The rain whispered.

Destiny is what created this blog and guess its destiny that is knocking on my door again. Just by coincidence wanted to read the last actual post I wrote, it have been a long while and I could not remember what was it or what it talked about. It was ordinary. Yes just like me, but there! something made me smile. Something made me say the old words "ah! destiny" long time I did not mention you!. And here you are again on my threshold waiting and waving for me. What was it you ask? "Monday, 24 February 2014" the same date as today! call that a coincidence!.



I do not know how many times I have come here and stared for hours at a blank screen. Perhaps hitting a few buttons and then moments later hit the delete button and erase all in mere seconds.

But unexpected events, warm whispers from distant friends keep coming at night, waking me up. Sweet hauntings, mellow lullabies. This I cannot delete, these I cannot turn my back too. And guess this is how it all started on a cold rainy day. Days like these make me feel the want to write. Perhaps the charcoal grey of the sky reminds me of the traces the pen leaves on a blank page. The smell of winter and the tight grasp of all that is winter drags me to this nostalgic state of mind. The cold wind howling, raindrops frantically bombing my window and the smell of wet grass, yes this is it the perfect recipe for winter. The perfect setting for me to remember. The perfect time for words and thoughts to sprout.

Still it is not easy to pick the exact words I want to say, its not easy to break the thick layer of ice that it has been created, but even the biggest of journeys have its start with a very humble beginning.

What to say? ordinary! that is me, that is what it have become of me. Still cashing my dreams, new dreams, its funny it never stops  a vicious circle this is!!. always wanting more, always looking for something new as insignificant or bombastic as it may be. So nothing really have changed you may think, perhaps not much, its the same old me. The same old me missing my dear friends and missing this world of words and thoughts.

Sometimes I take a little peek at this magical world for a tiny while but unfortunately it stops there, other times I grab a notebook that came across the ocean and a pen that the waves brought on these shores long before, but it stops there, words simply don't flow.

Even now I look at these few lines and the only word I seem to find fitting is eclectic. That's me always wanting to make a lot, starting a hundreds of  tasks and finish none of them. And I guess this is another beginning, another chapter of my life, a fresh page.... this thanks to you for waking me up dear rain...dear friends...and here it starts...

Picture by tumblr

The horrible truth

"I think you are making a terrible mistake Hotei!"

 "Think about it, think about your life...your future"

 "Don't make choices you will regret later"

"This story never had a future from the very start"

"You should be where you belong, and you don't belong here"

His words resonated for hours in my head, after all of those sweet words, he turned cold he felt distant... now that I was so close to meet him... Now that all was making sense...now that I thought I knew...

He walked away never looking back, without saying a goodbye, a smile or maybe a sign. I am not sure or perhaps I can't remember if I missed him, it have been so long now, that the image of him is almost fading. The memory of those days staring at a suitcase are so far, I can barely recognise the person staring at a travelling bag ready to leave.

We have not known each other for long, this story was too short, the last chapter came too soon. But guess just long enough to feel the pain of separation. Left with words unsaid, leaving only a slight feeling of regret of things I wish I could have said. Many times I wonder if you ever wanted to tell me a last word, or even just a horrible cold goodbye.

Within the days that came, I just stared at the idle screen of my laptop. I was not sure if he would have ever came back, but I was now sure I wanted to be far away from the pain he caused.


For every action there is a an opposite reaction they say, there where times were I hated him, there were times where I missed him and there where times I just forgot him...forgot all the collection of new feelings he caused to happen.

The day I found myself ready to walk away was with the help of my close friend even though he was miles away. On that day I started writing a diary as a reminder of my mistakes, gains and pain this journey caused. So that I would look back and know how far I have grown and come. What I didn't know was that destiny had more ready for me....

Picture by tumblr 

A hasty decision (part2)

For days after my arrival back home I avoided any contact with Guga, I was now sure of my feelings for Cassidy, I love her. I am sure, I do. I don't have the remote doubt about it.  Still, I wanted to know what was that feeling pressing upon my chest, why Guga would not leave me  alone... Why he constantly invaded my dreams.... 

To walk toward the decision I made was not easy, I have tried to control my feelings, but one cant undone or turn off his feelings. It takes time. Sometimes it never heals, it remains a constant at the back of our heads and sometimes it comes back to the surface without any warning, leaving us in denial.

Not sure if it was just a coincidence,  faith or destiny, but whatever it was, I found it to be cruel, a sick joke played by an unknown uncontrollable force. 

I could not ignore this soft murmur, this constant call in my head. It came to me just like a shadow, a light breeze still holding a residue of his voice. A lullaby that played the same tune over and over. I wished them to stop, leave me alone, let me rule my own thoughts again.

