Dear Diary

Dear diary... today Sunday 15th July, I felt emotionally destructed, I am feeling broken beyond repair .... I had so much on my mind that I couldn't sleep...I kept on thinking on what we said......and about my cold attitude, although  I meant nothing of what I said...but dear, you are not allowed to know any of this! .....this day will remain frozen in my head for ever.

Dear diary....today Tuesday 25th July, ten days  passed since I said goodbye ....I feel much better today, and I think I am ready to let it go, once and for all ...at least deep inside I hope so ..or wish so...

I have so much to learn from this, so much happened, so much to regret, so much to cherish....Forget ? No! I don't want to forget, although it have been painful, I have way to many nice memories to look back at .....

I was strong for almost a week ...but  ....one time ...I was weak!! I wanted so badly to see your smile again ..secretly looked up at your pictures on facebook ...when will you decide to put security up? hope soon ...hope never ......

Only God knows many times I wondered if I ever crossed your mind..even for a second....one thing I am concerned about is that since I said goodbye...you never updated none of your profiles....some how I'm worried, has something happened to you?

Dear Diary...last week right after the day I said farewell .......I was tired beyond imagination ...been awake almost 26 hours  ...but promised Cassidy that we will go to a festival, and a promise is a promise....

Year after year we joined our friends to this festival... it have become a yearly tradition! Everyone was there  except for Tory, I hope she shows up!! will she?.......I reached for my phone and texted her...
                                                                                                                               

"Hey Tory I be at the festival.....shall I see you there?" 

                      "Hey Hotei!!! I'm on my way..."


I felt empty...walked without a pattern... wondered and wondered among the stalls....I was to tired....to think....to tired to pick up just one thought as tiny as it may be...

As I was looking at the distant lights of the city below...  savouring a glass of red .. suddenly Tory came  ......Hotei !! she called......Tory hugged me and hugged her back squeezing her tight...
It was nice that she came too.."haven't seen you in ages" I said!!
"Its like we'r not living on the same island" she replied smiling.

Now our group got larger! way to many ..I was too tierd to keep track of what was going on and what was being said....and besides was not really interested in what was being said my head was elsewhere. 

Tori held my hand and slowly dragged me away ..then she walked faster.....then she started running ...... laughing as she looked back at me........then she stopped, and said "what about Cassidy? ...what if she see us now?" 
"and what are we doing wrong?" I replied! she smiled back at me and started walking again....

We found our selves in a relatively quiet area...I sat on the edge of the bastions looking at the crowd....

You started to open your self bout the girl you where falling for how confusing and frustrating this is. ..asking me if I  could understand this....If only you knew how much I do .no one more then me could understand you more. I have been hiding all this deep inside only God knows how many times I tried to tell you..or even hint what was going inside my head ...sharing how broken I feel dear Tory you are the only one I can ever trust..

"How much I wish I could share what I have been through dear Tory...I know you are the only one that could understand what I feel.....I've been pretending this was not real.....but the pain I feel is ..."

Dear diary you know?  we're part of a story, part of a tale....we're all on this journey called life....sometimes beautiful and sometimes insane....but whatever we do is never in vain.....and no one is to know the way.......

Hotei!! found you at last......

P party!

A party to remember;

A few years ago ..hum round about 3 years ago...Cassidy and I went to a "P" party well the point of a "P" party is that every one must wear like some one, or something that starts with a P!! few examples are (prigiles, princes, punk,,,ect ect ) well Cassidy wore like one of the power puff girls (the green one!!) and I like a professor!!

The party was fun and had a few drinks over the driving limit !!! (not something to be proud of!!)

On our way back we found a road block and the police where making tests and checking the drivers and there cars ...

So we slowed down and placed our self in the "Q" right next to us noticed that there were two other from the party wearing ...hum....like a pornstar, all in pink fish nets tights tong on the out side.....you got the picture  :P !! and the guy was dressed up as a policeman xD .....

The police stopped them and made them get out of the car!! took there details and big shit !!!

