The rain whispered.

Destiny is what created this blog and guess its destiny that is knocking on my door again. Just by coincidence wanted to read the last actual post I wrote, it have been a long while and I could not remember what was it or what it talked about. It was ordinary. Yes just like me, but there! something made me smile. Something made me say the old words "ah! destiny" long time I did not mention you!. And here you are again on my threshold waiting and waving for me. What was it you ask? "Monday, 24 February 2014" the same date as today! call that a coincidence!.



I do not know how many times I have come here and stared for hours at a blank screen. Perhaps hitting a few buttons and then moments later hit the delete button and erase all in mere seconds.

But unexpected events, warm whispers from distant friends keep coming at night, waking me up. Sweet hauntings, mellow lullabies. This I cannot delete, these I cannot turn my back too. And guess this is how it all started on a cold rainy day. Days like these make me feel the want to write. Perhaps the charcoal grey of the sky reminds me of the traces the pen leaves on a blank page. The smell of winter and the tight grasp of all that is winter drags me to this nostalgic state of mind. The cold wind howling, raindrops frantically bombing my window and the smell of wet grass, yes this is it the perfect recipe for winter. The perfect setting for me to remember. The perfect time for words and thoughts to sprout.

Still it is not easy to pick the exact words I want to say, its not easy to break the thick layer of ice that it has been created, but even the biggest of journeys have its start with a very humble beginning.

What to say? ordinary! that is me, that is what it have become of me. Still cashing my dreams, new dreams, its funny it never stops  a vicious circle this is!!. always wanting more, always looking for something new as insignificant or bombastic as it may be. So nothing really have changed you may think, perhaps not much, its the same old me. The same old me missing my dear friends and missing this world of words and thoughts.

Sometimes I take a little peek at this magical world for a tiny while but unfortunately it stops there, other times I grab a notebook that came across the ocean and a pen that the waves brought on these shores long before, but it stops there, words simply don't flow.

Even now I look at these few lines and the only word I seem to find fitting is eclectic. That's me always wanting to make a lot, starting a hundreds of  tasks and finish none of them. And I guess this is another beginning, another chapter of my life, a fresh page.... this thanks to you for waking me up dear rain...dear friends...and here it starts...

Picture by tumblr

[LOVE] he wrote!

Static! he said, and guess he is right, I am hesitating when it comes to press the orange publish button. What's the point in writing posts? writing thoughts, then not finish the last line!. Guess this means that I am not feeling comfortable in my own skin any more. I think and ask myself, why I'm doing so? then I tell to myself wasn't this the reason I started this diary?.

Thinking of it, its true... I know he is right but guess there is much to learn, and we should have learnt this a long while ago.

Guess it was love that made me start... then later transformed (evolved) to something more deep, to something more personal, but it kept the same idea the same meaning. "Eclectic" at times but still it changed around the very same idea. Guess it changed with me as I grew, as I perhaps learned every time I stumbled, every time I choose a new path to walk.

Perhaps we have divided ideas about this or perhaps we see this trough a different lens, but guess our feelings are the same in the end.

I say...what is wrong in picking up the same theme? if every time its a different emotion I feel. Who wouldn't write down a deceleration on paper every time one feels butterflies in his stomach?. Every time one is dragged in a stranger eye...captured in a travellers smile...

Many times I promised my self not to write about love, but then there is always that one exception, that only one reason to just put a few words down. Guess some people make you heart beat faster even if you never looked straight in their face or heard their voice, or those other times when you thought you heard that capturing laugh resonating in you ear. That giggle that made you fall, and that smile that made you go so gaga uncountable times.

If you think about it, and you perhaps won't need to over work yourself about it you'll know how similar we are, how many times we crossed the same paths. Love with no returned feeling....love at a distance...love that was just a fickle dream...guess the reason must and will always be love....

Pictures by tumblr & google images 

Understanding

Once more they made their way into my dreams. Once again I have been awaken by murmurs inside my head. The uncontrollable urge to empty my mind. Now that I know there is no way back, there is no way to erase what's done. I can't just let them go, these unsaid words are to dear to me, to dear to let go...

How funny this is, funny... perhaps I should say awkward. Awkward, is a much suitable word to use.  Lately I been writing and writing every thought that crosses my mind. I been writing on every vessel that could carry my thoughts away.  Anything!, as long the surface was good enough to write on. Anything to stop the tormenting voices inside my head, voices of the words still unsaid. I know if I don't let them out they  cease to exist, and how can I do this to them, they did nothing wrong they were born for the single reason to preserve, to make her somehow listen more the words I never say. And how can I ever ignore them? these sweet nothings...