There was only one way to stop this haunting. I must go look for the answer to this question there were it was born. But leaving towards the black unknown felt like the hardest decision  I ever made in my life. As hard as it would have been saying to Cassidy that I would be leaving for a while, a goodbye would make it even more difficult. She wouldn't let me go and I wouldn't be able to release her from my last embrace, even if I knew it would have not been the very last. Watching her waving goodbye would just be to much to take.

Picture by  google images 

A hasty decision...

Only God knows how much I prayed, only God knows what kind of thoughts passed trough my head. I was on the verge of insanity. How could have this happen to me? how? and why?. I always thought I knew what I wanted from my life, I was sure I knew. But there I was, lost and confused.

I needed time to be alone, to think things over. I wanted to be away from everyone and everything. But its hard when you have commitments, and even harder when the farther you can be is just a few km away, and most probably or eventually will meet or bump into someone you know to remind you of who you are and where you come from, these are the disadvantages of living on an island measuring 14/27 km!.

For days I avoided opening my laptop and for days I heard this voice coming out of it calling my name and asking me to go back. I was going mad.

Then a godsend!, my friend from the UK invited Cass and me to stay over her house for a few days. I accepted without any hesitation, and Cass looked quite trilled too to the idea. The invitation came at the right time and moment, it was what the both of us needed.

I left the voices in my head back home and left to the quiet of the English countryside. It was what I needed, it was what the both of us needed. At the back of my head Guga was still a constant, but everyday that passed he felt distant and even more distant. It was like, I could see clearly again, he was still lingered in my head but I felt like I knew what was happening to me. I felt somehow, some what reborn!. It felt good...

Extended my stay by 4 more days, travelled south to London, and booked a lovely room in a small hotel, situated in the centre (for those who knows the TV series upstairs downstairs, it was one of those old mentions renovated and turned to boutique hotels). Very romantic, we had all the time and quiet we needed and wanted.

Loved to hear you breath while you sleep..

Loved to feel your warm breath on my chest...

Waking beside you...warm..

while outside was cold....

Listening to the rain while we both felt into deep sleep...

On my return home I knew what I wanted to do..... I knew it was a very hasty decision, but I was sure I wanted to do it!. There was no other options, and I felt like it was my  make me or break me decision...this would have been the final answer, I would have all of the answers I needed or simply loose everything I had . All that I wanted to know would have come to me, only...would it be all the same? and would I take it? and mostly important, what will Cassidy think?....would we survive this as-well?...

Its not always easy to share, to be continued ...

Pictures by tumblr and Hotei.

The fall

I tried to give a name to the feelings inside my head but as much as I might have tried all was in vain, or perhaps I was scared to give it a name. I could try as I may but I could not get Guga out of my head, he followed me during the day, at night he ruled my thoughts making it hard to close my eyes. He taunted me in my dreams. He became my refuge, my escape, my strength.

For days I was lost in the meanders of my mind, to finally put an answer to my questions. With each passing day the more I wanted to know about this person, that now was well deep under my skin.

Love?, could it be possible...how? In my entire life I had never felt such a gravity towards my own sex, now.. all of a sudden it was happening. I must be honest, I hated my self, I tried to ignore this feeling but the more I tried the more I wanted of him. There I was... lost and confused.

Cassidy knew something was not right, but decided not to ask, I decided not to share, after all our relationship started deteriorating bit by bit, and I could have never found the guts to talk things out, this is not natural or real I thought. But it was real, as real as the air I breathe. Could not tell anyone about it, was afraid that no one would understand what was going on inside my head. After all I could not understand my own self and feelings, to that day I only imagined love between the opposite sex, love between the same sex was simply unthinkable!. Then slowly I started placing answers to my questions, Love could come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love could overcome distance, love could change one's beliefs.

Now I gave a name to the feeling that invaded my body and mind, but was it the same from the other side of the monitor?.

Guga seemed to be honest, I believed in him and in all that he said. He opened my eyes to look to the meaning of love in a totally different way I was used to... and I was ready to take every risk just to know he shared the same feeling I did...every risk...even at cost of loosing her...

Picture by tumblr 

Sweet decadence

Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 

Can you fall for someone you've never met?

I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...

Picture by tumblr

Things I wish I never knew

Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.

I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  

Picture by tumbler 

A secret friendship?

Guga left me strangely addicted to him, for a reason I could not tell nor understand. I would go early in the morning and check the messages he left me the night before. I was sure he truly enjoyed my company and especially my friendship. (I still believe he did).

Our friendship continued out of hi5 and somehow we both managed to find time were both could talk live, not more by means of those long messages. One thing I found oddly strange while talking to him on MSN was that it felt like talking to a person I knew for a long time, a life time!, or perhaps because we had very similar tastes.

Mr Chef!! he'll tell me every single time just to mock me, always had a question ready about food or something related. And I was always ready to mock him about his cooking and his "Bimbi machine". Chucking raw food in a machine and wait for it to chop it and cooks it!. That's not real food! I used to say!. He hated it and I loved it! :)

This friendship was only started may be a month and a half before but it looked like it would have gone a very long way. He even considered a trip over here to be able to meet.

