The Wheel Of Destiny (part 3)

Feeling helpless is one of the worst feeling...

 its like being trapped in a glass dome made out of very thick glass ...

were you can see what is going around you, but you can barely  hear what was being said and as much as I screamed and knocked on the glass no one could hear my screams...
no one...

Strangely some how found myself in the hospital's chapel, set on one of the benches staring into the air. I was never a believer but all I remember is that I prayed...to something stronger then me. I wanted to believe something up there could undone what was unfolding before my eyes..perhaps wake me from this nightmare I was living.

"Can I sit next to you?" I heard coming from behind me.."yes....yes sure" It was Cassidy's mother she sat next to me and said "Did you seek medical advice before taking those tablets?", "Yes!! sure we did...." 
Then she looked away and said " you know? for a mother is the worst feeling to see her own children in pain ...and to see them fighting for there own life". Looked at me and smiled "Come now son....lets get back to her".

What is done is done, can't keep on crying for what is happening..must be strong and able to face this...if it was my fault I could only try and make a little better and try to mend some of the harm I'v done...

Back to the room Cassidy was being visited by a doctor and a nurse she was being told how to use  a weird looking machine that was suppose to inject her with a blood thinning "agent"...she looked at me while I approached  her bed and reached for my hand...squeezing it tight. Ho how I wish I could turn back time and avoid to see all this...

Now I had completely lost track of time, looked for my phone and saw a few 10's of missed calls from work it was close to noon by then I had to be at work 4 hours earlier!. Called back and explained the situation but had to leave for lunch that very minute as in 20 minutes lunch was due!.

For the coming days my break time would have been a trip to the hospital and when my leave started (as we where suppose to leave for Japan a week later...and obviously had to drop the flight and forget about our dream holiday) now all seamed to be distant...we passed the vacation time in hospital trying to stabilize Cassidy's blood....finally managed after the 3rd week ...and she could come back home but for the next 6 months had to drive her back to hospital twice a day to test her blood and later when results where out to take the medication needed....

I can't explain the feeling that I had deep inside me...it was a constant fight...felt like swimming against the current...She never blamed me for it, but I still to this day think it was my fault...she could have lived a better life if I did not insist....a better life...better health....for my past actions we still suffer consequences to this very day....

"But sweet ....ho sweet creature she is ....we fought and stood to all the odds,

 we kept on holding strong to the thin tread we were hanging upon....

our bond proved to be stronger then we thought, and stronger 

it was more then we could ever imagine..."

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The Wheel Of Destiny (part 2)

Waiting in the lobby felt like forever, I don't know what thought did not pass trough my head. Now I had a splitting headache, and constantly looking at the clock did not help it go away...felt like hours of waiting  before we heard Cassidy's name being called out....and as soon as I heard the call my knees turned to jelly, but I had to look strong...it cant be anything to bad...this happened in a span of just a few hours and it was just a bit of numbness in a leg....and she always said it was "nothing"..

Stretched out my hand to Cassidy to help her stand up ...but she could not!, looked at her foot...it was swollen in an indescribable way it almost doubled in size and that happened just while we where waiting in the lobby!. Rushed to get her a wheelchair and in we went....first stop was at the X-ray room then a visit to the doctor on duty. The doctor was a young doctor, I imagine from the northern part of Europe,  short and very young looking and to be honest I could not understand his accent at all!!. To my fear he could not give a definitive diagnose, so he suggested some tests.

While waiting for the  tests to start Cassidy started complaining that her jeans were feeling now too tight!. Found a nurse and asked for a pair of scissors, ripped her left jean bottom open to give her leg more room, her leg now was looking a deep purple colour ...I have never seen anything like it before.

Luckily back then I worked in a very well known restaurant and we had many "top notch" customers!. A professor passing by recognised us and saw the now deep blue coloured leg, asked us what was the matter....he stood still for a few seconds then gave his clipboard to the young doctor and said he was taking the case in his hands...he went over Cassidy and started to drive her wheelchair down the winding corridors.....

I now realised that it was not "nothing".....went in a small room with a sort of ultrasound machines sort of (not very keen on these kind of things).

"Did you take any medications lately?" he asked "No...no..not that I remember.." Cass replied . A nurse came in and took a few blood samples interrupting us...."See" he said "you have a major block in some of the blood vessels, this is not something it just happens....but with the blood tests we will know what is the cause of this!" 

"A block?" her mum shouted!!

"yes...you see, the blood is flowing in but it is not going out the leg..this is very serious as it may cause internal bleeding...harming not just the leg but also vital organs as the heart, lungs and brain!" 

This resonated in my head over and over...

felt like the whole world was collapsing and for a few minutes I felt lost, confused, felt that I was in a world of my own ...

I could see the doctors  lips moving but I could not hear the words coming out of them...it was like the world was gone on mute.... 

Doctor went out and we kept all silent while staring at the floor...Cassidy reached for my hand and squeezed my now sweaty hand tight. Looked at her, deep in her eyes... felt tears coming out of my eyes...but I must be strong....she must not see. The doctor came back again with a machine and plugged Cassidy to it, then he said she will be shown to a room as she had to stay there for more observation and tests.

Blood test came out as soon as we were led to the room ...her blood reacted to the contraception pills and made the blood clog...if not treated immediately her heart cold be harmed and there was a high chance that her lung could get damaged...

Went out of the  room...

felt my breath heavy, my eyes burned as I wanted to cry so badly...No this was all my fault I wanted her to take those pills...

if something happens to her, it will all be my fault. 

