Cupidity [6]

Drawings and Dreams.

Here is a very special one that I liked very much, 

a bit dreamy, a bit fantasy, but that is why I like it. 

hope that you like it too. 

So let me to steal five minutes of your time again, eight really!. 

But its worth every minute! 

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 

cornetto short movie; drawings and dreams.

Time.

It is the most abundant thing we have and yet we can never have enough of it. We are constantly loosing it but we never really realise. It is the most precious thing one can own but we never value it and we constantly waste it away... 

It was another morning, like many others I lived, like many have come and simply flew away without me noticing or caring that they went by. Yet this morning my mind, thoughts and eyes worked in harmony with each other. They played the most beautiful melody, yet it saddened the heart. I had that sunken feeling that something was to happen. I could not quite grasp the feeling even though I tried to understand. Then like many other times it slowly made sense, it slowly came to me, slowly the colours became more vivid, and yet again I was drawn into my secret world, the secret world of my mind. There where colours are bright there where sound does not exist, it exists only the sound of my thoughts, that from soft, hush murmurs become loud clear voices.

How I could have done this to me?... how did I let my self do this? I thought. Then I realised that every one must think the same way I do, this is one thing we all might agree on, we all have wasted time, we all have one time or another disrespected this precious gift. How many times we thought, promised, vowed and sworn that we would never ever again loose or waste it, yet every time we fail from keeping the solemn oath.

As I look out of my window and see the autumn wind steal the leaves from the tree branches with every blow carrying with it stories and with each blow it pushes summer away bringing new hopes for a new life, bringing new memories as this year will soon take its last breath. This is a familiar sight to me, sweet yet melancholic. It draws me back violently to reality, but I hold fragments from the world I been in. Then I look into myself searching for these fragments and see the promises I did not keep. How many times I told myself, "Never make promises you cant keep" yet every time I arrogantly break this rule. I arrogantly throw and waste this gift we call time.


Once more I make a promise, a promise I am giving my word on, a promise that I will do my utmost to keep. By next autumn before the last leave falls before winter makes itself feel....the words I gave the hopes I build and promises I made, I will keep... I know sacrifice must be done, I know it will not be easy, I know its a fight against time, but for this time I so profoundly now value its gift - I will keep what today I sworn my love.

Picture by Hotei 

 

Confessions of my mind.

It is not a matter of inspiration, nether fantasy, it just comes to me. I can't explain why or how, all I know is that my finger tips tingle. I call it tingling, fact is that I can't find any other word to make myself more clear. All I know is that there is only one way to stop this urge, and that is writing. I always loved writing, I did it since I was a child, it is something that perhaps is buried in me deeply. I look at it like when taking a picture, when you find the perfect shot you just click away to freeze the image, same is with writing it comes and goes, sometimes an idea can linger in my head for hours or days and many other times for just seconds.

Sometimes it scares me how my brain works, how I see the image I want to capture. Its not easy to comprehend, but I can try to explain. Its like being in a bubble, I see everything amplified and sharp, but yet I feel cut out from the rest of the world. Sometimes the colours are vibrant more then you could ever imagine, other times I'm overwhelmed by scents, sweet images laced with these sweet smells. This feeling comes to me sometimes for an instant... sometimes hours, and other times the image is unclear almost blurred and dull. So if you ask me what I am on about don't feel bad if I don't explain cause many times I can't understand it my self.

Keep on wanting more, I know she does, I know once she have tasted the forbidden fruit its hard to let go, she gets inebriated by its taste and liquor. I just need her to understand that not all I see is clear, and that many times words come to me obfuscated, almost like distorted, many times I can hear and listen, but simply can't processes a single word.

Many times I can read her shivering soul trough her teary eyes, perhaps after hurting her unintentionally, how stupid I feel. I should have many times said words I thought, that would have made things more easy to understand, not only for her but perhaps even for me... how stupid I feel...

On other occasions I speak a language she cant understand, but those words just slip out without me having control on them, its just like my body doesn't respond to my own commands. How stupid I feel when sometimes I realise that time has passed, slipped away without ever realising, how stupid I feel...

Picture by google images 

Storyteller.

The storyteller 

Whistle and sings, legends - myths 

Truth or fantasy? 