Strange the fact that I told no one about this friendship, perhaps was afraid that Cassidy would just start all over again about me being too naive and too trusty. Thing is I did not see anything wrong in it actually I found it to be quite a fascinating friendship.

One thing I did not know for sure, was if I was doing the right thing not to tell anyone about it, then again what bad it can bring, or be to have a secret friend?. After all my friends I had over here all abandoned me cause I became cold and distant.  

Picture google images 

You have a friend request.

Rainy day again.... as always on that harsh winter, one of the worst I can remember that hit the island in years. Not able to get out in the morning, logged in as usual on my new hi5 account. Had 10's of requests as always, all as usual, not quite...

Ignored most and added just a few as always. While browsing the new "friends" profiles and replying to some of the messages, a picture caught my attention, at first thought it was one of mine and thought "what is this picture doing on a strangers profile?!" then realised many where similar to mine four pictures where identical!, or almost, the angle changed by a little. Curious I decided to comment on one of them and left a simple message saying "we might have crossed our way without realising :) ". 

The day after logged in early in the morning as I wanted to see if I had received a comment or a reply back, but nothing, no luck. Still curious and bored to death, continued to browse trough pictures on the strangers profile, I could not get much information as most was blocked, all I could see were pictures. Then a few minutes later received a message saying "indeed, loved it in there!". I replied with just an emoticon ( :) ) not quite sure what to say and not quite knowing why I did comment in the first place and actually felt a wee stupid for doing so. Received yet an other message and then an other, asking me when I did take take the pictures and where I was from. I replied without hesitation and asked back the same questions. Portugal! he said (and yet again for privacy sake I'll be calling him Guga) .

Incredible! we been in London on the same dates visited places on the same day and yet we had to meet again a week after online!. 

This person (Guga) had a certain charisma, he was fun in his own way and very educated. He was not vulgar, but out of the ordinary polite... too nice to be real, not like the many others out there. 

Said goodbye after a few minutes, I logged out a little puzzled not quite sure what it have been said. It felt weird or perhaps a little awkward more then weird. Yet I left with a smirk on my face, like the one a kid has when discovering something new and he is ready to shout it to the world. Picked up Cassidy from work and told her about the pictures, she just said to me "you are too naive sometimes Hotei its just a coincidence and you must not trust strangers, you are old enough to know that". She left me with that and I never brought up the subject ever again....ever since.  

I many times wish I have listened to her....but I did not. Went my way and never shared what happened to me from that day onwards..not yet at least...  

picture by google images

A friend named John

Its funny how faith works, was suppose to delete my profile and forget about it in just minutes. What faith had in store was totally different. Found a friendship that withstood the proof of time.

Days after days I sent messages to my new friend (Gwanni), discovered a lot about his country (Portugal) and discovered that we were not so much different after all. Its funny when you think that a few days earlier he was thinking to delete his profile too, now we both found a special friendship, deeper then others I used to know. A friendship that asked nothing in return, just to listen...and understand.

For a reason I still not quite grab, I have told no one about the friendship I made. Perhaps I thought there was no reason to do so, and besides there was nothing wrong about it. It was just an on-line friendship, nothing more... well not quite true, it was more then just a friendship I knew deep inside that this friendship would lead me to a much different level of friendship. I knew this was no ordinary friendship can't explain why but I just knew!.

And all things happen for a reason they say, and this is one truth I would have discovered very soon.

Picture on loan from Virgulas do Destino

My name is John.

Winter made itself feel in its mighty glory just a few days after our return. With lots of time on my hand and most days I was unable to leave home due to the terrible weather, I discovered something that I have long forgotten....It was then when I triggered a hidden force, something I called destiny...

Brought to the light an old gift that for long it have been forgotten. I needed to kill some time and this gift seemed to show up to me at the right time.

What made me  join a social network, I have absolutely  no idea! but there I was, signing up on one. May be just to kill some time, or may be just to make new friends, as my friends have long departed me. Signed up and just after a very small while I received my very first request. It was kind of fun to interact with so many different cultures and ideas from across the globe. I loved a good discussion and loved the comments I started receiving about my pictures...loved to explain about my country and the places in my pictures...for many my country was new, never heard of.

It was fun until it lasted...I started receiving odd requests and soon I discovered that it was a bad idea to join a social network were everyone could see you and add you. Many started to be quite annoying and many times I founded them offensive. Just a few weeks after opening an account there I was!, signing in for the last time to trash my account. But that did not happen, received a comment on one of the posts I had on my profile, then a few minutes later received more comments about more pictures. Somehow I knew it was worth to keep the account may be just a little longer, after all there were good people there too...and after all it was a good choice to keep the account a little longer.

