post now, but they all need that little polish before shared to the world if you know what I mean!.  


The truth is that I have been very busy, priorities they call them... and never really found enough time or strength left to publish or even visit at least one of you my dear friends. Hopefully!, things will be back to normality soon, at least I hope so!. 


Well my dear listeners of Whispers I'm afraid I must say goodbye now, till then stay safe. 




Yours Hotei. 


TheBadBlogger1

    

Friday, 2 August 2013

Thank you
















A small tribute to you my friend, for the lovely wishes and thoughtful gifts...




Picture by hotei ©





Monday, 22 July 2013

Sail me back home



The dreams we shared are slowly taking shape. Worked so hard to achieve the goals we've set and finally we are so close to collect the fruits from the plants that we planted a few years back. Collecting the fruits will not result in the end but hopefully just the start.

Time is going on by without giving us the time to realise, last June I was mourning a love (a friendship) that could and never be part of my life. Came across more then just emotions, my path kept crossing more and more people, some of them readers that perhaps wanted to know the face behind this mask. Or others, that felt like they knew me for a long while, from here I send all of my love to you all my dear friends.

Working to hard you told me. Well I don't mind I always reply, as long as the result shows, in the end that makes it all worthwhile working for, no matter how hard that might turn out to be.






...

"All work and no play makes jack a dull boy you told me with a grin on your face, and besides its your birthday you deserve it... Hoo what a day that was".
...







The sun was shining in its full glory, but yet a soft cold breeze kept making us hold back from calling it summer. You held on tightly to my arm as we set sail to the north, the waves gently rocked our boat while the  golden sun shimmered on the water somehow making us feel almost dizzy. Your eyes picked up notes from the golden strokes reflected on the waves making that moment even more enchanting.




Reached for my hand as we stared at the deep blue water making us question if what we had in front of us was real or just a figment of our imagination. The water kept calling us, inviting us to play with the cheeky waves. The waves were at times  teasing us  trying to reach our feet hanging down from behind the railing. Not long we were over come by the wanting, to feel the salty water on our skin, making us regret it the minute we dipped our toes in the freezing water.




Among a thousand people, giggles, laughs and smiles only one face was familiar to me, the only face I could see, the only face I know. It reminded me of a passed perfect day while we shivered in the icy crystal clear waters. Yet the setting made it all worthwhile and made me forget the other thousand faces surrounding me. The one smile I know, the smile on her face, a smile I could recognize among a thousand smiles.




Yet again the day had to come to an end, but not before a promise to return to this enchanted place, giving life to sleeping memories and giving birth to new paragraphs in this book called life.















For all of those who remembered my birthday, for all of the wonderful wishes I thank you my dear friends.






Pictures by Hotei ©




Sunday, 21 July 2013

[LOVE] he wrote!









Static! he said, and guess he is right, I am hesitating when it comes to press the orange publish button. What's the point in writing posts? writing thoughts, then not finish the last line!. Guess this means that I am not feeling comfortable in my own skin any more. I think and ask myself, why I'm doing so? then I tell to myself wasn't this the reason I started this diary?.

Thinking of it, its true... I know he is right but guess there is much to learn, and we should have learnt this a long while ago.

Guess it was love that made me start... then later transformed (evolved) to something more deep, to something more personal, but it kept the same idea the same meaning. "Eclectic" at times but still it changed around the very same idea. Guess it changed with me as I grew, as I perhaps learned every time I stumbled, every time I choose a new path to walk.

Perhaps we have divided ideas about this or perhaps we see this trough a different lens, but guess our feelings are the same in the end.

I say...what is wrong in picking up the same theme? if every time its a different emotion I feel. Who wouldn't write down a deceleration on paper every time one feels butterflies in his stomach?. Every time one is dragged in a stranger eye...captured in a travellers smile...

Many times I promised my self not to write about love, but then there is always that one exception, that only one reason to just put a few words down. Guess some people make you heart beat faster even if you never looked straight in their face or heard their voice, or those other times when you thought you heard that capturing laugh resonating in you ear. That giggle that made you fall, and that smile that made you go so gaga uncountable times.

