In love again.

For so many years I locked my self and neglected my own self and most of all I ignored my loved one. Now it was the ideal time to make something and revert all this and make up for the time lost.

The only logical ting was to spend as much time as possible with each other, after all for years we left many things unsaid and left our relationship deteriorate slowly, without doing anything about it. Perhaps I have to blame my own self for this, she always gave me all of herself and all that she had, now it was time to give her something back.

Slowly we started coming closer again, it kind of felt like a new feeling discovering it for the first time... 

At the end of summer left for a small retreat just the two of us our destination was London. I can remember it very clearly, I was so trilled only left the island 5 years before, I have....we have changed so much during these years I felt like rediscovering my own self. It have been a very long time since we had time to be close and alone. Making love the first night felt different, I was different, she was different I felt  like a stranger in my own skin. Perhaps I needed more time to come out of this, it was a slow recovery and the most ting I hated about it was that it was not allowing me to see her feelings clearly, I could not feel the warmth I was used to, she felt somehow distant.

I watched her sleep that night, I could not sleep, my mind was crowded with thoughts. I had it all I thought, I now let it all go. I felt ashamed of my own self, she deserved better I thought. That night we were on the same bed but yet felt distant...there I promised that I will give her more of myself.

Each day that passed we found more and more of what made this flame start, making love now became more of what I used to know, no longer I felt ashamed of laying beside her in her sleep. It felt safe to hold hands again nothing could harm us or break us apart.

Just like every journey it had to come to an end, mine was no difference. Came back home brand new, overflowing with emotions, one of the best feelings I ever felt in my entire life. We were in love again, just like the first time.

 As we found each other again and our long lost feelings, destiny had something lurking for us that would make our world crumble and fall, just like a very sick joke played softly like a lullaby by a stronger and bigger force something that only time had power over it... 

Pictures by tumblr

Light...

On the day of my exit I did not look back, I felt this proud feeling about my self deep inside me. It felt like the best thing I could do for my self and the people who are around me and love me. Now I could take back my life, now I could sail back this boat to shore after the long tedious journey.

But no matter how much I have tried, no matter what I did I felt still overwhelmed by this anger deep inside me. I still hated the people ho tried to make my life miserable, and the more I thought about it the more it grown. I could not take it, I have never harmed anyone for personal gain, but there I was, a victim of their greed and selfishness, I was weak so that was my punishment, I deserved to feel miserable.  

At home it was not any different, I preferred to be alone I needed the time to be alone. Time...now I had time, time to think more to the point of nausea. Have this thick skin I'v grown suffocated the man trapped inside it?.  It took me days to realise I was out of the tunnel, I looked and searched for the life I have left unlived 5 years before. But I could not find it, all the friends I had left were all gone, no one was left to wait for me, and contacting them was not going to help, they surely must have forgotten about me, why would they remember?. They left me behind them as they continued living their lives or was I to leave them as I never replied to them, or I was simply to busy with my work building a future ignoring my past, leaving alone what I had to leap in the dark and maybe make a future out of it. All alone again I was in no different position  from the work I have just left. Would my act be waisted in vain?.

Then found help, a help that was always near me but I was to blinded to see. I was cold and I was many times bitter to her, I have left questions of hers un-answered. Many times I just started an argument to be able to escape and be alone again and safe in my dark corner, safe from the light of this new world, this new life I have now started living. Only God knows how many times I made her cry with my cold attitude, but she instead of turning her back on me...she smiled and showed me that she still cared for me, that there was something still worth to live for, and most of all that we still shared the same dream that we once started dreaming a while back.

By the time I have opened my eyes, she started loosing hope, effected by my selfishness and stubbornness. Or maybe realising that I was now waking up from this long, deep nightmare I trapped myself in, decided to make me have a taste of my own bitter behaviour. And how I can blame her for that?. She slapped me back to me asking nothing in return, only to be treated like a human being with feelings should be treated, not just indifference and neglect.

Pictures by tumblr

Once upon a chapel's step

"Wait!... stop there" Cassidy told me, holding my hand and calling our stroll in the city to a halt.
 Looked back at her and asked her what was the matter.
"Walk... go a little further, she said smiling".
I walked a couple of passes and looked back at her again .."what? what is it?" I asked her.
 "Nothing silly...you have grown a beard! she said laughing".
 "And now you notice?" I replied smiling.
She laughed and walked next to me "meant, you have grown quite a lot since last time we walked down these stairs".
"Right!" I said.....


Took out my trusted camera and snapped a picture of the "scenario" as a reminder...

Time really flies, almost 9 years ago I exchanged one of my very first kiss with Cassidy on the doorsteps of this chapel...

On the door step of this chapel, followed my dream's.

On these steps I wished for something real.

Then set fire to the dream's I so longed for. 

Now  here I am backtracking what I lost.

On these steps I dreamt a life, a happy life. 

Looking back at the past 9 years I notice how much we both have changed, how much we have grown. Perhaps our feelings changed too. Its different when you see life from the eyes of a young man, growing up you start realising that life can be no fairytale. There is much that can lead a relation to crumble. 

"Want to do what we left undone 9 years ago?" Cassidy asked me smiling. 

