Warm like spring.

 Like an Autumn leaf,

my heart shivers with the wind,

it beats, warm like spring.

Picture by Hotei

Speak my mind...

If I think what to say about all of my stories my answer would be that I haven't got a clue really. All of this happened just slightly over a year ago I know, but it feels like my mind is trying to erase every last residue of memory left behind. If I try to remember what I felt all I can think and feel is a bitter-sweet feeling deep inside my chest. It kind of makes me smile now that is all passed...passed, yes... but not completely forgotten, how can one ever forget his emotions? they might not be very clear but you cant really remove them.

Many times I try to put the blame on him, but then again I know that "it takes two to tango". I let him do this to me only cause I let him do it to me. I feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit angry only for the lies that later came, for deceiving me, for breaking me and for playing a rough game with my mind. I believe that one persons heart can break many times but yet it finds ways to mend its self, but one persons mind is far more difficult to fix.

You know..it is even more painful when I think how much I have changed, how much pain I caused to the one that remained standing by my side all this time. The one that always loved me for what I was and for what I am. Must add she might have hid her feelings many times, many times I felt like I was taken for granted, that I would have always be there, and perhaps she never realised that some of her words could have been felt like a blunt dagger trying to find way trough my flesh. I have not helped the situation ether with my stubbornness nor with my attitude. But I never seized to love her, of that I am sure. I might have not sown it, but I always did.

I must admit that it was not easy to walk away, to find the courage to pick up all of the pieces and carry on. And I would have not done it if I did not receive help when needed, I was lucky to find someone to stop me when I was about to commit stupid actions. And for a man to admit he was wrong many times feels like the greatest challenge.

If you asked me how I feel now or if still have feelings for Guga the answer is easy. I do miss the person, the human in his crudity, but it feel stupid now to say. This was a chapter that it was meant to happen to help me understand more my self and how important the persons in my life are. I moved on but never forgotten the way I came, it was long... it was not easy, but it was needed as I believe all happens for a reason.

Slowly the wound left behind healed, yet the scar is still visible, but I proudly show it as I am now not afraid to show... to show my weakness, actually I feel almost brave and mature to share my story. It is never easy to speak my mind freely, it never is, as the smallest of my memories unleash bigger emotions now buried deep inside me...

Pictures by tumblr 

The horrible truth

"I think you are making a terrible mistake Hotei!"

 "Think about it, think about your life...your future"

 "Don't make choices you will regret later"

"This story never had a future from the very start"

"You should be where you belong, and you don't belong here"

His words resonated for hours in my head, after all of those sweet words, he turned cold he felt distant... now that I was so close to meet him... Now that all was making sense...now that I thought I knew...

He walked away never looking back, without saying a goodbye, a smile or maybe a sign. I am not sure or perhaps I can't remember if I missed him, it have been so long now, that the image of him is almost fading. The memory of those days staring at a suitcase are so far, I can barely recognise the person staring at a travelling bag ready to leave.

We have not known each other for long, this story was too short, the last chapter came too soon. But guess just long enough to feel the pain of separation. Left with words unsaid, leaving only a slight feeling of regret of things I wish I could have said. Many times I wonder if you ever wanted to tell me a last word, or even just a horrible cold goodbye.

Within the days that came, I just stared at the idle screen of my laptop. I was not sure if he would have ever came back, but I was now sure I wanted to be far away from the pain he caused.


For every action there is a an opposite reaction they say, there where times were I hated him, there were times where I missed him and there where times I just forgot him...forgot all the collection of new feelings he caused to happen.

The day I found myself ready to walk away was with the help of my close friend even though he was miles away. On that day I started writing a diary as a reminder of my mistakes, gains and pain this journey caused. So that I would look back and know how far I have grown and come. What I didn't know was that destiny had more ready for me....

Picture by tumblr 

Release the swans free

Forgiven -piano cover

Never thought things will change, never wished for things to change...

     Upon a star up in the heaven's  

 Shed tears and Wished like in a childhood dream 

 Past feelings, so deep, too deep I fear 

   Buried so deep,  One never thought still exist  

 Close to the end of this dying Day  

 Finally found the way out of the mists  

 Soon I'll make my way, away- yet near 

 I Have to endure, I have to  subsist  

 A lie based on truth, fake?  no! not you 

 If its a dream, I must Wake to resist 

 Faith weaved this dream with its finest treads  

 Love and hate, To give this short tale a twist 

  Search and Find, the girl I never kissed 

    Scard my core, tough for it I never sought 

    Deep in my mind, among dreams I sift 

 Lost it All, you and me,  not even fought 

 Was it just me, to leave and ignore? 