***

Lost in the mists of time,

Stories of people, who lived and still live,

Many forgotten, perhaps not real?,

Its seams just yesterday, yet time trickled away,

Around a fire of lost notes,

Gathering grounds for those who want to hear,

He reveals stories, secrets to you,

Like a child you're eager to hear.

Carried from mouth to mouth,

Like the air that is "breath"

Till its sets where fertile fantasy grows,

And wild like fire spreads.

He chants his tale to the world,

His new name narrates -

Adventures, of triumphant knights,

Who battled dark to free the light.

The storyteller travels from town to town,

From heart to heart,

He make you be who you want to be,

 Battle dragons and ride clouds.

Storyteller reveals stories unsaid, 

He let the air carry his name,

Not knowing were his words might set, 

Storyteller brings a tear to your eye.

He, vessel of life, 

Like a bottle that might hold-

Water, potion or poison,

It will bring or take life. 

                                                     Storyteller.   

What Is Your Story?

Picture by google images 

The one to save me.

                          This is my secret.... 

                                     This is my story... 

                                               This is how I was saved... 

I am not sure what was it, or I am not sure how this happened, but let me try find how and count the ways this happened.

It might have been her dark slightly shy eyes, her eyes.... yes! her eyes.. sharp! yet, slightly sunken.... the way she tugged at her hair twisting her long curls. The way she let a smile escape from her plump rosy lips, surrounded by white skin. Her smiles and giggles sound naive, yet they have a mysterious feel to them. The way she closes her eyes to dream, and many times to let a tear escape down her cheeks, shutting her eyelids as tight as she could, ignoring the word around, or perhaps wishing it away pretending no one was looking.... not even me.  Her big dreams, her fantasies... how incredible they sound, many times exaggerated..... just like tales narrated to amuse little kids, may be this is what keeps me young.

The way she fitted perfectly against my chest while she reached her hands around me, holding me tightly. The smell of her skin.... her cool feeling skin...sometimes she shivers with just the slight of a breeze...

Perhaps one last thing...the way she looked at me... like I could save her from all the bad things in the world, Like I was the only one left that could save her...

                   This is my secret...
                             This is my story...
                                       She was the one to save me...

Picture by tumblr.

.

Harvester Of Stars

Harvester of stars, 

Lost among a million dreams, 

Wake! its not a dream. 

Reached for your hand, as we walked towards the dark reaching the golden room, there! where everyone wore masks. It was not our place, or perhaps it was the place we so longed for. Among fake smiles and subtle chants we made our way to the top of the stairs, looked down and saw destiny unfold, looked up and saw past in its mighty golden glory.

Fantasised a bit to much, perhaps the wine, perhaps had a little to much. As we walked among the masks came to me for a second or two, a memory of a past night, were fireflies filled the air, were a sweet smell of blossoms saturated the air.

I many times wondered how to make you listen the sound that was still, now that I learned you heard I find it hard to speak. But tonight we are not wearing masks only us walked unashamed among the crowd of dancing  phantoms. Only us walked proudly unveiled.

As more and more the night went by, the stars seamed to shine less, perhaps shadowed by the brilliance of the floating city above, or perhaps out-shined by your glistening eyes as they foretold what they saw in the imminent future. A leap in the dark it may seam to be, but who are we to judge? without even giving it a chance.

We wore a grin as we went back down the stairway, proudly walked among the crowd, they bowed in wonder as they removed their masks. To our chariot made us way...

Picture by Hotei©

 

Sail me back home

The dreams we shared are slowly taking shape. Worked so hard to achieve the goals we've set and finally we are so close to collect the fruits from the plants that we planted a few years back. Collecting the fruits will not result in the end but hopefully just the start.

Time is going on by without giving us the time to realise, last June I was mourning a love (a friendship) that could and never be part of my life. Came across more then just emotions, my path kept crossing more and more people, some of them readers that perhaps wanted to know the face behind this mask. Or others, that felt like they knew me for a long while, from here I send all of my love to you all my dear friends.

Working to hard you told me. Well I don't mind I always reply, as long as the result shows, in the end that makes it all worthwhile working for, no matter how hard that might turn out to be.

...

"All work and no play makes jack a dull boy you told me with a grin on your face, and besides its your birthday you deserve it... Hoo what a day that was".

