retrospective...

 Speaking  my mind...

I felt insulted and hurt to the core with his words. I am not saying I am right and that he was wrong, but that it was not the way to do it !! It might have been true that I loved Ta Chan, but I never betrayed any one! I never had an affair with her while with Cassidy.So he implied false statements!  I can be anything I can be selfish, proud,snobby, rude and much more, but not true!?,  no that is not me ....(at least I was made that way back those days...).
Nowadays not speaking to Joe is just a matter of pride! none of us want to admit he's wrong or say sorry for what happened. It makes me sad not only for the fact that today the memory is so faint, and doesn't carry much importance. Nowadays I say he was just drunk, and that made him say stupid things. I do feel bad when I picture his face and the way he pointed his finger at me! but the moment soon fades away.
I am sure that he never implied on Ta Chan to whom she can talk especially when it was me! but I always feel embarrassed to talk to her when he is around!. Cassidy is different, she talks to him and  many  times offers him a beer if we accidentally meet in a pub or restaurant. She obviously don't know the whole story, I never told her about it, I just say we had a work clash and we never found a compromise to sort things out! same story with Ta Chan over again...Cassidy just carries on with them ....
God knows how many times my friends and his have been "intermidiators" to try to make us talk again, but I'm too stubborn!. As I once said (mentioned) I tend to create a shell a harder skin on the out side, once I say no, NO it is !! and there is no way to make me change my mind! the more you try the more I be "act" stupidly!.
I sometimes wish I had just accepted his apologies there and then...but would you have accepted them if it happened to you?. I was so angry deep inside that I couldn't, it would have solved many future issues if I did, but then again, I would have not been in peace with my self....I would have felt I was a lie ! and unfortunately I can't lie ...at least I couldn't back then (Not that I lie on daily basis mind you !!) but I come to a point were I have started believing in those tiny "white lies".

A lie for a good reason is not a lie! is it ?.

Now I don't want to embark on a guilt trip...but perhaps one of the main reasons for this blog was a "lie" if it was not so I wouldn't hide my true identity. I needed some where to empty the heavy sack I was crying on my back. Its a bit like the hole of king Mida's (the king that was punished by Apollo with donkey ears) I had to speak so I sheltered my self in this refuge, where I found that I could whisper my thoughts my stories to (hoping  that a tree don't grow and whispers all of my deepest secret).  but if it did..... Joe I want you to know  that I'm sorry.....

A year to remember

Once again I was asked to join the annual family holiday, I accepted again very happily. They opted for Tunisia again,I had no objection except for one! that this time we wouldn't fly with tuninter!!. It was unanimous!! we paid the extra bit to fly with our national airline and that was fine and set! Also this time since it was just a matter of only a few pounds we upgraded to a five star in port el kantaoui!

We were ready! for our holiday! yey :)).
Flight was good (compared to the year before!!). Arrival to the hotel took only half hour or so,  the hotel looked amazing and very imposing in the heart of the port! :D

And again at reception ... our room reservation  got lost .....we waited for over 3hours for our rooms to be ready!! well at least our triple was worth the waiting!! hummm yeah a triple once again we had Cassidy,s little  brother was assigned as our chaperon yet another time!!.

Our room was at the top floor and it had an amazingly huge balcony!!and an amazing view ! we spent many nights drinking and chatting.

Especially  sunsets and sun rises :) we once even fitted the bed in it so we could stargaze while in bed!!! :D

In the morning the view of the marina was beautiful too!                                                                          

Relax, relax and relax that was my motto for this 

year!! I spent hours near the pool enjoying cocktails and sun baiting! sweet, sweet Idleness  I loved it !! 

The hotel had many features,  one of them was  a private beach !!!  I loved that too (although that  I cant compare them with the beaches back home ours are much nicer :P). But the fact that it was a private beach it made it less busy! so therefore more peaceful. I loved the palm leaves  umbrellas!! :)) 

I played the tourist part at full!  I had used all the facilities made use of all kind of equipment done rides and sport too!! of course "when being idle got to boring!". 

