The Wheel Of Destiny

There are certain moments in our life that time seams to stop, it doesn't go forward or backwards, it just stops. 
Moments that remain imprinted in our minds, never to be forgotten . 
These moments could be happy a moment that leave a mark on the monument of our heart, 
or they could be sad moments were we realise how fragile and vulnerable to the unfolding event we can be....
And this my friends is one of those moments...that I remember every single minute of it, as I saw my entire life crumble and fade away in moments....Fighting for life...afraid to lose my loved one.
Afraid of what tomorrow might bring.....

"All as planned... all as we wanted... following our dreams... nothing was in our way... nothing could have stopped us...".

No!, nothing could have stopped us, all was in control. Although many have told us that is was a crazy idea to go on this vacation. Us?! as  stubborn as we are (back then even more!) we decided not to listen to anyone, this time was not going to be of any difference!. Month after month all started to get more and more exiting as the day was growing nearer. Have to say that we had to do many sacrifices to save up the money needed...so most of our free time we still ended  up staying in. 

It was March of the year 2008, on a Sunday Cassidy her family and me where all gathered around the kitchen table playing the all times favourite monopoly, that Cassidy complained about some numbness in her left leg. "Nothing!" she kept on saying, "its just that I have been sitting here for hours now!, playing this stupid game!". "Why do we even bother playing it? we know you will always end up winning it!". I remember all as if it was just yesterday...Went back home that night, I was to be up early in the morning and Cassidy had to be at work by 8am. At around 6:30am  my phone woke me up ringing... it was Cassidy's mum telling me to pass by as she was worried about Cass left foot. Dressed up in a hurry as somehow I felt something was wrong. When I got there I found the two in a hot argument as her  mum wanted her to go to see a doctor and she was still saying "Its nothing!!" and something about going to be late for work!!. Well...I somehow managed to convince her that if it was "nothing" as she was calling it would have been just a 5 min trip to the doctor and I could drive her to work afterwards!! "Deal" she said in the attempt to shout the both of us!. Upon arriving to our family doctor it was just us and a young mother with her son in the waiting room..and after a few minutes it was our turn. I did not go in with them as I felt that it was not my place...and besides her mum was with her. A few minutes later the door opened and the doctor came to me...and told me while leaning over me.... "Hotei, you'll have to drive them to hospital...if its what I think..well better be there, they will make a few tests and probably give her some medication for it". Now I was getting worried as hell..."What is it?" I kept asking. "Just go" He gave me a paper and said now go give this to reception in emergency.... squeezed the paper in the palm of my hand, the paper that to this day I have still no  idea of what was written on it as I was to afraid to open....set in the car and the doctor followed..."To the hospital...and fast ok..."

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Sakura

After a couple of months I started feeling more and more confident, stopped freaking out each time we made love. And I am sure she felt the same way as I did. 

During the winter time we kept on planning our dream home and set all of the paper work needed....meanwhile we decided it was time to go on a long trip...we both needed a holiday...especially me! work was getting to much into me, with less hours off and now had started working a part time  too! so that I could pay off some of the works being done on the apartment quicker!!.

Cassidy and me always wanted to visit Japan,  but we both knew it was a big expense. Still this did not hold us back cause a few weeks later we somehow managed to organize a trip to Japan! It was going to be a dream becoming a reality! Asked if it would have been possible to have leave for a month at work and after a lot of debate it was granted!!. So there we where, soon we would have embarked a trip to Japan!!! Booked the hotel in the old imperial city in Kyoto  for 2 weeks...sent mail to Taka to let him know I was going to be in Hiroshima for a few days too!. Then 4 days In Tokyo then a week in Okinawa! truly a dream holiday! It was going to cost us a fortune but it was part of our dream....and once we set something in our heads nothing on earth could ever change our minds!.  By November we had everything sorted out! agreed with the agency that we would pay for everything monthly, and that by May (The month we where to leave) it would all be paid for!. So it happened... months flew by and our dream was about to become reality...soon very soon....

Picture by google images 

"Jasmine"

Cassidy and me sat on a rocky beach looking to the lights far away across the waters, we talked and kissed exchanged hugs and whispered sweet nothings. Reached for her hand in the darkness, kissed her again, got closer, it was getting pretty chilly now ... planed for a future, our future. We planed for a bright dawn a new life...nothing had or could stop us...

....We had a dream....we wished to go on a trip....a long holiday..but what with all the expenses of the apartment?....what if the unthinkable happened?......  



