Everytime

...

This is not easy to explain, and not sure how am I suppose to react. For once in my life I had a place where I felt safe, a place where I could be me, a place that was mine. There I rested and shared what most was dear to me. Ho! but when I say dear I really mean it, the words that are trapped inside my head, sometimes eager to get out! other times must shake my head really hard to get them out, shy words I guess...

Words that are afraid to show, cause they think they are not worthy or insignificant. Not quite right I must say, not quite right she may think!. For me, like a "fountain of youth", it keeps my memory young, the image clear the scent of her crisp.

She needed not to know, she could read it all trough my eyes, if only she had a manual of how to use. Did she need a proof? something to hold on to? or just curiosity to clear what was uncertain to her?. Thought I was clear as glass, easy to see trough. Perhaps she needed more, of the little words I share.

Now she sleeps with a smile, but the kind I have rarely seen, not the one I was used to. A smile that emits satisfaction with a hint of pride, a pinch of selfishness a potion for disaster it read in my book. But no! I might have misspelled! I now look at sentiments more profound!.

When it comes to look at a blank screen I find it hard to type words, now that I know I caught the attention of her eyes. Afraid of not what she might find, but afraid her eyes will scare the words away. Words I so hardly sought, words I carefully picked, words I carefully saved from a certain loss!.

I say, there is no need to know more then she already know. There is no need to search the land she knows by heart as she discovered and brought to light every treasure there was to find. But we are humans, and humans doubt.

When you doubt yourself read me, when you doubt me leave me... everytime you need to be sure kiss me. Everytime you want me you know the way to find me, and when you get lost in this land you know, look for the map inside your heart.

For this I speak is an ode to love, as all I breath is love, tells love...show love...means love...

       

You now have the key to the secret garden, you can choose to keep it locked and preserve the balance that reigned within its high walls, you may choose to explore an let winter freeze the stories yet untold....

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Unspoken

What if words were free?

Left to spread wild with the wind,

Would you listen more? 

What if we had no dreams to look forward to make when we lay to sleep?. 

What if we had no secrets to hold, would our dignity be left untouched?. 

What if all that we think is said, would that make a better world?.

Guess sometimes the safest place to be is inside your head. Words are kept secret for no one to hear. Inside my head I find my resting place among a million thoughts. I can pick up one word and turn it into anything I want, but only in my head. Words that are left unspoken are more powerful then the one I speak, you only have to learn to read. 

Words trapped inside a bottle, 

Words trapped inside my head, 

Words hidden to die unspoken 

But never to be forgotten 

Secret no more.....

I was never good with words, I was never good to speak. I was good with emotions, good to believe in our dream. I could talk how special you can be, I can shout it to the world.... 

Picture by google images 

Remember

We came to a point were we almost lost it all. It was not easy to go trough it all. We are weak, we get lost, we stumble and fall but we manage to find each other every time.  

Remember...

There was this time were we thought we could never do it, that we could never reach the goals we have set. Set our goals to hight, we thought... asked to much!. There was this time were we felt so small, so helpless and that we could never find a way out. Silly us... the answer was always there in front of us. The answer was us, our love, our hopes and dreams.

Remember...

Perhaps this is how it works, how it is all suppose to work. It takes time, we constantly grow and learn. The past taught me a lot on how to be a man, small daily stories safely stored in the meanders of my mind. I hold on tightly to my past good or bad as it may have been. Perhaps I cant let go of some things I wish I have left behind but guess if I still hold onto them it means they were important to me enough to not let go.

Remember...

Sweated all of our blood to come were we are today, perhaps somewhat wiser. Somehow somewhat better. Now I can see reflections of you in my future, I can see you waving to me from behind a glass as I write down my thoughts while watching sunset. Can hear you calling me within those walls. I can see you laying down on the bed beside me staring at the ceiling, I can feel you  reaching for me and wrapping your arms around me, feeling your warm breath on my neck. I can see me smile back at you, holding you, wanting more of you every single day.

Remember...

We can follow the trail we left along the path of time, We can inhale the scent we left behind, we can remember the touch of our lips on each others skin.




This is what I want to remember...

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Checkmate

Run away! Be gone!

All my feelings turned to rage

The spell is undone!

  How many times do I have to endure?...                    How many times do I have to walk these roads?...

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... I craved so much for you in the past and you just kept saying the same cold no...

All of my love, all of my feelings, every little tiny bit of me craved for you. Now those past feelings turned to rage, everything that reminds me of you unleashes anger. Not regretting though... no this is not regret... how can I regret what once made me happy? how can I regret what made me the man I am today?.

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... Now you are craving for me, for my heart, more then ever but I'll just say no...

You never thought you'll loose your own game, you never thought this boy would one day grow into a man only to find out and realising what a twisted game you played...

This quick note is not the end, its just a reminder to look back at for when my mind asks why or for when your lips ask me why... This is where our paths divide, this is where I say goodbye...this is where I take over the game....

Who are you?... who are you? to dare tell me you love me! is this part of your perfect plotted plan to assault my mind?. You can now play the old lullaby over and over, but my mind have now grown immune to its sound. I have learned to nod my head but will never listen... you'll never rule again.

Isn't it funny how this chapter has come to an end in the most unpredictable way? My pen drained enough precious ink over you...and my tears have long washed the blood stained paper on which I mourned your love on...

I confess my mistakes as many I did and I admit, I am far from perfect, I am far from good but at least I was true...

A continuation from the lights of Lisbon 

Picture by Hotei ©  

Feet in the sand

The wind blew strong yesterday somehow, somewhat coldish, its just like winter still wants to linger a bit longer here. The clouds hid the sun from us giving us only a glimpse of sunshine.  Still this did not stop us from meeting and yet again watch another sunset...

 

Everyday is a bonus, she mumbled to me again while dipping for the first time this year our feet in the cold waters. I wrapped myself warm in my blue cardigan, holding to it as the wind blew strong almost making us tumble. "come on! its not that cold" she said with a smirk on her face, she knows us islanders can't stand the cold. Thinking that last June we were already bathing in the same waters, and today we were shivering by just standing there looking at the mighty waves.  Looked back at Cassidy sitting on the sand all wrapped up trying to trap any heat wanting to escape trough the plastic cup that she was tightly holding in the palm of her hands. She gave us a grin and waved back to us.

"I'm so pleased I can be still here with you, this is what makes me go on, fighting time, making the most of the little I have left". What an amazing woman she is I thought, grateful for every breath she takes. I want to grow old just like her, holding no regrets, just memories dear to me, with the people I love and making the most while they are still here.

Walked along the beach already crowded with people trying to make the most of the little sun that escaped trough the cloudy sky. We made it next to Cassidy and shared a few smiles and a few chocolates snapping a few last shots to capture the beauty within that windy day, shared with people dear to me.

Left the beach with the promise to come back soon, to share more memories and even more smiles. It would have not been a complete day if not ended with a sunset. Watched it from home..our home..having tea with a soft whisper of a breeze promising  that summer will be here soon...

Pictures by Hotei ©