Erased...

If there is something I really love to do for my self, and that makes me feel good is to swim. And I am lucky enough to live relatively close to the sea. 

Drove all the way to my favourite spot, lately it have been  not an popular option for many, since last winter many of the caves surrounding the lagoon collapsed due to the strong weather making extremely difficult  to access!. A bonus for me to have some quality time with my own self. 

The colours of the waters are just enchanting...and today it have been especially clear, I could see clearly from  the emerald green to the sapphire blue shimmering under the sun. I really needed to feel the cold water over my skin again it somehow makes me feel alive....it some how washed away what it have been building up in my mind for the past few days. 

Unfortunately it was soon time for me to leave had to be at work in a few hours time!. 

Walked all the way to the restaurant...the streets were deserted, the heat has been unbearable the past days and today was not an exception. I was the first one to open the restaurant yet again! as I walked to the bar to collect the booking diary, my attention was caught by the oil paintings on the wall, the kitchen staff always made fun of them, saying they had a non artistic element in them...

But did we ever stopped and looked closely at them?. What the artist meant was the freedom of one's spirit and soul. She represented her self as the elements Air, Water, Earth and Fire.   

One painting that made me think was the smallest one, with the theme of fire.....

"Erased memories"

"The imprint stays forever"

One can burn down the material things, or try to ignore what it have been happening but the true fact is that the imprint will always be there an indelible mark that stays forever.. 

"Erased memories"

"The imprint stays forever"

 One individual action can shatter this fragile world we are in...I have longed for some one to hear me. I want to leave the imprint forever..

"Erased memories"

"The imprint stays forever"

It is never to late to change your mind, its never to late to wash sins away, its never to late to come to life again, the imprint is there forever...

"Erased memories"

"The imprint stays forever"

My memories will haunt me for ever..I might erase my mind but I cannot erase my life, I want to believe  in what I dreamed, I just wish it could come back to life again....

"Erased memories"

"The imprint stays forever"

I have only my self to blame...I'm not going to let this day go by...I'm not wasting this life....run...run ..run until there is nothing left....I'm drowning in the mess that I have made... 

"Erased memories"

"The imprint stays forever"

Crazy things you make me do...

Don't be blind look closely..

The most insignificant act is moved from deep within one soul...

Gifts are material and do not last for long...

What truly survives is the thought of it...

The smallest of actions can be driven by the biggest intention...

A smile

                   A gesture 

A touch  

                A hug            

"You know this itches like hell!! its hot and it gets worst when working in a kitchen! 

                                        you like it so..."

Dear Diary

Dear diary... today Sunday 15th July, I felt emotionally destructed, I am feeling broken beyond repair .... I had so much on my mind that I couldn't sleep...I kept on thinking on what we said......and about my cold attitude, although  I meant nothing of what I said...but dear, you are not allowed to know any of this! .....this day will remain frozen in my head for ever.

Dear diary....today Tuesday 25th July, ten days  passed since I said goodbye ....I feel much better today, and I think I am ready to let it go, once and for all ...at least deep inside I hope so ..or wish so...

I have so much to learn from this, so much happened, so much to regret, so much to cherish....Forget ? No! I don't want to forget, although it have been painful, I have way to many nice memories to look back at .....

I was strong for almost a week ...but  ....one time ...I was weak!! I wanted so badly to see your smile again ..secretly looked up at your pictures on facebook ...when will you decide to put security up? hope soon ...hope never ......

Only God knows many times I wondered if I ever crossed your mind..even for a second....one thing I am concerned about is that since I said goodbye...you never updated none of your profiles....some how I'm worried, has something happened to you?

Dear Diary...last week right after the day I said farewell .......I was tired beyond imagination ...been awake almost 26 hours  ...but promised Cassidy that we will go to a festival, and a promise is a promise....

Year after year we joined our friends to this festival... it have become a yearly tradition! Everyone was there  except for Tory, I hope she shows up!! will she?.......I reached for my phone and texted her...
                                                                                                                               

"Hey Tory I be at the festival.....shall I see you there?" 

                      "Hey Hotei!!! I'm on my way..."


I felt empty...walked without a pattern... wondered and wondered among the stalls....I was to tired....to think....to tired to pick up just one thought as tiny as it may be...

As I was looking at the distant lights of the city below...  savouring a glass of red .. suddenly Tory came  ......Hotei !! she called......Tory hugged me and hugged her back squeezing her tight...
It was nice that she came too.."haven't seen you in ages" I said!!
"Its like we'r not living on the same island" she replied smiling.

Now our group got larger! way to many ..I was too tierd to keep track of what was going on and what was being said....and besides was not really interested in what was being said my head was elsewhere. 