...

The sun was shining in its full glory, but yet a soft cold breeze kept making us hold back from calling it summer. You held on tightly to my arm as we set sail to the north, the waves gently rocked our boat while the  golden sun shimmered on the water somehow making us feel almost dizzy. Your eyes picked up notes from the golden strokes reflected on the waves making that moment even more enchanting.

Reached for my hand as we stared at the deep blue water making us question if what we had in front of us was real or just a figment of our imagination. The water kept calling us, inviting us to play with the cheeky waves. The waves were at times  teasing us  trying to reach our feet hanging down from behind the railing. Not long we were over come by the wanting, to feel the salty water on our skin, making us regret it the minute we dipped our toes in the freezing water.

Among a thousand people, giggles, laughs and smiles only one face was familiar to me, the only face I could see, the only face I know. It reminded me of a passed perfect day while we shivered in the icy crystal clear waters. Yet the setting made it all worthwhile and made me forget the other thousand faces surrounding me. The one smile I know, the smile on her face, a smile I could recognize among a thousand smiles.

Yet again the day had to come to an end, but not before a promise to return to this enchanted place, giving life to sleeping memories and giving birth to new paragraphs in this book called life.

For all of those who remembered my birthday, for all of the wonderful wishes I thank you my dear friends.

Pictures by Hotei ©

Remember

We came to a point were we almost lost it all. It was not easy to go trough it all. We are weak, we get lost, we stumble and fall but we manage to find each other every time.  

Remember...

There was this time were we thought we could never do it, that we could never reach the goals we have set. Set our goals to hight, we thought... asked to much!. There was this time were we felt so small, so helpless and that we could never find a way out. Silly us... the answer was always there in front of us. The answer was us, our love, our hopes and dreams.

Remember...

Perhaps this is how it works, how it is all suppose to work. It takes time, we constantly grow and learn. The past taught me a lot on how to be a man, small daily stories safely stored in the meanders of my mind. I hold on tightly to my past good or bad as it may have been. Perhaps I cant let go of some things I wish I have left behind but guess if I still hold onto them it means they were important to me enough to not let go.

Remember...

Sweated all of our blood to come were we are today, perhaps somewhat wiser. Somehow somewhat better. Now I can see reflections of you in my future, I can see you waving to me from behind a glass as I write down my thoughts while watching sunset. Can hear you calling me within those walls. I can see you laying down on the bed beside me staring at the ceiling, I can feel you  reaching for me and wrapping your arms around me, feeling your warm breath on my neck. I can see me smile back at you, holding you, wanting more of you every single day.

Remember...

We can follow the trail we left along the path of time, We can inhale the scent we left behind, we can remember the touch of our lips on each others skin.




This is what I want to remember...

Picture by tumblr

Feet in the sand

The wind blew strong yesterday somehow, somewhat coldish, its just like winter still wants to linger a bit longer here. The clouds hid the sun from us giving us only a glimpse of sunshine.  Still this did not stop us from meeting and yet again watch another sunset...

 

Everyday is a bonus, she mumbled to me again while dipping for the first time this year our feet in the cold waters. I wrapped myself warm in my blue cardigan, holding to it as the wind blew strong almost making us tumble. "come on! its not that cold" she said with a smirk on her face, she knows us islanders can't stand the cold. Thinking that last June we were already bathing in the same waters, and today we were shivering by just standing there looking at the mighty waves.  Looked back at Cassidy sitting on the sand all wrapped up trying to trap any heat wanting to escape trough the plastic cup that she was tightly holding in the palm of her hands. She gave us a grin and waved back to us.

"I'm so pleased I can be still here with you, this is what makes me go on, fighting time, making the most of the little I have left". What an amazing woman she is I thought, grateful for every breath she takes. I want to grow old just like her, holding no regrets, just memories dear to me, with the people I love and making the most while they are still here.

Walked along the beach already crowded with people trying to make the most of the little sun that escaped trough the cloudy sky. We made it next to Cassidy and shared a few smiles and a few chocolates snapping a few last shots to capture the beauty within that windy day, shared with people dear to me.

Left the beach with the promise to come back soon, to share more memories and even more smiles. It would have not been a complete day if not ended with a sunset. Watched it from home..our home..having tea with a soft whisper of a breeze promising  that summer will be here soon...