These sweet little noises, perhaps good to say more then just whispers. Not easy to let them out, I forced them down deep inside. Perhaps one day they will make more sense, perhaps one day she'll understand them more. Perhaps one day I will understand them more. Perhaps one day I will understand the same texts I write. Perhaps one day I will learn to read properly the language of my heart.

These words may not be worth enough to share, but maybe one day they will kiss air. Whispers gently carried by the air we breath. To make us understand more this sentiment that words enough can never explain.

I know she craves for more, I know it have become a drug that keeps her coming and wanting more. Not greed perhaps, more assurance that it was not a dream, not a figment of her imagination. I am sure words will spread, and once more words will be set free while she peeks in disguise...

This is you, the soft lullaby playing softly in my mind. 

Something I can't simply turn my back on. 

This is you, the clear image before my eyes. 

Something I can't just ignore. 

This is you, the gentile touch on my skin. 

Something I can feel and know is real. 

Picture by tumblr 

Checkmate

Run away! Be gone!

All my feelings turned to rage

The spell is undone!

  How many times do I have to endure?...                    How many times do I have to walk these roads?...

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... I craved so much for you in the past and you just kept saying the same cold no...

All of my love, all of my feelings, every little tiny bit of me craved for you. Now those past feelings turned to rage, everything that reminds me of you unleashes anger. Not regretting though... no this is not regret... how can I regret what once made me happy? how can I regret what made me the man I am today?.

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... Now you are craving for me, for my heart, more then ever but I'll just say no...

You never thought you'll loose your own game, you never thought this boy would one day grow into a man only to find out and realising what a twisted game you played...

This quick note is not the end, its just a reminder to look back at for when my mind asks why or for when your lips ask me why... This is where our paths divide, this is where I say goodbye...this is where I take over the game....

Who are you?... who are you? to dare tell me you love me! is this part of your perfect plotted plan to assault my mind?. You can now play the old lullaby over and over, but my mind have now grown immune to its sound. I have learned to nod my head but will never listen... you'll never rule again.

Isn't it funny how this chapter has come to an end in the most unpredictable way? My pen drained enough precious ink over you...and my tears have long washed the blood stained paper on which I mourned your love on...

I confess my mistakes as many I did and I admit, I am far from perfect, I am far from good but at least I was true...

A continuation from the lights of Lisbon 

Picture by Hotei ©  

Perfect is just a myth

Mistakes...I have done a whole bunch of them in my life, but I always try not to regret any of them. I have come a long way since I have started this long journey. Now that I have come this far I feel more mature perhaps much stronger, my personality changed morphing my feelings for you with it.

Its funny how things turn out to be, everything happens when you least expect it to happen. I always told myself that the day I meet you I was just too early now that you decided to call my name I'm afraid you are simply to late. I know you don't believe me but I loved you even if I tasted your poison over and over again, and still I fell for you time and time again. I know you don't believe me but I'm ready to turn my back on you without ever looking back.

I am not sad, I am just angry. Angry for the way  I have been treated. For the many times I have been deceived, and for the fact that I let you deceive me in the first place. I can't hate you, no! I simply can't, but you do make me angry. Angry not with yourself but with my own self for believing in you and all of your lies. I believe you  even when I know you lie, guess this is what stupid sentiments lead to. Go on you can lie to me, pretend you really mean what you say.

You play the role of the one who is holy, making me look like I was the one who was wrong. But can't you see? now they know it was you all-along. I am ready to face the mistakes I commit, but I'll be taking you down with me making you choke and drown in your own contradictions and lies.

I know you don't believe me but if you ever need me I be there, this is how much important you have been to me. I have been here before, so now I know the game you play, and besides the game is not fun if we'r not two to play. So don't try to force words down my throat this time, I'm not a child any more. Long I have learned that perfect does not exist...

How does it feel now that you lost your king's throne?

We constantly learn, we learn from those who show us to be better and we learn even more from those who want us to be worst by showing us what wrong is. 

Picture by tumblr (Attaining Nirvana) 

Reminiscences...

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to write about  you... 

But how can you drown the will to put a stop to the constant loss of those sweet memories...

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to think of you... 