Kissed her again...over and over....made love under the starry sky ....but me ....me I feared. I could not forget that a few weeks ago I felt lost and helpless.  I could not risk it again...I don't want to risk it....why I keep calling it a risk? its not a risk its a choice....or its not?. Although I would have loved to have children it was not the right moment to....and I fear I could not control my self. Young and greedy for more...we could not just say no.....

Days passed and weeks to....now my paranoia was becoming uncontrolled, "we cant afford to take any chances" I used to say!.This was breaking us slowly from the inside...I had no one to ask and that I could trust enough to talk about my intimate life..unless .....Jessica!. She knew me since I was 17 and she knew all about me!. Jessica smiled to me when I told her the latest happenings ... sat down on a chair next to me and reached for her bag. "here" She said "This is what I use!, these will sure put your mind at rest dear"....."I know your fears....I been there....I've done that.........I only  wish I had the guts to talk to someone, like you did now when I was your age love" she said while smiling at me. Placed the tablet wrapper in my pocket and back to work I went...

The next day went to Cassidy's and told her that I think Jessica had found a solution for us...It might sound a bit to drastic but it was the best ting to do back then. And that is what happened...secretly we made an appointment in a clinic and had the doctor prescribe contraceptive pills...and for months we both had our minds at rest.....

Now we could plan...plan a future... we were young we still had a whole life ahead of us....and as long we had love....noting could stand in our way.... 

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One Day...

I could plan what to do in a years time but then its not up to me if it happens or not...I can only give my best, but sometimes luck or destiny plays a big role....life the way we know it could change like day and night...and that was about to happen again....

Have to be honest with my self I did feel discouraged and sometimes angry for the happened events, but nether Cassidy and me had the power to change the events that happened, we could only hope for better days. Life went on to its usual pace, Cassidy had started working with an international firm and I went on with my busy..busy almost crazy work!. Somehow we did find time to meet, even if it was for just a few minutes a day, but at least we were lucky we could exchange a hug...a kiss...a smile....

During this period of time I had become master of organisation! I planned every minute so that I could have an exact amount of free time to share with Cassidy. Looking back I now can't believe I actually managed to find free time! I'm not able to do that any more!!.

One day... Cassidy looked pretty sad and worried I asked what was the matter but she said it was all fine..I did not buy it, but I thought I wont bother her to much with my questions.
Met  a friend and then back home we went,  just before she stepped out of the car Cassidy turned to me and asked me..."do you love me Hotei?" I smiled and replied "sure I do silly!" she kept a serious face and asked me again "but will you love me always?" I smiled again to her and kissed her and softly said "I do...always will" then she bursted  out in tears. I tried to calm her down and kept asking her what was the matter... then she started muttering something I could not understand, I could just hear her now deep rough sobbing...some how she calmed down looked at me and said "I...Think I'm pregnant Hotei...". I smiled at her  and told her it was OK....we both knew what we where doing and that we both wanted it...so it was all going to be fine..we can do this as well....it might not be easy but together we will over come anything!. Kissed Cassidy again and again over and over. "Now better get some rest" I told her. We will talk again in the morning I said while playing with her hair. She smiled and walked away. Turned on the engine started driving away slowly.then I could not hold any more ...tears came down my  face..I felt destructed pulled on the side of the road... I was now not able to see the road clearly....what I was going to do now? how can I be father? I don't have time to be one...I don't want to be an absent father...I want to be there!.....

Days passed and a couple of weeks too...I kept on thinking about it..I was constantly thinking...how I could ever do this?.... although I was in a very bad shape I tried to hide my feelings that I had from Cassidy..I must appear  strong and in control!. Perhaps about 18 days later from the episode I received a message from Cassidy saying that there was nothing to worry about..it was a"false alarm" she called it!!.

It was a relief but yet I was getting pretty exited about the idea of becoming a father..I must admit!.

Looking Back

Early in the morning today dropped for a few minutes to my apartment.... I walked silently from room to room. It  brings me joy and yet a little sadness thinking about  memories I have lingering in each room. Although I never stayed to long in it I have collected quite a lot of memories in 5years. 

Looking Back....

We knew that we would not be able to live in it for a couple of years, but yet we considered it our home. It was what Cassidy and I both wanted and wished for. We had an obstacle so what!? we will over come this as well.

One day after talking to the architect and the builder to evaluate the costs to fix the damage, we both agreed to make a few changes to the structure while the ceiling was being fixed and replaced!. So with much motivation and hope we sat with a pencil and papers and started to rebuild our dream home from scratch! This is a nice memory I have, Cassidy and me were in perfect symphony, we both knew what we wanted, and if what we wanted was not possible to achieve, well.... it didn't really matter we had each other and that was enough for us.

