Ordinary and extra ordinary me

...And this is me.

Who am I? 

Who is Hotei? many asked me, what is your real name? they ask, where do you come from? I usually hear. There was this time when I have been asked, what does Hotei mean? other times why I had to put my blog down!.

What is this guy all about! what the fuck is he saying!, confusing and  contradicting, pure non sense at times and crazy on others...
....this is me, like it or not!. Love me or hate me there is no other option, 100%  crude!.

Sensitive...and willing to hear...this is me...if you don't like it well just get the hell out of here!.   

Hotei is no computer geek, Hotei is no lesbian (I was once asked if I was), Hotei is no perverted old freak, Hotei is not an Emo guy (been called that too!), Hotei is not a fake...

Let me come clean...

Hotei is a man, I have to call my self a man, I'm 28 and many times I do feel the age, other times I feel like I'm still 18, while other times I feel I'm 40!. This man is not shallow as he might look, there is much under this skin that is unspoken. Hotei is a non talkative man, many times silent.....But if he does talk, he might be slightly overwhelming... 

Hotei never socialised easily, he is very discreet, most of the time at least.... Hotei is this...... sometimes a paradox, sometimes easy to understand, sometimes not..

 Hotei grew up in a micro society, where no one can be alone not even if you try, everyone knows you wherever you go!.  Hotei "worked" and still "works" to achieve his dreams, he sweat himself behind a range every single day!!.

Why Hotei? 

hummmm.... well first of all I wanted some kind of name that did not reflect me, something far away from me...let me explain this.....I could have used my real name, I mean my name is pretty common so I wont be sticking out like I was the only naked guy in a village square!. But I wanted to protect  the identity of the mentioned characters, I live in a very small close community, news travel fast...gossip is the in thing!. 

(PS; for those that are still asking what does Hotei mean...Hotei is the laughing Buddha in Japanese ...).

Why the blog?   

Why the blog? the blog was exclusively  done for my self a s a diary, a place where I could drain all my feelings and somehow feel lighter. The blog is my refuge, the blog is my escape route, my other world to be far away from the real world, were every one new every thing....

Then later I decided to share,  I always thought if I could only make someone understand the importance of dialogue, the importance of love, the importance to be you!. The reason of this blog would have been all worth it!. Never thought I would loose myself in it, never thought that the place I have created to find myself the place to answer my questions would bring to the surface more and more questions... putting me in denial many times...but I love it !!! :D

Why put down your blog? 

Giggle  giggle... very stupid I must say! a very stupid reason ! this stupid guy here somehow managed to connect his blog to his Facebook account!. And only realising hours layer what happened!! I should not have commented on some EMO!!!! guy blog !! "sorry Rose I know I shouldn't call him so" but I can't help it ...for the love of God !!! I mean, he really  is !! :P


Hope I have cleared many questions that I have been asked lately...

back to my life journal now....remember never judge a book from its cover you might be missing a great story...

sincerely yours Hotei (^o^)

pics and quotes provided by tumblr 

Grown ups need hugs too

 I am back, and ready to share it all again... had to put down my blog for almost a month but now I'm back!! 

It have been a hectic month.. I have been trough a lot these past weeks....I was in denial more then one time....my thanks must go to those who supported me ...Thank you   :)



It all started when Cassidy went on a holiday, I could not be with her cause of  work, in a way,  I was happy, I needed time to clear my mind, I needed "me me time" . I cant recall when  I had two weeks on my own, although it felt awkward not to be with her, somehow I felt it was a good opportunity to discover more my self,  having more time to think.I must admit that at one point in time my brains over worked and almost bursted  for over working them!.here I have to thank my friend Tory...

.....Tory....you perhaps saw a new side of me that you didn't know it could exist. I really needed to let it all out and you were there to listen to me....to my nonsense ..to my whining to my cries!. Thanks for letting my feelings speak, and understanding. I will never ever forget what you have done!, ...and how I could forget the splitting headache that I woke up with the day after we talked? all that amaretto!!! :D. Thanks for distracting me from me!. You somehow knew what I was in need of....

Loved the hairy pussy shave, I found it quite stress relieving. Loved feeding the tiny kittens too!. Loved the board game in the evening, even if I was pitiful!, I was pretty sure it was miss Scarlet!!!  

Black over Will's mother...

Woke up with the fresh, crisp smell of winter in my nose this morning, last night we had our first storm. Was just reading some comments from my fellow islanders which most of them had to wake up cause of the heavy storm!. I did not! slept trough the night like nothing happened ignored the angry Thor throwing lightning towards the earth.. guess having a couple of glasses of red wine before you actually sleep helped with that!