 But how can you not think, when everything reminds me of you...  

 I lost count on how many times I promised not to dream of you...

 But who can ever decide what one dreams... 

I know you wish me to be gone, but yet I know something holds you back from leaving the thought of me behind. Darling you delivered your bleeding heart to me, but I was simply too scared to hold your hand. God knows how much it hurt me to see you depart, and God knows how hard it was to force my lips shut and utter no sound.

I have tried to ignore this feeling but yet something pulls me back to you over and over again. I promise that I will never shatter your world again, not for fear to break my own as mine turned to ashes the day you turned your back and walked away...far...without ever looking back.

How can you deny there was love where once there was emptiness... now it hurts even more to know we drown our feelings to deny each other...thus we do.

Alas, you had to leave, I will not weep for you today, but will shed a tear of joy as gratitude for coming into my life and fill it with short happy moments....moments I'll treasure trough my whole life.

Darling you came into my life faster then thunder and then left even more fast. You did not stay long into my life, but just long enough to leave your imprint on this thick skinned man.  

Darling I send you my love and a reminder that I'll always be here for you now and always... 

Picture by tumblr 

Speak my mind...

If I think what to say about all of my stories my answer would be that I haven't got a clue really. All of this happened just slightly over a year ago I know, but it feels like my mind is trying to erase every last residue of memory left behind. If I try to remember what I felt all I can think and feel is a bitter-sweet feeling deep inside my chest. It kind of makes me smile now that is all passed...passed, yes... but not completely forgotten, how can one ever forget his emotions? they might not be very clear but you cant really remove them.

Many times I try to put the blame on him, but then again I know that "it takes two to tango". I let him do this to me only cause I let him do it to me. I feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit angry only for the lies that later came, for deceiving me, for breaking me and for playing a rough game with my mind. I believe that one persons heart can break many times but yet it finds ways to mend its self, but one persons mind is far more difficult to fix.

You know..it is even more painful when I think how much I have changed, how much pain I caused to the one that remained standing by my side all this time. The one that always loved me for what I was and for what I am. Must add she might have hid her feelings many times, many times I felt like I was taken for granted, that I would have always be there, and perhaps she never realised that some of her words could have been felt like a blunt dagger trying to find way trough my flesh. I have not helped the situation ether with my stubbornness nor with my attitude. But I never seized to love her, of that I am sure. I might have not sown it, but I always did.

I must admit that it was not easy to walk away, to find the courage to pick up all of the pieces and carry on. And I would have not done it if I did not receive help when needed, I was lucky to find someone to stop me when I was about to commit stupid actions. And for a man to admit he was wrong many times feels like the greatest challenge.

If you asked me how I feel now or if still have feelings for Guga the answer is easy. I do miss the person, the human in his crudity, but it feel stupid now to say. This was a chapter that it was meant to happen to help me understand more my self and how important the persons in my life are. I moved on but never forgotten the way I came, it was long... it was not easy, but it was needed as I believe all happens for a reason.

Slowly the wound left behind healed, yet the scar is still visible, but I proudly show it as I am now not afraid to show... to show my weakness, actually I feel almost brave and mature to share my story. It is never easy to speak my mind freely, it never is, as the smallest of my memories unleash bigger emotions now buried deep inside me...

Pictures by tumblr 

The horrible truth

"I think you are making a terrible mistake Hotei!"

 "Think about it, think about your life...your future"

 "Don't make choices you will regret later"

"This story never had a future from the very start"

"You should be where you belong, and you don't belong here"

His words resonated for hours in my head, after all of those sweet words, he turned cold he felt distant... now that I was so close to meet him... Now that all was making sense...now that I thought I knew...

He walked away never looking back, without saying a goodbye, a smile or maybe a sign. I am not sure or perhaps I can't remember if I missed him, it have been so long now, that the image of him is almost fading. The memory of those days staring at a suitcase are so far, I can barely recognise the person staring at a travelling bag ready to leave.

We have not known each other for long, this story was too short, the last chapter came too soon. But guess just long enough to feel the pain of separation. Left with words unsaid, leaving only a slight feeling of regret of things I wish I could have said. Many times I wonder if you ever wanted to tell me a last word, or even just a horrible cold goodbye.

Within the days that came, I just stared at the idle screen of my laptop. I was not sure if he would have ever came back, but I was now sure I wanted to be far away from the pain he caused.