I was like fuck no!! I will get in trouble too :(

I put down my window ....took out my documents and as I was going to say something he pointed the torch to Cassidy and me and he said, "its ok sir I can see that you are on duty !! you may proceed !! sorry for stopping you !! "

XD

The expression on the "pornstar" and the "policeman" faces as we drove away was priceless !!

push...push and push!!

After a few weeks all seamed to be going back to normality and I could enjoy more time with Cassidy. Tas was doing fine, and the risk that I took gave its fruit in the end, resulting that Tas gave all that he could and made giant leaps!

As summer was over, the peak season went away with it and we had more free time!.

I remember those days clearly!! Still driving an old car ....I think it could remember world war II !! hoo God how many times I kicked the tyers as it stooped on the way to work or back home!! Way to many times to remember!!. I hated that car! but to the date I had no option!, I couldn't afford something better with the wage I had before my promotion. I drove Tas a 100 times and most of them we had to push the car down the road so that it would start!!!

One day, on a rainy day, I was driving to work and I guess it was one of those days that you tell to your self ...."I have better stayed home today!!". The roads were packed and jammed with traffic!! poor car ..or poor me ...it stopped just after a 5 minutes drive!!.....Somehow I managed to make it go again !!....

Its stopped a second time only minutes away from work and luckily I got help from a guy working in a garage nearby, God bless him!! As I was more or less 300metre away from the hotel .....the water raised God knows why! and the car stopped again!! this time blocking the road!! and therefore seizing the other cars!!  As much as I tried it didn't want to know!!! I sweared and punched and kicked and cursed  the damn thing !! had water rising up to my knees, and had to push the car up the road, while the other drivers called me names!! and the people that where in the cafes laughed at me, and made fun of me, the only thing missing was a stand  with a sign that said (free rotten vegetable to throw to Hotei!!!). Soaking wet, pushing the car against the flow of water!!! Grrrr!!!
 Somehow I got it parked in a spot and left it there, went to work soaking wet!! had to dry my cloths and uniform under the heating lamps!! wondered for at least one and a half hours in my undies till I could wear my pants again!! sigh......

The next day after towing away my "Car" well I didn't call it a car any more I called it a "cart" from that day onwards ....anyway, went looking for a new car.
Dad was against me buying a new car, he said "The car is fine its you that don't know how to handle it!!" say's the man that had to push the car a million times!!! but of course I was the one that was wrong....anyways....

For at least two weeks had to go to work by bus...and back those days we had buses...hum very .... "charactered" just on the 3rd stage of vintage!! most of them had there 50th birthday celebrated!! and others I'm sure that they where used by solders  in second..... or better in world war I !!!! It was a bumpy ride!! ....Nowadays I miss them especially when I compare them to the "modern" Arriva bus service!!! but that is an other story ......

The lights of Lisbon...(part 1)

The heat finally gave in....tonight was cooler  .....as I drove back home the roads where quite, the wind feels nice as I drive.... tried looking up at the stars reduced speed to be able to see those sparkly dots, but the the lights from the city almost made them fade away..... that made me remember of something happened to me ......stepped down on gas...faster...faster...I want to get home soon ......I cant let this get out of my head! As I got home made my self a coffee and went to my room...

Sweet darling ...I once said " If destiny have chosen a path for you, it will keep crossing your path no matter what you do..."

I sometimes think destiny is a bitch! it made me suffer for no reason! all my life I had to fight, to stay afloat!
Every single thing I did, had to do it the hard way, at least that is from my point of view...
You know darling.....many times I blamed it on you and many other times I blamed it on destiny....I never thought it could have been my fault. I ...I want to be always a winner, but that is not possible....we win in our time ....we achieve and learn to appreciate the small wins! that way we are always winners!.

You know darling .....I was so scared and frightened when I said goodbye, I never, ever thought I could feel that way...not in a million years......
was I sacred for the fact that I was leaving you? or for the fact to come to the crude reality? 


