Things I wish I never knew

Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.

I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  

Picture by tumbler 

A secret friendship?

Guga left me strangely addicted to him, for a reason I could not tell nor understand. I would go early in the morning and check the messages he left me the night before. I was sure he truly enjoyed my company and especially my friendship. (I still believe he did).

Our friendship continued out of hi5 and somehow we both managed to find time were both could talk live, not more by means of those long messages. One thing I found oddly strange while talking to him on MSN was that it felt like talking to a person I knew for a long time, a life time!, or perhaps because we had very similar tastes.

Mr Chef!! he'll tell me every single time just to mock me, always had a question ready about food or something related. And I was always ready to mock him about his cooking and his "Bimbi machine". Chucking raw food in a machine and wait for it to chop it and cooks it!. That's not real food! I used to say!. He hated it and I loved it! :)

This friendship was only started may be a month and a half before but it looked like it would have gone a very long way. He even considered a trip over here to be able to meet.

Strange the fact that I told no one about this friendship, perhaps was afraid that Cassidy would just start all over again about me being too naive and too trusty. Thing is I did not see anything wrong in it actually I found it to be quite a fascinating friendship.

One thing I did not know for sure, was if I was doing the right thing not to tell anyone about it, then again what bad it can bring, or be to have a secret friend?. After all my friends I had over here all abandoned me cause I became cold and distant.  

Picture google images 

My friend...

For days or I must say weeks I kept contact with my new friend Guga. He unblocked his profile, that meant he now trusted me (or perhaps it was just normal procedure). I was fascinated by the staggering amount of countries Guga visited!, I could count at least 20 countries visited in the past years!. I could not have a proper conversation with him so I could not ask directly about his travels and if by any chance he ever  visited my country. We left comments or messages, more essays then messages, we left these long messages saying mostly about our countries. I asked for no more to be honest, it was a way to kill time in the morning, just that,  all the rest was a bonus, get to know Guga and his background was just an additional bonus.

I learnt a lot about him and his native country. All I could say about Portugal prior our encounter was pinpoint it on a map and of-course I knew about food facts but not much more, when he said he was from Lisbon all I could remember was the "Lisbon treaty" pretty embarrassing to say.

After a few weeks or so, on a morning Guga and me had a proper conversation, it was  fun and interesting, for an hour or two we talked non stop. He asked me to add him on MSN messenger but I refused, for two reasons really, first I had no MSN messenger and secondly I remembered Cassidy's saying about not to trust much!. So it was, he respected my answer and the subject was never brought up again. On that day he explained me about his job and why he was able to travel so much. I would have loved to live a life like his, full of travels, it was always a dream I had, just I always needed to have a place to call home at the end of the day. He seemed not to mind it, he looked so happy in his pictures and one of the things I remember telling him that day was to never stop smiling!.

About a month or so from the day we became friends I decided to remove my account. I received way to many messages that made me feel uncomfortable and found to be almost offensive from many other perverted users.  There I found my friend Gwanni and made this adventure more worth keeping even if it was for a wee bit longer and so it happened.

Then, the more I got to know Guga the more I found it hard to just leave, after all he was so nice and polite to me. It is there where I thought of signing up on MSN and have an account to add Guga and be able to keep his friendship.

It was just by a hit of luck that I added a new friend on the day I was suppose to remove my account. As I did not know what I was going against, or perhaps I knew, I just ignored all of the warnings...

    

Picture by google images

Two awards one blog.

Once again I must thank my dear friend and faithful reader Gwanni from the blog "Virgulas do destino" for nominating me for not one! but two awards!. I take this opportunity to thank you all my dear listeners of whispers. For visiting regularly and support this corner, from my heart I must say that I appreciate it a lot. Hope I be able to get on track with my reading list again, days have been hectic lately. 

This is the first badge I have been awarded ....  

       ...the nominated blogs will be awarded this badge as a sign of gratitude. 


For the first badge I have been asked these 11 questions, which I will be passing on to you. 

The questions we have to answer are:

* If you could go back, what would you change in your life?

 I think if I would go back I would not change a thing,
 for the simple reason I would not be the person I am today. 

* If the world ended tomorrow, what would you do?

Keep calm and continue living the last moments probably with people I love. 

* You prefer the Field (countryside)  or the City?

Both have a certain charm I guess but as I live in a small village I think I love more the countryside most. 

* Tennis or high heels?

LOL ok I can't even remotely imagine myself in heals! I already mop the floor in my pumps!.  

* What is the most embarrassing moment you spent and why?

I guess one of the worst was telling my "in-laws" a stupid joke about how could anyone have such horrible taste and choose a blue bathroom set...moment later you ask to use the loo and guess what? they had a blue bathroom....(no wonder they did not laugh!!!).  

* Someone owes you an apology?

Half the people I know...the other half I own them one. 

* When you travel, what is one item you can't miss?

Toothbrush!.


* What is your favourite perfume?

Easy..."Echo" .

* What do you think before you go to sleep?

Did I set my alarm?...have I locked my car?...have I switched of the bathroom  lights?.

* What is your city of choice Portuguese?

No idea never been to Portugal!.

* What subjects do you like to read more in the blogosphere?

Personal.