"And what we have left undone?" I smiled back.

                                                               And then we kissed...

Today I look back and can see the path I have chosen, I can see it but I cant take the same path back. I have so much to hold onto, I have made so many mistakes, I have lost direction many times, but guess that makes me only human. I have come so far, we have learnt so much from each other on this adventure called life... 

  

  

Picture by Hotei

The beginning of the end

When a bird is alive it eats ants and when a bird is dead, ants eat the bird, time and circumstances can change at any time. Don’t devalue or hurt anyone in your life. You may be powerful today but remember that time is more powerful then you. One tree makes a million match sticks but only one match stick is needed to burn down a million trees. 

So be good and do good. 

The End... 

What a relief!, I was now free (or almost free!) gave 11 years of service to the company, I had no extra days off in 5 years!, except when Cassidy was in hospital.
I was called by the directors and the management for a meeting, they offered me more money, but I refused them on the spot. All I wanted was to get out of there, I worked far too long and under the worst circumstances, more then anyone could take!.

By law had to work a notice period, and to my disbelief I had to suck it in for an other 3 months!. It was either that way or pay 3 months of notice!. I was happy to pay a 3 months notice to the company...but then I thought (why?). I sweated my ass off for so many years, I gave all that I had, sacrificed so much!. I proposed a deal. And to my more disbelieve they accepted!. They freeking accepted!!!. My proposal was, that I work for 3 months, but only a 40 hour!, they can forget the 60 hour a week!, and I wanted my leave balance to be paid! I never took any leave in 5 years   that meant I had over a year of balance left!.

And so it was, I many times regretted the fact I made such a proposal, and many times I wanted to kick my own self, but then I used to tell my self, (you stood for so many years, what 3 months mean now? and besides I'm working only 40 hours a week).

The others... what happened to them?...

Joe, remained at the hotel, after my resignation promoted to sous chef. He moved living in with Ta Chan. 

Ta Chan, Left the hotel after a few months I left, her and Jo living together . who knows perhaps wedding bells are in the air?.  

Jessica, resigned after 6 months I did, now working more happy and less stressed and perhaps she have more time to spend with her family....and especially her son. 

Tassu, left the country and went working in the UK, he is now father of two beautiful children. 

Rose, left the island for a holiday in Germany, now married to a German man, last I heard from her said she will make a come back soon. 

Tomo Chan, resigned from the hotel the same week I did, now happily working in a small restaurant, last time I saw her she was enjoying her meal in the restaurant I am working in, her son enjoyed the kitchen tour I gave him and loved sending the orders out!. 

Rosanna, happily married in Switzerland now a proud mother of 3 kids. 

Chef Kazu, back in Japan opened his 3rd sushi restaurant in Hiroshima!. Proud dad of daughter Luna.    

Taka, back to Japan,  happy married father of two kids. 

Vince, Not happily married, the new position got into him now the director of a major 5* hotel. 

SiSi, still working at the hotel, just had her daughter wedding last summer. 

Clint, took over my position for a month then left the hotel to work in a new opened restaurant, bribed some of the staff to join him. He was fired a week after the opening of the restaurant  unable to find job on the island due to his reputation he now seeks fortune in the UK.  

Chef, still working at the hotel, received a message if I wanted to go back....my answer? FUCK YOU !! :) 

Nigel, never heard from him since...

Therese, separated from her husband, found love on the island, fighting for custody of her children, last time I had a chat with her she said she was missing her children quite badly and was dying to go back to the Philippines!.




From this moment onwards my story will change dramatically, the long introduction was necessary for you to understand me and get a picture of my personality. Also I wanted to write it all down as a reminder, for me to be able to look back and see how long I have come.

It was an ode to love, my love for Cassidy, an apology to her for turning to such a jerk many times. I may not have mentioned it much but I love her, I do...and despite what happened I was always loyal to her and I'm sure she was to me. I may have "betrayed" her trust in a way many times, I may have many times walked away from her, but I loved her ...I was always true. True with her true with me true with you!. Even if many times I was silent and distant, the flame that started 9 years ago still burns.

To those that I have addressed many posts, I want to let you know that my feelings never changed, what I said I still believe, and you will always be a vital part in my life. The feelings I felt will always be imprinted in my heart, mind and soul.  Wish many times we had not said goodbye, as I miss you much. And this silence pains me a lot. Perhaps one day you will understand my feelings, that I carried and still carry.

And here I call the end of my long bumpy journey. I shared the ups and downs of my life with you my friends. This is the end of the first chapter, and the beginning of a new one.  

Pictures by google images and tumblr

Now and always...

Letting it go, is this all about?.  My dear, Guess I know what are you trying to do... I finally understand, and I don't blame you for doing so, I caused you anything but happiness...I wish if you could listen, I wish if you could stay... perhaps stay... forever. 

I never thought this could change never thought I see the day you going away..and in such a cold way. Then I sit and think, I was a cold person, I was far and distant..never meant to be but I guess it felt that way...all I have left are the nice memories of you to hold onto, your smile, your laughter, your eyes and your voice...