So after a few weeks of hectic days at work and struggling days trying to meet our crazy ideas and evaluating the possibility that the crazy ideas would be approved by the architect..even tough many times we made him rise an eyebrow!.

 We sat a date for the works to begin!. Ideally it had to be in summer so that there is less chances of rain, and usually weather holds over here..the dry season is really DRY!! as for almost 3 months it doesn't rain at all...not even a single drop!!.

And that happened, we sat the starting date for June!. On the day that the works had to start I was awakened by a very loud noise! rushed out of bed at around 5am in the morning...opened my bedroom window...and I could not believe my eyes...a thunderstorm was on!! I remember it was hot like hell but yet it rained cats and dogs!... minutes later I received a call from the builder saying that he would remind the works for next week just to be sure that weather holds!. And that is what happened....but guess mother nature didn't want us to start the week after either..as heavens opened again on the day!. I did not discourage my self and planed an other day this time studied all weather forecasts possible! so that I would be sure, didn't want any more delays. We were already 3 weeks behind schedule!  But destiny played with us again and on the day even tough all weather forecasts planed a sunny week....it rained and rained....

There I said to my self...something is wrong guess better leave it for next year...at least we will be able to save a little more cash...and perhaps do more of the work next year....at least we thought...

Finally Home...

Finally!!  Cassidy and me had a place we could call home, after a whole year of awaiting and expectations,  the key was ours, and we could now move in!. It was a Tuesday evening, I remember it clearly...It was my only day off back then. Picked Cassidy from home and drove to the apartment, we both were trilled and exited!. went up the flight of stairs and opened the door to our home for the first time..

The feeling was something indescribable, felt like the biggest thing I ever done in my life!. The place was some what dark due to the dark painted walls and heavy curtains!, but that was something we would change soon, and make it meet our taste!.  The place indeed needed a good clean! I assume that the previous owners neglected there cleaning schedule knowing that they would be leaving the place soon!. It took us almost a month to clear it all and give it a good clean but in the end the place was spotless!!.

