The rain whispered.

Destiny is what created this blog and guess its destiny that is knocking on my door again. Just by coincidence wanted to read the last actual post I wrote, it have been a long while and I could not remember what was it or what it talked about. It was ordinary. Yes just like me, but there! something made me smile. Something made me say the old words "ah! destiny" long time I did not mention you!. And here you are again on my threshold waiting and waving for me. What was it you ask? "Monday, 24 February 2014" the same date as today! call that a coincidence!.



I do not know how many times I have come here and stared for hours at a blank screen. Perhaps hitting a few buttons and then moments later hit the delete button and erase all in mere seconds.

But unexpected events, warm whispers from distant friends keep coming at night, waking me up. Sweet hauntings, mellow lullabies. This I cannot delete, these I cannot turn my back too. And guess this is how it all started on a cold rainy day. Days like these make me feel the want to write. Perhaps the charcoal grey of the sky reminds me of the traces the pen leaves on a blank page. The smell of winter and the tight grasp of all that is winter drags me to this nostalgic state of mind. The cold wind howling, raindrops frantically bombing my window and the smell of wet grass, yes this is it the perfect recipe for winter. The perfect setting for me to remember. The perfect time for words and thoughts to sprout.

Still it is not easy to pick the exact words I want to say, its not easy to break the thick layer of ice that it has been created, but even the biggest of journeys have its start with a very humble beginning.

What to say? ordinary! that is me, that is what it have become of me. Still cashing my dreams, new dreams, its funny it never stops  a vicious circle this is!!. always wanting more, always looking for something new as insignificant or bombastic as it may be. So nothing really have changed you may think, perhaps not much, its the same old me. The same old me missing my dear friends and missing this world of words and thoughts.

Sometimes I take a little peek at this magical world for a tiny while but unfortunately it stops there, other times I grab a notebook that came across the ocean and a pen that the waves brought on these shores long before, but it stops there, words simply don't flow.

Even now I look at these few lines and the only word I seem to find fitting is eclectic. That's me always wanting to make a lot, starting a hundreds of  tasks and finish none of them. And I guess this is another beginning, another chapter of my life, a fresh page.... this thanks to you for waking me up dear rain...dear friends...and here it starts...

Picture by tumblr

Harvester Of Stars

Harvester of stars, 

Lost among a million dreams, 

Wake! its not a dream. 

Reached for your hand, as we walked towards the dark reaching the golden room, there! where everyone wore masks. It was not our place, or perhaps it was the place we so longed for. Among fake smiles and subtle chants we made our way to the top of the stairs, looked down and saw destiny unfold, looked up and saw past in its mighty golden glory.

Fantasised a bit to much, perhaps the wine, perhaps had a little to much. As we walked among the masks came to me for a second or two, a memory of a past night, were fireflies filled the air, were a sweet smell of blossoms saturated the air.

I many times wondered how to make you listen the sound that was still, now that I learned you heard I find it hard to speak. But tonight we are not wearing masks only us walked unashamed among the crowd of dancing  phantoms. Only us walked proudly unveiled.

As more and more the night went by, the stars seamed to shine less, perhaps shadowed by the brilliance of the floating city above, or perhaps out-shined by your glistening eyes as they foretold what they saw in the imminent future. A leap in the dark it may seam to be, but who are we to judge? without even giving it a chance.

We wore a grin as we went back down the stairway, proudly walked among the crowd, they bowed in wonder as they removed their masks. To our chariot made us way...

Picture by Hotei©

 

The horrible truth

"I think you are making a terrible mistake Hotei!"

 "Think about it, think about your life...your future"

 "Don't make choices you will regret later"

"This story never had a future from the very start"

"You should be where you belong, and you don't belong here"

His words resonated for hours in my head, after all of those sweet words, he turned cold he felt distant... now that I was so close to meet him... Now that all was making sense...now that I thought I knew...

He walked away never looking back, without saying a goodbye, a smile or maybe a sign. I am not sure or perhaps I can't remember if I missed him, it have been so long now, that the image of him is almost fading. The memory of those days staring at a suitcase are so far, I can barely recognise the person staring at a travelling bag ready to leave.

