Looking Back

Early in the morning today dropped for a few minutes to my apartment.... I walked silently from room to room. It  brings me joy and yet a little sadness thinking about  memories I have lingering in each room. Although I never stayed to long in it I have collected quite a lot of memories in 5years. 

Looking Back....

We knew that we would not be able to live in it for a couple of years, but yet we considered it our home. It was what Cassidy and I both wanted and wished for. We had an obstacle so what!? we will over come this as well.

One day after talking to the architect and the builder to evaluate the costs to fix the damage, we both agreed to make a few changes to the structure while the ceiling was being fixed and replaced!. So with much motivation and hope we sat with a pencil and papers and started to rebuild our dream home from scratch! This is a nice memory I have, Cassidy and me were in perfect symphony, we both knew what we wanted, and if what we wanted was not possible to achieve, well.... it didn't really matter we had each other and that was enough for us.

So after a few weeks of hectic days at work and struggling days trying to meet our crazy ideas and evaluating the possibility that the crazy ideas would be approved by the architect..even tough many times we made him rise an eyebrow!.

 We sat a date for the works to begin!. Ideally it had to be in summer so that there is less chances of rain, and usually weather holds over here..the dry season is really DRY!! as for almost 3 months it doesn't rain at all...not even a single drop!!.

And that happened, we sat the starting date for June!. On the day that the works had to start I was awakened by a very loud noise! rushed out of bed at around 5am in the morning...opened my bedroom window...and I could not believe my eyes...a thunderstorm was on!! I remember it was hot like hell but yet it rained cats and dogs!... minutes later I received a call from the builder saying that he would remind the works for next week just to be sure that weather holds!. And that is what happened....but guess mother nature didn't want us to start the week after either..as heavens opened again on the day!. I did not discourage my self and planed an other day this time studied all weather forecasts possible! so that I would be sure, didn't want any more delays. We were already 3 weeks behind schedule!  But destiny played with us again and on the day even tough all weather forecasts planed a sunny week....it rained and rained....

There I said to my self...something is wrong guess better leave it for next year...at least we will be able to save a little more cash...and perhaps do more of the work next year....at least we thought...

Finally Home...

Finally!!  Cassidy and me had a place we could call home, after a whole year of awaiting and expectations,  the key was ours, and we could now move in!. It was a Tuesday evening, I remember it clearly...It was my only day off back then. Picked Cassidy from home and drove to the apartment, we both were trilled and exited!. went up the flight of stairs and opened the door to our home for the first time..

The feeling was something indescribable, felt like the biggest thing I ever done in my life!. The place was some what dark due to the dark painted walls and heavy curtains!, but that was something we would change soon, and make it meet our taste!.  The place indeed needed a good clean! I assume that the previous owners neglected there cleaning schedule knowing that they would be leaving the place soon!. It took us almost a month to clear it all and give it a good clean but in the end the place was spotless!!.