But my darling if you'll have to go please do not say you'll leaving, that would be to much to take...
I was left with a bitter sweet felling never I though I would. This silence is just to much sometimes it hurts my head, thinking I said something wrong...guess I did something wrong, the way I hang up on you last time, after all I wish that moment never ended.. my heart pounded so hard as you called my name again.  

I just want to let you know that I be here waiting for you, no matter how much time this will take, I be silently waiting even if it means forever for what happened will never be erased. 

Sometimes I think if I have stayed longer to hear...longer to listen....would you be here today?. This may look like time all waisted in vain.. why I did not stay? ...why did you have to go?.   

My darling this is not a goodbye...

Picture  by tumblr

Autumn leaves...

"Just like the last  Autumn leaf falling to the ground  your silence is the sign of the end..".

Many nights I have seen the sun setting over me and rising on her, although she's far, I felt her near.
Many times I heard  you breath in my head, watched you sleep, you watched me sleep...
How many times I watched dawn?  and how many times  you watched the fall of dusk?.
How many times I missed you...how many times you missed me?.

Now it feels like its hard to breath...I cant find my peace of mind.
Collecting the leaves that fall to freeze her memory  as Winter fall,
You wandered long, travelled so far, to the end of the world, followed your heart.

Can't leave this past behind, in my memories your image lives.
Like Autumn leaves, making love before they hit the ground.

Tell me now my dear, is this all for real? 

You say your happy... you look pretty good...
You said you'll call me...I promised that too...
But none of us dared to break the silence that Autumn brought..we just watched Winter fall...

Sweet.... sweet romance, warm and bright... an old feeling, but yet so new, lingers in my head... imprinted in my heart...

The warm flame of romance soon died as the last Autumn leaf felled to the ground.

If winter melts away there will be chance for more romance?

                                                                                 I see... chances are so few....

"I'v watched  the sun rising on you and its now it sets on me..".

Pictures by DeviantArt and tumblr

 

Dear Lisbon

I don't know what hurts more...to love and not be loved back or loosing love....

Got out of bed and still half asleep made it to the kitchen, made my self tea...yeah TEA, not coffee as usual!. Then made it to the bathroom opened the cold water that now is freezing cold, but have to say that made the trick!. Looked in the mirror, stared at my reflection with blood shot eyes and dark circles, tired from lack of sleep and the long hours staring at an idle laptop screen.

I can't just ignore these voices in my head, I must share, I must remove these thoughts I have...I must face the ghost of you.








Dear Lisbon,


I wish to share a few thoughts with you. I might have overreacted  last time. Guess I gave you no time to reply, to answer my 100 questions in 1 minute!.  I reflected and thought a lot during the day.. then to hear your voice after such a long time, to be able to hear you breath and giggle in my ears. I can't get you out of my head yet again, your voice still resonates in my head leaving me with a bitter sweet migraine. 

What is it that constantly makes you come back, now somehow, somewhat even more determined  then ever?. Now you plan to come to me... I'm scared to face it...I'm scared to face you.  What is it that I feel?. This feeling inside is new, yet I know it somehow. Its like to explore something that is forbidden to me something that I was never supposed to have...and now, its in sight and can't wait to grab it and make it mine!. 

Yet this is just a dream nothing else nothing more. One day I'll wake from this dream, to find out the truth. 

Yours... the pawn of destiny 

Picture by tumblr

Castle of glass

Dear listeners of whispers sorry for my moments of rage but had to get this off my chest! 

so please bare with me here...

oooh!! and by the way this is not "Emo" talk its just setting my thoughts free... 

-------o------

"I have promised myself not to fall again for you. It took me months to built a castle...... a castle of glass".

I can't remember how many sleepless nights I've gone trough, what I have sifted in my mind,  how many nights I slept only to dream of you. I built a castle to protect my self, I choose glass to built it...the purest ...the clearest...now its cracked with just a single word ..."I love you" ....

A wise woman once told me "if you love some one you'll do anything to be with this person, no matter what". I do agree now with her words more then ever. I look back and I see myself... I was ready to leave my world, all I had...all I worked so hard for. For just a feeling...not even sure if it would be exchanged back, but I didn't care!. I discovered the cold truth...that you knew no love!. Something I knew deep inside me and never wanted to come close to it and admit it. Now your back saying you'll do anything for me....where are you then?.

I put at steak my sanity, my dignity, my life.. all I had ..all I am...
Then you left!.... leaving me here wondering if I was the bad guy....like I was the one to crush this world..tare up dreams...then you come to me and tell me "I love you"...I know what love is! I don't need you to show me...what are you hungry for is not love....I told you many times...more then I can remember, sex and love are too different things....
You say you know the difference...then proof it! Dare what you have never dared to do! follow your wildest dreams, chase this crazy dream...follow your destiny...or change your own destiny as you say!.
 I be waiting...here I stand with my arms wide open waiting for you. Or are you afraid to?.

Truth is you left me thinking...you where gone for days...weeks..months and now your back saying you love me.... you want me!. How can I know what you say is real? how can I know?.

It took me months to wash away the poison from my skin, you left a bitter taste in my mouth...yet I still craved for you...  more.

You know I'm weak, you know I'll fall...after all I'm just human as much as tough I might show I am. I am a person of pride...I am may be to naive, I am may be to real for this world full of masks...says the man with the hidden name...