We have not known each other for long, this story was too short, the last chapter came too soon. But guess just long enough to feel the pain of separation. Left with words unsaid, leaving only a slight feeling of regret of things I wish I could have said. Many times I wonder if you ever wanted to tell me a last word, or even just a horrible cold goodbye.

Within the days that came, I just stared at the idle screen of my laptop. I was not sure if he would have ever came back, but I was now sure I wanted to be far away from the pain he caused.


For every action there is a an opposite reaction they say, there where times were I hated him, there were times where I missed him and there where times I just forgot him...forgot all the collection of new feelings he caused to happen.

The day I found myself ready to walk away was with the help of my close friend even though he was miles away. On that day I started writing a diary as a reminder of my mistakes, gains and pain this journey caused. So that I would look back and know how far I have grown and come. What I didn't know was that destiny had more ready for me....

Picture by tumblr 

A hasty decision...

Only God knows how much I prayed, only God knows what kind of thoughts passed trough my head. I was on the verge of insanity. How could have this happen to me? how? and why?. I always thought I knew what I wanted from my life, I was sure I knew. But there I was, lost and confused.

I needed time to be alone, to think things over. I wanted to be away from everyone and everything. But its hard when you have commitments, and even harder when the farther you can be is just a few km away, and most probably or eventually will meet or bump into someone you know to remind you of who you are and where you come from, these are the disadvantages of living on an island measuring 14/27 km!.

For days I avoided opening my laptop and for days I heard this voice coming out of it calling my name and asking me to go back. I was going mad.

Then a godsend!, my friend from the UK invited Cass and me to stay over her house for a few days. I accepted without any hesitation, and Cass looked quite trilled too to the idea. The invitation came at the right time and moment, it was what the both of us needed.

I left the voices in my head back home and left to the quiet of the English countryside. It was what I needed, it was what the both of us needed. At the back of my head Guga was still a constant, but everyday that passed he felt distant and even more distant. It was like, I could see clearly again, he was still lingered in my head but I felt like I knew what was happening to me. I felt somehow, some what reborn!. It felt good...

Extended my stay by 4 more days, travelled south to London, and booked a lovely room in a small hotel, situated in the centre (for those who knows the TV series upstairs downstairs, it was one of those old mentions renovated and turned to boutique hotels). Very romantic, we had all the time and quiet we needed and wanted.

Loved to hear you breath while you sleep..

Loved to feel your warm breath on my chest...

Waking beside you...warm..

while outside was cold....

Listening to the rain while we both felt into deep sleep...

On my return home I knew what I wanted to do..... I knew it was a very hasty decision, but I was sure I wanted to do it!. There was no other options, and I felt like it was my  make me or break me decision...this would have been the final answer, I would have all of the answers I needed or simply loose everything I had . All that I wanted to know would have come to me, only...would it be all the same? and would I take it? and mostly important, what will Cassidy think?....would we survive this as-well?...

Its not always easy to share, to be continued ...

Pictures by tumblr and Hotei.

A warm place

 There were times where I could look with a honest heart  into your eyes...

Decided to talk my heart out to Cassidy, it was time to face my fears and my doubts. All I could do was to stare into her eyes, looking at my own reflection in her now teary eyes.
At the end of our discussion I was even more confused, I kissed Cassidy over and over, I made love to her. And there I was sure I loved her...but this was even more confusing to me...

There were times where I stumbled and fall...

Face my fears, living in this void will not be of any help, decided to come out clean with Guga and tell him all about what was going in my head... may be talking to him would have found an answer to some of my questions and clear some of my confusion...

"Never fall in love with me he said..." but it was just to late...to late to turn my back on this sentiment. It felt horrible in its beautiful reality.


There were times where I could look into your eyes and feel safe...