Brought a few bottles of wine and a few cheeses and salami, invited a few friends for a house warming party.
It was a dream coming true, now Cassidy and me could start writing a new page in our life. By the end of August we started moving a few things in, and some times we spent the night in there..it was perfect!.

~~~O~~~

On September 8th we were invited to a family gathering for the local feast, a feast we did not really enjoy since as a terrible storm hit the island that day. We returned to the apartment the next morning. To our horror we found the whole place flooded, it was terrible and I could not understand how this could have happened. Checked every window to see if they were properly  secured!. The bedroom was the most damaged and the water had ruined most of the furniture. It was now clear that there was a problem with the ceiling, water was seeping trough, we thought that it must be a small problem that could be fixed easily by giving some maintenance to the roof...hoo.. how wrong we were...... 

Whatever we did and tried to do to mend it,  the problem persisted... all winter! It was not possible to longer live in it since whenever it started raining water poured in abundantly. What a nightmare!. Our dream was slowly fading away...

It was the start of a list of misfortune, one after the other...

Pictures provided by google images and tumblr 

A new Path...

After that day I don't remember speaking much to Ta Chan, She was distant and I decided it was best to let it all go...after all I was in a relationship and I was happy. I had all that my heart wanted and needed 
to love and to be loved back!. Cassidy was my soul mate...still consider her so, we share a lot in common,  She's my love, she's my best friend....

A New Path...

After the 3rd year together we decided to move the relationship to a different level, I was 23 and she was about to finish her last year at university..we planned to move and live together. I was against leasing, and since work was paying a lot back those days we decided to buy property ...."now a days  property is not cheap over here,  especially after the island formed part of the EU". My wage could cover the fees needed and she was promised a good job as soon as she finished her last semester at Uni...so as soon as she started she could help with the mortgage....what we didn't know was that  we where about to make a decision that would have changed the course of our lives....and so it was...

After much deliberation and consultation we decided to go for an apartment, it was decently priced and it had a charm to it...we both fell in love with it..it was the only place we could call home!

It took almost a year for papers to be ready since it was a pre-war apartment  and most of the documents were lost....sigh....what a nightmare!. But at least after a year we where handed the key a much awaited
moment, now....a new page was about to be written...

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Goodbye Darling.....

Took two days of rest and back to work I was ...everyone was concerned about me, received many messages, and many paid me a visit at the restaurant when I returned  back to work...everyone, except for one .... Ta Chan!!...

She never came to say hi again...she started avoiding me....I kept asking my self, why?...I have done noting wrong to her..or did I? was it my abrupt escape on New year's? or there was something else deep inside? could it have been Jo?. Could he be imposing her not to see me?. But why?. well deep inside I knew the answers I just didn't want to admit it!. Although I missed Ta Chan I made a point that I will not fall!, I would not go looking for her up in the Japanese Restaurant, after all, it will do the both of us good, at least that is what I thought back then.

As days gone bye I sort of placed my heart at rest, now she had her life rolling again, so I could understand that she wanted not to see me, although I find it pretty stupid, as we worked in the same establishment and many times we were just a few meters away, and the only few times we happened to cross our ways in the back area she could only "say Hi Hotei...bye Hotei". That really bugged me to be honest..but that is life people come people go...people leave a mark, a scar and then they leave before you know it. So this was the case. What happened between us was the past now, we both took our paths and must follow it!. We should thank destiny for making us meet and for the wonderful moments we spared together.

                                               .......................................................

The situation went on a different level when one day I was having a beer at the usual pub down the road, it was me and a few working mates...when Jo came...stopped at our table and asked if we wanted an other round.  That was very nice of him especially when he turned to me and asked "you Hotei?..an other?".
He sat a few tables down and ordered his usual stout,  took out his cigarettes  and a book (white heat if I remember well!). A few minutes later more and more staff joined us, as dinner was over in all of the restaurants of the hotel, tables were joined, first one then an other then a third was added, until five tables were bridged with Jo at the top of one end and me at the other end. Avoiding looking at him was almost impossible, But it was fine, until....Ta Chan showed up pulled a chair from a nearby table and joined the crowd. I don't know why but all of a sudden the noisy bunch turned quiet and every one reached for his drink sort of waiting for some one else to break the silence that was suddenly created!.

"Where is your car? haven't see it for a while now! having trouble with finding Parking?" one of the guys asked Jo, perhaps intending  to break the now graspable  silence!.
"I don't need the car!!" he replied with a smirk, "I have moved in with Ta Chan"
 "really!" everyone replied simultaneously!
"yep!!" ..."You have to move in, if you plan to have children!!".
 I choked on  my beer and almost felt it coming right back up!!. Forced the last half pint down and made up an excuse to leave....

As much as  I tried I could not help not thinking about it, I could not believe what I have heard...Ta Chan was not made that way...what is going on with her?. Or he just said that to mock me?!. He knew how I felt towards her.. even-tough I was in a relationship for two years now... I still felt I loved her...perhaps its what they call first true love!!!.

The next day  I was at the back of house sorting some dry store items. Ta Chan walked by and stopped looking quite embarrassed, "Hotei .....don't believe everything Jo says....he say stupid things when he drinks.....
" I stared at her not quite sure what to say (I could not tell her "yeah!! I know he knows how to be a jerk!" he was her boyfriend after all).
"Its OK...don't worry" I said.
 She looked up at me with a sad looking face, then her sadness turned to a smile wrapped her arms around my waist and whispered "Aishiteru.....". She went away faster then the wind almost running heading to the Japanese restaurant...
I was left puzzled not knowing what to do!
"Wait!" ....I slowly followed her back to the restaurant then stopped.....no I can't do this.....my brains felt like over working did not know what to do....Shall I follow her? or just go back? and forget about what just happened?.....decided to go back.....must let this go once and for all......turned my back and slowly walked back...

The moment I turned my back  Rose opening the back door hitting me straight in the face with it!! "Sorry!!" she shouted..."you OK?" ....
"yes...yes..I'm OK Rose.."  
"Come ...come lets put some ice on that!" she said
 "No ...no I'm fine Rose no need to worry!".....she pulled me inside literally!!.
"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked her...."Today its Tuesday the Thai restaurant is closed!"I added.
"Yeah.....must finish some vegetable carvings by today...so I came in!" she replied while placing a couple of ice cubes on my forehead.
 "ho....cool...can I see?" I said .
 "sure!!!" she smiled, went in to the kitchen where she was sitting on an empty crate carving on some water melons. I always loved to see her doing her carving magic!. I leaned over to take a closer look to the amazingly carved fruit ....but somehow.... ended up held down by Rose...kissing me..shocked as I was I just pushed her away and got out of the kitchen......asking my self how the hell I end up in such situations!.....

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Look who's back !

Recap;

Here I am continuing my thought... digging and memory sifting

 just right after the misadventure with the emo guy blog! ...anyway!.      

My last post was
"Dear diary" 
http://anymorethenawhisper.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-diary.html
 but I will not continue from this post I will go slightly backwards!

 "thunder in blue skies"
 http://anymorethenawhisper.blogspot.com/2012/07/thunder-in-blue-skies.html
I know that much happened in between but I'm sure it be confusing if I keep going ahead. 