My name is John he said... it was the start of a true and strong friendship from across the ocean.... 

 Picture by google images 

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt 

My profile picture at the time 

The beginning of the end

When a bird is alive it eats ants and when a bird is dead, ants eat the bird, time and circumstances can change at any time. Don’t devalue or hurt anyone in your life. You may be powerful today but remember that time is more powerful then you. One tree makes a million match sticks but only one match stick is needed to burn down a million trees. 

So be good and do good. 

The End... 

What a relief!, I was now free (or almost free!) gave 11 years of service to the company, I had no extra days off in 5 years!, except when Cassidy was in hospital.
I was called by the directors and the management for a meeting, they offered me more money, but I refused them on the spot. All I wanted was to get out of there, I worked far too long and under the worst circumstances, more then anyone could take!.

By law had to work a notice period, and to my disbelief I had to suck it in for an other 3 months!. It was either that way or pay 3 months of notice!. I was happy to pay a 3 months notice to the company...but then I thought (why?). I sweated my ass off for so many years, I gave all that I had, sacrificed so much!. I proposed a deal. And to my more disbelieve they accepted!. They freeking accepted!!!. My proposal was, that I work for 3 months, but only a 40 hour!, they can forget the 60 hour a week!, and I wanted my leave balance to be paid! I never took any leave in 5 years   that meant I had over a year of balance left!.

And so it was, I many times regretted the fact I made such a proposal, and many times I wanted to kick my own self, but then I used to tell my self, (you stood for so many years, what 3 months mean now? and besides I'm working only 40 hours a week).

The others... what happened to them?...

Joe, remained at the hotel, after my resignation promoted to sous chef. He moved living in with Ta Chan. 

Ta Chan, Left the hotel after a few months I left, her and Jo living together . who knows perhaps wedding bells are in the air?.  

Jessica, resigned after 6 months I did, now working more happy and less stressed and perhaps she have more time to spend with her family....and especially her son. 

Tassu, left the country and went working in the UK, he is now father of two beautiful children. 

Rose, left the island for a holiday in Germany, now married to a German man, last I heard from her said she will make a come back soon. 

Tomo Chan, resigned from the hotel the same week I did, now happily working in a small restaurant, last time I saw her she was enjoying her meal in the restaurant I am working in, her son enjoyed the kitchen tour I gave him and loved sending the orders out!. 

Rosanna, happily married in Switzerland now a proud mother of 3 kids. 

Chef Kazu, back in Japan opened his 3rd sushi restaurant in Hiroshima!. Proud dad of daughter Luna.    

Taka, back to Japan,  happy married father of two kids. 

Vince, Not happily married, the new position got into him now the director of a major 5* hotel. 

SiSi, still working at the hotel, just had her daughter wedding last summer. 

Clint, took over my position for a month then left the hotel to work in a new opened restaurant, bribed some of the staff to join him. He was fired a week after the opening of the restaurant  unable to find job on the island due to his reputation he now seeks fortune in the UK.  

Chef, still working at the hotel, received a message if I wanted to go back....my answer? FUCK YOU !! :) 

Nigel, never heard from him since...

Therese, separated from her husband, found love on the island, fighting for custody of her children, last time I had a chat with her she said she was missing her children quite badly and was dying to go back to the Philippines!.




From this moment onwards my story will change dramatically, the long introduction was necessary for you to understand me and get a picture of my personality. Also I wanted to write it all down as a reminder, for me to be able to look back and see how long I have come.

It was an ode to love, my love for Cassidy, an apology to her for turning to such a jerk many times. I may not have mentioned it much but I love her, I do...and despite what happened I was always loyal to her and I'm sure she was to me. I may have "betrayed" her trust in a way many times, I may have many times walked away from her, but I loved her ...I was always true. True with her true with me true with you!. Even if many times I was silent and distant, the flame that started 9 years ago still burns.

To those that I have addressed many posts, I want to let you know that my feelings never changed, what I said I still believe, and you will always be a vital part in my life. The feelings I felt will always be imprinted in my heart, mind and soul.  Wish many times we had not said goodbye, as I miss you much. And this silence pains me a lot. Perhaps one day you will understand my feelings, that I carried and still carry.

And here I call the end of my long bumpy journey. I shared the ups and downs of my life with you my friends. This is the end of the first chapter, and the beginning of a new one.  

Pictures by google images and tumblr

All good things come to an end (Part 4)

Goodbye Mr nice guy;

I could not trust, it was time to raise the white flag and call the surrender... 

Right after the festive season I asked to be transferred to a new position, I could not work in such an environment, and besides all of my complains to chef were pointless!, he would have not listened. His reply was a constant!, always the same prompt answer "your over reacting Hotei, and if you think you have a problem, try and sort it out by yourself..."