I led myself to an unstoppable deterioration, I doubted my self I doubted my love for Cassidy. I doubted everything and nothing. Only God knows how lost I felt, how much I prayed and wished to understand what was going on in my head. But as they say everything happens for a reason, and before I drove my self to insanity I opened my heart and mind to my new found friend Gwanni, he listened and understood my feelings, he asked no questions and showed me unconditional love in its true form. There I started to realise that what was going on in my head could be understandable and normal. Loving someone else while in a relationship it could happen, loving someone of my own sex it was possible and mostly... I was normal to feel confused, lost and afraid... at the end of this long dark tunnel I found a glowing warm place to rest, waiting with open arms for me to feel safe...a place I could call home or if I may dare to call it family.


There were times where it felt good to feel scared...

Picture By tumblr

The fall

I tried to give a name to the feelings inside my head but as much as I might have tried all was in vain, or perhaps I was scared to give it a name. I could try as I may but I could not get Guga out of my head, he followed me during the day, at night he ruled my thoughts making it hard to close my eyes. He taunted me in my dreams. He became my refuge, my escape, my strength.

For days I was lost in the meanders of my mind, to finally put an answer to my questions. With each passing day the more I wanted to know about this person, that now was well deep under my skin.

Love?, could it be possible...how? In my entire life I had never felt such a gravity towards my own sex, now.. all of a sudden it was happening. I must be honest, I hated my self, I tried to ignore this feeling but the more I tried the more I wanted of him. There I was... lost and confused.

Cassidy knew something was not right, but decided not to ask, I decided not to share, after all our relationship started deteriorating bit by bit, and I could have never found the guts to talk things out, this is not natural or real I thought. But it was real, as real as the air I breathe. Could not tell anyone about it, was afraid that no one would understand what was going on inside my head. After all I could not understand my own self and feelings, to that day I only imagined love between the opposite sex, love between the same sex was simply unthinkable!. Then slowly I started placing answers to my questions, Love could come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love could overcome distance, love could change one's beliefs.

Now I gave a name to the feeling that invaded my body and mind, but was it the same from the other side of the monitor?.

Guga seemed to be honest, I believed in him and in all that he said. He opened my eyes to look to the meaning of love in a totally different way I was used to... and I was ready to take every risk just to know he shared the same feeling I did...every risk...even at cost of loosing her...

Picture by tumblr 

Sweet decadence

Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 

Can you fall for someone you've never met?

I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...

Picture by tumblr

Things I wish I never knew

Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.

I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  

Picture by tumbler 

A secret friendship?

Guga left me strangely addicted to him, for a reason I could not tell nor understand. I would go early in the morning and check the messages he left me the night before. I was sure he truly enjoyed my company and especially my friendship. (I still believe he did).

Our friendship continued out of hi5 and somehow we both managed to find time were both could talk live, not more by means of those long messages. One thing I found oddly strange while talking to him on MSN was that it felt like talking to a person I knew for a long time, a life time!, or perhaps because we had very similar tastes.

Mr Chef!! he'll tell me every single time just to mock me, always had a question ready about food or something related. And I was always ready to mock him about his cooking and his "Bimbi machine". Chucking raw food in a machine and wait for it to chop it and cooks it!. That's not real food! I used to say!. He hated it and I loved it! :)

This friendship was only started may be a month and a half before but it looked like it would have gone a very long way. He even considered a trip over here to be able to meet.

Strange the fact that I told no one about this friendship, perhaps was afraid that Cassidy would just start all over again about me being too naive and too trusty. Thing is I did not see anything wrong in it actually I found it to be quite a fascinating friendship.

One thing I did not know for sure, was if I was doing the right thing not to tell anyone about it, then again what bad it can bring, or be to have a secret friend?. After all my friends I had over here all abandoned me cause I became cold and distant.  

Picture google images 

You have a friend request.

Rainy day again.... as always on that harsh winter, one of the worst I can remember that hit the island in years. Not able to get out in the morning, logged in as usual on my new hi5 account. Had 10's of requests as always, all as usual, not quite...

Ignored most and added just a few as always. While browsing the new "friends" profiles and replying to some of the messages, a picture caught my attention, at first thought it was one of mine and thought "what is this picture doing on a strangers profile?!" then realised many where similar to mine four pictures where identical!, or almost, the angle changed by a little. Curious I decided to comment on one of them and left a simple message saying "we might have crossed our way without realising :) ". 