~~~~~O~~~~~

A Nasty surprise (look who's back!)

I remember Cassidy and me  where in our second year together, work was getting more and more hectic!. but life was good, I had made a pretty good name among the other staff working in the hotel. One day as I was passing near the cocktail bar I saw a familiar face hidden under a month or more of beard...
Jo ? Is that him? Hoo dear what the hell is he doing here? And what the heck happened to him?. I looked down to the ground and swiftly avoided him....went rushing in the kitchen and there I fund the executive...

"excuse me Chef!, did you see who's in the cocktail bar?" I shouted
"who?" he said
"Jo!! I am sure its him....but what the hell happened to him?! he looks like a tramp!!" I continued
"Hooo yeah ! I know about him! he is suppose to meet the directors...to talk about the new position in the main restaurant!"
"hoo really ??? showing up like that? and after the way he abruptly left?, ho well ...OK then... good luck to him!" I mumbled.

A few days later to the others and my surprise  he started working with  the company again...

News spread  fast like wild fire within the walls of the establishment...I didn't mind to be honest..it was perfectly fine to me unless he talked to me!.

There where days were I had to call down the main kitchen, and he answered the phone, but I had to cope with that...had no choice.

I remember many came to me asking me "is it true that you two don't talk to each other?" "what happened to you?" and many other questions I never answered or at least in full! most of the time my answer would have been,"ask him!!".... I have nothing to say and I don't want to!

"How I wish I could forget the way he treated me..the lies..the pain...He was such a good friend..I trusted him so much....why?..."

Days, weeks and months passed and the festive season were with us again ...Yey!!. Right after New Year's eve dinner  remember I went for a tour around the hotel with Tassu wishing a happy New Year to the other staff on duty....my second target was the Japanese restaurant I wanted to see TaChan and wish her A happy New Year! We kept a close relationship..(what happened a couple of years before was important for the both of us...still is to this day...."somehow").   I pushed  open the back service door,  could hear voices coming from the restaurant, familiar voices I peeped from the pantry door and saw the waitresses tossing a glass of sparkling! Yippee!! I thought... a drink!, just what I need!! I opened the kitchen door that led to the restaurant  door and shouted happy new year!!. Looked on my right and there to my horror saw Him...... Jo ...and Ta Chan having a drink on one of the tables away from the others laughing... joking... flirting . Terry one of the waitresses yelled  "Hotei.... happy New Year" looking at me giving me a soft smile ...most probably knowing what was going on in my head..."happy New Year dear..."  I mumbled, turned my back pushed the door open giving a last stare at Jo and Ta Chan from the corner of my eyes...  Terry and Tassu followed me to the back area calling me "Hotei.....Hotei ! wait! ...wait" grabbed my hand and I looked back at her, confused...not actually sure why ...why I was feeling that bad.....As Terry was about to say something I heard a familiar voice calling my name and a loud door shutting! "Happy New year Hotei!!!"    "Rose!!... hey" ......she grabbed me from my arm and dragged me down the narrow corridor to the Thai restaurant  leaving Terry and Tassu staring at each other not quite knowing what happened!.

Rose Dragged me down the corridor a few metres and halted in front of the Thai restaurant back service door,  as she opened the door I heard a loud " HAPPY NUU YELL" lool it was funny all the Thai kitchen members all a bit drunk tossing whiskey!. "Come dlink!! have a dlink with us!". hehe I'm glad this happened, I'm glad Rose came in at the wrong or perhaps right time, almost dislocating my shoulder as she dragged me down the corridor!,at least for a moment it distracted me and made me smile, I thanked them and left slowly heading back to the next restaurant....gave a big hug to Jessica and off to change I went, better get some sleep must be up in a few hours..have to work lunch too!.

I don't remember sleeping much that night but I felt pretty good and full of energy! I thought about what happened the other night...I acted stupidly...Ta Chan have the right to be happy...after all destiny wanted us apart... although I still loved her deep inside...it was not right on Cassidy....Ta Chan had to carry on with her life .....and I with mine.....but please ...... just not with him please....not with Jo.....