Every one we meet leaves a trail a print in us, as much as insignificant that print is...its there, you can ignore it but its still there.

You say you love me ...I say I don't want to love you..its a lie I know..... its a lie..... I made up this lie , but I happen to love this lie....

Darling I have gone to far to go back now...but I can change the ending to this tale, as once I said "we are part of a story, part of a tale but no one is to blame". 

These words are funny to come out of me, me who saw your face in every corner, heard your voice carried with the wind.....this time I'll work with my head my darling, my heart will follow.... there will be no more cracks in my castle walls.....

pictures by tumblr 

continuation from the lights of Lisbon

mists of time

Days seemed to go by slowly, as if time had lost its rhythm. Felt I had so much in my head that I could not pick one single thought and analyse  it . For months I have done what was in my power to make her feel better, even if I felt helpless many a times. Looking back at this episode in my life is... a painful one, but yet I remember how closer this made us grow.

Months gone by and soon I had to be back to work and back to my busy daily routine, still all the happened was stuck in my mind. Her too had to head back to work, all was back to normal again.

A year later...all looked pretty good Cassidy's situation was under control, taking her daily pills and doing her monthly visit at the hospital.... until one fine day she refused to take any more pills and stopped going to her visits...as much as I tried she wouldn't listen to me..and never did to this very day...but hopefully the problem will never rise again...I pray for it not to happen again....

A year later....back with our work and daily life almost forgetting what we have been trough, our love grew each day that passed. I felt like I have accomplished an Herculean task!.

Its hard to be in the sight of death especially when you have a young age,  knowing what would happen and see your life plans and dreams fade away...crumbling...crushing one after the other like a domino effect...The only thing her and me had left to hold on was us...our love to believe we could overcome this..no matter what...

Picture tumblr

Just a quick share...

I cannot believe its almost Christmas, time really fly!.  Yesterday I sent my entry in a short story contest on a blog suggested by my friend Gwanni. I thought it was ok to share this tiny episode of my life, and want to be honest with you, I felt pretty nostalgic while writing it. Thought I was ready to share, thought I had gone past the emotions... guess not...

Will not share the story on my blog...not yet at least...I feel like its not the time yet..and for those who know me,  guess you'll get a glimpse of what I mean here....

Seems  like yesterday that I have started writing, had a schedule to follow but guess you can never have a scheduled when it comes to write  your emotions down.

"Dear all, one more thing....keep in mind in your prayers a friend of mine that in this times needs strength to go on....I'm not a believer but I will pray anyway...may your thoughts and mine be with her and help her go trough this....".

Picture tumblr

Her smile still lingers

"Back from my two day retreat, have to admit I definitely needed two days away from it all!. No phone no Internet and no TV .. nothing at all !!. Weather had no mercy on us, as it was really cold and windy, plus we had constant showers of rain and hale!. But all considered it was fun and had time to think and most important rest!"

I laid in bed early the first night, perhaps it was the long day and the couple of glasses of port wine that made me feel heady. Was waken up by a loud sound of thunder early in the morning maybe a little past midnight, stood up and walked to the balcony to look outside in the darkness. Looked down but could barely see a thing... to dark!. Darkness only broken by the blinding flashes in the distance right over the sea, a storm was heading our way, but I felt pretty safe and warm in my room. Pulled the curtains closed shut and went back to bed and tucked myself very well under the covers. It took a few minutes for my eyes to get used to the dark, but then shadows and reflections started to re-emerge slowly again. Stared at the ceiling  listening to the silence of the night disturbed only by the sound of the howling wind and the sound of the rain. 

  I thought and wondered as I could not help it, all of the happenings that happened  these past months, how much I have been trough.

 I looked to my left and watched her sleep with a smile on her face, turned facing her and closed my eyes to hear her breath. Reached for her hand and held it in mine, somehow she seemed to know I was holding her hand and moved closer to me resting her head on my pillow, close enough to be able to feel her warm breath on my shoulder. I could not look away from the sight of her deep in her sleep, I wondered what she was dreaming about, what made that smile appear on her face?. Kissed her on her forehead, the more I looked to her in her sleep the more I wondered... suddenly felt an urge to write! I wanted to get it of my chest...but my lap was back at home, so I tried to release my mind from these thoughts...

Guess I somehow felt asleep and woke up a few hours later at around 3 AM, She was holding me from my waist with her both arms, tried to turn to face her but I was afraid to wake her up, so I stood still. Again, thoughts and feelings started to come back to me, I wondered if it was right to hide it all from her. Months ago I was ready to tell her everything but then, I thought better not, as the world and life we are used to will have to change, perhaps in an unrepairable way. But who am I to make such a choice? Who am I to alter this?. 

"A year ago I wanted to have a world of my own...now I want you part of this world...but I'm afraid to show who I have become...so sleep well my dear keep that smile on your face....keep dreaming the sweet dream your dreaming...".

It will always be me, no matter what name or face I hide behind...I am just looking at the world from a different perspective. Now...I'm actually listening...listening and listening  to the sound of silence that is still.  

picture by tumblr

Fragile

"Fragile..... we are so fragile I know its a bit (cliché) but we are like candles in the wind , sometimes we try to hold on to this life, fight for our life.....but at the end of the day  we are just so fragile..".