The day after logged in early in the morning as I wanted to see if I had received a comment or a reply back, but nothing, no luck. Still curious and bored to death, continued to browse trough pictures on the strangers profile, I could not get much information as most was blocked, all I could see were pictures. Then a few minutes later received a message saying "indeed, loved it in there!". I replied with just an emoticon ( :) ) not quite sure what to say and not quite knowing why I did comment in the first place and actually felt a wee stupid for doing so. Received yet an other message and then an other, asking me when I did take take the pictures and where I was from. I replied without hesitation and asked back the same questions. Portugal! he said (and yet again for privacy sake I'll be calling him Guga) .

Incredible! we been in London on the same dates visited places on the same day and yet we had to meet again a week after online!. 

This person (Guga) had a certain charisma, he was fun in his own way and very educated. He was not vulgar, but out of the ordinary polite... too nice to be real, not like the many others out there. 

Said goodbye after a few minutes, I logged out a little puzzled not quite sure what it have been said. It felt weird or perhaps a little awkward more then weird. Yet I left with a smirk on my face, like the one a kid has when discovering something new and he is ready to shout it to the world. Picked up Cassidy from work and told her about the pictures, she just said to me "you are too naive sometimes Hotei its just a coincidence and you must not trust strangers, you are old enough to know that". She left me with that and I never brought up the subject ever again....ever since.  

I many times wish I have listened to her....but I did not. Went my way and never shared what happened to me from that day onwards..not yet at least...  

picture by google images

My asylum...

We hold on to a secret to preserve our dignity, this is what I did I kept feelings deep inside for so long that they are now hurting me so much. But when it comes to share them I am feeling naked and exposed. I have made this corner my asylum, its here where I escape and find shelter. 

I must add a particular to my story, that happened just a few days before meeting Gwanni. I planed to remove my account days before. I would have disappeared and removed my account, but not alone I would have kept contact with one person that I've met on the net...someone who had captured my attention....someone that was in London the same days I was.... someone that I might have bumped in without realising while walking in the crowd... someone that destiny wanted me to cross path with.....someone who took the same picture...the picture that divided my world in two.

I was lucky enough to find a friend that would have helped me turn back when I was on the edge of insanity. I would have not been here if that day I did not find my friend Gwanni.

Picture by Hotei 

The other side of the mirror....my version

Back then when I resigned from my old job, found out that none of my friend were left waiting for me and most probably none wanted to have anything to do with the person I have become.

Now with more time on my hand I had discovered new interests, but as soon as winter made its self feel I had no option but to stay home. To break a little the daily monotony I started using a social network (hi5). It was all going fine till I started sharing pictures of my self and most of the “friends” started commenting on my image and asking for sex and video calls. I was not looking for a relationship, but I was looking for a friendship nothing else nothing more.

On the day I was suppose to delete my account, a request I sent was accepted, and a short while after I was having a nice conversation with a guy from across the ocean his name was Joao (I then nicknamed him Gwanni, translated from my mother language).

I shared my world with him and he showed me his world. An unknown gravity made me go back every single day, craving to know more about this new friend and about his world. Days passed and it was time for me to remove my account once and for all....

...I needed to escape from the network ...back then I was more retained more closed into-myself, I was not always like that but the events that occurred in my life made me change the person I was once...

I was scared, and somehow hated many of the proposals I was receiving, events in my life made me scared almost “homophobic”. Don't get me wrong I never done anything or discriminated anyone, I was just scared, again life happenings made me be scared.

But I somehow new this was not just an ordinary friendship it felt from the very beginning that something much more bigger was to be conceived. It was a friendship that would have not know any boundaries no distance and asked nothing in return ….just to listen and understand .

Thanks Gwanni,

Your friend C.  

The Other Side Of the Mirror

My new adventure on social network started deteriorating day by day, I was disgusted by many of the users asking for virtual sex. I was sick of them and their comments, I was not looking for a relation or to have some fun with an unknown person from God knows where, I just wanted a friendship or someone to talk to and relive me from my boring mornings as my friends were all gone back then!.

