The lights of Lisbon...(part 1)

The heat finally gave in....tonight was cooler  .....as I drove back home the roads where quite, the wind feels nice as I drive.... tried looking up at the stars reduced speed to be able to see those sparkly dots, but the the lights from the city almost made them fade away..... that made me remember of something happened to me ......stepped down on gas...faster...faster...I want to get home soon ......I cant let this get out of my head! As I got home made my self a coffee and went to my room...

Sweet darling ...I once said " If destiny have chosen a path for you, it will keep crossing your path no matter what you do..."

I sometimes think destiny is a bitch! it made me suffer for no reason! all my life I had to fight, to stay afloat!
Every single thing I did, had to do it the hard way, at least that is from my point of view...
You know darling.....many times I blamed it on you and many other times I blamed it on destiny....I never thought it could have been my fault. I ...I want to be always a winner, but that is not possible....we win in our time ....we achieve and learn to appreciate the small wins! that way we are always winners!.

You know darling .....I was so scared and frightened when I said goodbye, I never, ever thought I could feel that way...not in a million years......
was I sacred for the fact that I was leaving you? or for the fact to come to the crude reality? 


For these questions relatively simple but yet hard to explain when it comes to give answers to them, that "thing" called destiny made me meet two angels,so that I could face this...they came just in time...as destiny heard my cry for help......even if they are afar I feel them so closely to me.


Sweet darling....deep inside me I feel this was not the end ....who knows..."you fought for me to stay" ...and that made me raise up more questions. 
Sweet darling...may be one day that bitch of destiny will make us cross  paths again.....I wish that that day never comes.....but yet thinking  that it will never come it breaks me. 


Sweet darling I might call your name one day yet again.....




.................

mourning your love

Closed my lap top ...looked at my phone again, almost half three....grabbed a towel and went to hit the shower...mum was just out of my bedroom door, I walked towards the bathroom she followed me..
"what is going on Hotei? are you alright?" yes mum! I replied "You are different these days is something bothering you?" no mum I mumbled....

I locked the bathroom door behind..looked in the mirror ....almost not recognizing my own image...not even a smile Hotei? I asked my self ....touched my face from my cheek to the chin with two fingers...I really could use a shave!....nhaaa I don't feel like it...not today... brushed my teeth .....stared again at my reflection...undressed and placed myself under the cold running water....how much I wish that this water could wash away my feelings right now....

"What do you mean?"......you asked me "did I do...did I say something wrong?" ....No you did't ....never did...." I deserve to know" yes you do but I can't tell I just want to walk away....."someone told you something?" no no one did......."is this real a good bye?"...yes the very last.....

Why I cant erase it from my mind? will this haunt me for eternity? suddenly tears again, why is this happening?

I raised my head and let the cold water wash away my tears, this feels better...."Think about it Hotei"
I beg of you get out of my head!....."I wont let you"......please stop I don't want to remember...

Turned out the water, reached for the towel looked again in the mirror a more familiar face, dried my self up dressed up went back to my room sat on my bed, looked at the phone again...packed my uniform in my work bag and out I went.....hot again but at least there's a breeze of some sort...shit forgot to put up the sun shelled  again!!

Switched on the engine, put down all of the windows ....the cd player went on .....just as to mock me!! ....the song I just posted on the blogg! switched it off!!! drove down to Cassidy's, rang the bell and she opened..hugged me "your late what happened?" I was just a bit tiered guess I'm not used to drink much wine any more ..."haaa you'r getting old you know? I told you a 100 times not to over do it!"  yes I know I said....

 "if you where here I would hug you tight my dear" If only I could be there....."water sweetie? you must be thirsty its hot out there!" yes please ....you poured a big glass of cold water and handed it to me, kissed me passionately on my lips and smiled..."I love you...you know?"  I smiled back to her ..."is something bothering you?" she asked me! no ...nothing ...I smiled back .
we went and sat on the sofa watching some tv until it was time for me to leave for work.....I think I nodded off for a few minutes ...was awaken by the smell of coffee ..."made you coffee its almost time for work" .

She walked me to the door..smiled again and wrapped her arms around my neck as she stood up on her toes ...turned my back and started walking out looked back and she smiled again ....what's up I asked? what's the matter?I continued,  she just smiled more "nothing silly" ..." I love you! you know?"...I smiled back at you and left ...

"so this is the end ...is it this way that all will end?" I wish the end never had to come......"think about it dear"...I am almost going mad so much I think about it ......"this is not what you want!!" no ...perhaps, not!

drove all the way back to work.....stared at all the tourist walking around the city ....drove towards the parking....locked the car walked through the gate shoot!! forgot may bag!!...

As I walked in the quiet narrow streets was almost overwhelmed by silence...its like all was on mute ...I could just hear the weak blow of the wind as it played with leaves and flower falling of from the bougainvillea,   I love those tiny purple dots on the Gray pavement ....

"I can not hold you!" I wish I could just stay.......went up to the kitchen smiled to the others Miky came to me "is all ok with you" I smiled, Yes, sure......"goodbye" goodbye love ......."desolee"

"Noblesse oblige"

For you that once told me rock music was loud and noisy and it has nothing to do with classical music. 

We shared much in common.

Today I lost a big friend ....lost a part of me ...

my stubbornness made me lose you ...