For these questions relatively simple but yet hard to explain when it comes to give answers to them, that "thing" called destiny made me meet two angels,so that I could face this...they came just in time...as destiny heard my cry for help......even if they are afar I feel them so closely to me.


Sweet darling....deep inside me I feel this was not the end ....who knows..."you fought for me to stay" ...and that made me raise up more questions. 
Sweet darling...may be one day that bitch of destiny will make us cross  paths again.....I wish that that day never comes.....but yet thinking  that it will never come it breaks me. 


Sweet darling I might call your name one day yet again.....




.................

mourning your love

Closed my lap top ...looked at my phone again, almost half three....grabbed a towel and went to hit the shower...mum was just out of my bedroom door, I walked towards the bathroom she followed me..
"what is going on Hotei? are you alright?" yes mum! I replied "You are different these days is something bothering you?" no mum I mumbled....

I locked the bathroom door behind..looked in the mirror ....almost not recognizing my own image...not even a smile Hotei? I asked my self ....touched my face from my cheek to the chin with two fingers...I really could use a shave!....nhaaa I don't feel like it...not today... brushed my teeth .....stared again at my reflection...undressed and placed myself under the cold running water....how much I wish that this water could wash away my feelings right now....

"What do you mean?"......you asked me "did I do...did I say something wrong?" ....No you did't ....never did...." I deserve to know" yes you do but I can't tell I just want to walk away....."someone told you something?" no no one did......."is this real a good bye?"...yes the very last.....

Why I cant erase it from my mind? will this haunt me for eternity? suddenly tears again, why is this happening?

I raised my head and let the cold water wash away my tears, this feels better...."Think about it Hotei"
I beg of you get out of my head!....."I wont let you"......please stop I don't want to remember...

Turned out the water, reached for the towel looked again in the mirror a more familiar face, dried my self up dressed up went back to my room sat on my bed, looked at the phone again...packed my uniform in my work bag and out I went.....hot again but at least there's a breeze of some sort...shit forgot to put up the sun shelled  again!!

Switched on the engine, put down all of the windows ....the cd player went on .....just as to mock me!! ....the song I just posted on the blogg! switched it off!!! drove down to Cassidy's, rang the bell and she opened..hugged me "your late what happened?" I was just a bit tiered guess I'm not used to drink much wine any more ..."haaa you'r getting old you know? I told you a 100 times not to over do it!"  yes I know I said....

 "if you where here I would hug you tight my dear" If only I could be there....."water sweetie? you must be thirsty its hot out there!" yes please ....you poured a big glass of cold water and handed it to me, kissed me passionately on my lips and smiled..."I love you...you know?"  I smiled back to her ..."is something bothering you?" she asked me! no ...nothing ...I smiled back .
we went and sat on the sofa watching some tv until it was time for me to leave for work.....I think I nodded off for a few minutes ...was awaken by the smell of coffee ..."made you coffee its almost time for work" .

She walked me to the door..smiled again and wrapped her arms around my neck as she stood up on her toes ...turned my back and started walking out looked back and she smiled again ....what's up I asked? what's the matter?I continued,  she just smiled more "nothing silly" ..." I love you! you know?"...I smiled back at you and left ...

"so this is the end ...is it this way that all will end?" I wish the end never had to come......"think about it dear"...I am almost going mad so much I think about it ......"this is not what you want!!" no ...perhaps, not!

drove all the way back to work.....stared at all the tourist walking around the city ....drove towards the parking....locked the car walked through the gate shoot!! forgot may bag!!...

As I walked in the quiet narrow streets was almost overwhelmed by silence...its like all was on mute ...I could just hear the weak blow of the wind as it played with leaves and flower falling of from the bougainvillea,   I love those tiny purple dots on the Gray pavement ....

"I can not hold you!" I wish I could just stay.......went up to the kitchen smiled to the others Miky came to me "is all ok with you" I smiled, Yes, sure......"goodbye" goodbye love ......."desolee"