 Or was it meant to undo this love knot? 

 Who's to blame? Might even have no name 

  Too tightly laced, to happen Just by chance  

 The moon shines only where there is dark 

 This leaves me with much more then room for thought   

I'm afraid of A dream, we once shared 

 Just a Dream, reality... shall be not...   

On this long tedious journey walking the path of my past, found you lost and scared. With every passing day I watched you grow, fighting demons, fighting fear. You gave me strength to go on, when I was tired. When I grew to tired to fight my own demons that haunted me, perhaps the same that before controlled you.  

I must beg for forgiveness, I am not sure what we have done wrong to end up so distant so lost... when we were following the same path. We both shared the same dream, a dream that has turned to ashes.

I forgive you my dear, for the many times you doubted me, for the many times you fetched escape away from me. Remember, I always be here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. 

  

   In a prison made of broken dreams 

Dark was the water you choose to find rest 

Captive found yourself, must Break the chain  

The cold wind blew that night, no star shined bright 

Frozen by fear, with Chains at your feet 

Once you dreamed to be free, wings wide you spread 

No fear, your wings once more kissed the wind 

And you now know there was never a chain 

Nothing to hold you,  no walls to break 

This pond was your home, a prison you build 

Now you remembered, these wings can  Fly   

Slave no more, nothing to fear my black swan  

Far away, Away from here you chose to be... 

  

My dear I'll set you free, I let you be. I have no doubt that on this long path we will meet again. you might have set fire to every bridge while escaping your own self, giving the blame to me.

Now its time for me to go, as I write these last few lines I can remember every tear I shed. I can feel the raging heat on my skin while crossing these memories that long ago we set to flames...

Picture by tumblr 

Dedicated to the three persons that helped me become the man I am today...

A hasty decision (part 3)

If you set a rule to a child, like, "never open that drawer" what really happens is always the opposite, curiosity over comes and the child does anything but what you told him not to do...

                                                                          ~0~


Guga kept warning me to never fall for him, but I ignored all of his warnings, I simply could not control what I was feeling, and lets be honest, who can control his own feelings?. Sentiments cant be tamed or controlled and we can never choose for who or when we will fall, its just like an unwritten law.

I ignored every warning and sign, many times I thought about turning my back on him and simply walk away, just like nothing ever happened. But the image of him was stuck in my head and I could not get it out no matter what. The questions,  what should I do, why this happened and why him? was a constant in my head, it never left me not even when I was away with Cassidy. Then after a few weeks everything started not making any sense at all. Destiny, guess this time I am right when I call it destiny... followed me and tormented me without any mercy. Whatever I did and wherever I ran  the name Guga and the name Lisbon followed me, it was not just in my head, it was real, it was happening...

I could not find any option but to face this and I had to face him. Without any hesitation I thought of a way to end this once and for all. It would have been my make me or brake me decision. I could have lost everything I had and every one I loved, but I could not see any other way out.

Secretly subscribed with an online company to keep me posted with any vacancies for jobs of all sorts in Lisbon. I could not say a word of Portuguese not even to save my own life, but I could speak English, it could work I thought.  Searched for a place to stay and organised all of my accounts to have at least a few months without worrying about finances. Not after long I started browsing and sending my "Curriculum Vitae" to different companies in Lisbon, to my surprise just a few days later I received my first replies for a work.
There I thought more and more that this idea was a good choice. Found a place where to stay, and checked for flights, I wanted to be ready to leave any time.

My suitcase was packed and ready to go, just...was I ready to go? without a proper farewell to my love, and not even an explanation why this was happening.

And what would I do when I meet him?, if I meet him.... Would I recognise his face in the crowd?. His image was printed in my head, I would have, I thought.  But would he recognise me if he saw me? and what if he did, would that change anything?. And would I face my fears and talk to him if I did?. If I met him there... would he be different from the person I learned to know from miles away?.      

For days I stared at my suitcase, days in which I prayed that what I was about to do was the right choice.
I hoped for a sign, hope was all I had to hold onto. Leaving the world I knew, to step into the unknown void...

Pictures By google images