Pictures by Hotei ©

Reminiscences...

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to write about  you... 

But how can you drown the will to put a stop to the constant loss of those sweet memories...

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to think of you... 

 But how can you not think, when everything reminds me of you...  

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to dream of you...

 But who can ever decide what one dreams... 

I know you wish me to be gone, but yet I know something holds you back from leaving the thought of me behind. Darling you delivered your bleeding heart to me, but I was simply too scared to hold your hand. God knows how much it hurt me to see you depart, and God knows how hard it was to force my lips shut and utter no sound.

I have tried to ignore this feeling but yet something pulls me back to you over and over again. I promise that I will never shatter your world again, not for fear to break my own as mine turned to ashes the day you turned your back and walked away...far...without ever looking back.

How can you deny there was love where once there was emptiness... now it hurts even more to know we drown our feelings to deny each other...thus we do.

Alas, you had to leave, I will not weep for you today, but will shed a tear of joy as gratitude for coming into my life and fill it with short happy moments....moments I'll treasure trough my whole life.

Darling you came into my life faster then thunder and then left even more fast. You did not stay long into my life, but just long enough to leave your imprint on this thick skinned man.  

Darling I send you my love and a reminder that I'll always be here for you now and always... 

Picture by tumblr 

Sail me to shore

Katie Melua - If You Were A Sailboat

Last year this time we were planing how our life would have change in a year or so. Much have changed but we are still far from the goals we've set, far yet so close...

Guess all we have to do is to keep believing in the dreams we shared, we still share them after all. One day soon...very soon I hope... will become a reality.

Last year this time we walked down a sandy beach while the cool wind from the sea caressed our faces warmed by the soft sun of May. Our heart beating fast like a steam engine trying to catch up our breath  as we reached the shore...and feel the cold waters upon our feet. 

I remember it all as if it was only yesterday. Spent hours looking at a sailing boat gently rocking in the sea. And  we wondered how it would feel to be a sail-boat and wander from shore to shore. Wouldn't it be lovely?...

I remember the cold waters on our naked feet as we ran all the way back acting like kids again, or perhaps cause I fell in love again in that very moment...and yet again time seemed to have stopped. 

Thought it would have been a day just like every other ordinary day..walking silently along the sea hand in hand, perhaps...not uttering any word, letting a smile..a smirk transmit our feelings. 

Wouldn't it be lovely...if we could sit again on the same moist red sand sharing the beach with no one. And wouldn't it be lovely to find again the memories we left behind...I dearly keep these images of us, the beach, and that calm sail-boat almost enchanting on that perfect day. 

If you were a sail-boat I'll sail you to the same safe shore, I'll sail you safe through the storms. Not afraid of the high waves and the violent winds as they will blow me to this enchanted place, making me forget what we have just been through. I don't mind as long I'll have you. 

We soon had to go, the day got fast short, and we were no longer alone. But just before we turned our back, a last stare,  waved goodbye to that sail-boat promised we be back again to that very same shore, perhaps on another perfect day... 

For the words I never say, the feelings many times I don't show.

Bust just because I don't shout them out to the entire world it doesn't mean I don't love you... 

Thank you my love for reading my mind and understanding me even if many times my lips don't let out the words you expect to hear...

Pictures by Hotei 

Lyrics & music Katie Melua 

Humming the same old melody...

Katie Melua - Mary Pickford

I'm just a man with dreams, simple!, ordinary dreams, but these are the dreams that make my world as it is, myself as I am. Me... in my good days and bad days, good or bad as I may be. I may open my mind and write down my emotions in a few lines, trying to find a way to feel lighter; hoping, working and striving for these dreams to become a reality. I think of myself as a character in a book engaging new adventures with every line that I read, overcoming  obstacles, meeting new characters  discovering more with every page I read in this story I call life.....



For the past two weeks I have been working on the last few renovations left in our apartment. Many times I be just alone in the empty rooms, only me and the thoughts in my head, and the awaiting dreams within those walls...those walls that are already saturated with dreams, some of them shattered and others that I want to hold onto. These are the dreams and memories I want to share with you....



