Just a quick share...

I cannot believe its almost Christmas, time really fly!.  Yesterday I sent my entry in a short story contest on a blog suggested by my friend Gwanni. I thought it was ok to share this tiny episode of my life, and want to be honest with you, I felt pretty nostalgic while writing it. Thought I was ready to share, thought I had gone past the emotions... guess not...

Will not share the story on my blog...not yet at least...I feel like its not the time yet..and for those who know me,  guess you'll get a glimpse of what I mean here....

Seems  like yesterday that I have started writing, had a schedule to follow but guess you can never have a scheduled when it comes to write  your emotions down.

"Dear all, one more thing....keep in mind in your prayers a friend of mine that in this times needs strength to go on....I'm not a believer but I will pray anyway...may your thoughts and mine be with her and help her go trough this....".

Picture tumblr

Her smile still lingers

"Back from my two day retreat, have to admit I definitely needed two days away from it all!. No phone no Internet and no TV .. nothing at all !!. Weather had no mercy on us, as it was really cold and windy, plus we had constant showers of rain and hale!. But all considered it was fun and had time to think and most important rest!"

I laid in bed early the first night, perhaps it was the long day and the couple of glasses of port wine that made me feel heady. Was waken up by a loud sound of thunder early in the morning maybe a little past midnight, stood up and walked to the balcony to look outside in the darkness. Looked down but could barely see a thing... to dark!. Darkness only broken by the blinding flashes in the distance right over the sea, a storm was heading our way, but I felt pretty safe and warm in my room. Pulled the curtains closed shut and went back to bed and tucked myself very well under the covers. It took a few minutes for my eyes to get used to the dark, but then shadows and reflections started to re-emerge slowly again. Stared at the ceiling  listening to the silence of the night disturbed only by the sound of the howling wind and the sound of the rain. 

  I thought and wondered as I could not help it, all of the happenings that happened  these past months, how much I have been trough.

 I looked to my left and watched her sleep with a smile on her face, turned facing her and closed my eyes to hear her breath. Reached for her hand and held it in mine, somehow she seemed to know I was holding her hand and moved closer to me resting her head on my pillow, close enough to be able to feel her warm breath on my shoulder. I could not look away from the sight of her deep in her sleep, I wondered what she was dreaming about, what made that smile appear on her face?. Kissed her on her forehead, the more I looked to her in her sleep the more I wondered... suddenly felt an urge to write! I wanted to get it of my chest...but my lap was back at home, so I tried to release my mind from these thoughts...

Guess I somehow felt asleep and woke up a few hours later at around 3 AM, She was holding me from my waist with her both arms, tried to turn to face her but I was afraid to wake her up, so I stood still. Again, thoughts and feelings started to come back to me, I wondered if it was right to hide it all from her. Months ago I was ready to tell her everything but then, I thought better not, as the world and life we are used to will have to change, perhaps in an unrepairable way. But who am I to make such a choice? Who am I to alter this?. 

"A year ago I wanted to have a world of my own...now I want you part of this world...but I'm afraid to show who I have become...so sleep well my dear keep that smile on your face....keep dreaming the sweet dream your dreaming...".

It will always be me, no matter what name or face I hide behind...I am just looking at the world from a different perspective. Now...I'm actually listening...listening and listening  to the sound of silence that is still.  

picture by tumblr

Just Like A Pill...

Weather is dull and by 5pm the sun hits the horizon...its the only reason why I don't like winter, for the rest I love it! I love the cold and I love the rain (and not to mention that while driving to work I just adore to look at the sunset! the sunset in winter over here is something to take your breath away!!). The temperature dropped by a a lot the past couple of days, its funny just 2 weeks ago people where still swimming at a lovely 25(deg) and now we are wearing our winter jackets!. But this is not what I want to talk about...    
This morning had an early start again , this week have been hectic!, lot was going on and I struggled to get most of the stuff out of the way!. Plus a little bad luck striked again this week, had  a car accident luckily not much harm was done, my foot pooped again so I'm walking with a limp yet again....and GRRRRR!! not to mention work!! and Mr Crabs and his damn NUTS!!!. 

Breath in breath out....
Had no time for myself this week, but today...had to drop my car for a service so I adventured myself in the "cold" ...13(deg) yeah for me... that is cold! well ended up with no car for a few hours so here I am grabbing a cup of piping hot tea wearing my red woolly socks sharing some thoughts before continuing my bag packing.

 I was not looking forward for this 2 day retreat, but now, after all the shit that happened this week I gladly will escape for 2 days! I'm just hoping that the sea is not rough as I like my ferry trips to be quite smooth!. Hopefully will have some rest even though I plan early escapes to catch the sunrise in the amazing setting that our neighbour  island is proudly known for, and hopefully be able to snap a few pictures too!.

 To be honest with you...these past days I had some stuff going on my mind...a few days ago hummm Sunday to be precise, I had yet an other invitation, I promptly said "No!" and made a big effort to end up the conversation as quickly as possible!. But at the back of my mind I just can't get the thought out of my head. And when I do,  something comes up and remind me of it, perhaps I'm a little paranoid, may be I am yes a little. 
Since then I tried to avoid... although my mind is set on an automatic reply that promptly comes out before I even think  or had the time to process what the question was. Although I say No...I still feel, and I still hope that someday even if for one day, we'll meet...