At first my proposal was ignored, and this only made things worst. I started to change, I started not to trust..I became cold, stopped joking with the others, for me (I thought) they are no longer friends, they are just co-workers and I should have treated then as such from the very first day...

No more a smile on my face and many started asking me what was going on, but I never gave an answer back...

My change effected the others and the kitchen atmosphere turned  cold and it was heavy to breath, I let no one approach me...

Jessica was the one to worry and notice my drastic change, she many times tried to make me smile, but now it was just to late, and I was just too stubborn to listen...
Finally my request was accepted and I was moved to a new post...but now something was different I could not change to the one I used to be, I somehow liked the person I have become. Many were just intimidated by my stare, and the way I addressed them. I didn't mind, it was perfect! they "feared" me and no one dared to question me anything...but this made me only grow more distant and colder....to every one...

I trusted only a few persons...but I still kept a step back...

Then...this "Change" effected me more then I could ever imagine, it took over me. The "new me" gave me confidence and made me not see clearly... Cassidy noticed my drastic change but I guess she preferred  not to say anything. I was cold to her as well and the stress from work effected our relationship and the misadventures in renovating our home did not help. It was like a constant build up of emotions and broken dreams.

The new emotion rooted deep within me, it protected me, now no one could touch this person I have become...

I tried to not let work matters affect me at home..but it was now just too late. I started treating Cassidy the same way I treated the others. I was blinded with this new emotion, I hated this emotion and at the same time I loved it. It made me feel safe.

I am not sure what made Cassidy remain by my side, many times I did not want to meet her after work as I knew this meant more stress and more arguments about the renovation works. I preferred to go home and try to escape from it all even if for a few hours. My life was now work and sleep. I slept every time I could get some free time it was my way to escape, and many times on a free day I would just go by the sea and watch the waves break down on the coast, anything! as long as I was alone....

An other year was gone by... 

Again Jessica came congratulating "me" for the good job, our restaurant won an award, she hugged me and whispered in my ear "you know? the others are quite pissed, especially Clint! they did not qualify for the award this year". I sort of gave in a smile to her that day...but that was it.

Chef came that evening to give us the news, it was like the same deja-vous  repeating... the same as he said the year before...I was very pissed this time, but said nothing.
Went home that day and laid down on my bed, but somehow I could not sleep...I had this constant resonating voice in my head..."you can't take this Hotei..you will not take this Hotei". I stood up and started writing a letter, it came out all spontaneous like it was all already written in my head and my hand was the printer.

Went rushed to work and handed the letter I wrote the night before, I had decided..it was no longer my place to be....

The very next morning I received a call, it was a man asking me if he could talk to me about work, I without any hesitation excepted to do so.

And so destiny started unfolding its magic on me, the wheel started its cycle and I could not stop it or change its direction. I met the gentile man that called me and he offered me a job, I accepted with out the sign of a doubt...  

Picture by google images

All good things come to an end (Part 3)

A transfer!?,
Chef came to me asking what happened in the kitchen and what was all this friction about?.
Apparently Clint asked for a transfer, as he said it was impossible to work and cope with me!. Well to be honest with you it came as a relief, was happy he asked to be moved as he undone all of my work that took me months to achieve, in just days!.

For about 2 months all was going fine again, and luckily the brigade was back on track in no time.

About 2 months before Christmas one of the guys, asked me if he could leave 2 hours early, now normally such a request must be headed to the executive but I knew that this guy had a few clashes with the executive, for  a few reasons.
 This guy had many issues, personal issues...and these reflected in his performance during work, I usually covered for him in a way or an other. So this time was no difference I granted him the permission, he even said he will come after a few hours and make sure his section is fine. But that did not happen!, he did not return and in aim to cover his ass I tried to finish he's work, but chef got to find out....and I was in trouble...

I was truly mad at him but I thought something must have happened to him, so I just let it go. These events continued over and over and many have started abusing from my "soft" side, I was pretty strict but when it came to personal matters I closed an eye, I used to tell my self  (it could have been you Hotei!).

After a month or so Clint had to make a comeback, I tried to ignore him as much as possible, but that was not always possible.

                                          _____________________________________

"Congratulations!! Hotei, the restaurant won an award, we are listed number 9th best restaurant on the island!!"  Jessica Shouted entering the kitchen. "you made it!".
The whole kitchen was trilled to the news, we had come so far, had so many obstacles but in the end the extra effort paid off!.

I was pretty proud of what all of us had done, but it was a short lived happy moment!. According to chef it was just a hit of luck and that I did not deserve to go and claim the award!. I was very sorry and took it quite badly.....

Instead of crying out loud about it I just ignored it and went on with the daily routine. The festive season was close and we started working hard on the items for the menu. One evening remained at work till almost 3am making (Ravioli), it was a long day but at least the job was done and I could carry on with an other item. The next morning or I should say a few hours later I returned to work and entered to a surreal silent kitchen. I asked what was the matter, but no one seamed to want to answer....Clint came forward and said "you see, this morning upon entering the kitchen we found the freezer door open".