Look at the cliffs near the sea, big and strong but with each wave; sometimes gentle... sometimes furious it  eats them away. I don't want to be eaten away by the waves that are hitting my shores. I see life unfolding before my eyes and I feel helpless, I can't stop time...but I can live in this time, I can try and make something out of it...I say every day ..every extra day we get is a bonus so might as well not waist it and live,  make the most out of it...ohh yes the most ...not less. Learn from yesterdays mistakes it will prepare us for tomorrow's.

Pawns in the hand of destiny are we?. In this life we meet people of all sorts of shapes and sized every one made in its special way, everyone with his or her characteristic some good others less...
I have always tried to live good live and let live always have been my motto... but there were times that I did forget this idealism and turned, changed to someone I did not know...

That is what happened to me after the long  tiring battle for life..I could not take one more thing I blamed it on everything including myself  instead of fighting it back I surrendered to it... raised a white flag. What made me go on was her, the look in her eyes...the fact that no matter what happened she kept strong even tough she new nothing was going to be the same any more. Destiny blocked this road? screw it we go around it!.   I would not be the man I would be today if it was not for you, I many times don't show and many times ignore the call of you...many times you been patient even if you had the right and reason not to be. For that I am grateful. Even the choices I'v made I learnt not to regret try.... not to at least.


Dear life, 
When sometimes I'm alone I wonder how funny this life is...every time we need something or someone...and we make a call from deep within our soul...our call for help is heard.... a shoulder on the west..... a warm smile and a beating heart to the east ... strength from across the ocean .......and support  from the north...
                                                                              ...yours Hotei.


I'm not afraid to be fragile as its a sign I have feelings...

Can you hear me?

You listener of whispers

this post is very special to me, as it narrates a very special story

happened to me a while back

it is written in a very cryptic way ,

but soon, very soon it will make sense to you too.

Would like to thank Horus from the blog Diary Of My Shadows

for hosting this very important text on his diary.

And as a gift to you listeners, I uploaded more Whispers

on story lane

Listen to my whispers

Hope you like it

Don’t forget to turn your sound on!

Yours Hotei 

300 miles apart....

Solitude

You know the feeling when you feel lost and alone even-tough you are not alone?

The moment when you feel the cold rain on your naked body and feel alive...?

Feel that someone is there with you ...near....more then you can ever imagine?.

The Boy That Turned To A Man ...

One day a boy was wondering in the woods after a long time of absence....he looked around him and noticed that the woods have changed in these years..noting was familiar any-more...he decided to explore, and wonder in the woods alone....the boy got lost in the woods for many years …..that boy was“me”.

300 miles apart

I want to play a game

I want it to be my way

I am not scared to play

As I am 300 miles away

Wondered and looked for a friend to stay

but many were absolute if I may

One day Lisbon came my way

And a story I have now to say

A tale of tragedy and pain

So deep feelings I could never tame

Lisbon dark and cold all of a sudden became

And me lying cold on the floor left me in shame

Angry and afraid I ran afar

Till the end of the world to heal my scar

Opened my eyes to the light of the sun

And the feel of cold it undone

Blinding me, warming me

You let me be

“me.”..

I want to play a game

I want it to be my way

I am not scared to play

As I am 300 miles away

The shadow of Lisbon came in aid

And the feeling of fear it made fade

An angel appeared as I prayed

Face my fears... no more I was afraid

300 miles apart we might be

Still my heart you set free

You to it have found the key

And made me see how to be “me”

The boy finally made it out of the woods....but not alone...thank you my friend ….

The true proof of friendship is us withstanding time ...and distance....

300 miles apart.... 

Lisbon have grown cold or I have learnt to ignore its call.......one day I will adventure my self in the woods again...but this time not alone 

This post was written by love inspired by Destiny 

Continuation of the lights of Lisbon 

Picture provided by tumblr 

music by Ryuichi Sakamoto

"   No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.   " 

The Wheel Of Destiny (part 3)

Feeling helpless is one of the worst feeling...

 its like being trapped in a glass dome made out of very thick glass ...

were you can see what is going around you, but you can barely  hear what was being said and as much as I screamed and knocked on the glass no one could hear my screams...
no one...

Strangely some how found myself in the hospital's chapel, set on one of the benches staring into the air. I was never a believer but all I remember is that I prayed...to something stronger then me. I wanted to believe something up there could undone what was unfolding before my eyes..perhaps wake me from this nightmare I was living.

"Can I sit next to you?" I heard coming from behind me.."yes....yes sure" It was Cassidy's mother she sat next to me and said "Did you seek medical advice before taking those tablets?", "Yes!! sure we did...." 
Then she looked away and said " you know? for a mother is the worst feeling to see her own children in pain ...and to see them fighting for there own life". Looked at me and smiled "Come now son....lets get back to her".

What is done is done, can't keep on crying for what is happening..must be strong and able to face this...if it was my fault I could only try and make a little better and try to mend some of the harm I'v done...