Tori held my hand and slowly dragged me away ..then she walked faster.....then she started running ...... laughing as she looked back at me........then she stopped, and said "what about Cassidy? ...what if she see us now?" 
"and what are we doing wrong?" I replied! she smiled back at me and started walking again....

We found our selves in a relatively quiet area...I sat on the edge of the bastions looking at the crowd....

You started to open your self bout the girl you where falling for how confusing and frustrating this is. ..asking me if I  could understand this....If only you knew how much I do .no one more then me could understand you more. I have been hiding all this deep inside only God knows how many times I tried to tell you..or even hint what was going inside my head ...sharing how broken I feel dear Tory you are the only one I can ever trust..

"How much I wish I could share what I have been through dear Tory...I know you are the only one that could understand what I feel.....I've been pretending this was not real.....but the pain I feel is ..."

Dear diary you know?  we're part of a story, part of a tale....we're all on this journey called life....sometimes beautiful and sometimes insane....but whatever we do is never in vain.....and no one is to know the way.......

Hotei!! found you at last......

P party!

A party to remember;

A few years ago ..hum round about 3 years ago...Cassidy and I went to a "P" party well the point of a "P" party is that every one must wear like some one, or something that starts with a P!! few examples are (prigiles, princes, punk,,,ect ect ) well Cassidy wore like one of the power puff girls (the green one!!) and I like a professor!!

The party was fun and had a few drinks over the driving limit !!! (not something to be proud of!!)

On our way back we found a road block and the police where making tests and checking the drivers and there cars ...

So we slowed down and placed our self in the "Q" right next to us noticed that there were two other from the party wearing ...hum....like a pornstar, all in pink fish nets tights tong on the out side.....you got the picture  :P !! and the guy was dressed up as a policeman xD .....

The police stopped them and made them get out of the car!! took there details and big shit !!!

I was like fuck no!! I will get in trouble too :(

I put down my window ....took out my documents and as I was going to say something he pointed the torch to Cassidy and me and he said, "its ok sir I can see that you are on duty !! you may proceed !! sorry for stopping you !! "

XD

The expression on the "pornstar" and the "policeman" faces as we drove away was priceless !!

push...push and push!!

After a few weeks all seamed to be going back to normality and I could enjoy more time with Cassidy. Tas was doing fine, and the risk that I took gave its fruit in the end, resulting that Tas gave all that he could and made giant leaps!

As summer was over, the peak season went away with it and we had more free time!.

I remember those days clearly!! Still driving an old car ....I think it could remember world war II !! hoo God how many times I kicked the tyers as it stooped on the way to work or back home!! Way to many times to remember!!. I hated that car! but to the date I had no option!, I couldn't afford something better with the wage I had before my promotion. I drove Tas a 100 times and most of them we had to push the car down the road so that it would start!!!

One day, on a rainy day, I was driving to work and I guess it was one of those days that you tell to your self ...."I have better stayed home today!!". The roads were packed and jammed with traffic!! poor car ..or poor me ...it stopped just after a 5 minutes drive!!.....Somehow I managed to make it go again !!....

Its stopped a second time only minutes away from work and luckily I got help from a guy working in a garage nearby, God bless him!! As I was more or less 300metre away from the hotel .....the water raised God knows why! and the car stopped again!! this time blocking the road!! and therefore seizing the other cars!!  As much as I tried it didn't want to know!!! I sweared and punched and kicked and cursed  the damn thing !! had water rising up to my knees, and had to push the car up the road, while the other drivers called me names!! and the people that where in the cafes laughed at me, and made fun of me, the only thing missing was a stand  with a sign that said (free rotten vegetable to throw to Hotei!!!). Soaking wet, pushing the car against the flow of water!!! Grrrr!!!
 Somehow I got it parked in a spot and left it there, went to work soaking wet!! had to dry my cloths and uniform under the heating lamps!! wondered for at least one and a half hours in my undies till I could wear my pants again!! sigh......

The next day after towing away my "Car" well I didn't call it a car any more I called it a "cart" from that day onwards ....anyway, went looking for a new car.
Dad was against me buying a new car, he said "The car is fine its you that don't know how to handle it!!" say's the man that had to push the car a million times!!! but of course I was the one that was wrong....anyways....

For at least two weeks had to go to work by bus...and back those days we had buses...hum very .... "charactered" just on the 3rd stage of vintage!! most of them had there 50th birthday celebrated!! and others I'm sure that they where used by solders  in second..... or better in world war I !!!! It was a bumpy ride!! ....Nowadays I miss them especially when I compare them to the "modern" Arriva bus service!!! but that is an other story ......