In love again.

For so many years I locked my self and neglected my own self and most of all I ignored my loved one. Now it was the ideal time to make something and revert all this and make up for the time lost.

The only logical ting was to spend as much time as possible with each other, after all for years we left many things unsaid and left our relationship deteriorate slowly, without doing anything about it. Perhaps I have to blame my own self for this, she always gave me all of herself and all that she had, now it was time to give her something back.

Slowly we started coming closer again, it kind of felt like a new feeling discovering it for the first time... 

At the end of summer left for a small retreat just the two of us our destination was London. I can remember it very clearly, I was so trilled only left the island 5 years before, I have....we have changed so much during these years I felt like rediscovering my own self. It have been a very long time since we had time to be close and alone. Making love the first night felt different, I was different, she was different I felt  like a stranger in my own skin. Perhaps I needed more time to come out of this, it was a slow recovery and the most ting I hated about it was that it was not allowing me to see her feelings clearly, I could not feel the warmth I was used to, she felt somehow distant.

I watched her sleep that night, I could not sleep, my mind was crowded with thoughts. I had it all I thought, I now let it all go. I felt ashamed of my own self, she deserved better I thought. That night we were on the same bed but yet felt distant...there I promised that I will give her more of myself.

Each day that passed we found more and more of what made this flame start, making love now became more of what I used to know, no longer I felt ashamed of laying beside her in her sleep. It felt safe to hold hands again nothing could harm us or break us apart.

Just like every journey it had to come to an end, mine was no difference. Came back home brand new, overflowing with emotions, one of the best feelings I ever felt in my entire life. We were in love again, just like the first time.

 As we found each other again and our long lost feelings, destiny had something lurking for us that would make our world crumble and fall, just like a very sick joke played softly like a lullaby by a stronger and bigger force something that only time had power over it... 

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Colour in a dull world.

As days passed  I started working at the new place, trying to leave the past behind. It was a totally different scenario, more calm more friendly and inviting, I was almost intimidated by the situation, it was almost surreal.  I could not understand how there could be such a big difference between the old post and this one. I asked many times myself how I could have done this to me, how I let my self be blinded by a little money. For years I knew nothing but work, I had become dull.

Many times drove my way to work early, and took my time strolling around the city watching the crowd going at its pace. Staying at home was not going to do me any good, locking my self up wont help me, so (I thought)  why not have a walk, and have a coffee. I might be having it alone but at least I'm out and I could see new places and new faces. That alone was enough. Started rediscovering my passions, time over time I silently watched the tourist wondering about capturing every corner, stone, door and window. Colour! and little noises,  a carriage drawn by a horse making its way trough the crowd in an almost eerie silence only broken by footsteps on the cobblestones.  

Walking in the silent streets of the city leading to the new place made me think... I started noticing a world full of colours, shapes and sweet soft sounds. I loved it! it felt good! too good to be true, but it was true I was now living. 

Long time ago a very good friend of mine gave me a small gift, a "photo camera" I started to capture what my eyes saw and thought it was worth to be frozen forever. My morning stopped to be dull and empty, now this time was worth living, I felt passionate about this new hobby. Discovered the beauty of the early morning...the mist, no longer I cursed it for stopping me from driving early in the morning, now I was fetching for more and more scenarios. Inspiration was not to far, it was all along around me, tourist came to capture and savour a little of what my country can give, it was now time for me to give a little back to them.

The old company started paying me what was due to me, and with this little extra I could plan a small gift for Cas and me. She was delighted!, it was a surprise to her after so many years. Now we could spend real quality time together, we could restart living and rediscover each other just like in the past.

Picture by tumblr 

  

Light...

On the day of my exit I did not look back, I felt this proud feeling about my self deep inside me. It felt like the best thing I could do for my self and the people who are around me and love me. Now I could take back my life, now I could sail back this boat to shore after the long tedious journey.

But no matter how much I have tried, no matter what I did I felt still overwhelmed by this anger deep inside me. I still hated the people ho tried to make my life miserable, and the more I thought about it the more it grown. I could not take it, I have never harmed anyone for personal gain, but there I was, a victim of their greed and selfishness, I was weak so that was my punishment, I deserved to feel miserable.  

At home it was not any different, I preferred to be alone I needed the time to be alone. Time...now I had time, time to think more to the point of nausea. Have this thick skin I'v grown suffocated the man trapped inside it?.  It took me days to realise I was out of the tunnel, I looked and searched for the life I have left unlived 5 years before. But I could not find it, all the friends I had left were all gone, no one was left to wait for me, and contacting them was not going to help, they surely must have forgotten about me, why would they remember?. They left me behind them as they continued living their lives or was I to leave them as I never replied to them, or I was simply to busy with my work building a future ignoring my past, leaving alone what I had to leap in the dark and maybe make a future out of it. All alone again I was in no different position  from the work I have just left. Would my act be waisted in vain?.

Then found help, a help that was always near me but I was to blinded to see. I was cold and I was many times bitter to her, I have left questions of hers un-answered. Many times I just started an argument to be able to escape and be alone again and safe in my dark corner, safe from the light of this new world, this new life I have now started living. Only God knows how many times I made her cry with my cold attitude, but she instead of turning her back on me...she smiled and showed me that she still cared for me, that there was something still worth to live for, and most of all that we still shared the same dream that we once started dreaming a while back.

By the time I have opened my eyes, she started loosing hope, effected by my selfishness and stubbornness. Or maybe realising that I was now waking up from this long, deep nightmare I trapped myself in, decided to make me have a taste of my own bitter behaviour. And how I can blame her for that?. She slapped me back to me asking nothing in return, only to be treated like a human being with feelings should be treated, not just indifference and neglect.