Back to the room Cassidy was being visited by a doctor and a nurse she was being told how to use  a weird looking machine that was suppose to inject her with a blood thinning "agent"...she looked at me while I approached  her bed and reached for my hand...squeezing it tight. Ho how I wish I could turn back time and avoid to see all this...

Now I had completely lost track of time, looked for my phone and saw a few 10's of missed calls from work it was close to noon by then I had to be at work 4 hours earlier!. Called back and explained the situation but had to leave for lunch that very minute as in 20 minutes lunch was due!.

For the coming days my break time would have been a trip to the hospital and when my leave started (as we where suppose to leave for Japan a week later...and obviously had to drop the flight and forget about our dream holiday) now all seamed to be distant...we passed the vacation time in hospital trying to stabilize Cassidy's blood....finally managed after the 3rd week ...and she could come back home but for the next 6 months had to drive her back to hospital twice a day to test her blood and later when results where out to take the medication needed....

I can't explain the feeling that I had deep inside me...it was a constant fight...felt like swimming against the current...She never blamed me for it, but I still to this day think it was my fault...she could have lived a better life if I did not insist....a better life...better health....for my past actions we still suffer consequences to this very day....

"But sweet ....ho sweet creature she is ....we fought and stood to all the odds,

 we kept on holding strong to the thin tread we were hanging upon....

our bond proved to be stronger then we thought, and stronger 

it was more then we could ever imagine..."

picture provided by google images

The Wheel Of Destiny (part 2)

Waiting in the lobby felt like forever, I don't know what thought did not pass trough my head. Now I had a splitting headache, and constantly looking at the clock did not help it go away...felt like hours of waiting  before we heard Cassidy's name being called out....and as soon as I heard the call my knees turned to jelly, but I had to look strong...it cant be anything to bad...this happened in a span of just a few hours and it was just a bit of numbness in a leg....and she always said it was "nothing"..

Stretched out my hand to Cassidy to help her stand up ...but she could not!, looked at her foot...it was swollen in an indescribable way it almost doubled in size and that happened just while we where waiting in the lobby!. Rushed to get her a wheelchair and in we went....first stop was at the X-ray room then a visit to the doctor on duty. The doctor was a young doctor, I imagine from the northern part of Europe,  short and very young looking and to be honest I could not understand his accent at all!!. To my fear he could not give a definitive diagnose, so he suggested some tests.

While waiting for the  tests to start Cassidy started complaining that her jeans were feeling now too tight!. Found a nurse and asked for a pair of scissors, ripped her left jean bottom open to give her leg more room, her leg now was looking a deep purple colour ...I have never seen anything like it before.

Luckily back then I worked in a very well known restaurant and we had many "top notch" customers!. A professor passing by recognised us and saw the now deep blue coloured leg, asked us what was the matter....he stood still for a few seconds then gave his clipboard to the young doctor and said he was taking the case in his hands...he went over Cassidy and started to drive her wheelchair down the winding corridors.....

I now realised that it was not "nothing".....went in a small room with a sort of ultrasound machines sort of (not very keen on these kind of things).

"Did you take any medications lately?" he asked "No...no..not that I remember.." Cass replied . A nurse came in and took a few blood samples interrupting us...."See" he said "you have a major block in some of the blood vessels, this is not something it just happens....but with the blood tests we will know what is the cause of this!" 

"A block?" her mum shouted!!

"yes...you see, the blood is flowing in but it is not going out the leg..this is very serious as it may cause internal bleeding...harming not just the leg but also vital organs as the heart, lungs and brain!" 

This resonated in my head over and over...

felt like the whole world was collapsing and for a few minutes I felt lost, confused, felt that I was in a world of my own ...

I could see the doctors  lips moving but I could not hear the words coming out of them...it was like the world was gone on mute.... 

Doctor went out and we kept all silent while staring at the floor...Cassidy reached for my hand and squeezed my now sweaty hand tight. Looked at her, deep in her eyes... felt tears coming out of my eyes...but I must be strong....she must not see. The doctor came back again with a machine and plugged Cassidy to it, then he said she will be shown to a room as she had to stay there for more observation and tests.

Blood test came out as soon as we were led to the room ...her blood reacted to the contraception pills and made the blood clog...if not treated immediately her heart cold be harmed and there was a high chance that her lung could get damaged...

Went out of the  room...

felt my breath heavy, my eyes burned as I wanted to cry so badly...No this was all my fault I wanted her to take those pills...

if something happens to her, it will all be my fault. 

I will never forgive my self ...no I wont! .....the feeling of helplessness I felt was somewhat indescribable now too, as my fingers hit the keyboard goose bumps cover my arms ....I have only my self to blame for this.... 

only me....

Helpless to the unfolding events, I ran out of the ward in a hurry not knowing where I was headed to....

Picture by tumblr 

The Wheel Of Destiny

There are certain moments in our life that time seams to stop, it doesn't go forward or backwards, it just stops. 
Moments that remain imprinted in our minds, never to be forgotten . 
These moments could be happy a moment that leave a mark on the monument of our heart, 
or they could be sad moments were we realise how fragile and vulnerable to the unfolding event we can be....
And this my friends is one of those moments...that I remember every single minute of it, as I saw my entire life crumble and fade away in moments....Fighting for life...afraid to lose my loved one.
Afraid of what tomorrow might bring.....