Brought a few bottles of wine and a few cheeses and salami, invited a few friends for a house warming party.
It was a dream coming true, now Cassidy and me could start writing a new page in our life. By the end of August we started moving a few things in, and some times we spent the night in there..it was perfect!.

~~~O~~~

On September 8th we were invited to a family gathering for the local feast, a feast we did not really enjoy since as a terrible storm hit the island that day. We returned to the apartment the next morning. To our horror we found the whole place flooded, it was terrible and I could not understand how this could have happened. Checked every window to see if they were properly  secured!. The bedroom was the most damaged and the water had ruined most of the furniture. It was now clear that there was a problem with the ceiling, water was seeping trough, we thought that it must be a small problem that could be fixed easily by giving some maintenance to the roof...hoo.. how wrong we were...... 

Whatever we did and tried to do to mend it,  the problem persisted... all winter! It was not possible to longer live in it since whenever it started raining water poured in abundantly. What a nightmare!. Our dream was slowly fading away...

It was the start of a list of misfortune, one after the other...

Pictures provided by google images and tumblr 

A new Path...

After that day I don't remember speaking much to Ta Chan, She was distant and I decided it was best to let it all go...after all I was in a relationship and I was happy. I had all that my heart wanted and needed 
to love and to be loved back!. Cassidy was my soul mate...still consider her so, we share a lot in common,  She's my love, she's my best friend....

A New Path...

After the 3rd year together we decided to move the relationship to a different level, I was 23 and she was about to finish her last year at university..we planned to move and live together. I was against leasing, and since work was paying a lot back those days we decided to buy property ...."now a days  property is not cheap over here,  especially after the island formed part of the EU". My wage could cover the fees needed and she was promised a good job as soon as she finished her last semester at Uni...so as soon as she started she could help with the mortgage....what we didn't know was that  we where about to make a decision that would have changed the course of our lives....and so it was...

After much deliberation and consultation we decided to go for an apartment, it was decently priced and it had a charm to it...we both fell in love with it..it was the only place we could call home!

It took almost a year for papers to be ready since it was a pre-war apartment  and most of the documents were lost....sigh....what a nightmare!. But at least after a year we where handed the key a much awaited
moment, now....a new page was about to be written...

Picture By tumblr

Goodbye Darling.....

Took two days of rest and back to work I was ...everyone was concerned about me, received many messages, and many paid me a visit at the restaurant when I returned  back to work...everyone, except for one .... Ta Chan!!...

She never came to say hi again...she started avoiding me....I kept asking my self, why?...I have done noting wrong to her..or did I? was it my abrupt escape on New year's? or there was something else deep inside? could it have been Jo?. Could he be imposing her not to see me?. But why?. well deep inside I knew the answers I just didn't want to admit it!. Although I missed Ta Chan I made a point that I will not fall!, I would not go looking for her up in the Japanese Restaurant, after all, it will do the both of us good, at least that is what I thought back then.

As days gone bye I sort of placed my heart at rest, now she had her life rolling again, so I could understand that she wanted not to see me, although I find it pretty stupid, as we worked in the same establishment and many times we were just a few meters away, and the only few times we happened to cross our ways in the back area she could only "say Hi Hotei...bye Hotei". That really bugged me to be honest..but that is life people come people go...people leave a mark, a scar and then they leave before you know it. So this was the case. What happened between us was the past now, we both took our paths and must follow it!. We should thank destiny for making us meet and for the wonderful moments we spared together.

                                               .......................................................

The situation went on a different level when one day I was having a beer at the usual pub down the road, it was me and a few working mates...when Jo came...stopped at our table and asked if we wanted an other round.  That was very nice of him especially when he turned to me and asked "you Hotei?..an other?".
He sat a few tables down and ordered his usual stout,  took out his cigarettes  and a book (white heat if I remember well!). A few minutes later more and more staff joined us, as dinner was over in all of the restaurants of the hotel, tables were joined, first one then an other then a third was added, until five tables were bridged with Jo at the top of one end and me at the other end. Avoiding looking at him was almost impossible, But it was fine, until....Ta Chan showed up pulled a chair from a nearby table and joined the crowd. I don't know why but all of a sudden the noisy bunch turned quiet and every one reached for his drink sort of waiting for some one else to break the silence that was suddenly created!.

"Where is your car? haven't see it for a while now! having trouble with finding Parking?" one of the guys asked Jo, perhaps intending  to break the now graspable  silence!.
"I don't need the car!!" he replied with a smirk, "I have moved in with Ta Chan"
 "really!" everyone replied simultaneously!
"yep!!" ..."You have to move in, if you plan to have children!!".
 I choked on  my beer and almost felt it coming right back up!!. Forced the last half pint down and made up an excuse to leave....

As much as  I tried I could not help not thinking about it, I could not believe what I have heard...Ta Chan was not made that way...what is going on with her?. Or he just said that to mock me?!. He knew how I felt towards her.. even-tough I was in a relationship for two years now... I still felt I loved her...perhaps its what they call first true love!!!.

The next day  I was at the back of house sorting some dry store items. Ta Chan walked by and stopped looking quite embarrassed, "Hotei .....don't believe everything Jo says....he say stupid things when he drinks.....
" I stared at her not quite sure what to say (I could not tell her "yeah!! I know he knows how to be a jerk!" he was her boyfriend after all).
"Its OK...don't worry" I said.
 She looked up at me with a sad looking face, then her sadness turned to a smile wrapped her arms around my waist and whispered "Aishiteru.....". She went away faster then the wind almost running heading to the Japanese restaurant...
I was left puzzled not knowing what to do!
"Wait!" ....I slowly followed her back to the restaurant then stopped.....no I can't do this.....my brains felt like over working did not know what to do....Shall I follow her? or just go back? and forget about what just happened?.....decided to go back.....must let this go once and for all......turned my back and slowly walked back...

The moment I turned my back  Rose opening the back door hitting me straight in the face with it!! "Sorry!!" she shouted..."you OK?" ....
"yes...yes..I'm OK Rose.."  
"Come ...come lets put some ice on that!" she said
 "No ...no I'm fine Rose no need to worry!".....she pulled me inside literally!!.
"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked her...."Today its Tuesday the Thai restaurant is closed!"I added.
"Yeah.....must finish some vegetable carvings by today...so I came in!" she replied while placing a couple of ice cubes on my forehead.
 "ho....cool...can I see?" I said .
 "sure!!!" she smiled, went in to the kitchen where she was sitting on an empty crate carving on some water melons. I always loved to see her doing her carving magic!. I leaned over to take a closer look to the amazingly carved fruit ....but somehow.... ended up held down by Rose...kissing me..shocked as I was I just pushed her away and got out of the kitchen......asking my self how the hell I end up in such situations!.....

Picture provided by google 

Look who's back !

Recap;

Here I am continuing my thought... digging and memory sifting

 just right after the misadventure with the emo guy blog! ...anyway!.      

My last post was
"Dear diary" 
http://anymorethenawhisper.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-diary.html
 but I will not continue from this post I will go slightly backwards!

 "thunder in blue skies"
 http://anymorethenawhisper.blogspot.com/2012/07/thunder-in-blue-skies.html
I know that much happened in between but I'm sure it be confusing if I keep going ahead. 