If you think about it, and you perhaps won't need to over work yourself about it you'll know how similar we are, how many times we crossed the same paths. Love with no returned feeling....love at a distance...love that was just a fickle dream...guess the reason must and will always be love....











Pictures by tumblr & google images 




Monday, 3 June 2013

Feet in the sand



The wind blew strong yesterday somehow, somewhat coldish, its just like winter still wants to linger a bit longer here. The clouds hid the sun from us giving us only a glimpse of sunshine.  Still this did not stop us from meeting and yet again watch another sunset...


 




Everyday is a bonus, she mumbled to me again while dipping for the first time this year our feet in the cold waters. I wrapped myself warm in my blue cardigan, holding to it as the wind blew strong almost making us tumble. "come on! its not that cold" she said with a smirk on her face, she knows us islanders can't stand the cold. Thinking that last June we were already bathing in the same waters, and today we were shivering by just standing there looking at the mighty waves.  Looked back at Cassidy sitting on the sand all wrapped up trying to trap any heat wanting to escape trough the plastic cup that she was tightly holding in the palm of her hands. She gave us a grin and waved back to us.

"I'm so pleased I can be still here with you, this is what makes me go on, fighting time, making the most of the little I have left". What an amazing woman she is I thought, grateful for every breath she takes. I want to grow old just like her, holding no regrets, just memories dear to me, with the people I love and making the most while they are still here.

Walked along the beach already crowded with people trying to make the most of the little sun that escaped trough the cloudy sky. We made it next to Cassidy and shared a few smiles and a few chocolates snapping a few last shots to capture the beauty within that windy day, shared with people dear to me.





Left the beach with the promise to come back soon, to share more memories and even more smiles. It would have not been a complete day if not ended with a sunset. Watched it from home..our home..having tea with a soft whisper of a breeze promising  that summer will be here soon...









Pictures by Hotei ©





Monday, 13 May 2013

Pixel 3rd edition "Happy Xmas"





A few months back I was invited to join and write a short story with the theme (Happy Xmas) by Pixel. 
I must say It was not easy to fit all of what I had to say in just 250 words, but somehow I kind of managed. I enjoyed every second and every word I wrote down for this competition, and I be looking forward for the next! always if I be given the chance to participate.  

Today the E-book is out and launched. INDEX E-books have provided Copies on this link  HERE

Also printed copies are available on demand and orders. 





INDEX Say...
"The spirit of Christmas always so controversial" was the motto for the Pixel 3, whose theme was inspired by the music of John Lennon Happy Xmas. As in previous editions of the competition, the aspect of true stories had a significant weight, and this time with a special meaning for documenting one side less "happy" Christmas. This edition saw the participation of 27 authors, 32 stories (prose, in poetry and video / design), fulfilling the purpose of having beyond the stories written in prose form. For the first time the competition was won by a fiction story and it was due to the fact that the fictional stories have achieved exceptional quality!!.










PIXEL 1 and 2  short stories 
collection by various authors








 More from INDEX...
The contest Pixel (small stories lgbt) happens in the world of blogs, in the vast minority of the so called "blogsphere", and has featured two issues that took place on the blog (NET) that I am the author. The goal was not to hook and address professional  writers, but stories, be they true or imagined, and presented in a variety of forms (prose, poetry, video, images, sounds ...). The first contest was dedicated to the theme  "Good friends are hard to find"    song by Ed Harcourt  (which also gives the name to my blog), because it is a topic that we are always very important, and because at the core of "blogosphere"  friends are important and they are at the heart of writing, "especially those hardest to find"The second edition of Pixel had the motto  That hug   song by Gilberto Gil, because the  "blogosphere" is also a big hug that unites us all, including those on the other side of the Atlantic.









Monday, 22 April 2013

Speak my mind...