One not too happy moment it was when we went on a pirate ship like... every one got sick "well almost everyone" me and Cassidy didn't!. 

Food was not bad but  I almost never ate from the hotel! there were cheap and very good restaurants scattered round the marina so I used to dine in one of them I was spoiled

for choice!!.  

  I have to say that all this free time and relaxation made me forget all about home... at least for a week! Cassidy and me got much closer  since we could spend more time together, back home it was close to impossible with my work and cassidy's studies!.  this this time... I knew what I wanted or with who I wanted to be, and it was with her... I realized how important she was to me and "still is!". 

Have to be completely honest here... she did throw a few temper tantrums since although it was relaxing  and we had all the time we wanted, we were never alone..and we never could have come very intimate, except for  just a couple of nights where her little brother got to drunk to stay awake and remember any thing that happened that night!!  Unless I got drunk before...I remember one night, or at least from the evidence left for me to make up the whole scene!, I got so pissed that they had to undress me and give me a cold bath for me to get back to my senses!! , spent the night in the bathtub too ....wrapped  in  a blanket and hugging a pillow!! 

One more episode when Cassidy slipped into one of her "temper tantrum moods" was when we where supposed to visit the capital Tunis!! I wanted so bad to see it, But  "she" thought it was a good excuse for a good day of wild sex!! since all the family would have ventured themselves into sight seeing  for a whole day!.

hehe...she woke up with a plan!!! saying that she was not feeling well ...and I was Nooooo ...I want to visit the capital and its surrounding!!. As the Italian say "chi la dura la vince " it had to be my way :P !!

At the end of the day it was worth-it :)

  

Back home I had news waiting for me ...changes happened while away .

Changes that would have changed the course of my life..

forever ....to good and bad!

...

A place called home..

Time to write a new chapter ...

I dedicated most of my energy to become a good chef, back then ! I had a urge to learn, some say it paid off in the end, I think about it  in a different way, I see it from a different perspective, I believe I lost that "urge", since it became more of a job then a hobby .... My friendship with Joe helped me become more professional up to  a certain point ! he was more a friend then a teacher I valued our friendship a lot! I considered him a brother not just a friend... I shared all of my secrets and whatever happened to me he would know, I was an open book for to him. On the other hand I knew little bout him, his private life was mystery and rarely shared what was going on in his mind ,  good or bad.

He always told me  "Hotei, you should listen to your heart more...if you love Ta chan just go ahead..... now that things are different, and the end could turn out to  be different too"

For me it was out of the question! I was always a stubborn guy! so if I thought of something no one could put it off  my mind !!! Now I was writing a story with Cassidy and that was it!! it was a feeling of equal strength ( always if  it is possible to love two persons at the same time) but I believe you can, at least it felt like so  !

Days  went on and on and I was more and more certain of what I wanted from my life. Ta Chan had  to leave once again for Japan, and to be honest with you this time it was not painful in any way I didn't even miss her a second ..could be the fact that I knew she would be back soon, back to her place here now called home...

Joe dated and dated and he became more distant and cold to all of us...he would come back when things went bad and he needed consolation.Or if he thought it was to much, he would drown his sorrows in drinking ,trying to sort out the mess left by that affair.. he sometimes needed a good "hug" a "Menly hug" he called it !! and I had to be the deliverer!!

Welcome back home!   

Hum ... it must have been a month or so ..and Ta chan was back to her home :). It was nice having her back! only then I knew that I would have missed her only not realizing it. 

This time she had a gift for me :)) A gift I will never forget!! well actually she gad three gifts!! she came back with a traditional sports Fan !! still have it hanging in my room!! a Yen ...lost the Yen :( I used to keep it around my neck as a lucky charm...lost it may be while swimming . And she gave me a digital camera!! A Konika Minolta !! I loved it I never had a camera let alone a digital one !! back then digital cameras were never seen on the Island!! I still cherish it !! Ta chan gave me the love for photography with that gift !  To this day my love for capturing a moment is immense and I never go out without my camera ..you never know when you need to freeze a moment for eternity !! ( well the Konika refused to work in freezing condition last year as I was visiting a friend in north England, so had to buy a new one) but I still keep it and make it work every now and then :)  .