My work...all down the drain...all of the ravioli turned to a gooey mass!. Had to throw all of them in the bin...and start all over again.
The next day re-made the whole batch with some help and made sure the freezer was properly closed! (not that I wasn't sure that I haven't closed it the first time, but you cant point fingers in these cases).

I had to be careful, someone was massing with me, and  I could be sure that the situation would have gone out of control... 

The next morning went in earlier then usual and to my disbelieve I had found the freezer switched off from the main switch...I was still in time to save the work...now I was sure...and I had an idea of whom it might be...

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All good things come to an end (Part 2)

The new guy (Clint) was very experienced, it took him just a short while to get used to the system. I thought it meant that finally I got to get my day off again. But this did not happen as on my first day off in a month the new guy called in sick. Well, these things happen I thought.

A few days passed and I started noticing  friction among the staff, its like something was bugging them and most were about to explode any minute. It was normal, the stress levels were high, we still managed to joke around to keep up the spirits high!. 2 weeks later it was my day off so Clint would replace me, again he called in sick, and I had to go on duty again. Got to work and received a call from him, saying that he was sorry and that usually he is not like that!.
To be honest I was pissed, but whining about it would just have made it worst!.

Then..... one morning right after breakfast I asked one of the members to chop up some vegetable and the response was, "I'm busy doing something else, ask Clint to do it he always skives!".
I could not believe what I just heard, no one replied to me that way for months! not even under the worst circumstances!. I replied to him, "its ok...its not that important, you do it when your done from what you are doing"...
This was not normal there was like an electricity in the air, something was bound to happen very soon, but I could not find what was the problem as no one ever came to me complaining. A few days later while sorting out the walk in cooler found beer hidden underneath the shelves, went over to Clint and asked him if he knew anything about it, he attacked me saying "why do you ask me? ask the others!".

That's it! it had started! The kitchen was in a mess again! no one wanted to take responsibilities, anything I asked the answer was I don't know!. That was the final drop I took a drastic measure and rotated the staff on different shift but this was not working and now over heard Clint saying that I was too young to lead such a kitchen!. ohhh ! all I remember is that I erupted!. Told him what I thought of him, and weather he likes it or not.... that is the situation! there were only two options ether  follows my orders or get the hell out of there! and there was no room and no chance he could question one of my orders! the buck stops here!.

 This somehow got some days of quiet...but the harmony was now broken, nothing could be the same again...

Picture by google images 

All good things come to an end.

Year 2010;

With the bad luck that struck the both of us and the desperate need for funds to renovate our dream home, a promotion was truly a God send!.

I hated my new position! I was simply to good to deal with 8 rebellious kitchen members, and guess being the youngest to deal with all of them was no easy task!. Trying to convince them that this puny man knows what he is talking about!.....if you know what I mean!?...
I wanted to give up, after all there was no shame in it, many have tried to control the brigade with a poor result!. But have anyone ever stopped and listened to what they wanted to say?. So that is what  I did before throwing the towel!. I must admit work was not easy! it was stressful and awfully busy, and the heat was just "infernal" and not to mention the space restriction!(so you couldn't really blame the guys for there behaviour) The kitchen was tiny..but I mean really small! I called it the Barbie kitchen cause it was so small, just a 15sqm elongated oblong!.

Tailor-made the roster to fit everyone needs, and make them all work more at ease.  Sacrificed 3 hours of my free mornings for months by going in early to be able to write down a daily menu and guide them step by step trough it!. But I did not mind at all! the change in there attitude was clearly visible and I gained there trust completely, if I asked them to back flip they would have done it! (no kidding!).

Then one fine day the so called black cloud hit us! I'm talking about the (recession). Apparently the hotel made a considerable loss!, more by mismanagement in my opinion then by lack of work, the hotel was constantly full 365days a year!. What made the company hit the bottom was the wrong investments and not mentioning the over half a million in food bills charged to the hotel for personal entertainment by the directors, but as I always say the hotel worked in mysterious ways that no one could ever understand!.

So there I was facing to loose half of my now settled brigade, the executive clean swept away  my tight laced kitchen by half its man power!. I was given a small bonus for the work done, and to shut my mouth and oblige to the decision.

Well... I did not! convinced the director that if the kitchen was to be halved the standard would go down dramatically, it was physically impossible for 4 man do the work of 8!. This only prolongated the situation for a few months as within 2 months one member after the other was transferred... to different posts.