If I think what to say about all of my stories my answer would be that I haven't got a clue really. All of this happened just slightly over a year ago I know, but it feels like my mind is trying to erase every last residue of memory left behind. If I try to remember what I felt all I can think and feel is a bitter-sweet feeling deep inside my chest. It kind of makes me smile now that is all passed...passed, yes... but not completely forgotten, how can one ever forget his emotions? they might not be very clear but you cant really remove them.

Many times I try to put the blame on him, but then again I know that "it takes two to tango". I let him do this to me only cause I let him do it to me. I feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit angry only for the lies that later came, for deceiving me, for breaking me and for playing a rough game with my mind. I believe that one persons heart can break many times but yet it finds ways to mend its self, but one persons mind is far more difficult to fix.



You know..it is even more painful when I think how much I have changed, how much pain I caused to the one that remained standing by my side all this time. The one that always loved me for what I was and for what I am. Must add she might have hid her feelings many times, many times I felt like I was taken for granted, that I would have always be there, and perhaps she never realised that some of her words could have been felt like a blunt dagger trying to find way trough my flesh. I have not helped the situation ether with my stubbornness nor with my attitude. But I never seized to love her, of that I am sure. I might have not sown it, but I always did.

I must admit that it was not easy to walk away, to find the courage to pick up all of the pieces and carry on. And I would have not done it if I did not receive help when needed, I was lucky to find someone to stop me when I was about to commit stupid actions. And for a man to admit he was wrong many times feels like the greatest challenge.

If you asked me how I feel now or if still have feelings for Guga the answer is easy. I do miss the person, the human in his crudity, but it feel stupid now to say. This was a chapter that it was meant to happen to help me understand more my self and how important the persons in my life are. I moved on but never forgotten the way I came, it was long... it was not easy, but it was needed as I believe all happens for a reason.

Slowly the wound left behind healed, yet the scar is still visible, but I proudly show it as I am now not afraid to show... to show my weakness, actually I feel almost brave and mature to share my story. It is never easy to speak my mind freely, it never is, as the smallest of my memories unleash bigger emotions now buried deep inside me...







Pictures by tumblr 




Monday, 15 April 2013

The horrible truth



"I think you are making a terrible mistake Hotei!"

 "Think about it, think about your life...your future"

 "Don't make choices you will regret later"

"This story never had a future from the very start"

"You should be where you belong, and you don't belong here"







His words resonated for hours in my head, after all of those sweet words, he turned cold he felt distant... now that I was so close to meet him... Now that all was making sense...now that I thought I knew...

He walked away never looking back, without saying a goodbye, a smile or maybe a sign. I am not sure or perhaps I can't remember if I missed him, it have been so long now, that the image of him is almost fading. The memory of those days staring at a suitcase are so far, I can barely recognise the person staring at a travelling bag ready to leave.

We have not known each other for long, this story was too short, the last chapter came too soon. But guess just long enough to feel the pain of separation. Left with words unsaid, leaving only a slight feeling of regret of things I wish I could have said. Many times I wonder if you ever wanted to tell me a last word, or even just a horrible cold goodbye.

Within the days that came, I just stared at the idle screen of my laptop. I was not sure if he would have ever came back, but I was now sure I wanted to be far away from the pain he caused.


For every action there is a an opposite reaction they say, there where times were I hated him, there were times where I missed him and there where times I just forgot him...forgot all the collection of new feelings he caused to happen.

The day I found myself ready to walk away was with the help of my close friend even though he was miles away. On that day I started writing a diary as a reminder of my mistakes, gains and pain this journey caused. So that I would look back and know how far I have grown and come. What I didn't know was that destiny had more ready for me....







Picture by tumblr 






Monday, 8 April 2013

Release the swans free



Forgiven -piano cover




Never thought things will change, never wished for things to change...