She might say goodbye after all ...

Ta chan received  an invitation from an Embassy since she had control over several languages.. they offered her a good wage and a very good job ( definitely more successful and more repaying then wondering around tables in a restaurant ). The Portuguese Embassy gave her a week  to think about it ..she was exited to the fact that they have approached  her  for such a prestigious position ...but she rejected the invitation in the end ..she said that her Portuguese was not that fluent and the fact that she had to move to Portugal did not move her  after all she was here ...home ...

I you had to make a wish what would it be?

I have never quite felt this way, you left a sign a mark on my heart, body and soul.

I sometimes ask my self how my life would be if I never have met you. 

You played an important role in  my life as a main actor in a play.

Sometimes  I abuse the fact that you love me.. and I take that as for granted that you will be there Whenever I need you.

That makes me a selfish human being.

What if you could read my deepest thoughts?

Would you still love me?

I have created a world to escape the real one, where I go every time I need time alone.

Is this good ? what would be your opinion? 

  I have many time subconsciously betrayed you...

Does that count? 

I know I love you..

So...wanting time alone..is it ok?

Does that mean I love you less?

..... 

.....

"If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it's your, if it doesn't, it never was"

These are the words of one of my favourite writers, one of yours as well. we have so much 

in common.

I consider you sometimes as my sister, the sister I never had!

But I know my love goes beyond that !

So love can have a limit?

There is a specific amount of love we need to feel for some one?

A few years ago I would have said if there was a "love O meter" it would explode!

Now I doubt\fear what it would show!

Not that I don't love you! (mind you!)

I still do! I adore you! 

But I believe feelings "alter" they change form and shape! 

And may be now, that is what have happened it have changed its original form! 

Evolved! or worst de-evolved?!

Sometimes I wish it was just a dream, Before I used to say if it was a dream I would never want to wake from this sweet dream! 

Now I'm afraid it would\will  change into a nightmare!

It wont...I love you.. and always will! 

Just please understand  my thoughts 

understand my love!  

Moving on

Once I found again the guts to look in Rose eyes it was just a matter of time for the event to re-happen! It was a short while but it was very nice until it lasted!. I can still taste the kisses on my lips, as we adventured our selves  in the cold room among the vegetables and fruits!....the numerous "woo hoo's" In the guest toilet ..." if only those four wall could talk!!" I'm sure that the creator "Inventor" of the wash hand basin didn't design it as a sexual contraption!. This was a fun period in my life as I never had such weird adventure till that time!. Escaping  her chaperon "Satoon" just for a 20 minutes fun in her bedroom or on the beach at night!

But all good things must come to an end... although it was fun it was not what I wanted, and once again I walked out of the situation!

Go On

Go on !

After the B.B.Q I haven't met Cassidy nor contacted her!. I thought it was better leave things alone, not alter "manipulate" ...play with feelings...after all I didn't want to suffer any more. 

Time went on slowly...and each day I felt better and better ...went back to my life where I met my old friends and hanged out with them all as usual. 

Work was "ok" all went on fine with the hotel working "in its mysterious way!!". New staff came in and out, I was left untouched and unmoved with these changing's, 

                                                                                         until!!......

What happened?

A life without her? I loved her so much..If I ask my self today! this moment! do I still love her?My answer would be, I don't know...I do feel a strong sentiment for her, but is now confused with other feelings so I can't pick up a clear image of my self...of what I really want? I wish we stayed together, I wish she never had to go, so much happened....if only I have waited a bit longer may be things would have been different today...Or not ?

Had to forget, do I really had to forget? my heart wanted to remember...

Picture tumblr 

Good bye !

Its not how I what it to be, its what destiny want's from me ....