Now many started commenting on my image and pictures I appeared in, so I removed all of my personal pictures and replaced them with others...all I kept was my real name and country.

It was then when I met my dear friend Gwanni (John) it was my last day but the replies of him made me smile so I thought it was worth to keep a little longer.


My dear friends this is the version of the facts from the other side of the monitor, given by my friend Gwanni, the friend I met that day and never regretted I did, he kindly agreed to share his version and I am now glad to post this on his behalf.

The other side of the mirror 

In that month, when I realised my dream and opened my own store, I decided to “get back to origins” and opened a new hi5 account. I closed my account one year and half before, when my dear Kit-chi passed away. Together and even before him, I had so much good moments in hi5! Meet there a lot of friends – had more than 5000 friends there, from all over the World. ^^

This decision of returning to hi5 was very important to me – it means that I was finally ready to move on, after so much time suffering and even being in the hands of death, months earlier.

I'm a very leery boy [not that I like to be], but life made me be like that. When I meet new persons I tend to take some time to really trust them. I like to meet persons in social networks, in particular in the old days of hi5. Comparing it with Facebook  for example  I would prefer the good old hi5, because there you could only share things with those you like and those who were your friends there – now Facebook has that kind of settings too, but it took too much time. 

Either way, I still preferred the hi5 for meeting people.

Well, those reasons and the fact that I love to meet persons and their cultures from all over the World, made me return to hi5. My return wasn't going like I was used. In a year and half, many things changed. People changed a lot, turning to be more interested in “sex” and “webcam shows” than friendships. 

I got disappointed with persons, day by day. 

In the end, had only one friend in Mexico who was interesting enough to make me go again to talk there. But, even her got a boyfriend and left hi5. I decided to give up too. In my last day there, one beautiful day, a person called Sam send me a Friend Request. 

I was browsing and then heard a email coming.

Went see it. 

Saw the email. 

It was a Friend Request from hi5. 

Looked to the picture. It was a very interesting picture. A person, in a black and white photo, half naked, smiling kirky and hugging them self  hiding the boobs, with a very caring eyes-looking. The hair was short, like many girls do have now, but I thought:

“Fits her well!

She seems nice, lets give a try!” – I smiled happy and went once again to hi5. ^^

I was surprised.

Somehow, I felt that this person was to be special. I accepted this Friend Request and very soon, Sam sends me a message, saying:

“Thank you for accept my friend request!

My name is Sam, and you? :0)”  

I was still puzzled!

Was Sam a boy or a girl?

In my opinion  Sam could be the short name for Samuel [boy’s name] or Samantha [girl’s name].  So that’s why I was confused! :P

Well, I didn't want to hurt Sam’s feelings, but I was very curious to know!

So in my replying message, I asked “nicely” if he was a boy or a “tomboy”! *blushes*

Sam replied very soon again, asking me why I was asking that! 

Ended the reply, saying he was a boy! xD

I replied again explaining my doubts. 

Somehow, I knew I believe him. 

Deep inside, I felt I could really trust him! 

Sam loved the explanation! 

Send me a long message, with tons of questions about me and my country!

[Also explained me about the picture, that wasn't of him - it was a very cute girl, like I thought first!] 

[Sam is really cute too, btw!] :P

Once again, I replied and answered all his questions. I asked him a lot of things too, as I love to know more about different countries. He lives in a place across the ocean, a place that I never went, at least in this life – but will go in one of these days! ;D

We soon enough found we were very similar in many aspects. Day by day, we left comments in the murals of each one and for more personal questions, we used to left messages to each other.

A month after we met first time on hi5, Sam send me his email,with a small note:

“Just in case you wanna know me more!  ;o)” 

Of course I wanted to know him more…

An amazing story had began!

A story of a friendship that asked nothing in return, just to listen...and understand.

Pictures and story provided by Virgulas do Destino

A friend named John

Its funny how faith works, was suppose to delete my profile and forget about it in just minutes. What faith had in store was totally different. Found a friendship that withstood the proof of time.

