A warm place

 There were times where I could look with a honest heart  into your eyes...

Decided to talk my heart out to Cassidy, it was time to face my fears and my doubts. All I could do was to stare into her eyes, looking at my own reflection in her now teary eyes.
At the end of our discussion I was even more confused, I kissed Cassidy over and over, I made love to her. And there I was sure I loved her...but this was even more confusing to me...

There were times where I stumbled and fall...

Face my fears, living in this void will not be of any help, decided to come out clean with Guga and tell him all about what was going in my head... may be talking to him would have found an answer to some of my questions and clear some of my confusion...

"Never fall in love with me he said..." but it was just to late...to late to turn my back on this sentiment. It felt horrible in its beautiful reality.


There were times where I could look into your eyes and feel safe...

I led myself to an unstoppable deterioration, I doubted my self I doubted my love for Cassidy. I doubted everything and nothing. Only God knows how lost I felt, how much I prayed and wished to understand what was going on in my head. But as they say everything happens for a reason, and before I drove my self to insanity I opened my heart and mind to my new found friend Gwanni, he listened and understood my feelings, he asked no questions and showed me unconditional love in its true form. There I started to realise that what was going on in my head could be understandable and normal. Loving someone else while in a relationship it could happen, loving someone of my own sex it was possible and mostly... I was normal to feel confused, lost and afraid... at the end of this long dark tunnel I found a glowing warm place to rest, waiting with open arms for me to feel safe...a place I could call home or if I may dare to call it family.


There were times where it felt good to feel scared...

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The fall

I tried to give a name to the feelings inside my head but as much as I might have tried all was in vain, or perhaps I was scared to give it a name. I could try as I may but I could not get Guga out of my head, he followed me during the day, at night he ruled my thoughts making it hard to close my eyes. He taunted me in my dreams. He became my refuge, my escape, my strength.

For days I was lost in the meanders of my mind, to finally put an answer to my questions. With each passing day the more I wanted to know about this person, that now was well deep under my skin.

Love?, could it be possible...how? In my entire life I had never felt such a gravity towards my own sex, now.. all of a sudden it was happening. I must be honest, I hated my self, I tried to ignore this feeling but the more I tried the more I wanted of him. There I was... lost and confused.

Cassidy knew something was not right, but decided not to ask, I decided not to share, after all our relationship started deteriorating bit by bit, and I could have never found the guts to talk things out, this is not natural or real I thought. But it was real, as real as the air I breathe. Could not tell anyone about it, was afraid that no one would understand what was going on inside my head. After all I could not understand my own self and feelings, to that day I only imagined love between the opposite sex, love between the same sex was simply unthinkable!. Then slowly I started placing answers to my questions, Love could come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love could overcome distance, love could change one's beliefs.

Now I gave a name to the feeling that invaded my body and mind, but was it the same from the other side of the monitor?.

Guga seemed to be honest, I believed in him and in all that he said. He opened my eyes to look to the meaning of love in a totally different way I was used to... and I was ready to take every risk just to know he shared the same feeling I did...every risk...even at cost of loosing her...

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Sweet decadence

Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 

Can you fall for someone you've never met?

I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...

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A knight in rusted armour

Grim topic you have chosen my love, very grim indeed... if you think about it. Not quite suitable for the night I thought. But quite fascinating in its metaphoric meaning. Lately the subject raised more then just once, perhaps a sign?, or just pure coincidence. Or may be its just in my head,  many times I fear you discovered my long kept secret...

We die two times in our life, when we close our eyes for the last time and when our name is called for the last time.

Watching your vivid eyes shimmering to the flickering candle lights curious and exited peeking trough a golden mark made me see what made me fall for you. A constant fall in this bottomless pit of dreams sometimes warm and comforting, other times cold and dark.   

"Your my knight in shining armour"  you said, I smiled and fell in love all over again, just like I do every time I find the guts to look deeply into your eyes.

Even on the day were I was suppose to be away from it all, destiny followed me and guess something more then just destiny. Its funny and scary at the same time, "it" recognised me even if I hid behind my gilded mask. "Castille" it read, I smiled and set down quietly to the table, you leaned down gently and whispered the word "destiny". I am not sure what scared me more, to see that destiny followed me or to hear you utter such word upon discovering our placement. But if all this meant to fall more and more for you I am more then happy to feel such fear.

Isn't  it funny how we let the past alter our future, how a tiny event leave big repercussions upon our lives, the way we change our way of thinking the way we act.

I thought I would have to loose you along the way, but you stayed besides me, picking up the bits and pieces I left behind. Loving every single bit of me for what I am, for what I have to give.

I have to retain my self as a lucky person to encounter such a person along my way, you sacrificed you for me not giving a toss what others thought, you synchronised to my rhythm... slowed down when I did... forgetting the world out there never looking back.

A knight in shining armour you called me. I have long forgotten those words, almost I feel uncomfortable to hear them placed on the same sentence with my name. It have been a long time since I wore my armour to lead you out of the dark woods, way to much, to the point of forgetting the way out. At the very end I will have to face and fight my demons, wanting it or not.  

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Things I wish I never knew

Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.

I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  

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