I will never forgive my self ...no I wont! .....the feeling of helplessness I felt was somewhat indescribable now too, as my fingers hit the keyboard goose bumps cover my arms ....I have only my self to blame for this.... 

only me....

Helpless to the unfolding events, I ran out of the ward in a hurry not knowing where I was headed to....

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The Wheel Of Destiny

There are certain moments in our life that time seams to stop, it doesn't go forward or backwards, it just stops. 
Moments that remain imprinted in our minds, never to be forgotten . 
These moments could be happy a moment that leave a mark on the monument of our heart, 
or they could be sad moments were we realise how fragile and vulnerable to the unfolding event we can be....
And this my friends is one of those moments...that I remember every single minute of it, as I saw my entire life crumble and fade away in moments....Fighting for life...afraid to lose my loved one.
Afraid of what tomorrow might bring.....

"All as planned... all as we wanted... following our dreams... nothing was in our way... nothing could have stopped us...".

No!, nothing could have stopped us, all was in control. Although many have told us that is was a crazy idea to go on this vacation. Us?! as  stubborn as we are (back then even more!) we decided not to listen to anyone, this time was not going to be of any difference!. Month after month all started to get more and more exiting as the day was growing nearer. Have to say that we had to do many sacrifices to save up the money needed...so most of our free time we still ended  up staying in. 

It was March of the year 2008, on a Sunday Cassidy her family and me where all gathered around the kitchen table playing the all times favourite monopoly, that Cassidy complained about some numbness in her left leg. "Nothing!" she kept on saying, "its just that I have been sitting here for hours now!, playing this stupid game!". "Why do we even bother playing it? we know you will always end up winning it!". I remember all as if it was just yesterday...Went back home that night, I was to be up early in the morning and Cassidy had to be at work by 8am. At around 6:30am  my phone woke me up ringing... it was Cassidy's mum telling me to pass by as she was worried about Cass left foot. Dressed up in a hurry as somehow I felt something was wrong. When I got there I found the two in a hot argument as her  mum wanted her to go to see a doctor and she was still saying "Its nothing!!" and something about going to be late for work!!. Well...I somehow managed to convince her that if it was "nothing" as she was calling it would have been just a 5 min trip to the doctor and I could drive her to work afterwards!! "Deal" she said in the attempt to shout the both of us!. Upon arriving to our family doctor it was just us and a young mother with her son in the waiting room..and after a few minutes it was our turn. I did not go in with them as I felt that it was not my place...and besides her mum was with her. A few minutes later the door opened and the doctor came to me...and told me while leaning over me.... "Hotei, you'll have to drive them to hospital...if its what I think..well better be there, they will make a few tests and probably give her some medication for it". Now I was getting worried as hell..."What is it?" I kept asking. "Just go" He gave me a paper and said now go give this to reception in emergency.... squeezed the paper in the palm of my hand, the paper that to this day I have still no  idea of what was written on it as I was to afraid to open....set in the car and the doctor followed..."To the hospital...and fast ok..."

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Sakura

After a couple of months I started feeling more and more confident, stopped freaking out each time we made love. And I am sure she felt the same way as I did. 

During the winter time we kept on planning our dream home and set all of the paper work needed....meanwhile we decided it was time to go on a long trip...we both needed a holiday...especially me! work was getting to much into me, with less hours off and now had started working a part time  too! so that I could pay off some of the works being done on the apartment quicker!!.

Cassidy and me always wanted to visit Japan,  but we both knew it was a big expense. Still this did not hold us back cause a few weeks later we somehow managed to organize a trip to Japan! It was going to be a dream becoming a reality! Asked if it would have been possible to have leave for a month at work and after a lot of debate it was granted!!. So there we where, soon we would have embarked a trip to Japan!!! Booked the hotel in the old imperial city in Kyoto  for 2 weeks...sent mail to Taka to let him know I was going to be in Hiroshima for a few days too!. Then 4 days In Tokyo then a week in Okinawa! truly a dream holiday! It was going to cost us a fortune but it was part of our dream....and once we set something in our heads nothing on earth could ever change our minds!.  By November we had everything sorted out! agreed with the agency that we would pay for everything monthly, and that by May (The month we where to leave) it would all be paid for!. So it happened... months flew by and our dream was about to become reality...soon very soon....

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No tittle....

Just finished my morning espresso, and a ham sandwich...."the older I get the harder is to recover from hangovers.."guess Tory was right about this!! But I must say it was an amazing evening! I longed for a day like yesterdays evening! So a big thanks should go to Tory (I know you listen ^^ ) and to her Irish friend...sorry forgot her name again!!!  the alcohol lingering in my body not helping me to remember :P 

11 hours later ...

I am now getting to remember a few hints of what happened last night! xD God Dublin in 2 years!! I must really start working on that if I want it to become a reality! But we all made a promise, so we must all try and keep it! And I can already see me mopping the floor in Dublin!!

                                                                                                             Me on St Patrick's Day 

But first must recover from this hang over ! xD 

                                                                                                   Me this morning...

I must add that the coffee cocktail was just out of this world...I just have one complaint...they should really use a more man(ly) glass!!! or perhaps I should order mine in a coffee cup next time xD. 

                                                                                                       Note to barman...man glass!!

So looking forward to see you soon one of the days coming...so that we could show the pretty looking Irish that there is much more to see!!! 

And dear....whenever you need remember I'm here..never forget that!....you helped me when I was needing help the most.....I will never forget that....thanks dear...

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