Days after days I sent messages to my new friend (Gwanni), discovered a lot about his country (Portugal) and discovered that we were not so much different after all. Its funny when you think that a few days earlier he was thinking to delete his profile too, now we both found a special friendship, deeper then others I used to know. A friendship that asked nothing in return, just to listen...and understand.

For a reason I still not quite grab, I have told no one about the friendship I made. Perhaps I thought there was no reason to do so, and besides there was nothing wrong about it. It was just an on-line friendship, nothing more... well not quite true, it was more then just a friendship I knew deep inside that this friendship would lead me to a much different level of friendship. I knew this was no ordinary friendship can't explain why but I just knew!.

And all things happen for a reason they say, and this is one truth I would have discovered very soon.

Picture on loan from Virgulas do Destino

My name is John.

Winter made itself feel in its mighty glory just a few days after our return. With lots of time on my hand and most days I was unable to leave home due to the terrible weather, I discovered something that I have long forgotten....It was then when I triggered a hidden force, something I called destiny...

Brought to the light an old gift that for long it have been forgotten. I needed to kill some time and this gift seemed to show up to me at the right time.

What made me  join a social network, I have absolutely  no idea! but there I was, signing up on one. May be just to kill some time, or may be just to make new friends, as my friends have long departed me. Signed up and just after a very small while I received my very first request. It was kind of fun to interact with so many different cultures and ideas from across the globe. I loved a good discussion and loved the comments I started receiving about my pictures...loved to explain about my country and the places in my pictures...for many my country was new, never heard of.

It was fun until it lasted...I started receiving odd requests and soon I discovered that it was a bad idea to join a social network were everyone could see you and add you. Many started to be quite annoying and many times I founded them offensive. Just a few weeks after opening an account there I was!, signing in for the last time to trash my account. But that did not happen, received a comment on one of the posts I had on my profile, then a few minutes later received more comments about more pictures. Somehow I knew it was worth to keep the account may be just a little longer, after all there were good people there too...and after all it was a good choice to keep the account a little longer.

My name is John he said... it was the start of a true and strong friendship from across the ocean.... 

 Picture by google images 

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt 

My profile picture at the time 

The beginning of the end

When a bird is alive it eats ants and when a bird is dead, ants eat the bird, time and circumstances can change at any time. Don’t devalue or hurt anyone in your life. You may be powerful today but remember that time is more powerful then you. One tree makes a million match sticks but only one match stick is needed to burn down a million trees. 

So be good and do good. 

The End... 

What a relief!, I was now free (or almost free!) gave 11 years of service to the company, I had no extra days off in 5 years!, except when Cassidy was in hospital.
I was called by the directors and the management for a meeting, they offered me more money, but I refused them on the spot. All I wanted was to get out of there, I worked far too long and under the worst circumstances, more then anyone could take!.

By law had to work a notice period, and to my disbelief I had to suck it in for an other 3 months!. It was either that way or pay 3 months of notice!. I was happy to pay a 3 months notice to the company...but then I thought (why?). I sweated my ass off for so many years, I gave all that I had, sacrificed so much!. I proposed a deal. And to my more disbelieve they accepted!. They freeking accepted!!!. My proposal was, that I work for 3 months, but only a 40 hour!, they can forget the 60 hour a week!, and I wanted my leave balance to be paid! I never took any leave in 5 years   that meant I had over a year of balance left!.

And so it was, I many times regretted the fact I made such a proposal, and many times I wanted to kick my own self, but then I used to tell my self, (you stood for so many years, what 3 months mean now? and besides I'm working only 40 hours a week).

The others... what happened to them?...

Joe, remained at the hotel, after my resignation promoted to sous chef. He moved living in with Ta Chan. 

Ta Chan, Left the hotel after a few months I left, her and Jo living together . who knows perhaps wedding bells are in the air?.  

Jessica, resigned after 6 months I did, now working more happy and less stressed and perhaps she have more time to spend with her family....and especially her son. 

Tassu, left the country and went working in the UK, he is now father of two beautiful children. 

Rose, left the island for a holiday in Germany, now married to a German man, last I heard from her said she will make a come back soon. 