A recent memory I be holding on is the one that happened today, guess this is what make people fall deep in for each other...the capability to share memories trough time, to be able to look back and say we done this together, we have over come that together, even if many times some things are left unsaid...like we are afraid to utter words to express feelings, but the beauty within life is that sometimes we can say a thousand word without talking....a look, a smile can tell a million things....

"Mary Pickford used to eat roses 

Thought that they'd make her beautiful and they did, 

one supposes.. "

 ...I hum, when I be standing on the stool trying to re-give glory to the old iron doors. Simply painting I find it to be almost therapeutic, it calms me and makes me feel happy....

"Douglas Fairbanks, he was so handsome,

He wore a moustache, 

Must-a had much cash, too,

Worth a king's ransom..."

  

...Well I be alone when singing, not everyone can appreciate talent or recognise a good voice when they hear it, if you get my drift...

"Charlie Chaplin, he was invited, 

When these artists became united..."

...Today I was not alone, Cass came along and helped me with the works. Time goes by faster when you have company and exchange a few words...or a smile perhaps... 

"David Griffith worked as an extra, 

Then as a stage-hand, 

Until they let him be

A director"

... Therapeutic yes! if done for a short while that is...after a few hours or better say days it is not even remotely calming and I find it of not any benefit at all...

"Dave was brave, a mover and shaker,

A true pioneer,

He seemed to show no fear, 

A real film maker"

....Made my self a coffee....coffee always makes the trick. Wandered in the empty rooms thinking of just nothing holding my brown hot mug in my hand, when I heard a soft hum...walked towards the familiar tune, there she was, with that sweet soft grin on her face...reminding me why I fell in love with her...

"They tied the knot together, 

Groom and bride couldn't hide their pleasure,

They tried to pick fair weather, 

But love died, didn't last forever"

...It is strange yet fascinating how she picked the same song I always sing when I'm alone...Thought I was dreaming...no it was real...real like the memory I be holding of this day....

"Mary Pickford used to eat roses, 

Thought that they'd make her beautiful and they did, 

One supposes......"

...

Written down as a reminder as I constantly grow... love, perhaps unspoken and for the things I leave unsaid....to you my lovely sweet inspiration. Thank you to be the simple you, I happen to love very much that simple you....yours Hotei.

Picture by Hotei

Music   & lyrics by Katie Melua 

Speak my mind...

If I think what to say about all of my stories my answer would be that I haven't got a clue really. All of this happened just slightly over a year ago I know, but it feels like my mind is trying to erase every last residue of memory left behind. If I try to remember what I felt all I can think and feel is a bitter-sweet feeling deep inside my chest. It kind of makes me smile now that is all passed...passed, yes... but not completely forgotten, how can one ever forget his emotions? they might not be very clear but you cant really remove them.

Many times I try to put the blame on him, but then again I know that "it takes two to tango". I let him do this to me only cause I let him do it to me. I feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit angry only for the lies that later came, for deceiving me, for breaking me and for playing a rough game with my mind. I believe that one persons heart can break many times but yet it finds ways to mend its self, but one persons mind is far more difficult to fix.

You know..it is even more painful when I think how much I have changed, how much pain I caused to the one that remained standing by my side all this time. The one that always loved me for what I was and for what I am. Must add she might have hid her feelings many times, many times I felt like I was taken for granted, that I would have always be there, and perhaps she never realised that some of her words could have been felt like a blunt dagger trying to find way trough my flesh. I have not helped the situation ether with my stubbornness nor with my attitude. But I never seized to love her, of that I am sure. I might have not sown it, but I always did.

I must admit that it was not easy to walk away, to find the courage to pick up all of the pieces and carry on. And I would have not done it if I did not receive help when needed, I was lucky to find someone to stop me when I was about to commit stupid actions. And for a man to admit he was wrong many times feels like the greatest challenge.

If you asked me how I feel now or if still have feelings for Guga the answer is easy. I do miss the person, the human in his crudity, but it feel stupid now to say. This was a chapter that it was meant to happen to help me understand more my self and how important the persons in my life are. I moved on but never forgotten the way I came, it was long... it was not easy, but it was needed as I believe all happens for a reason.

Slowly the wound left behind healed, yet the scar is still visible, but I proudly show it as I am now not afraid to show... to show my weakness, actually I feel almost brave and mature to share my story. It is never easy to speak my mind freely, it never is, as the smallest of my memories unleash bigger emotions now buried deep inside me...