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Once upon a chapel's step

"Wait!... stop there" Cassidy told me, holding my hand and calling our stroll in the city to a halt.
 Looked back at her and asked her what was the matter.
"Walk... go a little further, she said smiling".
I walked a couple of passes and looked back at her again .."what? what is it?" I asked her.
 "Nothing silly...you have grown a beard! she said laughing".
 "And now you notice?" I replied smiling.
She laughed and walked next to me "meant, you have grown quite a lot since last time we walked down these stairs".
"Right!" I said.....


Took out my trusted camera and snapped a picture of the "scenario" as a reminder...

Time really flies, almost 9 years ago I exchanged one of my very first kiss with Cassidy on the doorsteps of this chapel...

On the door step of this chapel, followed my dream's.

On these steps I wished for something real.

Then set fire to the dream's I so longed for. 

Now  here I am backtracking what I lost.

On these steps I dreamt a life, a happy life. 

Looking back at the past 9 years I notice how much we both have changed, how much we have grown. Perhaps our feelings changed too. Its different when you see life from the eyes of a young man, growing up you start realising that life can be no fairytale. There is much that can lead a relation to crumble. 

"Want to do what we left undone 9 years ago?" Cassidy asked me smiling. 

"And what we have left undone?" I smiled back.

                                                               And then we kissed...

Today I look back and can see the path I have chosen, I can see it but I cant take the same path back. I have so much to hold onto, I have made so many mistakes, I have lost direction many times, but guess that makes me only human. I have come so far, we have learnt so much from each other on this adventure called life... 

  

  

Picture by Hotei

The beginning of the end

When a bird is alive it eats ants and when a bird is dead, ants eat the bird, time and circumstances can change at any time. Don’t devalue or hurt anyone in your life. You may be powerful today but remember that time is more powerful then you. One tree makes a million match sticks but only one match stick is needed to burn down a million trees. 

So be good and do good. 

The End... 

What a relief!, I was now free (or almost free!) gave 11 years of service to the company, I had no extra days off in 5 years!, except when Cassidy was in hospital.
I was called by the directors and the management for a meeting, they offered me more money, but I refused them on the spot. All I wanted was to get out of there, I worked far too long and under the worst circumstances, more then anyone could take!.

By law had to work a notice period, and to my disbelief I had to suck it in for an other 3 months!. It was either that way or pay 3 months of notice!. I was happy to pay a 3 months notice to the company...but then I thought (why?). I sweated my ass off for so many years, I gave all that I had, sacrificed so much!. I proposed a deal. And to my more disbelieve they accepted!. They freeking accepted!!!. My proposal was, that I work for 3 months, but only a 40 hour!, they can forget the 60 hour a week!, and I wanted my leave balance to be paid! I never took any leave in 5 years   that meant I had over a year of balance left!.

And so it was, I many times regretted the fact I made such a proposal, and many times I wanted to kick my own self, but then I used to tell my self, (you stood for so many years, what 3 months mean now? and besides I'm working only 40 hours a week).

The others... what happened to them?...

Joe, remained at the hotel, after my resignation promoted to sous chef. He moved living in with Ta Chan. 

Ta Chan, Left the hotel after a few months I left, her and Jo living together . who knows perhaps wedding bells are in the air?.  

Jessica, resigned after 6 months I did, now working more happy and less stressed and perhaps she have more time to spend with her family....and especially her son. 

Tassu, left the country and went working in the UK, he is now father of two beautiful children. 

Rose, left the island for a holiday in Germany, now married to a German man, last I heard from her said she will make a come back soon. 

Tomo Chan, resigned from the hotel the same week I did, now happily working in a small restaurant, last time I saw her she was enjoying her meal in the restaurant I am working in, her son enjoyed the kitchen tour I gave him and loved sending the orders out!. 

Rosanna, happily married in Switzerland now a proud mother of 3 kids. 

Chef Kazu, back in Japan opened his 3rd sushi restaurant in Hiroshima!. Proud dad of daughter Luna.    

Taka, back to Japan,  happy married father of two kids. 

Vince, Not happily married, the new position got into him now the director of a major 5* hotel. 

SiSi, still working at the hotel, just had her daughter wedding last summer. 

Clint, took over my position for a month then left the hotel to work in a new opened restaurant, bribed some of the staff to join him. He was fired a week after the opening of the restaurant  unable to find job on the island due to his reputation he now seeks fortune in the UK.  

Chef, still working at the hotel, received a message if I wanted to go back....my answer? FUCK YOU !! :) 

Nigel, never heard from him since...

Therese, separated from her husband, found love on the island, fighting for custody of her children, last time I had a chat with her she said she was missing her children quite badly and was dying to go back to the Philippines!.




From this moment onwards my story will change dramatically, the long introduction was necessary for you to understand me and get a picture of my personality. Also I wanted to write it all down as a reminder, for me to be able to look back and see how long I have come.

It was an ode to love, my love for Cassidy, an apology to her for turning to such a jerk many times. I may not have mentioned it much but I love her, I do...and despite what happened I was always loyal to her and I'm sure she was to me. I may have "betrayed" her trust in a way many times, I may have many times walked away from her, but I loved her ...I was always true. True with her true with me true with you!. Even if many times I was silent and distant, the flame that started 9 years ago still burns.

To those that I have addressed many posts, I want to let you know that my feelings never changed, what I said I still believe, and you will always be a vital part in my life. The feelings I felt will always be imprinted in my heart, mind and soul.  Wish many times we had not said goodbye, as I miss you much. And this silence pains me a lot. Perhaps one day you will understand my feelings, that I carried and still carry.

And here I call the end of my long bumpy journey. I shared the ups and downs of my life with you my friends. This is the end of the first chapter, and the beginning of a new one.  

Pictures by google images and tumblr