     Upon a star up in the heaven's  
 Shed tears and Wished like in a childhood dream 
 Past feelings, so deep, too deep I fear 
   Buried so deep,  One never thought still exist  

 Close to the end of this dying Day  
 Finally found the way out of the mists  
 Soon I'll make my way, away- yet near 
 I Have to endure, I have to  subsist  

 A lie based on truth, fake?  no! not you 
 If its a dream, I must Wake to resist 
 Faith weaved this dream with its finest treads  
 Love and hate, To give this short tale a twist 

  Search and Find, the girl I never kissed 
    Scard my core, tough for it I never sought 
    Deep in my mind, among dreams I sift 
 Lost it All, you and me,  not even fought 

 Was it just me, to leave and ignore? 
 Or was it meant to undo this love knot? 
 Who's to blame? Might even have no name 
  Too tightly laced, to happen Just by chance  

 The moon shines only where there is dark 
 This leaves me with much more then room for thought   
I'm afraid of A dream, we once shared 
 Just a Dream, reality... shall be not...   






On this long tedious journey walking the path of my past, found you lost and scared. With every passing day I watched you grow, fighting demons, fighting fear. You gave me strength to go on, when I was tired. When I grew to tired to fight my own demons that haunted me, perhaps the same that before controlled you.  

I must beg for forgiveness, I am not sure what we have done wrong to end up so distant so lost... when we were following the same path. We both shared the same dream, a dream that has turned to ashes.

I forgive you my dear, for the many times you doubted me, for the many times you fetched escape away from me. Remember, I always be here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. 

  




   In a prison made of broken dreams 
Dark was the water you choose to find rest 
Captive found yourself, must Break the chain  
The cold wind blew that night, no star shined bright 
Frozen by fear, with Chains at your feet 
Once you dreamed to be free, wings wide you spread 
No fear, your wings once more kissed the wind 
And you now know there was never a chain 
Nothing to hold you,  no walls to break 
This pond was your home, a prison you build 
Now you remembered, these wings can  Fly   
Slave no more, nothing to fear my black swan  
Far away, Away from here you chose to be... 



  





My dear I'll set you free, I let you be. I have no doubt that on this long path we will meet again. you might have set fire to every bridge while escaping your own self, giving the blame to me.

Now its time for me to go, as I write these last few lines I can remember every tear I shed. I can feel the raging heat on my skin while crossing these memories that long ago we set to flames...









Picture by tumblr 






Dedicated to the three persons that helped me become the man I am today...




Saturday, 30 March 2013

Happy Easter



Living on an island that is highly conservationist many times got it downsides. You are obliged to follow a certain protocol. Catholicism is the main religion and with it comes another set of rules. With Easter comes the lent period. I cannot consider myself as a believer and follower of these costumes, but I do love to go around villages and be able to savour the traditional "Lent food" and watch the processions that are held all over the island.

The atmosphere is saturated with the smell of incense and burning candles that overwhelm the place, most of the people (the older generation) wear black as a sign of mourning, as are the half mast flags.

I am not a believer, I admit!. I have my ways to celebrate these days and I give a twist to this rigid traditions.
As it happens for many years now Tory, Cass and a few others including me of course, meet on Thursdays evening till midnight, as mourning will start right after  the stroke of midnight.

This year was not of any difference, except that we introduced our twist of the costumes to Tory's sweetheart. All of us loved the smell of incense that pervaded the air, mixed with the pungent smell of sweet bread still warm out of the oven, fried dumplings, date fritters and the aroma of spiced coffee all savoured right there while wandering from stall to stall in the candle light lit narrow streets.





The night was to short and the crowd made it almost impossible to have a proper conversation.  Guess there was to much going on to focus on just one thing. When out of the blues Tory wrapped her arms around me and said "my Alvin" (yeah...she nick named me Alvin just like Alvin and the chipmunks, don't ask me why!). Haven't met Tory for a long while now and many times I worry how is she doing. I am afraid that she falls in love to easily and many times this makes her suffer, hope this time is different, I do think its different from the look in her eyes, I can tell there is something more then her past lovers. I just hope that this feeling is  reciprocated. I could never forget Chris for hurting her, she's important to me, she was always there for me and I will always be there for her.