It has always been ....always be ....to this day....destiny plays tricks on me... sometimes its too much to take!

It started with Kazu, he went back home right after Christmas, he was missing to much his daughter Luna. Then it was Rossana's turn to leave, one day as we where having dinner in a sushi restaurant, she met a Swedish man...a very attractive man ! he even paid us the dinner bill!! :))
Rossana fell head over heals for him as he was such a fun and charismatic person, they got married a few months  later! Had two children too, wish I can contact her in a way or an other I miss her! but I know she's ok. Taka was next on the list he missed his love too much!! so he just left without saying a word to any one...I heard news from him when he had his first baby and then the second one!

One fine day Ta chan came to me and said she had received a call from her mother and asked her to go back to Japan as soon as possible! Never told me what was it about, although she looked very worried about it !.  She left  about 2 weeks later. I was left alone with the awful feeling of loneliness! We only had sms's to keep us in contact until those stopped too! My only source of information was  To chan she called her every now and then, and Ta chan answered her!! but me...nothing.. no words.

It was round about a month from the day she left back to Japan that To chan said something It would have  changed  my life...and break my deepest dreams, and my heart. Ta chan got engaged!!
Sad, sad moment It was like a death verdict to me, why? so it must have been just a dream after all....

A be alone time started  for me, even if I had the support of my friends I had something missing inside something called Ta chan....        

Picture google images

Confusion

She talked to one of the directors so may be she gets the job back ...and she did :)

We met after lunch decided to go for a coffee to talk things over, she looked devastated ...she was in pain I wasn't sure if it was the right idea to ask her anything cause it might have hurt her much more. She started talking as we sat for a coffee...

Went to Germany to meet my boyfriend (Josu) before heading back to Japan with him...I went to his apartment .. knocked on the door... he opened the door  wearing just a towel around his waist .. he was surprised to see me ..he knew I was coming ....so why that face?. I walked in, to my horror, I found a naked girl in bed half asleep....I couldn't speak ...I just froze at the sight of her there.

 ...She asked him who I was as tears ran  down my face.  The girl just grabbed her cloths as she realised what was going on she looked embarrassed and angry!. She walked pass by me whispered "I'm sorry" slapped Josu ..and vanished!

Josu sat on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees and head down....he started to talk really softly and with a broken voice.
-We have been apart from each other for such a long while ...I swear this was the first time happening .....It never happened before!
-That's not the point I replied!
-Tell me! Didn't you dated some other guy while you where away? is it possible? tell me ?  I felt something  was wrong as I visited you two months ago..

What I was suppose to say? If ...some guy did't walk in the restaurant that night we could have ended up doing the same...
So I just said nothing ....just cried. He stood up and wrapped his arms round me..I pushed him and left....even If I had nowhere to stay ...


Here I am again ...I could't go back home my mother would have suffered to much to this news!

I don't know what to do Hotei....I need time to think ....and I know this is the place I want to be.....

Picture by google images 

"New chapter" Silence

Silence

Almost a week has gone by and things started to go back in place and normality.

My mind was set to forget ...do I really want to forget?

It hurts to remember ....but I have to find the strength to go on ..with my life ....It has been just three months ...So why is it so hard?.....Can you really love someone in just three months ?...Can one control the feelings he feels?...

Love? What is love?.....Do you learn to love?....Does it come to you?....Can love at first sight really exist?

This pains feels just too good...

The pain left  from the beautiful memories as they will be no more ... separation...
At work noting was the same, silence, silence was dominant!
Every one knew what happened...but no one dared to ask me any question ...perhaps how I was feeling, they just knew and that was it!
I had noticed it ....every time I walk by, everyone just  stopped talking! even if they talked in Japanese...they just stopped so something was going on.

"Silence" And with silence one can say and mean just too much!.....   

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I adore you still

Swimming home 

by Evanescence 

Do you really want me?
                       No one's really loved me !
                                                       Calling.....
                                                                 Nothing can hold me!