Had no breakfast  but felt like I was not hungry at all!. new years lunch was over and finally I could head back to Cassidy's after three days of not seeing her!! I was feeling exhausted  now,  didn't feel like working dinner but that was part of the job! nothing to do about it!... all I remember is starting the service and then...... black....I could hear the piercing noise of a siren in my head...only opened my eyes founding my self in a white room and people wearing scrubs confused around me...My head hurting like hell.. I focused on the dark shadows around me.... one of them was familiar to me....Cassidy?!... I uttered in a tired voice.....

The Sun and the Moon

Long time ago when the earth was still young  and when  faeries, elves and Gods still existed, the time when humans were peaceful creatures ... Far away behind the great mountains, high up in the skies  there lived a young God,  his duty was to carry  the sun across the sky in his golden chart. He never complained, it was his duty without him darkness would prevail without him  the rye would not grow in the fields,  ...life would not exist!.
Everyday he looked down to earth and watched the peaceful inhabitants waking up to the rising sun...doing there chores and daily work as the sun approached the highest of its peek...and saw  them returning to there homes as he approached the end of his cycle..... he wondered what it feels like to be like one of them ....he wished and prayed to be just like them...but he had to  keep the sun going across the heavens he had to keep the balance between day and night...that was his duty...without the sun the inhabitants would not wake up...or go to do there errands and chores. he had to keep the balance that reigned on earth that was his destiny.

One day as he looked down to earth he noticed a young man and a young woman crossing the woods and rested under an old oak tree and wondered what and why they were so far from the others...the next day he noticed them again...and again...and again ...it happened every day  for days, weeks and months...the young God watched over the two lovers every single day...he smiled and shined upon them in the cold winter(y) days to keep them warm....and hid the sun rays in the leaves of the old oak tree in summer...where they rested. He now learnt to love....the two lovers where now his friends and made time non existent to him, he was now happy to wake up and start his daily cycle, just to be able to watch over his friends.

He was happy to be able to love some one, but the truth....did they love him back? did they know he existed? he could just watch over them nothing more. The young God deep inside his core envied the two..he wished with all of his heart that he could meet some one and talk....some one to share, some one to listen to him and he listening to her just like the two lovers did. But no one would dare get close to him...he was high in the sky and the inhabitants would never get any near... and besides the sun was to hot it could kill them....the young God was to far to reach!..... He had the earth and life upon it way down below, and the stars high above him, they too where just to far to listen to him. Poor God of the sun he could watch every single living creature form high above and they could look up to him in his mighty glory, but he was lonely... Even the young couple that he cherished so much grew old and eventually died  as the years passed. He felt that he was even more lonely now that they were gone, he shed tears cold as ice that turned into steam as they touched the fire(y) sun, staining it with black spots dark as the night like tar.

"What is wrong?" the father of all Gods asked,
"why are you crying my son?" smiling at the young God of the sun.

The young god looked up at him and replied "I might be mighty and beautiful, strong and powerful, but it gets lonely  to be up here all alone staring to the world while life unfolds  before my eyes, they need me and I love to help the creature on earth, I wake them up, I warm them up, I make the rye grow in the fields, I shine my love to them...but why no one can love me back?".

The old father of all Gods smiled at him, and softly said, "My son, I have created all of the gods to keep balance on earth to keep seasons on time to look after every living creatures and keep harmony on this beautiful world, but even Gods make mistakes....I forgot to look after my children..."

The old God shed a tear shiny as the stars pure as silver and with it created a sphere he called it Moon.  Then he reached for the elements he kept in his pocket, collected star dust from the heavens and blew life into it...he gave life to a Goddess he named Luna.
He smiled at the young god of the sun and said, "My son you shall not be lonely any more in the sky, she will accompany you trough your cycle....but remember your duty, your duty and destiny you are the king of the day and barer of fire .....and she...she is the Queen of the night barer of ice. Together you shall rule the sky and keep balance, none of you shall interfere with the others duty".

He smiled again and continued "My son you'll see Luna every day across the heavens but you will touch her only on the days I will call eclipse, on these special days it will be nor day or night....but remember balance shall be kept the night must fall and the day must rise"  

And for generations after generations that is what happened, every single day the two met in heaven, now even the night was not too dark any more, there was the silvery reflection of the beautiful moon to give light.

On the day the Old God called eclipse the two embraced each other making the sun almost fade and the moon almost melt as they cycled, making love,showing love....  just for a few moments. the both smiled as they collided the light from the sun and the brilliance of the moon, none of them victorious! as both overwhelmed the other....it was then when the inhabitants noticed as they looked up to the sky how important the sun is and how lucky they are to have it! now they had a gift too, the gift of the moon, to watch over them, and break the darkness of the night.  