"All as planned... all as we wanted... following our dreams... nothing was in our way... nothing could have stopped us...".

No!, nothing could have stopped us, all was in control. Although many have told us that is was a crazy idea to go on this vacation. Us?! as  stubborn as we are (back then even more!) we decided not to listen to anyone, this time was not going to be of any difference!. Month after month all started to get more and more exiting as the day was growing nearer. Have to say that we had to do many sacrifices to save up the money needed...so most of our free time we still ended  up staying in. 

It was March of the year 2008, on a Sunday Cassidy her family and me where all gathered around the kitchen table playing the all times favourite monopoly, that Cassidy complained about some numbness in her left leg. "Nothing!" she kept on saying, "its just that I have been sitting here for hours now!, playing this stupid game!". "Why do we even bother playing it? we know you will always end up winning it!". I remember all as if it was just yesterday...Went back home that night, I was to be up early in the morning and Cassidy had to be at work by 8am. At around 6:30am  my phone woke me up ringing... it was Cassidy's mum telling me to pass by as she was worried about Cass left foot. Dressed up in a hurry as somehow I felt something was wrong. When I got there I found the two in a hot argument as her  mum wanted her to go to see a doctor and she was still saying "Its nothing!!" and something about going to be late for work!!. Well...I somehow managed to convince her that if it was "nothing" as she was calling it would have been just a 5 min trip to the doctor and I could drive her to work afterwards!! "Deal" she said in the attempt to shout the both of us!. Upon arriving to our family doctor it was just us and a young mother with her son in the waiting room..and after a few minutes it was our turn. I did not go in with them as I felt that it was not my place...and besides her mum was with her. A few minutes later the door opened and the doctor came to me...and told me while leaning over me.... "Hotei, you'll have to drive them to hospital...if its what I think..well better be there, they will make a few tests and probably give her some medication for it". Now I was getting worried as hell..."What is it?" I kept asking. "Just go" He gave me a paper and said now go give this to reception in emergency.... squeezed the paper in the palm of my hand, the paper that to this day I have still no  idea of what was written on it as I was to afraid to open....set in the car and the doctor followed..."To the hospital...and fast ok..."

Picture by tumblr

One Day...

I could plan what to do in a years time but then its not up to me if it happens or not...I can only give my best, but sometimes luck or destiny plays a big role....life the way we know it could change like day and night...and that was about to happen again....

Have to be honest with my self I did feel discouraged and sometimes angry for the happened events, but nether Cassidy and me had the power to change the events that happened, we could only hope for better days. Life went on to its usual pace, Cassidy had started working with an international firm and I went on with my busy..busy almost crazy work!. Somehow we did find time to meet, even if it was for just a few minutes a day, but at least we were lucky we could exchange a hug...a kiss...a smile....

During this period of time I had become master of organisation! I planned every minute so that I could have an exact amount of free time to share with Cassidy. Looking back I now can't believe I actually managed to find free time! I'm not able to do that any more!!.

One day... Cassidy looked pretty sad and worried I asked what was the matter but she said it was all fine..I did not buy it, but I thought I wont bother her to much with my questions.
Met  a friend and then back home we went,  just before she stepped out of the car Cassidy turned to me and asked me..."do you love me Hotei?" I smiled and replied "sure I do silly!" she kept a serious face and asked me again "but will you love me always?" I smiled again to her and kissed her and softly said "I do...always will" then she bursted  out in tears. I tried to calm her down and kept asking her what was the matter... then she started muttering something I could not understand, I could just hear her now deep rough sobbing...some how she calmed down looked at me and said "I...Think I'm pregnant Hotei...". I smiled at her  and told her it was OK....we both knew what we where doing and that we both wanted it...so it was all going to be fine..we can do this as well....it might not be easy but together we will over come anything!. Kissed Cassidy again and again over and over. "Now better get some rest" I told her. We will talk again in the morning I said while playing with her hair. She smiled and walked away. Turned on the engine started driving away slowly.then I could not hold any more ...tears came down my  face..I felt destructed pulled on the side of the road... I was now not able to see the road clearly....what I was going to do now? how can I be father? I don't have time to be one...I don't want to be an absent father...I want to be there!.....

Days passed and a couple of weeks too...I kept on thinking about it..I was constantly thinking...how I could ever do this?.... although I was in a very bad shape I tried to hide my feelings that I had from Cassidy..I must appear  strong and in control!. Perhaps about 18 days later from the episode I received a message from Cassidy saying that there was nothing to worry about..it was a"false alarm" she called it!!.

It was a relief but yet I was getting pretty exited about the idea of becoming a father..I must admit!.

The Lights of Lisbon (part 2)

What a Night! could barely sleep and when I did I had to dream of you! Its unthinkable how destiny works and twist our lives and minds. 

Lisbon....Lisbon once again you turned your lights on me

Far is the day you'll set me free 

You still play this foolish game with my mind 

Although I look and search the answer I never find 

I tried to stay away from you 

But this proved to be untrue 

Now again myself I find to lie 

While I wish for this feeling to die

Call my name...keep calling it....I'm not listening......keep wishing....keep on waiting....keep on dreaming...may be one day I will stop dreaming of you....Lisbon 

Picture by Deviant/google

Look who's back !