~~~~~O~~~~~

A Nasty surprise (look who's back!)

I remember Cassidy and me  where in our second year together, work was getting more and more hectic!. but life was good, I had made a pretty good name among the other staff working in the hotel. One day as I was passing near the cocktail bar I saw a familiar face hidden under a month or more of beard...
Jo ? Is that him? Hoo dear what the hell is he doing here? And what the heck happened to him?. I looked down to the ground and swiftly avoided him....went rushing in the kitchen and there I fund the executive...

"excuse me Chef!, did you see who's in the cocktail bar?" I shouted
"who?" he said
"Jo!! I am sure its him....but what the hell happened to him?! he looks like a tramp!!" I continued
"Hooo yeah ! I know about him! he is suppose to meet the directors...to talk about the new position in the main restaurant!"
"hoo really ??? showing up like that? and after the way he abruptly left?, ho well ...OK then... good luck to him!" I mumbled.

A few days later to the others and my surprise  he started working with  the company again...

News spread  fast like wild fire within the walls of the establishment...I didn't mind to be honest..it was perfectly fine to me unless he talked to me!.

There where days were I had to call down the main kitchen, and he answered the phone, but I had to cope with that...had no choice.

I remember many came to me asking me "is it true that you two don't talk to each other?" "what happened to you?" and many other questions I never answered or at least in full! most of the time my answer would have been,"ask him!!".... I have nothing to say and I don't want to!

"How I wish I could forget the way he treated me..the lies..the pain...He was such a good friend..I trusted him so much....why?..."

Days, weeks and months passed and the festive season were with us again ...Yey!!. Right after New Year's eve dinner  remember I went for a tour around the hotel with Tassu wishing a happy New Year to the other staff on duty....my second target was the Japanese restaurant I wanted to see TaChan and wish her A happy New Year! We kept a close relationship..(what happened a couple of years before was important for the both of us...still is to this day...."somehow").   I pushed  open the back service door,  could hear voices coming from the restaurant, familiar voices I peeped from the pantry door and saw the waitresses tossing a glass of sparkling! Yippee!! I thought... a drink!, just what I need!! I opened the kitchen door that led to the restaurant  door and shouted happy new year!!. Looked on my right and there to my horror saw Him...... Jo ...and Ta Chan having a drink on one of the tables away from the others laughing... joking... flirting . Terry one of the waitresses yelled  "Hotei.... happy New Year" looking at me giving me a soft smile ...most probably knowing what was going on in my head..."happy New Year dear..."  I mumbled, turned my back pushed the door open giving a last stare at Jo and Ta Chan from the corner of my eyes...  Terry and Tassu followed me to the back area calling me "Hotei.....Hotei ! wait! ...wait" grabbed my hand and I looked back at her, confused...not actually sure why ...why I was feeling that bad.....As Terry was about to say something I heard a familiar voice calling my name and a loud door shutting! "Happy New year Hotei!!!"    "Rose!!... hey" ......she grabbed me from my arm and dragged me down the narrow corridor to the Thai restaurant  leaving Terry and Tassu staring at each other not quite knowing what happened!.

Rose Dragged me down the corridor a few metres and halted in front of the Thai restaurant back service door,  as she opened the door I heard a loud " HAPPY NUU YELL" lool it was funny all the Thai kitchen members all a bit drunk tossing whiskey!. "Come dlink!! have a dlink with us!". hehe I'm glad this happened, I'm glad Rose came in at the wrong or perhaps right time, almost dislocating my shoulder as she dragged me down the corridor!,at least for a moment it distracted me and made me smile, I thanked them and left slowly heading back to the next restaurant....gave a big hug to Jessica and off to change I went, better get some sleep must be up in a few hours..have to work lunch too!.

I don't remember sleeping much that night but I felt pretty good and full of energy! I thought about what happened the other night...I acted stupidly...Ta Chan have the right to be happy...after all destiny wanted us apart... although I still loved her deep inside...it was not right on Cassidy....Ta Chan had to carry on with her life .....and I with mine.....but please ...... just not with him please....not with Jo.....