Tomo Chan, resigned from the hotel the same week I did, now happily working in a small restaurant, last time I saw her she was enjoying her meal in the restaurant I am working in, her son enjoyed the kitchen tour I gave him and loved sending the orders out!. 

Rosanna, happily married in Switzerland now a proud mother of 3 kids. 

Chef Kazu, back in Japan opened his 3rd sushi restaurant in Hiroshima!. Proud dad of daughter Luna.    

Taka, back to Japan,  happy married father of two kids. 

Vince, Not happily married, the new position got into him now the director of a major 5* hotel. 

SiSi, still working at the hotel, just had her daughter wedding last summer. 

Clint, took over my position for a month then left the hotel to work in a new opened restaurant, bribed some of the staff to join him. He was fired a week after the opening of the restaurant  unable to find job on the island due to his reputation he now seeks fortune in the UK.  

Chef, still working at the hotel, received a message if I wanted to go back....my answer? FUCK YOU !! :) 

Nigel, never heard from him since...

Therese, separated from her husband, found love on the island, fighting for custody of her children, last time I had a chat with her she said she was missing her children quite badly and was dying to go back to the Philippines!.




From this moment onwards my story will change dramatically, the long introduction was necessary for you to understand me and get a picture of my personality. Also I wanted to write it all down as a reminder, for me to be able to look back and see how long I have come.

It was an ode to love, my love for Cassidy, an apology to her for turning to such a jerk many times. I may not have mentioned it much but I love her, I do...and despite what happened I was always loyal to her and I'm sure she was to me. I may have "betrayed" her trust in a way many times, I may have many times walked away from her, but I loved her ...I was always true. True with her true with me true with you!. Even if many times I was silent and distant, the flame that started 9 years ago still burns.

To those that I have addressed many posts, I want to let you know that my feelings never changed, what I said I still believe, and you will always be a vital part in my life. The feelings I felt will always be imprinted in my heart, mind and soul.  Wish many times we had not said goodbye, as I miss you much. And this silence pains me a lot. Perhaps one day you will understand my feelings, that I carried and still carry.

And here I call the end of my long bumpy journey. I shared the ups and downs of my life with you my friends. This is the end of the first chapter, and the beginning of a new one.  

Pictures by google images and tumblr

All good things come to an end (Part 4)

Goodbye Mr nice guy;

I could not trust, it was time to raise the white flag and call the surrender... 

Right after the festive season I asked to be transferred to a new position, I could not work in such an environment, and besides all of my complains to chef were pointless!, he would have not listened. His reply was a constant!, always the same prompt answer "your over reacting Hotei, and if you think you have a problem, try and sort it out by yourself..."

At first my proposal was ignored, and this only made things worst. I started to change, I started not to trust..I became cold, stopped joking with the others, for me (I thought) they are no longer friends, they are just co-workers and I should have treated then as such from the very first day...

No more a smile on my face and many started asking me what was going on, but I never gave an answer back...

My change effected the others and the kitchen atmosphere turned  cold and it was heavy to breath, I let no one approach me...

Jessica was the one to worry and notice my drastic change, she many times tried to make me smile, but now it was just to late, and I was just too stubborn to listen...
Finally my request was accepted and I was moved to a new post...but now something was different I could not change to the one I used to be, I somehow liked the person I have become. Many were just intimidated by my stare, and the way I addressed them. I didn't mind, it was perfect! they "feared" me and no one dared to question me anything...but this made me only grow more distant and colder....to every one...

I trusted only a few persons...but I still kept a step back...

Then...this "Change" effected me more then I could ever imagine, it took over me. The "new me" gave me confidence and made me not see clearly... Cassidy noticed my drastic change but I guess she preferred  not to say anything. I was cold to her as well and the stress from work effected our relationship and the misadventures in renovating our home did not help. It was like a constant build up of emotions and broken dreams.

The new emotion rooted deep within me, it protected me, now no one could touch this person I have become...

I tried to not let work matters affect me at home..but it was now just too late. I started treating Cassidy the same way I treated the others. I was blinded with this new emotion, I hated this emotion and at the same time I loved it. It made me feel safe.