Pictures by tumblr 

Release the swans free

Forgiven -piano cover

Never thought things will change, never wished for things to change...

     Upon a star up in the heaven's  

 Shed tears and Wished like in a childhood dream 

 Past feelings, so deep, too deep I fear 

   Buried so deep,  One never thought still exist  

 Close to the end of this dying Day  

 Finally found the way out of the mists  

 Soon I'll make my way, away- yet near 

 I Have to endure, I have to  subsist  

 A lie based on truth, fake?  no! not you 

 If its a dream, I must Wake to resist 

 Faith weaved this dream with its finest treads  

 Love and hate, To give this short tale a twist 

  Search and Find, the girl I never kissed 

    Scard my core, tough for it I never sought 

    Deep in my mind, among dreams I sift 

 Lost it All, you and me,  not even fought 

 Was it just me, to leave and ignore? 

 Or was it meant to undo this love knot? 

 Who's to blame? Might even have no name 

  Too tightly laced, to happen Just by chance  

 The moon shines only where there is dark 

 This leaves me with much more then room for thought   

I'm afraid of A dream, we once shared 

 Just a Dream, reality... shall be not...   

On this long tedious journey walking the path of my past, found you lost and scared. With every passing day I watched you grow, fighting demons, fighting fear. You gave me strength to go on, when I was tired. When I grew to tired to fight my own demons that haunted me, perhaps the same that before controlled you.  

I must beg for forgiveness, I am not sure what we have done wrong to end up so distant so lost... when we were following the same path. We both shared the same dream, a dream that has turned to ashes.

I forgive you my dear, for the many times you doubted me, for the many times you fetched escape away from me. Remember, I always be here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. 

  

   In a prison made of broken dreams 

Dark was the water you choose to find rest 

Captive found yourself, must Break the chain  

The cold wind blew that night, no star shined bright 

Frozen by fear, with Chains at your feet 

Once you dreamed to be free, wings wide you spread 

No fear, your wings once more kissed the wind 

And you now know there was never a chain 

Nothing to hold you,  no walls to break 

This pond was your home, a prison you build 

Now you remembered, these wings can  Fly   

Slave no more, nothing to fear my black swan  

Far away, Away from here you chose to be... 

  

My dear I'll set you free, I let you be. I have no doubt that on this long path we will meet again. you might have set fire to every bridge while escaping your own self, giving the blame to me.

Now its time for me to go, as I write these last few lines I can remember every tear I shed. I can feel the raging heat on my skin while crossing these memories that long ago we set to flames...

Picture by tumblr 

Dedicated to the three persons that helped me become the man I am today...

A hasty decision (part 3)

If you set a rule to a child, like, "never open that drawer" what really happens is always the opposite, curiosity over comes and the child does anything but what you told him not to do...

                                                                          ~0~


Guga kept warning me to never fall for him, but I ignored all of his warnings, I simply could not control what I was feeling, and lets be honest, who can control his own feelings?. Sentiments cant be tamed or controlled and we can never choose for who or when we will fall, its just like an unwritten law.

I ignored every warning and sign, many times I thought about turning my back on him and simply walk away, just like nothing ever happened. But the image of him was stuck in my head and I could not get it out no matter what. The questions,  what should I do, why this happened and why him? was a constant in my head, it never left me not even when I was away with Cassidy. Then after a few weeks everything started not making any sense at all. Destiny, guess this time I am right when I call it destiny... followed me and tormented me without any mercy. Whatever I did and wherever I ran  the name Guga and the name Lisbon followed me, it was not just in my head, it was real, it was happening...

I could not find any option but to face this and I had to face him. Without any hesitation I thought of a way to end this once and for all. It would have been my make me or brake me decision. I could have lost everything I had and every one I loved, but I could not see any other way out.

Secretly subscribed with an online company to keep me posted with any vacancies for jobs of all sorts in Lisbon. I could not say a word of Portuguese not even to save my own life, but I could speak English, it could work I thought.  Searched for a place to stay and organised all of my accounts to have at least a few months without worrying about finances. Not after long I started browsing and sending my "Curriculum Vitae" to different companies in Lisbon, to my surprise just a few days later I received my first replies for a work.
There I thought more and more that this idea was a good choice. Found a place where to stay, and checked for flights, I wanted to be ready to leave any time.