Had no breakfast  but felt like I was not hungry at all!. new years lunch was over and finally I could head back to Cassidy's after three days of not seeing her!! I was feeling exhausted  now,  didn't feel like working dinner but that was part of the job! nothing to do about it!... all I remember is starting the service and then...... black....I could hear the piercing noise of a siren in my head...only opened my eyes founding my self in a white room and people wearing scrubs confused around me...My head hurting like hell.. I focused on the dark shadows around me.... one of them was familiar to me....Cassidy?!... I uttered in a tired voice.....

trough the peephole

stop the light

let darkness be my refuge

there is no point in running 

burnt into my mind 

remember you

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

barer of the light 

the moon was the witness

no others

the moon was our judge

no others

hidden in the shadow of the night

no glimpse of you

 the moon revealed your lair  

there is nowhere to hide 

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

can't you see me?

can't you feel me?

can't you hear me?

I need you !

I feel you 

I want you 

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

may my eyes open

to the light

may I see what you want me to see

may I be your light

trough the peephole

I watch

I follow

I hide

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

thought that the moon was stolen 

now the full moon led me to you

I saw light pouring  out

out of the peeping hole

may the moon lead me to you

I'm the moth attracted to the light

blinded by its brilliance 

craving for you 

may the moon be our witness

hoo month of the moon...

     dawn is screaming  your light away.

and you are blinded by its light....

First picture provided by tumblr

others by Hotei

My Guardian Angel

Alarm rang again today...reached for it to smash it onto the floor  yet again!....woke up to a silent home today.....my parents are away, found a note on the kitchen table on top of a dish that was covered with a tea towel ...."please bake!". Our lunch...well if brother shows up any way!....switched on the coffee machine and the oven and placed the dish in the oven......pie!, mums meat pie I love it ....
Remind me of when I was little...standing up on a chair trying to roll out dough while almost suffocating in  a cloud of flour!! while my siblings where out playing in the yard and dad at work..... . looking back, I don't recognise that family any more, somehow we all grew distant...I can't tell what really happened to us, its like everyone went on his own way and no one ever stooped to look back to see if the others where any near...

Made myself a double espresso and walked back to my room, looked for my camera lead cord in my bedside cabinet, want to see yesterdays pictures, the one I took at the beach yesterday morning.  I came across a pencil sketch I made when I was roundabout 10...my guardian angel, the way I saw it.I remember I felt safe looking at it and thinking that it was looking over me ....sweet memories....forever gone.... a well knit family...

 I can remember quite clearly those days....
.......now that had that nostalgic feeling....reached for my box of memories that  I treasure in my bedside table.

I keep anything of sentimental value in it and some times I need to open it and remember the wonderful old days. I keep anything from an old coin to an old birthday card..to old pictures of my family and pictures of my siblings and me...

You realise how much time passed only when looking back at old photos...I almost forgot when was the last time I took my time to look trough old family pictures, never have much time alone, usually our house is too noisy....washing machine on! radio on !! TV on!!!. not mentioning my brothers kids..screaming, jumping and making uncle swear....God bless them ...  tough sometimes I feel like strangling  them!!but I love those little sods...

Me at the age of 3 ....playing in the bath tub...bitter memories these are....remember a few days later after this picture was taken aunt died of cancer...loved her like my own mother... miss her much. I was just 3 but there was a special bond between us...never forget you...

Same year this was taken....my birthday with my brothers slicing upon a chocolate cake made by mum ....lol I remember her cakes all covered in chocolate and colourful  smarties!!! Lovely memories these are...sometimes I wish I could turn back time and savour once again these moments....

Never had much, we had just enough to get trough the day, we had ourselves supported by the love of a caring mother ....and that 
 was all that we could we ever ask for ...



Hooo this.....me and the little puppy...at my uncles house...a few months later I could have rode that little Doberman puppy!! He was huge!! same size as a pony! he ate like a pony....was strong as one too...

He had a very fierce look !! and very prominent stature! 

Lived a quite long life...so I guess he was a happy and well taken care of "little"dog ...




This is me and the Doberman a few months later .....kidding!!.. :D


Me at our farm....this was a nice way to grow up... especially when the summer holidays were on, I spent days playing and running in the countryside. We had all sorts of farm animals from cows, goat's, chicken, rabbits to ducks. Had a couple of horses too! and occasionally rode them...I don't know what happen to me! nowadays I can't find the guts to ride one :o/ ...



Its sad to think all this is gone, but at least I have these memories to treasure in my heart. We live a short life, we must grasp every moment I suppose. These days are gone and never will come back, but we have the chance to make new moments for me to keep in my box of memories.The future is not far! the future starts tomorrow!!.   

Must return to the reality of the present times close my box of memories and place it safe in the dark of my bedside cabinet, now its time to move and hit the shower! and something tells me that  I better check on that pie!!.

Grown ups need hugs too

 I am back, and ready to share it all again... had to put down my blog for almost a month but now I'm back!! 