For every action there is a an opposite reaction they say, there where times were I hated him, there were times where I missed him and there where times I just forgot him...forgot all the collection of new feelings he caused to happen.

The day I found myself ready to walk away was with the help of my close friend even though he was miles away. On that day I started writing a diary as a reminder of my mistakes, gains and pain this journey caused. So that I would look back and know how far I have grown and come. What I didn't know was that destiny had more ready for me....

Picture by tumblr 

Release the swans free

Forgiven -piano cover

Never thought things will change, never wished for things to change...

     Upon a star up in the heaven's  

 Shed tears and Wished like in a childhood dream 

 Past feelings, so deep, too deep I fear 

   Buried so deep,  One never thought still exist  

 Close to the end of this dying Day  

 Finally found the way out of the mists  

 Soon I'll make my way, away- yet near 

 I Have to endure, I have to  subsist  

 A lie based on truth, fake?  no! not you 

 If its a dream, I must Wake to resist 

 Faith weaved this dream with its finest treads  

 Love and hate, To give this short tale a twist 

  Search and Find, the girl I never kissed 

    Scard my core, tough for it I never sought 

    Deep in my mind, among dreams I sift 

 Lost it All, you and me,  not even fought 

 Was it just me, to leave and ignore? 

 Or was it meant to undo this love knot? 

 Who's to blame? Might even have no name 

  Too tightly laced, to happen Just by chance  

 The moon shines only where there is dark 

 This leaves me with much more then room for thought   

I'm afraid of A dream, we once shared 

 Just a Dream, reality... shall be not...   

On this long tedious journey walking the path of my past, found you lost and scared. With every passing day I watched you grow, fighting demons, fighting fear. You gave me strength to go on, when I was tired. When I grew to tired to fight my own demons that haunted me, perhaps the same that before controlled you.  

I must beg for forgiveness, I am not sure what we have done wrong to end up so distant so lost... when we were following the same path. We both shared the same dream, a dream that has turned to ashes.

I forgive you my dear, for the many times you doubted me, for the many times you fetched escape away from me. Remember, I always be here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. 

  

   In a prison made of broken dreams 

Dark was the water you choose to find rest 

Captive found yourself, must Break the chain  

The cold wind blew that night, no star shined bright 

Frozen by fear, with Chains at your feet 

Once you dreamed to be free, wings wide you spread 

No fear, your wings once more kissed the wind 

And you now know there was never a chain 

Nothing to hold you,  no walls to break 

This pond was your home, a prison you build 

Now you remembered, these wings can  Fly   

Slave no more, nothing to fear my black swan  

Far away, Away from here you chose to be... 

  

My dear I'll set you free, I let you be. I have no doubt that on this long path we will meet again. you might have set fire to every bridge while escaping your own self, giving the blame to me.

Now its time for me to go, as I write these last few lines I can remember every tear I shed. I can feel the raging heat on my skin while crossing these memories that long ago we set to flames...

Picture by tumblr 

Dedicated to the three persons that helped me become the man I am today...

A hasty decision (part 3)

If you set a rule to a child, like, "never open that drawer" what really happens is always the opposite, curiosity over comes and the child does anything but what you told him not to do...

                                                                          ~0~


Guga kept warning me to never fall for him, but I ignored all of his warnings, I simply could not control what I was feeling, and lets be honest, who can control his own feelings?. Sentiments cant be tamed or controlled and we can never choose for who or when we will fall, its just like an unwritten law.

I ignored every warning and sign, many times I thought about turning my back on him and simply walk away, just like nothing ever happened. But the image of him was stuck in my head and I could not get it out no matter what. The questions,  what should I do, why this happened and why him? was a constant in my head, it never left me not even when I was away with Cassidy. Then after a few weeks everything started not making any sense at all. Destiny, guess this time I am right when I call it destiny... followed me and tormented me without any mercy. Whatever I did and wherever I ran  the name Guga and the name Lisbon followed me, it was not just in my head, it was real, it was happening...

I could not find any option but to face this and I had to face him. Without any hesitation I thought of a way to end this once and for all. It would have been my make me or brake me decision. I could have lost everything I had and every one I loved, but I could not see any other way out.