My suitcase was packed and ready to go, just...was I ready to go? without a proper farewell to my love, and not even an explanation why this was happening.

And what would I do when I meet him?, if I meet him.... Would I recognise his face in the crowd?. His image was printed in my head, I would have, I thought.  But would he recognise me if he saw me? and what if he did, would that change anything?. And would I face my fears and talk to him if I did?. If I met him there... would he be different from the person I learned to know from miles away?.      

For days I stared at my suitcase, days in which I prayed that what I was about to do was the right choice.
I hoped for a sign, hope was all I had to hold onto. Leaving the world I knew, to step into the unknown void...

Pictures By google images

A hasty decision (part2)

For days after my arrival back home I avoided any contact with Guga, I was now sure of my feelings for Cassidy, I love her. I am sure, I do. I don't have the remote doubt about it.  Still, I wanted to know what was that feeling pressing upon my chest, why Guga would not leave me  alone... Why he constantly invaded my dreams.... 

To walk toward the decision I made was not easy, I have tried to control my feelings, but one cant undone or turn off his feelings. It takes time. Sometimes it never heals, it remains a constant at the back of our heads and sometimes it comes back to the surface without any warning, leaving us in denial.

Not sure if it was just a coincidence,  faith or destiny, but whatever it was, I found it to be cruel, a sick joke played by an unknown uncontrollable force. 

I could not ignore this soft murmur, this constant call in my head. It came to me just like a shadow, a light breeze still holding a residue of his voice. A lullaby that played the same tune over and over. I wished them to stop, leave me alone, let me rule my own thoughts again.

There was only one way to stop this haunting. I must go look for the answer to this question there were it was born. But leaving towards the black unknown felt like the hardest decision  I ever made in my life. As hard as it would have been saying to Cassidy that I would be leaving for a while, a goodbye would make it even more difficult. She wouldn't let me go and I wouldn't be able to release her from my last embrace, even if I knew it would have not been the very last. Watching her waving goodbye would just be to much to take.

Picture by  google images 

A hasty decision...

Only God knows how much I prayed, only God knows what kind of thoughts passed trough my head. I was on the verge of insanity. How could have this happen to me? how? and why?. I always thought I knew what I wanted from my life, I was sure I knew. But there I was, lost and confused.

I needed time to be alone, to think things over. I wanted to be away from everyone and everything. But its hard when you have commitments, and even harder when the farther you can be is just a few km away, and most probably or eventually will meet or bump into someone you know to remind you of who you are and where you come from, these are the disadvantages of living on an island measuring 14/27 km!.

For days I avoided opening my laptop and for days I heard this voice coming out of it calling my name and asking me to go back. I was going mad.

Then a godsend!, my friend from the UK invited Cass and me to stay over her house for a few days. I accepted without any hesitation, and Cass looked quite trilled too to the idea. The invitation came at the right time and moment, it was what the both of us needed.

I left the voices in my head back home and left to the quiet of the English countryside. It was what I needed, it was what the both of us needed. At the back of my head Guga was still a constant, but everyday that passed he felt distant and even more distant. It was like, I could see clearly again, he was still lingered in my head but I felt like I knew what was happening to me. I felt somehow, some what reborn!. It felt good...

Extended my stay by 4 more days, travelled south to London, and booked a lovely room in a small hotel, situated in the centre (for those who knows the TV series upstairs downstairs, it was one of those old mentions renovated and turned to boutique hotels). Very romantic, we had all the time and quiet we needed and wanted.

Loved to hear you breath while you sleep..

Loved to feel your warm breath on my chest...

Waking beside you...warm..

while outside was cold....

Listening to the rain while we both felt into deep sleep...

On my return home I knew what I wanted to do..... I knew it was a very hasty decision, but I was sure I wanted to do it!. There was no other options, and I felt like it was my  make me or break me decision...this would have been the final answer, I would have all of the answers I needed or simply loose everything I had . All that I wanted to know would have come to me, only...would it be all the same? and would I take it? and mostly important, what will Cassidy think?....would we survive this as-well?...

Its not always easy to share, to be continued ...

Pictures by tumblr and Hotei.