Then I was sick and I was tired of it, it was impossible to cope, every single person of us was demotivated to the point in loosing interest in the work done. We just needed to be fast, cook and out! no time for quality it was quality against quantity. Over a time period of 6 months over 9 members left or were sent away from every department, keeping the "skellington staff" as they called it!. Then..... a ray of light... a new addition!   a new team member!!  felt like the "mana" sent to help Moses!.

Or so I thought...

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Any More Then A Whisper...

Now that I have come so far,
                    Now that I have been through so much, 
                                                                          I can't go back...






The year came to an end, left behind so many good memories and some not so good memories...
I'm ready to face the new year ahead, I'm ready to live the 365days ahead of me!.
The past few days were crucial for me..obtained more knowledge in a week then I did in months! somehow found the time to think things over...but will share them later as it makes more sense that way.

Over the past months (6) to be precise!, I have shared my emotions, thoughts and my life happenings, perhaps some may have been asking what was it all about. Its now time to go on,  and write the last chapter of this diary.

You met me and probably know me inside out by now or at least you know me from what I have been sharing with you. As the regular readers know, I am very reserved, but I was not always been this way.
I changed beyond imagination, to the point I did not recognise my own self .

The so called "retrospective" is almost to its end, it was necessary to go through it all!.
Even the posts that  no one probably knew what I was talking about, or to whom they were addressed,  but all the missing pieces of the puzzle will now start slowly find there rightful  place!.

Last but not least I must thank a few people that directly and indirectly helped me with the build up and constant transformation of this blog.

Must thank my friend Gwanni for showing me how to open and put up a blog!. The poor guy spent to many nights patiently explaining how to work with the editing and especially the (HTML)! good God!
Thanks for all of your support I would not be here today....
....and no this is not the end of my diary! just a small change!.

I must thank the now famous "Lisbon"  for giving me a punch in the face and turn my believes and my world  up side down!. (After all Lisbon is a real person at the end of the day)

Must thank my follower, then friend, then forever imprinted in my heart, mind and soul.
 May I dare say a part of me to the "East", she too helped modelling this blog and make it the way it is today. Also such a good listener to my constant whining and a good support, pushing me hard to write and write more!.

Cassidy, indirectly helping me finding  inspiration. For keeping my spirits up high, when things go not so good in life.  A big thanks for her support to stay by my side even when I was a jerk to her.

Tory for listening to me when I most needed, for giving me a hug when needed, to dry my tears when I cried.
She also supported my writings, by saying it was a good idea to have a diary that was shared.

Last but not least YOU my dear listeners! YOU for reading my post even if many times they are badly written, as I am no writer nor a poet I'm just a ....Whisperer....

Pictures tumblr

The Wheel Of Destiny (part 3)

Feeling helpless is one of the worst feeling...

 its like being trapped in a glass dome made out of very thick glass ...

were you can see what is going around you, but you can barely  hear what was being said and as much as I screamed and knocked on the glass no one could hear my screams...
no one...

Strangely some how found myself in the hospital's chapel, set on one of the benches staring into the air. I was never a believer but all I remember is that I prayed...to something stronger then me. I wanted to believe something up there could undone what was unfolding before my eyes..perhaps wake me from this nightmare I was living.

"Can I sit next to you?" I heard coming from behind me.."yes....yes sure" It was Cassidy's mother she sat next to me and said "Did you seek medical advice before taking those tablets?", "Yes!! sure we did...." 
Then she looked away and said " you know? for a mother is the worst feeling to see her own children in pain ...and to see them fighting for there own life". Looked at me and smiled "Come now son....lets get back to her".

What is done is done, can't keep on crying for what is happening..must be strong and able to face this...if it was my fault I could only try and make a little better and try to mend some of the harm I'v done...

Back to the room Cassidy was being visited by a doctor and a nurse she was being told how to use  a weird looking machine that was suppose to inject her with a blood thinning "agent"...she looked at me while I approached  her bed and reached for my hand...squeezing it tight. Ho how I wish I could turn back time and avoid to see all this...

Now I had completely lost track of time, looked for my phone and saw a few 10's of missed calls from work it was close to noon by then I had to be at work 4 hours earlier!. Called back and explained the situation but had to leave for lunch that very minute as in 20 minutes lunch was due!.

For the coming days my break time would have been a trip to the hospital and when my leave started (as we where suppose to leave for Japan a week later...and obviously had to drop the flight and forget about our dream holiday) now all seamed to be distant...we passed the vacation time in hospital trying to stabilize Cassidy's blood....finally managed after the 3rd week ...and she could come back home but for the next 6 months had to drive her back to hospital twice a day to test her blood and later when results where out to take the medication needed....

I can't explain the feeling that I had deep inside me...it was a constant fight...felt like swimming against the current...She never blamed me for it, but I still to this day think it was my fault...she could have lived a better life if I did not insist....a better life...better health....for my past actions we still suffer consequences to this very day....