I am not sure what made Cassidy remain by my side, many times I did not want to meet her after work as I knew this meant more stress and more arguments about the renovation works. I preferred to go home and try to escape from it all even if for a few hours. My life was now work and sleep. I slept every time I could get some free time it was my way to escape, and many times on a free day I would just go by the sea and watch the waves break down on the coast, anything! as long as I was alone....

An other year was gone by... 

Again Jessica came congratulating "me" for the good job, our restaurant won an award, she hugged me and whispered in my ear "you know? the others are quite pissed, especially Clint! they did not qualify for the award this year". I sort of gave in a smile to her that day...but that was it.

Chef came that evening to give us the news, it was like the same deja-vous  repeating... the same as he said the year before...I was very pissed this time, but said nothing.
Went home that day and laid down on my bed, but somehow I could not sleep...I had this constant resonating voice in my head..."you can't take this Hotei..you will not take this Hotei". I stood up and started writing a letter, it came out all spontaneous like it was all already written in my head and my hand was the printer.

Went rushed to work and handed the letter I wrote the night before, I had decided..it was no longer my place to be....

The very next morning I received a call, it was a man asking me if he could talk to me about work, I without any hesitation excepted to do so.

And so destiny started unfolding its magic on me, the wheel started its cycle and I could not stop it or change its direction. I met the gentile man that called me and he offered me a job, I accepted with out the sign of a doubt...  

Picture by google images

All good things come to an end (Part 3)

A transfer!?,
Chef came to me asking what happened in the kitchen and what was all this friction about?.
Apparently Clint asked for a transfer, as he said it was impossible to work and cope with me!. Well to be honest with you it came as a relief, was happy he asked to be moved as he undone all of my work that took me months to achieve, in just days!.

For about 2 months all was going fine again, and luckily the brigade was back on track in no time.

About 2 months before Christmas one of the guys, asked me if he could leave 2 hours early, now normally such a request must be headed to the executive but I knew that this guy had a few clashes with the executive, for  a few reasons.
 This guy had many issues, personal issues...and these reflected in his performance during work, I usually covered for him in a way or an other. So this time was no difference I granted him the permission, he even said he will come after a few hours and make sure his section is fine. But that did not happen!, he did not return and in aim to cover his ass I tried to finish he's work, but chef got to find out....and I was in trouble...

I was truly mad at him but I thought something must have happened to him, so I just let it go. These events continued over and over and many have started abusing from my "soft" side, I was pretty strict but when it came to personal matters I closed an eye, I used to tell my self  (it could have been you Hotei!).

After a month or so Clint had to make a comeback, I tried to ignore him as much as possible, but that was not always possible.

                                          _____________________________________

"Congratulations!! Hotei, the restaurant won an award, we are listed number 9th best restaurant on the island!!"  Jessica Shouted entering the kitchen. "you made it!".
The whole kitchen was trilled to the news, we had come so far, had so many obstacles but in the end the extra effort paid off!.

I was pretty proud of what all of us had done, but it was a short lived happy moment!. According to chef it was just a hit of luck and that I did not deserve to go and claim the award!. I was very sorry and took it quite badly.....

Instead of crying out loud about it I just ignored it and went on with the daily routine. The festive season was close and we started working hard on the items for the menu. One evening remained at work till almost 3am making (Ravioli), it was a long day but at least the job was done and I could carry on with an other item. The next morning or I should say a few hours later I returned to work and entered to a surreal silent kitchen. I asked what was the matter, but no one seamed to want to answer....Clint came forward and said "you see, this morning upon entering the kitchen we found the freezer door open".

My work...all down the drain...all of the ravioli turned to a gooey mass!. Had to throw all of them in the bin...and start all over again.
The next day re-made the whole batch with some help and made sure the freezer was properly closed! (not that I wasn't sure that I haven't closed it the first time, but you cant point fingers in these cases).

I had to be careful, someone was massing with me, and  I could be sure that the situation would have gone out of control... 

The next morning went in earlier then usual and to my disbelieve I had found the freezer switched off from the main switch...I was still in time to save the work...now I was sure...and I had an idea of whom it might be...

Picture by google images