When I was little I used to write stories down on paper, I remember I loved to do so..still do!   
This story was in my head for ages, I would like to share it with you...
I will leave it to open interpretation....

                                                                          Pictures provided by tumblr and google images      

trough the peephole

stop the light

let darkness be my refuge

there is no point in running 

burnt into my mind 

remember you

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

barer of the light 

the moon was the witness

no others

the moon was our judge

no others

hidden in the shadow of the night

no glimpse of you

 the moon revealed your lair  

there is nowhere to hide 

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

can't you see me?

can't you feel me?

can't you hear me?

I need you !

I feel you 

I want you 

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

may my eyes open

to the light

may I see what you want me to see

may I be your light

trough the peephole

I watch

I follow

I hide

I have ever been

this is your melody 

have you ever been? 

shall this be my melody 

thought that the moon was stolen 

now the full moon led me to you

I saw light pouring  out

out of the peeping hole

may the moon lead me to you

I'm the moth attracted to the light

blinded by its brilliance 

craving for you 

may the moon be our witness

hoo month of the moon...

     dawn is screaming  your light away.

and you are blinded by its light....

First picture provided by tumblr

others by Hotei

My Guardian Angel

Alarm rang again today...reached for it to smash it onto the floor  yet again!....woke up to a silent home today.....my parents are away, found a note on the kitchen table on top of a dish that was covered with a tea towel ...."please bake!". Our lunch...well if brother shows up any way!....switched on the coffee machine and the oven and placed the dish in the oven......pie!, mums meat pie I love it ....
Remind me of when I was little...standing up on a chair trying to roll out dough while almost suffocating in  a cloud of flour!! while my siblings where out playing in the yard and dad at work..... . looking back, I don't recognise that family any more, somehow we all grew distant...I can't tell what really happened to us, its like everyone went on his own way and no one ever stooped to look back to see if the others where any near...

Made myself a double espresso and walked back to my room, looked for my camera lead cord in my bedside cabinet, want to see yesterdays pictures, the one I took at the beach yesterday morning.  I came across a pencil sketch I made when I was roundabout 10...my guardian angel, the way I saw it.I remember I felt safe looking at it and thinking that it was looking over me ....sweet memories....forever gone.... a well knit family...

 I can remember quite clearly those days....
.......now that had that nostalgic feeling....reached for my box of memories that  I treasure in my bedside table.

I keep anything of sentimental value in it and some times I need to open it and remember the wonderful old days. I keep anything from an old coin to an old birthday card..to old pictures of my family and pictures of my siblings and me...

You realise how much time passed only when looking back at old photos...I almost forgot when was the last time I took my time to look trough old family pictures, never have much time alone, usually our house is too noisy....washing machine on! radio on !! TV on!!!. not mentioning my brothers kids..screaming, jumping and making uncle swear....God bless them ...  tough sometimes I feel like strangling  them!!but I love those little sods...

Me at the age of 3 ....playing in the bath tub...bitter memories these are....remember a few days later after this picture was taken aunt died of cancer...loved her like my own mother... miss her much. I was just 3 but there was a special bond between us...never forget you...

Same year this was taken....my birthday with my brothers slicing upon a chocolate cake made by mum ....lol I remember her cakes all covered in chocolate and colourful  smarties!!! Lovely memories these are...sometimes I wish I could turn back time and savour once again these moments....

Never had much, we had just enough to get trough the day, we had ourselves supported by the love of a caring mother ....and that 
 was all that we could we ever ask for ...



Hooo this.....me and the little puppy...at my uncles house...a few months later I could have rode that little Doberman puppy!! He was huge!! same size as a pony! he ate like a pony....was strong as one too...

He had a very fierce look !! and very prominent stature! 

Lived a quite long life...so I guess he was a happy and well taken care of "little"dog ...




This is me and the Doberman a few months later .....kidding!!.. :D


Me at our farm....this was a nice way to grow up... especially when the summer holidays were on, I spent days playing and running in the countryside. We had all sorts of farm animals from cows, goat's, chicken, rabbits to ducks. Had a couple of horses too! and occasionally rode them...I don't know what happen to me! nowadays I can't find the guts to ride one :o/ ...



Its sad to think all this is gone, but at least I have these memories to treasure in my heart. We live a short life, we must grasp every moment I suppose. These days are gone and never will come back, but we have the chance to make new moments for me to keep in my box of memories.The future is not far! the future starts tomorrow!!.   