It have been a hectic month.. I have been trough a lot these past weeks....I was in denial more then one time....my thanks must go to those who supported me ...Thank you   :)



It all started when Cassidy went on a holiday, I could not be with her cause of  work, in a way,  I was happy, I needed time to clear my mind, I needed "me me time" . I cant recall when  I had two weeks on my own, although it felt awkward not to be with her, somehow I felt it was a good opportunity to discover more my self,  having more time to think.I must admit that at one point in time my brains over worked and almost bursted  for over working them!.here I have to thank my friend Tory...

.....Tory....you perhaps saw a new side of me that you didn't know it could exist. I really needed to let it all out and you were there to listen to me....to my nonsense ..to my whining to my cries!. Thanks for letting my feelings speak, and understanding. I will never ever forget what you have done!, ...and how I could forget the splitting headache that I woke up with the day after we talked? all that amaretto!!! :D. Thanks for distracting me from me!. You somehow knew what I was in need of....

Loved the hairy pussy shave, I found it quite stress relieving. Loved feeding the tiny kittens too!. Loved the board game in the evening, even if I was pitiful!, I was pretty sure it was miss Scarlet!!!  

End of a dream

"If destiny have chosen a path for you, it will keep crossing your path no matter what you do..."

Here I am once again, I just can't stop thinking about it, how this happened. I never asked for this to happen to me, it just happens. May be its the best thing to do....

So you might ask yourself why "End of a dream?". Just imagine your self lost, afraid and scared...have you ever been there? I was there many times I felt this many times, its not easy to get out of its grasp. Imagine yourself, after a year of constant pain, pain that felt to good to walk away from. You knew it will never be real but you kept on dreaming for a year, a long painful year....

Then one day you look up at yourself, and you ask yourself, what are you doing to yourself?. Don't ignore this pain, this pain is real. I thought this thing I called love was real.....
 You try to walk out of it, you know it will be painful, but it always have been painful, it will be just a matter of time until this feeling fades away, just a little time and it ill be gone....with you....

Then when you finally managed to get out of its grasp...this darn thing called destiny slaps you in the face one more time. My hard broken heart started beating again, it was a dream, the start of a dream...

But remember whoever dreams one day will face the truth, waking up!. I blamed it on destiny....but I only have my self to blame..only me, no one else...it felt like the best thing to do to give the blame to someone...so that is why I always blamed it on destiny..

 55 days....Imagine yourself falling asleep.... a long sleep, and you dream for 55 long days....the best dream you ever had! The longer you stay in the land of dreams the harder to come back. But if it was just a dream why does it makes me feel so bad?

I was lucky...I was granted a taste of heaven for 55 days....I could see I could almost feel....but I could not touch....for 55 long days....

The best 55 days of my life, trapped in this world of "make believe". But I regret not a single week, not a single day, not a single moment in this dream..I just regret that I had to wake up...

Wake up from what? it seamed so real! It felt so real, it was real! I was real !!!. If it was from my part I would have never woken up,I would have kept on dreaming....keeping this taste of heaven just for my self...

You sweet angel of mine...you, made this empty hollow man to breath life again...you made him see what there is out of the box....the box...the box he thought this woman was trapped in, but he woke up to find that he was trapped in the box in the first place....it was a dream...and now its the end of a dream...

Dear Diary

Dear diary... today Sunday 15th July, I felt emotionally destructed, I am feeling broken beyond repair .... I had so much on my mind that I couldn't sleep...I kept on thinking on what we said......and about my cold attitude, although  I meant nothing of what I said...but dear, you are not allowed to know any of this! .....this day will remain frozen in my head for ever.

Dear diary....today Tuesday 25th July, ten days  passed since I said goodbye ....I feel much better today, and I think I am ready to let it go, once and for all ...at least deep inside I hope so ..or wish so...

I have so much to learn from this, so much happened, so much to regret, so much to cherish....Forget ? No! I don't want to forget, although it have been painful, I have way to many nice memories to look back at .....

I was strong for almost a week ...but  ....one time ...I was weak!! I wanted so badly to see your smile again ..secretly looked up at your pictures on facebook ...when will you decide to put security up? hope soon ...hope never ......

Only God knows many times I wondered if I ever crossed your mind..even for a second....one thing I am concerned about is that since I said goodbye...you never updated none of your profiles....some how I'm worried, has something happened to you?

Dear Diary...last week right after the day I said farewell .......I was tired beyond imagination ...been awake almost 26 hours  ...but promised Cassidy that we will go to a festival, and a promise is a promise....

Year after year we joined our friends to this festival... it have become a yearly tradition! Everyone was there  except for Tory, I hope she shows up!! will she?.......I reached for my phone and texted her...
                                                                                                                               

"Hey Tory I be at the festival.....shall I see you there?" 