Secretly subscribed with an online company to keep me posted with any vacancies for jobs of all sorts in Lisbon. I could not say a word of Portuguese not even to save my own life, but I could speak English, it could work I thought.  Searched for a place to stay and organised all of my accounts to have at least a few months without worrying about finances. Not after long I started browsing and sending my "Curriculum Vitae" to different companies in Lisbon, to my surprise just a few days later I received my first replies for a work.
There I thought more and more that this idea was a good choice. Found a place where to stay, and checked for flights, I wanted to be ready to leave any time.

My suitcase was packed and ready to go, just...was I ready to go? without a proper farewell to my love, and not even an explanation why this was happening.

And what would I do when I meet him?, if I meet him.... Would I recognise his face in the crowd?. His image was printed in my head, I would have, I thought.  But would he recognise me if he saw me? and what if he did, would that change anything?. And would I face my fears and talk to him if I did?. If I met him there... would he be different from the person I learned to know from miles away?.      

For days I stared at my suitcase, days in which I prayed that what I was about to do was the right choice.
I hoped for a sign, hope was all I had to hold onto. Leaving the world I knew, to step into the unknown void...

Pictures By google images

A hasty decision...

Only God knows how much I prayed, only God knows what kind of thoughts passed trough my head. I was on the verge of insanity. How could have this happen to me? how? and why?. I always thought I knew what I wanted from my life, I was sure I knew. But there I was, lost and confused.

I needed time to be alone, to think things over. I wanted to be away from everyone and everything. But its hard when you have commitments, and even harder when the farther you can be is just a few km away, and most probably or eventually will meet or bump into someone you know to remind you of who you are and where you come from, these are the disadvantages of living on an island measuring 14/27 km!.

For days I avoided opening my laptop and for days I heard this voice coming out of it calling my name and asking me to go back. I was going mad.

Then a godsend!, my friend from the UK invited Cass and me to stay over her house for a few days. I accepted without any hesitation, and Cass looked quite trilled too to the idea. The invitation came at the right time and moment, it was what the both of us needed.

I left the voices in my head back home and left to the quiet of the English countryside. It was what I needed, it was what the both of us needed. At the back of my head Guga was still a constant, but everyday that passed he felt distant and even more distant. It was like, I could see clearly again, he was still lingered in my head but I felt like I knew what was happening to me. I felt somehow, some what reborn!. It felt good...

Extended my stay by 4 more days, travelled south to London, and booked a lovely room in a small hotel, situated in the centre (for those who knows the TV series upstairs downstairs, it was one of those old mentions renovated and turned to boutique hotels). Very romantic, we had all the time and quiet we needed and wanted.

Loved to hear you breath while you sleep..

Loved to feel your warm breath on my chest...

Waking beside you...warm..

while outside was cold....

Listening to the rain while we both felt into deep sleep...

On my return home I knew what I wanted to do..... I knew it was a very hasty decision, but I was sure I wanted to do it!. There was no other options, and I felt like it was my  make me or break me decision...this would have been the final answer, I would have all of the answers I needed or simply loose everything I had . All that I wanted to know would have come to me, only...would it be all the same? and would I take it? and mostly important, what will Cassidy think?....would we survive this as-well?...

Its not always easy to share, to be continued ...

Pictures by tumblr and Hotei.

There where the grass is greener?

I felt like no longer she looked at me the same way as before, I felt she was getting distant and more distant as days went on. Perhaps it was just me or just in my head, but the thing is, that I felt uncomfortable with this situation, and the more days that passed the stronger this feeling became. Now what I promised to my self seemed to be distant, the person I tried to forget and avoid felt like he was what I wanted, what I needed back then, he felt warm even if he was distant, and Cassidy felt cold even when we made love.

I was sure I love her, but I was not sure I loved her the same way as before. We have been trough so much in the past years, we had our happy moments our sad moments, we smiled... we laughed... we cried...we painted this life together starting from a blank canvas, but I felt like I was not the author of the painting, I simply could not see  myself in it any more.

I wished I had time to think things over, but I could not take for ever. After all I felt like it would be selfish of me to do so, must not forget I was not alone feeling this way, I was more then just sure.

Guga kept me trapped under his spell for months, he gave me all that back then I needed, from attention to care. But he could not offer love, he never did since the beginning, he just offered me an escape route just that, all the rest was just in my head, just an illusion,  I wanted just an acknowledgement but he never gave me that. At least I knew were he was standing and where his feelings would lead him...I did not know where mine would lead me!. 