                                                                                                                            picture Lisboa

"Its funny when you are distant from something or someone, 

the more you need it, the more you want it..."

                                                                

                                                                  -------------O--------------

Yesterday finished work quite late as it was pretty busy again and since Mr Crabs still have found no replacement for the position,  we are still just 2 working in the bloody kitchen! (sorry  for my moment of rage relief).  

 I have this feeling inside me, somehow feels like a little sadness, or perhaps a nostalgic feeling of a few months ago... that makes me stop, and many times smile, especially when hearing a song while at work...and I say my now famous quote at work "will the sun rise today on the other side of the world?!". Yesterday I saw a ray of light, so it might rise, even if for a day..I be happy to see a familiar smile one of these days. 

                                Was browsing in my G-mail and found this :)

                                                                                   Taken April this year...

                                   after a long night chatting till the sun was rising...

                                                           then left to take this picture.... 

"some how it feels colder without your smile..."

            

Shadows fading away

Sadly the blog diary of my shadows came to an end, for a few reasons that I don't really agree with, but that is the choice of the owner. After stating my point in a very hot argument with Gwanni about the termination of his diary last night, I was posed this question "What if you had to terminate your blog?"

 One day or an other my blog have to come to an end...hope not as abrupt as the last time, but that was a different matter. The blog originally was taking a direction that would have put poor "Christian Grey" face to shame! as I done things far more daring then the stuff mentioned in the now famous "50 shades of Grey!!", and must add that me and Mr Christian Grey  share quite a lot in common! perhaps not the look or the money lol. But now will not share most of the stuff happened as I think some things have to remain un-told, for a bit of mystery..you know! :)

Well... to be honest I never thought that my blog would have gone this far...as it was created to share and show the importance of dialogue, and to be honest with your loved one, and to always be honest at least with yourself. I say this and then I look to my self and I say that I am still learning day after day with you.  Was meant to write the happenings of the last years, were all started, and the change I faced from a naive and innocent boy to a cold distant man ...

I was on the edge and kept all inside me until one day... had to share it with some one, so I found poor Tory and emptied what I have been doing and a bottle of Amaretto too lol. What a headache and what a hangover I had to face the morning after!! Must say that my dear friend Tory was pretty shocked at the news, "Never would have though....never would have thought" that was her reaction. And never would I have thought that I would do such stuff if I really want to come clean....

Now I keep on writing and writing, many a times I don't follow a pattern as more stuff keep on happening in my life and my shadows many times haunt me, but I made up my mind now, I will ignore!. When it comes to Cassidy...well not sure if I will ever tell her about this diary, even-though she knows me inside out and she knows a good 80% of what is written down in this diary, she will never understand the end bit of my diary, and I must say nor do I!!.

Hope I made my self more clear, and if I did not well... you can always ask lool... you might be surprised by the answer if you'll get one in the first place :P

"I would like to give a salute to my friend Gwanni and wish him all the best hopefully we will hear again soon from him, may be he will come back stronger then ever!!"

Goodbye Diary Of My Shadows...

 

pictures provided by google images 

Share a dream with a green dinosaur!

I would like to thank Andre' from the blog Dream Dinosaur Project for posting and amazingly picture the scene!. 

Been following for the past 3 weeks this very unusual blog that talks about dreams, and since I get a few weird dreams,  I love to know that I'm not the only one lolol. 

This dream happened to me a few months ago for a few nights I dreamt and dreamt the same dream 

and many a times I felt bad when I woke up...especially when in the next days 

you discover some facts were true in the real life...

guess Mr Sand man plays some nasty tricks at times!.

Here is the dream.....My Dream.....

 It all started when I ventured myself into a parking lot, lost. I did not know the area and did not recognize the buildings! The buildings were painted yellow and white. In this parking lot I noticed a guy (I know him) rummaging in clothes in a small car "a (W) beetle" until a friend of him ...he called her "Anna", called him. - I later discovered his best friend in the real world was named Anna, pretty freaky shit, huh?! -.

Well, she told him to come and not to talk to strangers -meaning "Me"- (Bitch!!!). I wandered for a long time and found myself in an old area full of old houses and a chapel where people where gathering wearing black. There I found my friend again, but the more I approached him, the more he went towards the crowd until disappearing into it, just giving me the chance to grab his arm. He looked at me and said "Just leave...NOW" ...I ran away in despair (Drama Queen!).

Found myself in a known area...in the old capital where I work...wandered in the empty roads and found myself looking down to the city from over the bastions...the view was not the one I was used to ...I was looking to a big city a city I did not know...as if the old capital had been moved to a different location...all of a sudden a small, fat, ginger, blue-eyed kitten came to me from the edge of the bastion walls. I picked the little creature and felt somehow safe...this kitten told me to take him home...and so I did. I got into my car and drove and drove for ages but the buildings were constantly changing and I could not recognize many of them... I finally made it home,  to an empty home where time seemed to have stopped....it was cold and started to get dark ....the cat said to me: "I'm finally home".

Special thanks to Andre' for the post and this amazing hand drawn picture!