                      "Hey Hotei!!! I'm on my way..."


I felt empty...walked without a pattern... wondered and wondered among the stalls....I was to tired....to think....to tired to pick up just one thought as tiny as it may be...

As I was looking at the distant lights of the city below...  savouring a glass of red .. suddenly Tory came  ......Hotei !! she called......Tory hugged me and hugged her back squeezing her tight...
It was nice that she came too.."haven't seen you in ages" I said!!
"Its like we'r not living on the same island" she replied smiling.

Now our group got larger! way to many ..I was too tierd to keep track of what was going on and what was being said....and besides was not really interested in what was being said my head was elsewhere. 

Tori held my hand and slowly dragged me away ..then she walked faster.....then she started running ...... laughing as she looked back at me........then she stopped, and said "what about Cassidy? ...what if she see us now?" 
"and what are we doing wrong?" I replied! she smiled back at me and started walking again....

We found our selves in a relatively quiet area...I sat on the edge of the bastions looking at the crowd....

You started to open your self bout the girl you where falling for how confusing and frustrating this is. ..asking me if I  could understand this....If only you knew how much I do .no one more then me could understand you more. I have been hiding all this deep inside only God knows how many times I tried to tell you..or even hint what was going inside my head ...sharing how broken I feel dear Tory you are the only one I can ever trust..

"How much I wish I could share what I have been through dear Tory...I know you are the only one that could understand what I feel.....I've been pretending this was not real.....but the pain I feel is ..."

Dear diary you know?  we're part of a story, part of a tale....we're all on this journey called life....sometimes beautiful and sometimes insane....but whatever we do is never in vain.....and no one is to know the way.......

Hotei!! found you at last......

The lights of Lisbon...(part 1)

The heat finally gave in....tonight was cooler  .....as I drove back home the roads where quite, the wind feels nice as I drive.... tried looking up at the stars reduced speed to be able to see those sparkly dots, but the the lights from the city almost made them fade away..... that made me remember of something happened to me ......stepped down on gas...faster...faster...I want to get home soon ......I cant let this get out of my head! As I got home made my self a coffee and went to my room...

Sweet darling ...I once said " If destiny have chosen a path for you, it will keep crossing your path no matter what you do..."

I sometimes think destiny is a bitch! it made me suffer for no reason! all my life I had to fight, to stay afloat!
Every single thing I did, had to do it the hard way, at least that is from my point of view...
You know darling.....many times I blamed it on you and many other times I blamed it on destiny....I never thought it could have been my fault. I ...I want to be always a winner, but that is not possible....we win in our time ....we achieve and learn to appreciate the small wins! that way we are always winners!.

You know darling .....I was so scared and frightened when I said goodbye, I never, ever thought I could feel that way...not in a million years......
was I sacred for the fact that I was leaving you? or for the fact to come to the crude reality? 


For these questions relatively simple but yet hard to explain when it comes to give answers to them, that "thing" called destiny made me meet two angels,so that I could face this...they came just in time...as destiny heard my cry for help......even if they are afar I feel them so closely to me.


Sweet darling....deep inside me I feel this was not the end ....who knows..."you fought for me to stay" ...and that made me raise up more questions. 
Sweet darling...may be one day that bitch of destiny will make us cross  paths again.....I wish that that day never comes.....but yet thinking  that it will never come it breaks me. 


Sweet darling I might call your name one day yet again.....




.................

retrospective...

 Speaking  my mind...

I felt insulted and hurt to the core with his words. I am not saying I am right and that he was wrong, but that it was not the way to do it !! It might have been true that I loved Ta Chan, but I never betrayed any one! I never had an affair with her while with Cassidy.So he implied false statements!  I can be anything I can be selfish, proud,snobby, rude and much more, but not true!?,  no that is not me ....(at least I was made that way back those days...).
Nowadays not speaking to Joe is just a matter of pride! none of us want to admit he's wrong or say sorry for what happened. It makes me sad not only for the fact that today the memory is so faint, and doesn't carry much importance. Nowadays I say he was just drunk, and that made him say stupid things. I do feel bad when I picture his face and the way he pointed his finger at me! but the moment soon fades away.
I am sure that he never implied on Ta Chan to whom she can talk especially when it was me! but I always feel embarrassed to talk to her when he is around!. Cassidy is different, she talks to him and  many  times offers him a beer if we accidentally meet in a pub or restaurant. She obviously don't know the whole story, I never told her about it, I just say we had a work clash and we never found a compromise to sort things out! same story with Ta Chan over again...Cassidy just carries on with them ....
God knows how many times my friends and his have been "intermidiators" to try to make us talk again, but I'm too stubborn!. As I once said (mentioned) I tend to create a shell a harder skin on the out side, once I say no, NO it is !! and there is no way to make me change my mind! the more you try the more I be "act" stupidly!.
I sometimes wish I had just accepted his apologies there and then...but would you have accepted them if it happened to you?. I was so angry deep inside that I couldn't, it would have solved many future issues if I did, but then again, I would have not been in peace with my self....I would have felt I was a lie ! and unfortunately I can't lie ...at least I couldn't back then (Not that I lie on daily basis mind you !!) but I come to a point were I have started believing in those tiny "white lies".