The day I told Guga I might be falling for him even if I never met him in person was the day that the relationship started to change. He never looked for love, or if he secretly was, he never shared that with me, after all he was a reserved person. From that day our encounters started to diminish, to the point I started to forget how his voice sound, how his face looked like. Only my thoughts of him never changed.

It was the time when I realised and started asking the question to myself...what was I doing?.
I felt used and mentally abused, I let him do this to me, filling me up with his sweet words, making me feel good about my self...I could not hate him for that....no I couldn't...

I tried my best to avoid any contact with him and just ignored all of his messages, I wanted to take control back of  my life and my emotions. No more I left him be the ruler of my dreams...



...at least I tried.

Picture google images

The howling

Many times I loose my self in endless thoughts, thoughts that feel like soft lullabies inside my head, played over and over until I finally wake up to know it was all for real...


You might think you know people but at the end of the day you can never really know a person... isn't this the horrible cold truth?.

Sometimes love is all about letting go, that is a constant reminder I put to my self. You might think I was cold and distant, perhaps I hid my true emotions for a reason that I was to scared to face, you showed yourself true and pure, opened all of what you are to me, trusting me, even if I was just a stranger narrating nonsense. Now I learned, like I learn every day I live, committing the same mistakes over and over realising every time that I am on the edge.

Now I look at you from the distance, not sure if you still remember me if you can still remember my face and my voice...

Angel of mine you came into my life just like a storm, quick and strong and left without leaving a trace of you.




She was just like the wind....

Late at night she came silently,

With her long black hair,

Endless beauty, capturing eyes,

Sweet and kind,

Came silent just like the wind

Touched me just like the wind

Bit me just like the wind

Froze me just like the wind

Embraced me just like the wind

You cut me just like the wind

You went away just like the wind

People are like instruments, we only have to learn how to play them, pressing the right keys, pulling the right cords. Fine tuning them till we learn to listen even without hearing any sound... I remember your sound clearly like it was just yesterday. Yesterday I promised my self to let you go, I promised not to play your cords any more, I will just listen quietly from the distance hearing your music played from the distance. Wondering if you ever wonder about me....wondering if we will ever play the old chant together.   


Angel of mine once again I say goodbye, even if deep inside I know this is not the last time I'll be calling your name, somehow I know...somehow I want to believe. I was and still am grateful to have met you, I still believe that meeting you was a sign of fate. I don't regret a single second of it, you made me find myself again when I was falling in this void, you were there for me like many others showing that there was still a reason to believe in dreams even if some dreams would have never had to come true...I wish you  good fortune my love...


Love Hotei...  

Picture by Hotei 

A warm place

 There were times where I could look with a honest heart  into your eyes...

Decided to talk my heart out to Cassidy, it was time to face my fears and my doubts. All I could do was to stare into her eyes, looking at my own reflection in her now teary eyes.
At the end of our discussion I was even more confused, I kissed Cassidy over and over, I made love to her. And there I was sure I loved her...but this was even more confusing to me...

There were times where I stumbled and fall...

Face my fears, living in this void will not be of any help, decided to come out clean with Guga and tell him all about what was going in my head... may be talking to him would have found an answer to some of my questions and clear some of my confusion...

"Never fall in love with me he said..." but it was just to late...to late to turn my back on this sentiment. It felt horrible in its beautiful reality.


There were times where I could look into your eyes and feel safe...

I led myself to an unstoppable deterioration, I doubted my self I doubted my love for Cassidy. I doubted everything and nothing. Only God knows how lost I felt, how much I prayed and wished to understand what was going on in my head. But as they say everything happens for a reason, and before I drove my self to insanity I opened my heart and mind to my new found friend Gwanni, he listened and understood my feelings, he asked no questions and showed me unconditional love in its true form. There I started to realise that what was going on in my head could be understandable and normal. Loving someone else while in a relationship it could happen, loving someone of my own sex it was possible and mostly... I was normal to feel confused, lost and afraid... at the end of this long dark tunnel I found a glowing warm place to rest, waiting with open arms for me to feel safe...a place I could call home or if I may dare to call it family.


There were times where it felt good to feel scared...

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The fall

I tried to give a name to the feelings inside my head but as much as I might have tried all was in vain, or perhaps I was scared to give it a name. I could try as I may but I could not get Guga out of my head, he followed me during the day, at night he ruled my thoughts making it hard to close my eyes. He taunted me in my dreams. He became my refuge, my escape, my strength.