"will miss your smile"

It will haunt me for all my life 

Reached out for my phone again for the 100 time!, 4am , 4:15am , 5am ....
somehow I cant sleep....its been a tough night ...
.noblesse oblige you once told me ....yet again I tasted the salty taste on my lips ....
5:05am , 5:15am ...sleep!! I need seep must be up early ...have got an appointment early in the morning ...
dad sad my brother should be coming too ..
I can already see the faint light of the rising sun through my bedroom window ...somehow I faded ................I somehow felt asleep ...must be the long day ...work was very busy yet again .....I opened my eyes again reached again for my phone 5:59am I sat up on my bed ....
Wanted to reach for my lap top, write down what an awful night it was I wanted, I need  to get it off my chest!! .....
It was far more painful as I thought it be! ...Noblesse oblige...
will my laptop still be working....after the tear shower I gave it last night?
....last night..... it have barely been 4 hours since I sad goodbye....reached out  for my laptop as it was on the side table....
My phone beeped a message ..its Gwanni!! wanted to see how I feel after that awful night ....
left the lap top where it was ....stood up searched the floor for my slippers in almost complete darkness I don't want to open my room to the sun this morning  the sun will hurt my eyes.....noblesse oblige....
A coffee I really need as strong one ...hit the walls a few times as I walked to the kitchen .....made my self a double espresso, then brother came and asked for one too ...I did it without whispering a word .....went back to my room locked the door, layed down on my bed again ...a phone call, it was Cassidy just to remind me I had to be up !! placed down my phone next to me on my bed ...then . reached for the phone again ... replied   back to Gwanni .....

"what the mind think its good... its not always good for the heart!!" 

Put on shorts, and a T shirt ...grrr have to pick up the carpenter ...called dad ..asked him if he could pick him up for me ..... I wanted to talk to no one ....too shocked, angry and scared for what happened now a few hours ago ... 

Noblesse oblige .....drove to my apartment... opened the door ..... started opening all the windows ...air I need air!!
 went out into the veranda looked out into the valley...the trees have grown, yes they did....the tops are higher then last year .....
looked up to the sky ..clear not even one cloud .....this silence is driving me mad!! looked down picked up a pebble .... threw it out of the balcony of the veranda...picked an other ....squeezed it tight in the palm of my hand....draw  a few doodles on the wall ..."Hotei" I hear a voice calling ......It was my eldest brother .. wiped of the doodles with my own hand tried to remove the trail of dust left ....I wished to cry yet again .....

Cassidy came..she looked at me...she knew something was not right, but she said no word.... until I said good-morning and answered me back with a smile.......  

I have found no name for you yet, ..this happened to soon, far to soon, my journal is far from complete !!! I wished for this day never to come... never to happen but it did!! 

Noblesse oblige!!! remember you told me once?.....Noblesse oblige....

Happy Sunday

The Ginger Root !

The ginger root is a tropical plant, it is used in the kitchen as for medicational purposes, its most known actions are warming, antispasmodic, anti-enetic and circulatory stimulant!!. also it is used for chills, nausea and colds. 

Tassu loved his tea, and I also love it since I was grown in a very British culture like country. 

This is a tea made by Tassu!! it is very good for colds 

and it is very tasty too! 

You will need!!

tea ( earl grey, green or normal English breakfast are good)

2 to 3 thin slices of ginger (fresh)

1 spring or about 10 leafs of fresh mint 

tea spoon of honey (or demarera sugar)

place all the above in a tea pot!!

poor boiling water into the pot!!

let it brew for 4 or 5 minutes!!

and serve!!

Easy huh ?

This is good served cold or warm !

enjoy 

Don't forget to strain!!! 

Happy Sunday :)

Keeping the boat afloat!

Nigel was gone ...there was no one to replace him ....I passed day after day regretting the fact that I haven't left with Vince when he asked me to....but greedy me, I saw the money! A mercenary ....that what Vince called me!, he was right!!. I wanted to resign there and then ..and escape from all the hassle!!

Then I saw true friendship materializing  in front of my eyes!!.
 Many came to see how I was doing, while others gave a helping hand during there break time....I appreciated a lot there gesture and never forget that!!. For two whole weeks I worked virtually alone!. day after day, night after night!!
 One day as I was having a cup of coffee with chef in the restaurant I said .."how on earth we can't find a replacement!?" then I continued " can I make a proposal?" yes he said ..."what about Tassu?  I could train him! I take full responsibility for  him"
Tassu was from India, and had worked with me more or less four years, he was our pantry guy...and since Nigel left he helped me out on daily basis!. "are you sure of what you are saying?" chef said "Christmas is due in three months!! will you make it?". "Its working with him ...or no one from the way things are working out!!" I exclaimed!!." I'll take the gamble!!!"

I reached for my phone and called Tassu....told him that where ever he is, he must run!! run, to the restaurant!!
hehehe poor Tassu he came in about 15 minutes! breathless and sweaty !!! He accepted the offer chef made him, and started his training on the day!!. 

I admit days came where I had regretted the day!! and many times I looked up to the ceiling calling my self an idiot!!! what the hell got into you? why not train Tassu!!! whoooo its better then noting!!.Stupid, Stupid Hotei!!  

But, it did pay in the end, he improved overnight and executed most of the jobs perfectly ^^ ......"almost"  --" 

especially when it came to the dessert bit ......thanks God that the critic never showed up again and ordered the cream caramel!! God how many times I opened the oven and found scrambled eggs instead of custard!! sigh...

Tassu and me worked for over three years together had many ups and downs!..it was a bumpy adventure but I enjoyed the ride !!