A lie for a good reason is not a lie! is it ?.

Now I don't want to embark on a guilt trip...but perhaps one of the main reasons for this blog was a "lie" if it was not so I wouldn't hide my true identity. I needed some where to empty the heavy sack I was crying on my back. Its a bit like the hole of king Mida's (the king that was punished by Apollo with donkey ears) I had to speak so I sheltered my self in this refuge, where I found that I could whisper my thoughts my stories to (hoping  that a tree don't grow and whispers all of my deepest secret).  but if it did..... Joe I want you to know  that I'm sorry.....

A trip !!

After a year of dating Cassidy her family asked me I'f  I would have wanted to join them on the annual  holiday. I accepted very happily !! :)
So they opted for Tunisia .....back those days it was a very popular destination and a cheap one too!!.
I remember even exchanging money ! the bank gave us 4 dinnars for each 100cents  (we still didn't have Euro back then). That is equivalent to one dinnar for every 30 euro cents !! pretty good huh?? :op

It started on a .......ho God....."Tuninter" It looked like a post war air-plane !! with patches just like on a cartoon !! It seated may be 45 or 60 cant remember ..
It was ok.... after a scary flight and a very bumpy landing !
Climate was amazing was warm but not as hot as back home!
We took a taxi from the airport to the hotel, a 3 star just next to "port el kantaoui ".
port el kantaoui is a huge tourist complex, very well made and well kept! :D

so there we were her mum and dad, Cassidy and her younger brother and me!! ^^  hooo and I have forgotten her grand parents too!!

The adventure begin! 

At reception... a huge misunderstanding... they gave us just  a room ! a huge room but not what we wanted ! they fitted 7 beds!! it was like a dormitory!!

well they had no other room available and we had stay in it  for the night ! they would have fixed the problem in the morning ! and so it happened! 

they gave us 3 rooms one for mum and dad, one for her grand parents and a triple for us !

It was just great !   

It was the first time that I could sleep in the same bed with Cassidy,  that it self was a huge  thing for me !!

we I ...ok ...ok we had her brother with us ...but I guess that is the disadvantage of  being raised up in a highly catholic society!!! No sleeping or flesh consumption before marriage! ...sigh ...

Well no problem !! I had just the right thing to fix the problem in my bag !! I had bought along 3 bottles of vodka !! That would have put the little brother to a deep sweet sleep!! :)

And that is what happened ..as the night came we stuffed him up with a few good shots (just  enough to ....hum that we had to carry him to bed!) 

  
It was  exiting ...the fact that it was  risky ! making love while her brother was fast asleep just next to us ! sometimes I could have swear'd I saw him looking at us ! while our bodies frictioned against each other, especially when she slipped a scream!. But I guess that was part of the fun !! :P

...early in the morning as the sun was rising over the horizon.. that it could be seen from our room,  I remember her slipping her  hand from under the covers, reaching for my ...hum well ....Morning wood!. That was ok until the messy part came !! and the need to clear up the evidence before her brother woke up!!

I was young ...well both of us were :P ..
this was one of the best time of our life :) 
The trill ...the passion it just seemed to escalate day by day ...I will never forget the days we spent Together every single moment I treasure it like a pearl ...a rare pearl in the chest of my heart safe guarded by my soul ....

It was an amazing week but just like good things it must come to an end ...so it was back to ....hooo God Tuninter ...

weather got hummmm BAD !!!! and the flight was anything but pleasant!! almost every one on board got sick and I remember for the first time in my life I prayed ...    

Forever?

Now that winter was here I had more time off, as the low season began. 

That meant that I had more time to spend with Cassidy,and the more time we spend with someone we like the more attraction there is. It was a cold day with rain showers every now and then but we decided to go for a walk, had a beer at our favourite pub and headed to the beach just a few minutes away from there. 

We sat on the rocky ground.The wind was cold as it came from the sea every now and then surprised by a droplet of ice cold sea water on our faces.

Wrapped our arms to keep each other warm as we looked up at the starry  night. 

Exchanged a kiss.  Looked in each others eyes.Kissed again.

Our breath became more heavy as the intensity of our kisses grew. 

Kissed her forehead..her neck ..

Slowly she slipped her hand from under my jersey and hugged me tight. 

I replied by doing the same and ran my fingers from the bottom of her back up to her neck along the spine..this made her shiver and breath even more deeply. 