For days I was lost in the meanders of my mind, to finally put an answer to my questions. With each passing day the more I wanted to know about this person, that now was well deep under my skin.

Love?, could it be possible...how? In my entire life I had never felt such a gravity towards my own sex, now.. all of a sudden it was happening. I must be honest, I hated my self, I tried to ignore this feeling but the more I tried the more I wanted of him. There I was... lost and confused.

Cassidy knew something was not right, but decided not to ask, I decided not to share, after all our relationship started deteriorating bit by bit, and I could have never found the guts to talk things out, this is not natural or real I thought. But it was real, as real as the air I breathe. Could not tell anyone about it, was afraid that no one would understand what was going on inside my head. After all I could not understand my own self and feelings, to that day I only imagined love between the opposite sex, love between the same sex was simply unthinkable!. Then slowly I started placing answers to my questions, Love could come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love could overcome distance, love could change one's beliefs.

Now I gave a name to the feeling that invaded my body and mind, but was it the same from the other side of the monitor?.

Guga seemed to be honest, I believed in him and in all that he said. He opened my eyes to look to the meaning of love in a totally different way I was used to... and I was ready to take every risk just to know he shared the same feeling I did...every risk...even at cost of loosing her...

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Sweet decadence

Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 

Can you fall for someone you've never met?

I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...

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A knight in rusted armour

Grim topic you have chosen my love, very grim indeed... if you think about it. Not quite suitable for the night I thought. But quite fascinating in its metaphoric meaning. Lately the subject raised more then just once, perhaps a sign?, or just pure coincidence. Or may be its just in my head,  many times I fear you discovered my long kept secret...

We die two times in our life, when we close our eyes for the last time and when our name is called for the last time.

Watching your vivid eyes shimmering to the flickering candle lights curious and exited peeking trough a golden mark made me see what made me fall for you. A constant fall in this bottomless pit of dreams sometimes warm and comforting, other times cold and dark.   

"Your my knight in shining armour"  you said, I smiled and fell in love all over again, just like I do every time I find the guts to look deeply into your eyes.

Even on the day were I was suppose to be away from it all, destiny followed me and guess something more then just destiny. Its funny and scary at the same time, "it" recognised me even if I hid behind my gilded mask. "Castille" it read, I smiled and set down quietly to the table, you leaned down gently and whispered the word "destiny". I am not sure what scared me more, to see that destiny followed me or to hear you utter such word upon discovering our placement. But if all this meant to fall more and more for you I am more then happy to feel such fear.

Isn't  it funny how we let the past alter our future, how a tiny event leave big repercussions upon our lives, the way we change our way of thinking the way we act.

I thought I would have to loose you along the way, but you stayed besides me, picking up the bits and pieces I left behind. Loving every single bit of me for what I am, for what I have to give.

I have to retain my self as a lucky person to encounter such a person along my way, you sacrificed you for me not giving a toss what others thought, you synchronised to my rhythm... slowed down when I did... forgetting the world out there never looking back.

A knight in shining armour you called me. I have long forgotten those words, almost I feel uncomfortable to hear them placed on the same sentence with my name. It have been a long time since I wore my armour to lead you out of the dark woods, way to much, to the point of forgetting the way out. At the very end I will have to face and fight my demons, wanting it or not.  

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Things I wish I never knew

Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.

I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  

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You have a friend request.

Rainy day again.... as always on that harsh winter, one of the worst I can remember that hit the island in years. Not able to get out in the morning, logged in as usual on my new hi5 account. Had 10's of requests as always, all as usual, not quite...

Ignored most and added just a few as always. While browsing the new "friends" profiles and replying to some of the messages, a picture caught my attention, at first thought it was one of mine and thought "what is this picture doing on a strangers profile?!" then realised many where similar to mine four pictures where identical!, or almost, the angle changed by a little. Curious I decided to comment on one of them and left a simple message saying "we might have crossed our way without realising :) ". 

The day after logged in early in the morning as I wanted to see if I had received a comment or a reply back, but nothing, no luck. Still curious and bored to death, continued to browse trough pictures on the strangers profile, I could not get much information as most was blocked, all I could see were pictures. Then a few minutes later received a message saying "indeed, loved it in there!". I replied with just an emoticon ( :) ) not quite sure what to say and not quite knowing why I did comment in the first place and actually felt a wee stupid for doing so. Received yet an other message and then an other, asking me when I did take take the pictures and where I was from. I replied without hesitation and asked back the same questions. Portugal! he said (and yet again for privacy sake I'll be calling him Guga) .