There is no point in crying, after all I should be happy...If I loved her for real I should be happy that she's back with her love ...should I? so why I'm  not ?

Is it cause I'm human ...a greedy human ...if being a human is taking, ripping others form the life they have chosen the paths they decide to take  ...like we do with Butterflies  collecting them at the peak of there beauty just to Pearce them with a cold  needle of death. Then I don't want to be human ....

I feel like I have died....lost a peace  of me .. a vital part...
I look at my palm.... a scar .. but thinking about it, the scar is much more deeper then just a mark on my flesh, it goes deep as my heart!

I just need some time to mourn this pain away and return to a normality ....if destiny want me it will find me.
I be waiting in this deep sea as I try to swim back home....

"Broken" My naked self

My naked self.....

It was a terrible week without a single  sight of her...I missed her...I wanted her..I wished her.

No ...no ....she is where she belongs...with her love....is he the right one?.....who am I to judge? what is good for her ...or what is wrong..
A week is too much without her smile... her laugh....what if it be more then a week? no ...no must forget ....it will be in the end as soon as summer is over....she will leave ..and never to came back ...so why? did she play with my feelings? no ..no ..she's not made that way....no ...no
hoo why I can't just get it out of my head ..."Aishiteru" .... "Aishiteru"..."Aishiteru"...why is it resonating into my head?.

If I close my eyes I see your face ...its too much hooo Ta chan I love you .....

The week came to an end and she came back to work...but nothing was the same she avoided me. 

Why what have I done? did her boyfriend tell her something?
How? he doesn't know me... or did he get to know about what happened between us?
One more week gone by  and we talked again ...
Things started coming back to normal ....I never mentioned her boyfriend and so did she...
One day as we walked up to the sea front ...a windy day the waves were hitting violently the side of the promenade ... we could feel the salty rush on our faces...
She was feeling cold so we sat down on one of the benches to rest and feel the warmth of the sun that today felt so distant...

She closed her eyes every time she saw the waves hitting the the land..like frightened by the force....
She held my hand...and said ....you know..a few months ago I didn't know where this Island was and now knowing I have to leave .......


How did you get to know about it? I asked.

Destiny, she said.

(Destiny ....Destiny you played tricks on me from the very beginning!)

 Well I wanted to improve my English so I searched up the net, there I found a good place in Germany and said to my self its the best place so that way I can train my German and my English and be near my boyfriend.

A week later I was having a dream about my grandmother and she told me you must not go to Germany....I ignored the dream and had it night after night...
I looked up again and this time I found England ...
 It happened again, my grandmother appeared in my dreams and begged me not to go to England..
It happened over and over again ...then a few days later I met a friend who was just back from here and told why  not trying here ? ...well grandma never appeared in my dreams again ....

(The end of the dream)

  Summer came to an end and with the end of summer the end of a dream...didn't say goodbye....didn't
wave farewell ....saying goodbye would have been to much...

Picture DeviantArt 

Memories..

Memories 

...and here all my memories,

As days passed over my birthday I as most "selfish\materialist" person soon have forgot my gift, more for the fact that I had an other lap top that I used for work. My girlfriend  wisely thought that a smaller more compact one would be better to carry around! well not me !! I have a tendency to love old stuff and its hard for me to get used to other new ones (not that I mind buying and having lots of new gadgets mind you!). My gift soon went to be stored away in its case safely stored, switched on every once in a while just to make it work a little! (and to be honest back then I had no connection as my parents home was totally upside-down since we had the termite infestation!! (bloody buggers!!!)  

As I look back the past 3 years I can't believe trough how much I had to go....

So here it goes my story, now that you know how it all started.....perhaps still a mystery for the closest of friends or family! 

I have decided to have a diary help me remember every painful and happy moment I  had in the past 3 years. 

A special thanks go to my friend   "Gwanni" ( you will meet him soon in my journal! ) if it wasn't for him my life..way to think...point of view..in a few words I would be far from sharing my thoughts      . 

   

Video Chasing Pandora