I kissed her and kissed her over and over again, I heard her saying please be gentle and she placed my hand on her jeans button. 

I un-buttoned them and pulled them a little, she un-buttoned mine!

my hand moved into her underwear and felt her warm body...

(although it was a cold night I don't remember I had felt any cold at all!)  She sank down onto the rocks and pulled me over her..kissed her and kissed her over and over as I unzipped and slowly pushed my self inside her..."my heart pounded deeply into my head" our bodies shivered not for the cold, but for the intensity of the moment!  

She tightly held to me and moaned softly. Although it was not the first time for me it felt like it was the first time! Drops of rain came down from heaven may be as a sign to bless that special moment. The moment got more intense ..we placed our selves nearer and nearer till our souls touched each others.

The rain got more heavy  now..I whispered...

                                   I will love you forever...

      please don't hurt me..

                                                            never leave me..

 The rain kept  getting stronger..as we looked to each other , without saying a word started dressing up again pulling up our now soaking wet cloths I noticed...It was the first time for her..

she gave me what most was precious to her... 

Picture google images 

Under my skin

Love!

I decided that the best thing  was to be just friends with Rose and stop the wild relation (I'm afraid as I start to have doubts or fear I create a shell and lock my self waiting like a seed for the first rain to sprout again).

So if that is so, all I had to do was waiting for the first drop of rain...and that is what happened!. The rain came under the name and form of Cassidy!... 

Have to admit that she stole my heart with her kindness, her smile, her sharp eyes..she could read me like an open book, decided to have no secrets and I shared all with her. We dated over and over again (even if back that time it was difficult since I still didn't have a driving  licence). Looking back now after almost eight years..there are things I would change things I wish I never have done, but that would have meant that I  would never be the person I am today! All happen for a reason I guess. I don't regret meeting Cassidy never  I did...

I used to call it a delicate relationship, it was different from the one's I had before, the others went on so fast that sometimes I couldn't have the time to think things over.  For the first time I felt really loved! but would I love back?

Yes sure ...I could ...one night while watching fire works over the harbour we promised love to each other, I couldn't control the strong emotion this nice feeling inside. I remember I asked her not to ever leave and as she said as long as you never leave me! I cried, cried and hugged her for a long while in the dark....darkness..only broken for a few seconds by the colourful flashes in the sky.

(This was and still is a beautiful memory and still lives....Its is nice to remember....and now to share. Something  withstood the proof of time...eight years from that day...eight? or seven?....seven living the dream  one....living the lie....).

Picture google images  

A new beginning

Love can wait, but it can't wait for ever.

As the days, weeks and months passed my wounds started healing, it was a slow recovery as Ta chan was a deep cut into my flesh.

My mourning period was coming to an end as my heart started beating again.

I have to admit that sometimes I had moments that I felt like someone just removed a vital part of me...and other days I felt like  hate growing inside me, may be for the fact that Ta chan was back with her (ex) boy friend, I hated the fact that she did accept him back, the engagement story took my hate to a whole  different level!!

"I have to be happy for her" I used to tell my self, he's the jerk not her. She's the sweetest creature on this earth. 

"A date?"

Five months have passed since Ta chan left. Cassidy was back working in the office, she was shocked at the news. She loved her too "how cant you love such an angelic person?". Cassidy knew Ta chan was a special person to me, so to make me feel better she invited me out for a movie with her boyfriend and an other friend. Well something happened and we ended up alone! not that I wished to be with her unsociable boyfriend really!. It was a nice night out we had time to talk over a coffee after the movie and get to know each other perhaps a little more "deeply".
A few days later she Invited me for a (b.b.q) on the beach, I accepted. It was a lovely summer evening that turned to an amazing night with music, food and good company.... excluding Cassidy's boyfriend!.   

From what I could see she wasn't very keen on him, (don't blame her!).

It was getting chilly and every one started cuddling up and covering in blankets, well except me!.
Decided to walk along the sea side on the soft sand as the waves delicately moved up and down the coast, the water was ice cold even-tough weather was warm it was still too cold to swim, it felt good, the sound of the sea distant music soft sand. The sky was covered with tiny crystals, sat down on the humid sand and sank my feet into it. I slowly sank down face up looking at  the sky, I  made my self comfortable took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"What are you doing there all alone?" I opened my eyes and smiled at Cassidy, "stargazing!" I replied.
"Can I join?" she continued "yes sure!" she placed her self next to me as I sat up facing the sea.
We were both silent for a few minutes then I started drawing on the sand and she joined that "creative" moment with me we drew funny images and as we laughed we looked at each other and exchanged a soft kiss. Soon her boyfriend came looking for her...anyway it was getting late and the transport was soon coming to pick us up. She looked back at me  as she was dragged away near the others..

What I was doing? was I repeating the same mistake? destiny, destiny you call my name again to your presence...

      Picture google images