Incredible! we been in London on the same dates visited places on the same day and yet we had to meet again a week after online!. 

This person (Guga) had a certain charisma, he was fun in his own way and very educated. He was not vulgar, but out of the ordinary polite... too nice to be real, not like the many others out there. 

Said goodbye after a few minutes, I logged out a little puzzled not quite sure what it have been said. It felt weird or perhaps a little awkward more then weird. Yet I left with a smirk on my face, like the one a kid has when discovering something new and he is ready to shout it to the world. Picked up Cassidy from work and told her about the pictures, she just said to me "you are too naive sometimes Hotei its just a coincidence and you must not trust strangers, you are old enough to know that". She left me with that and I never brought up the subject ever again....ever since.  

I many times wish I have listened to her....but I did not. Went my way and never shared what happened to me from that day onwards..not yet at least...  

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The proof is in the pudding!.

I feel exhausted!. What a week it have been!. The bad weather is not helping at all. Luckily yesterday the weather was kind and the sun showed up in its mighty glory all day!. It was nice to have a walk in the park and be able to snap a few pictures. The day ended up in a very good way, met Tory and talked over a bottle or red, it have been a while since we last met!. Unbelievable when thinking that we live on a rock that measures  27Km by 14Km!!. Was sorry to hear she is having troubles at work again, and I think she shouldn't,  as she is very passionate about it, and goes well over and above her duties all the time!.

Thinking about it I am not having the best days at work either. I simply wish I was able to kick my own self for dropping my position. I have worked hard to be able to get "the" position, the effort I put in showed as the restaurant was ranked one of the top restaurants on the island leaving  way behind my old friends  from my last employment!!! (In your face buddies!!!).  But I am afraid that I am a proud person, very proud, many times way to much and over the smallest things. Stubborn! yes I am, way to much many times stubborn too, but I like to make my point clear and now no matter what happens I will standby the decision I made even at the cost of leaving my job!.

To make a long story short, I took charge of the kitchen at its peek season, ended up working twice the work as before, not because of my position just because Mr Crabs did not want to employ a new cook!. After a long discussion he gave in and agreed to get a new cook, he somehow realised that before we were 4 in the kitchen and now we ended up just 2!. Not mentioning the silly wage increase! and must not forget that on my first month I spent over 200 Euros on fuel just to shop around for the restaurant no joke when you remember the size of this island!!!. Well this was not just it! I have mentioned in one of my past posts that Mr crabs while giving me the new contract said a few things I did not quite like, referring to (you are way too young and the I don't know you part!). I returned the contract back just after a few days and said to him that I am not signing it, as I have proved myself enough during the past year and a half. Somehow he understood my point. To mess up the situation even more he got a new guy that apparently had no experience in the sector and this was the final blow!. I called Mr crabs and told him to get a new chef as I am leaving!.

He bagged me to stay and stupid me I said yes. After a 3 months of hard work a new guy steps in, and the first thing Mr Crabs tells me was make sure you teach him well and check the stuff before sending it out!.

Now! WAIT A MINUTE! You are telling me that you got a new chef, younger then me (Please notice the YOUNGER THEN ME BIT), that is my superior, and I have to make sure he works good? I have to check if my superiors work  is good enough???.

Now after a month that the new "Chef" started here I am leading from behind the scenes, trying not to make the reputation of the restaurant drown. I love doing my job, and I am very passionate about my job, I cant let this bloke ruin this place so I must all the time step in and fix all the "fuck ups" this guy makes, answer to all the damn questions and fix every single issue that rises up. And who takes the credit? Not me!!. Now don't get me wrong, the new guy is a good "boy" and he tries his best, just I don't think this is his piece of cake. There is to much to chew here!. "The proof of the pudding is in the eating" they say, indeed!. Last week after a tremendous service the new guy came to me and said "Thanks Hotei you saved me today!". I got a bit mushy and just said its OK no problem...but come on I cant all the time step in and try to not let the ship sink!. This is getting to much on my nerves and annoying me, I have applied for numerous jobs and to my surprise I got a respond from the least expected...left quite a good impression on the  manager and said I will definitely hear from him, now one question rises...will I be able to say goodbye to the kitchen I love so much?. Will I be able to hang up my apron once and for all?.

  

Pictures goggle images (no the apron is not mine) ;)