My dear friends I wish you a Happy Easter wherever you are on this globe!. This is the season of hope, may it bring peace to you and all the people you love.





...Happy Easter...





Picture by google

Monday, 4 March 2013

The howling






Many times I loose my self in endless thoughts, thoughts that feel like soft lullabies inside my head, played over and over until I finally wake up to know it was all for real...


You might think you know people but at the end of the day you can never really know a person... isn't this the horrible cold truth?.

Sometimes love is all about letting go, that is a constant reminder I put to my self. You might think I was cold and distant, perhaps I hid my true emotions for a reason that I was to scared to face, you showed yourself true and pure, opened all of what you are to me, trusting me, even if I was just a stranger narrating nonsense. Now I learned, like I learn every day I live, committing the same mistakes over and over realising every time that I am on the edge.

Now I look at you from the distance, not sure if you still remember me if you can still remember my face and my voice...


Angel of mine you came into my life just like a storm, quick and strong and left without leaving a trace of you.




She was just like the wind....

Late at night she came silently,
With her long black hair,
Endless beauty, capturing eyes,
Sweet and kind,

Came silent just like the wind
Touched me just like the wind
Bit me just like the wind

Froze me just like the wind
Embraced me just like the wind

You cut me just like the wind
You went away just like the wind


People are like instruments, we only have to learn how to play them, pressing the right keys, pulling the right cords. Fine tuning them till we learn to listen even without hearing any sound... I remember your sound clearly like it was just yesterday. Yesterday I promised my self to let you go, I promised not to play your cords any more, I will just listen quietly from the distance hearing your music played from the distance. Wondering if you ever wonder about me....wondering if we will ever play the old chant together.   


Angel of mine once again I say goodbye, even if deep inside I know this is not the last time I'll be calling your name, somehow I know...somehow I want to believe. I was and still am grateful to have met you, I still believe that meeting you was a sign of fate. I don't regret a single second of it, you made me find myself again when I was falling in this void, you were there for me like many others showing that there was still a reason to believe in dreams even if some dreams would have never had to come true...I wish you  good fortune my love...


Love Hotei...  





Picture by Hotei 




Monday, 25 February 2013

A warm place


 There were times where I could look with a honest heart  into your eyes...





Decided to talk my heart out to Cassidy, it was time to face my fears and my doubts. All I could do was to stare into her eyes, looking at my own reflection in her now teary eyes.
At the end of our discussion I was even more confused, I kissed Cassidy over and over, I made love to her. And there I was sure I loved her...but this was even more confusing to me...

There were times where I stumbled and fall...

Face my fears, living in this void will not be of any help, decided to come out clean with Guga and tell him all about what was going in my head... may be talking to him would have found an answer to some of my questions and clear some of my confusion...

"Never fall in love with me he said..." but it was just to late...to late to turn my back on this sentiment. It felt horrible in its beautiful reality.


There were times where I could look into your eyes and feel safe...

I led myself to an unstoppable deterioration, I doubted my self I doubted my love for Cassidy. I doubted everything and nothing. Only God knows how lost I felt, how much I prayed and wished to understand what was going on in my head. But as they say everything happens for a reason, and before I drove my self to insanity I opened my heart and mind to my new found friend Gwanni, he listened and understood my feelings, he asked no questions and showed me unconditional love in its true form. There I started to realise that what was going on in my head could be understandable and normal. Loving someone else while in a relationship it could happen, loving someone of my own sex it was possible and mostly... I was normal to feel confused, lost and afraid... at the end of this long dark tunnel I found a glowing warm place to rest, waiting with open arms for me to feel safe...a place I could call home or if I may dare to call it family.


There were times where it felt good to feel scared...




Picture By tumblr




Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Sweet decadence


Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 


Can you fall for someone you've never met?


I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...



Picture by tumblr





Thursday, 7 February 2013

Things I wish I never knew



Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.





I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  




Picture by tumbler 






Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...