As I opened my bedroom window to let some fresh air in, and smell the damp soil from the garden, my mind drifted away...Yesterday morning went with my eldest brother, he had to help me finish some work in my "home to be". Last time I was there, I made a few videos to send to a friend I could walk trough the empty rooms and materialise the image in my head of that day. When the job was done left with a bitter-sweet smile of sweet memories...

Went back to my "home to be" a few hours later round about 8pm as the rain started...wanted to make sure all the windows were closed and all secured....looked up at the sky as lightening went across, and thought last time I looked down this valley...I did it for you...to show you my world....

The rest of the evening went smoothly chasing the storm for the perfect shot and ended up with a bottle of red...not quite ended...to my surprise when I got back home you where there waiting for me....

For I am not the one

You can be trained for the unexpected but when it happens you are really never prepared. A goodbye will always be hard even if you have been expecting it. I hate the word goodbye, I am more a "see you" person. Goodbye sounds like an indefinite amount of time.... 


I have this stuck in my head, I must drain it, here I am still in my swimming trunks still moist to the touch, draining my thoughts, my feelings...I must do it I can't wait, for the night to fall to write.

You might not realise how important to me you are, you can't imagine the agonising feeling in my chest, trying to act like nothing happened. You have give me all that you are and all that you had, I was too scared to hold you here. Now I'm afraid you see the monster that I can become. Angel of mine I can still feel the Goosebumps over my skin as you asked me to leave...I knew the day would come but never this soon...I hate it, I really hate it. But if this is for the best, if this will be of any help to you. I am happy to carry this once again. Angel of mine I had promised never to fall again until the day you  crossed my path...I repeated this to my self over and over....but I refused to listen...now here I am mourning yet again!

Angel of mine you have promised me you be with me, live day by day....now that image is far.... I just see your face in my head, I see your face everyday as I close my eyes...the same image I will carry for all of my living days wondering how you will look in a year...in a decade..will you have children? seven you said once! crazy thing you are...crazy moments you gave me...crazy thing this goodbye....

I have this song is stuck in my head for the past two days

I would like to share it with you...

I sense there's something in the wind
That seems like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become

For I am not the one

For I am not the one

From the nightmare before Christmas 

End of a dream

"If destiny have chosen a path for you, it will keep crossing your path no matter what you do..."

Here I am once again, I just can't stop thinking about it, how this happened. I never asked for this to happen to me, it just happens. May be its the best thing to do....

So you might ask yourself why "End of a dream?". Just imagine your self lost, afraid and scared...have you ever been there? I was there many times I felt this many times, its not easy to get out of its grasp. Imagine yourself, after a year of constant pain, pain that felt to good to walk away from. You knew it will never be real but you kept on dreaming for a year, a long painful year....

Then one day you look up at yourself, and you ask yourself, what are you doing to yourself?. Don't ignore this pain, this pain is real. I thought this thing I called love was real.....
 You try to walk out of it, you know it will be painful, but it always have been painful, it will be just a matter of time until this feeling fades away, just a little time and it ill be gone....with you....

Then when you finally managed to get out of its grasp...this darn thing called destiny slaps you in the face one more time. My hard broken heart started beating again, it was a dream, the start of a dream...

But remember whoever dreams one day will face the truth, waking up!. I blamed it on destiny....but I only have my self to blame..only me, no one else...it felt like the best thing to do to give the blame to someone...so that is why I always blamed it on destiny..

 55 days....Imagine yourself falling asleep.... a long sleep, and you dream for 55 long days....the best dream you ever had! The longer you stay in the land of dreams the harder to come back. But if it was just a dream why does it makes me feel so bad?

I was lucky...I was granted a taste of heaven for 55 days....I could see I could almost feel....but I could not touch....for 55 long days....

The best 55 days of my life, trapped in this world of "make believe". But I regret not a single week, not a single day, not a single moment in this dream..I just regret that I had to wake up...

Wake up from what? it seamed so real! It felt so real, it was real! I was real !!!. If it was from my part I would have never woken up,I would have kept on dreaming....keeping this taste of heaven just for my self...

You sweet angel of mine...you, made this empty hollow man to breath life again...you made him see what there is out of the box....the box...the box he thought this woman was trapped in, but he woke up to find that he was trapped in the box in the first place....it was a dream...and now its the end of a dream...