"But sweet ....ho sweet creature she is ....we fought and stood to all the odds,

 we kept on holding strong to the thin tread we were hanging upon....

our bond proved to be stronger then we thought, and stronger 

it was more then we could ever imagine..."

picture provided by google images

The Wheel Of Destiny (part 2)

Waiting in the lobby felt like forever, I don't know what thought did not pass trough my head. Now I had a splitting headache, and constantly looking at the clock did not help it go away...felt like hours of waiting  before we heard Cassidy's name being called out....and as soon as I heard the call my knees turned to jelly, but I had to look strong...it cant be anything to bad...this happened in a span of just a few hours and it was just a bit of numbness in a leg....and she always said it was "nothing"..

Stretched out my hand to Cassidy to help her stand up ...but she could not!, looked at her foot...it was swollen in an indescribable way it almost doubled in size and that happened just while we where waiting in the lobby!. Rushed to get her a wheelchair and in we went....first stop was at the X-ray room then a visit to the doctor on duty. The doctor was a young doctor, I imagine from the northern part of Europe,  short and very young looking and to be honest I could not understand his accent at all!!. To my fear he could not give a definitive diagnose, so he suggested some tests.

While waiting for the  tests to start Cassidy started complaining that her jeans were feeling now too tight!. Found a nurse and asked for a pair of scissors, ripped her left jean bottom open to give her leg more room, her leg now was looking a deep purple colour ...I have never seen anything like it before.

Luckily back then I worked in a very well known restaurant and we had many "top notch" customers!. A professor passing by recognised us and saw the now deep blue coloured leg, asked us what was the matter....he stood still for a few seconds then gave his clipboard to the young doctor and said he was taking the case in his hands...he went over Cassidy and started to drive her wheelchair down the winding corridors.....

I now realised that it was not "nothing".....went in a small room with a sort of ultrasound machines sort of (not very keen on these kind of things).

"Did you take any medications lately?" he asked "No...no..not that I remember.." Cass replied . A nurse came in and took a few blood samples interrupting us...."See" he said "you have a major block in some of the blood vessels, this is not something it just happens....but with the blood tests we will know what is the cause of this!" 

"A block?" her mum shouted!!

"yes...you see, the blood is flowing in but it is not going out the leg..this is very serious as it may cause internal bleeding...harming not just the leg but also vital organs as the heart, lungs and brain!" 

This resonated in my head over and over...

felt like the whole world was collapsing and for a few minutes I felt lost, confused, felt that I was in a world of my own ...

I could see the doctors  lips moving but I could not hear the words coming out of them...it was like the world was gone on mute.... 

Doctor went out and we kept all silent while staring at the floor...Cassidy reached for my hand and squeezed my now sweaty hand tight. Looked at her, deep in her eyes... felt tears coming out of my eyes...but I must be strong....she must not see. The doctor came back again with a machine and plugged Cassidy to it, then he said she will be shown to a room as she had to stay there for more observation and tests.

Blood test came out as soon as we were led to the room ...her blood reacted to the contraception pills and made the blood clog...if not treated immediately her heart cold be harmed and there was a high chance that her lung could get damaged...

Went out of the  room...

felt my breath heavy, my eyes burned as I wanted to cry so badly...No this was all my fault I wanted her to take those pills...

if something happens to her, it will all be my fault. 

I will never forgive my self ...no I wont! .....the feeling of helplessness I felt was somewhat indescribable now too, as my fingers hit the keyboard goose bumps cover my arms ....I have only my self to blame for this.... 

only me....

Helpless to the unfolding events, I ran out of the ward in a hurry not knowing where I was headed to....

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Sakura

After a couple of months I started feeling more and more confident, stopped freaking out each time we made love. And I am sure she felt the same way as I did. 

During the winter time we kept on planning our dream home and set all of the paper work needed....meanwhile we decided it was time to go on a long trip...we both needed a holiday...especially me! work was getting to much into me, with less hours off and now had started working a part time  too! so that I could pay off some of the works being done on the apartment quicker!!.

Cassidy and me always wanted to visit Japan,  but we both knew it was a big expense. Still this did not hold us back cause a few weeks later we somehow managed to organize a trip to Japan! It was going to be a dream becoming a reality! Asked if it would have been possible to have leave for a month at work and after a lot of debate it was granted!!. So there we where, soon we would have embarked a trip to Japan!!! Booked the hotel in the old imperial city in Kyoto  for 2 weeks...sent mail to Taka to let him know I was going to be in Hiroshima for a few days too!. Then 4 days In Tokyo then a week in Okinawa! truly a dream holiday! It was going to cost us a fortune but it was part of our dream....and once we set something in our heads nothing on earth could ever change our minds!.  By November we had everything sorted out! agreed with the agency that we would pay for everything monthly, and that by May (The month we where to leave) it would all be paid for!. So it happened... months flew by and our dream was about to become reality...soon very soon....

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