Recap;

Here I am continuing my thought... digging and memory sifting

 just right after the misadventure with the emo guy blog! ...anyway!.      

My last post was
"Dear diary" 
http://anymorethenawhisper.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-diary.html
 but I will not continue from this post I will go slightly backwards!

 "thunder in blue skies"
 http://anymorethenawhisper.blogspot.com/2012/07/thunder-in-blue-skies.html
I know that much happened in between but I'm sure it be confusing if I keep going ahead. 

~~~~~O~~~~~

A Nasty surprise (look who's back!)

I remember Cassidy and me  where in our second year together, work was getting more and more hectic!. but life was good, I had made a pretty good name among the other staff working in the hotel. One day as I was passing near the cocktail bar I saw a familiar face hidden under a month or more of beard...
Jo ? Is that him? Hoo dear what the hell is he doing here? And what the heck happened to him?. I looked down to the ground and swiftly avoided him....went rushing in the kitchen and there I fund the executive...

"excuse me Chef!, did you see who's in the cocktail bar?" I shouted
"who?" he said
"Jo!! I am sure its him....but what the hell happened to him?! he looks like a tramp!!" I continued
"Hooo yeah ! I know about him! he is suppose to meet the directors...to talk about the new position in the main restaurant!"
"hoo really ??? showing up like that? and after the way he abruptly left?, ho well ...OK then... good luck to him!" I mumbled.

A few days later to the others and my surprise  he started working with  the company again...

News spread  fast like wild fire within the walls of the establishment...I didn't mind to be honest..it was perfectly fine to me unless he talked to me!.

There where days were I had to call down the main kitchen, and he answered the phone, but I had to cope with that...had no choice.

I remember many came to me asking me "is it true that you two don't talk to each other?" "what happened to you?" and many other questions I never answered or at least in full! most of the time my answer would have been,"ask him!!".... I have nothing to say and I don't want to!

"How I wish I could forget the way he treated me..the lies..the pain...He was such a good friend..I trusted him so much....why?..."

Days, weeks and months passed and the festive season were with us again ...Yey!!. Right after New Year's eve dinner  remember I went for a tour around the hotel with Tassu wishing a happy New Year to the other staff on duty....my second target was the Japanese restaurant I wanted to see TaChan and wish her A happy New Year! We kept a close relationship..(what happened a couple of years before was important for the both of us...still is to this day...."somehow").   I pushed  open the back service door,  could hear voices coming from the restaurant, familiar voices I peeped from the pantry door and saw the waitresses tossing a glass of sparkling! Yippee!! I thought... a drink!, just what I need!! I opened the kitchen door that led to the restaurant  door and shouted happy new year!!. Looked on my right and there to my horror saw Him...... Jo ...and Ta Chan having a drink on one of the tables away from the others laughing... joking... flirting . Terry one of the waitresses yelled  "Hotei.... happy New Year" looking at me giving me a soft smile ...most probably knowing what was going on in my head..."happy New Year dear..."  I mumbled, turned my back pushed the door open giving a last stare at Jo and Ta Chan from the corner of my eyes...  Terry and Tassu followed me to the back area calling me "Hotei.....Hotei ! wait! ...wait" grabbed my hand and I looked back at her, confused...not actually sure why ...why I was feeling that bad.....As Terry was about to say something I heard a familiar voice calling my name and a loud door shutting! "Happy New year Hotei!!!"    "Rose!!... hey" ......she grabbed me from my arm and dragged me down the narrow corridor to the Thai restaurant  leaving Terry and Tassu staring at each other not quite knowing what happened!.

Rose Dragged me down the corridor a few metres and halted in front of the Thai restaurant back service door,  as she opened the door I heard a loud " HAPPY NUU YELL" lool it was funny all the Thai kitchen members all a bit drunk tossing whiskey!. "Come dlink!! have a dlink with us!". hehe I'm glad this happened, I'm glad Rose came in at the wrong or perhaps right time, almost dislocating my shoulder as she dragged me down the corridor!,at least for a moment it distracted me and made me smile, I thanked them and left slowly heading back to the next restaurant....gave a big hug to Jessica and off to change I went, better get some sleep must be up in a few hours..have to work lunch too!.

I don't remember sleeping much that night but I felt pretty good and full of energy! I thought about what happened the other night...I acted stupidly...Ta Chan have the right to be happy...after all destiny wanted us apart... although I still loved her deep inside...it was not right on Cassidy....Ta Chan had to carry on with her life .....and I with mine.....but please ...... just not with him please....not with Jo.....

Had no breakfast  but felt like I was not hungry at all!. new years lunch was over and finally I could head back to Cassidy's after three days of not seeing her!! I was feeling exhausted  now,  didn't feel like working dinner but that was part of the job! nothing to do about it!... all I remember is starting the service and then...... black....I could hear the piercing noise of a siren in my head...only opened my eyes founding my self in a white room and people wearing scrubs confused around me...My head hurting like hell.. I focused on the dark shadows around me.... one of them was familiar to me....Cassidy?!... I uttered in a tired voice.....