___________________________________________________________________

To compliment this nomination I was nominated for my 3rd Liebster blog award!. 

Here are some rules I yet again found on the omnipotent google!. 

I'll try to stick as much as possible to the rules!. 

Here are the questions proposed to me. 

What is the origin of the name of your blog?. 

Well this is kind of easy, while thinking what I should have named my blog (it should have been diary of a grown up or something like that!) I received a call from Cassidy, now my ringtone was the song "The last song I'm wasting on you" and one of the first lines is "Any more then a whisper" and I thought this will perfectly fit!. 

Your blog is a part of you, do people know about it or do you keep it as a secret?.

Its a secret! only one friend knows about it!. (That's you Tory!!)

What is your favorite place to think?.

My bedroom or by the sea...

What is your biggest dream?.

Making my dreams come true! ;) 

Have you done something crazy for love?.

Yes! and most were related to food!. Like sneaking chocolate truffles in hospital! drive for 3 hours to buy a spring-roll ect...ect...

Do you collect something?.

Yes! perfumes!, and antiques!.

Still treasure an object from your childhood?. 

Yes! a hand puppet of a bear, and a t-shirt gifted to me from my aunt that died a few days later she gave it to me... 

If you could get a story in which Barrier?. 

Hope I got this right, I cant quite picture it. Personal I guess...

Romeo & Juliet or Titanic?.

Definitely  Romeo & Juliet!. 

What is the earliest memory you remember?.

Age 2 playing in the sand on the beach with a black plastic speedboat with a yellow driver!. 

Do you have a strange habit or do something that you think you are the only person to do it?. 

Not sure...but lately got this bad habit of touching my beard with my tongue!  quite disgusting if you think about it, but quite a comforting feeling!!. 

Now one must tell 11 things about him\her self.

1. I most of the times write my real name instead of Hotei. 
2. I'm a hygiene freak. 
3. I learned to speak Italian before my own mother language!.
4. I can actually sing without braking your drums....but must be a bit tipsy to do so!. 
5. I am incapable of lying. Or if I do I get caught. 
6. Still have my beard from my last  Liebster award!.
7. I'm a coffee lover. 
8. I'm an awful dancer. 
9. I have a forged permit! Shhhh! don't tell ;)
10. I couldn't care less about "eurovision".
11. I get inspired when I wear my red woolly socks!....True!... seriously!.

Now my questions!. 

1. First thing that comes to your head when you hear the word chocolate!. 
2. Most happy moment in your life?
3. Do you play a musical instrument? if yes what is it? if no, would you like to learn one?.
4. A picture you treasure!.
5. What motivates you?.
6. Continue the sentence. If I was a _________I would________ .
7.  What makes you write?.
8. Why have you started your blog?.
9. One thing you hate about you?.
10. You are addicted to?.
11. What would be the last words you'll say if you were under the guillotine?.

And the nominees are...   

(Sorry won't nominate 11 not reading much lately!)

These are the 3 blogs I visited lately. 

K                               Panic on board

Arrakis            Melange'

 ? ;)                              One Big Mistake and some...

I congratulate the nominees for the good work on their respective blogs.

Pictures google images 

  

You have a friend request.

Rainy day again.... as always on that harsh winter, one of the worst I can remember that hit the island in years. Not able to get out in the morning, logged in as usual on my new hi5 account. Had 10's of requests as always, all as usual, not quite...

Ignored most and added just a few as always. While browsing the new "friends" profiles and replying to some of the messages, a picture caught my attention, at first thought it was one of mine and thought "what is this picture doing on a strangers profile?!" then realised many where similar to mine four pictures where identical!, or almost, the angle changed by a little. Curious I decided to comment on one of them and left a simple message saying "we might have crossed our way without realising :) ". 

The day after logged in early in the morning as I wanted to see if I had received a comment or a reply back, but nothing, no luck. Still curious and bored to death, continued to browse trough pictures on the strangers profile, I could not get much information as most was blocked, all I could see were pictures. Then a few minutes later received a message saying "indeed, loved it in there!". I replied with just an emoticon ( :) ) not quite sure what to say and not quite knowing why I did comment in the first place and actually felt a wee stupid for doing so. Received yet an other message and then an other, asking me when I did take take the pictures and where I was from. I replied without hesitation and asked back the same questions. Portugal! he said (and yet again for privacy sake I'll be calling him Guga) .

Incredible! we been in London on the same dates visited places on the same day and yet we had to meet again a week after online!. 

This person (Guga) had a certain charisma, he was fun in his own way and very educated. He was not vulgar, but out of the ordinary polite... too nice to be real, not like the many others out there. 

Said goodbye after a few minutes, I logged out a little puzzled not quite sure what it have been said. It felt weird or perhaps a little awkward more then weird. Yet I left with a smirk on my face, like the one a kid has when discovering something new and he is ready to shout it to the world. Picked up Cassidy from work and told her about the pictures, she just said to me "you are too naive sometimes Hotei its just a coincidence and you must not trust strangers, you are old enough to know that". She left me with that and I never brought up the subject ever again....ever since.  

I many times wish I have listened to her....but I did not. Went my way and never shared what happened to me from that day onwards..not yet at least...  

picture by google images