Must return to the reality of the present times close my box of memories and place it safe in the dark of my bedside cabinet, now its time to move and hit the shower! and something tells me that  I better check on that pie!!.

End of a dream

"If destiny have chosen a path for you, it will keep crossing your path no matter what you do..."

Here I am once again, I just can't stop thinking about it, how this happened. I never asked for this to happen to me, it just happens. May be its the best thing to do....

So you might ask yourself why "End of a dream?". Just imagine your self lost, afraid and scared...have you ever been there? I was there many times I felt this many times, its not easy to get out of its grasp. Imagine yourself, after a year of constant pain, pain that felt to good to walk away from. You knew it will never be real but you kept on dreaming for a year, a long painful year....

Then one day you look up at yourself, and you ask yourself, what are you doing to yourself?. Don't ignore this pain, this pain is real. I thought this thing I called love was real.....
 You try to walk out of it, you know it will be painful, but it always have been painful, it will be just a matter of time until this feeling fades away, just a little time and it ill be gone....with you....

Then when you finally managed to get out of its grasp...this darn thing called destiny slaps you in the face one more time. My hard broken heart started beating again, it was a dream, the start of a dream...

But remember whoever dreams one day will face the truth, waking up!. I blamed it on destiny....but I only have my self to blame..only me, no one else...it felt like the best thing to do to give the blame to someone...so that is why I always blamed it on destiny..

 55 days....Imagine yourself falling asleep.... a long sleep, and you dream for 55 long days....the best dream you ever had! The longer you stay in the land of dreams the harder to come back. But if it was just a dream why does it makes me feel so bad?

I was lucky...I was granted a taste of heaven for 55 days....I could see I could almost feel....but I could not touch....for 55 long days....

The best 55 days of my life, trapped in this world of "make believe". But I regret not a single week, not a single day, not a single moment in this dream..I just regret that I had to wake up...

Wake up from what? it seamed so real! It felt so real, it was real! I was real !!!. If it was from my part I would have never woken up,I would have kept on dreaming....keeping this taste of heaven just for my self...

You sweet angel of mine...you, made this empty hollow man to breath life again...you made him see what there is out of the box....the box...the box he thought this woman was trapped in, but he woke up to find that he was trapped in the box in the first place....it was a dream...and now its the end of a dream...

The Lullaby That Wakes Me Up..

Go on play it,

the same song 

go on play it, 

let this be our lullaby 

go on sing it, 

heard it over and over but still makes no sense 

go on sing it, 

I hate this lullaby 

I heard this already....I felt this already...I been here already...I'm familiar to this....so why am I feeling so bad?

Take the darkest words and and play them, make them our lullaby.   

Let this be the end of the world of make believe, I can see it, I can feel it crumble under my feet. 

In my world of make believe, I play again this lullaby....In her world of make believe she never stopped playing this lullaby.

Some how I wish I could set fire to this world, some how I want to escape this world. 

This lullaby is still in my head 

I can still hear it 

I can still taste it 

I can still see it 

This lullaby is still in my head 

I love this lullaby, 
all my thought, 
she resides in me,
I love this lullaby, 
In my world of make believe, 
your here forever... 

I met a young little fellow near the sea shore, he said,
"You will forget the lullaby only if you return the box to the ocean". 
I turned my back to the little fellow
and kept singing this Lullaby...

Caution not suitable for adults!

   This just went UP! UP! UP! in my list of best movies!

Yesterday was in need of  that thing to cheer me up a little and I thought that there is nothing better then a good movie. I was looking for something funny\comedy. I realized that had this movie sitting in my pen-drive like for ages..so I thought why not!  I have heard it was funny and catching... so it seamed to be the perfect choice!


I saw the movie trailer a while back and it seamed to be a fun easy to follow animation, no need to use my brain to think..just, sit there and stare at the moving talking picture..and all the colourful  balloons....It was meant to be a movie for kids             .........so easy to digest stuff....

....at least I thought!. I now think they should have put a warning saying " movie contents  is not suitable for adults!" like in bold and in red !!. And I thought Japanese anime movies were sad!!!..

And funny thing is that  I didn't have any sugar at all!! not  like when I saw finding Nemo...I cried too, but I was on such a sugar hype that I could cry for real with a baby just to sympathize!.






I am not doing a review or something of that sort....but in my opinion this movie, if you have not watched it yet...its a must!. It is touching to a way beyond normality....it shows human feelings in its raw state,  and it shakes you a bit and may be slaps you in the face too....

The story is about this old man Carl, and in the first minutes the story concentrates on him and how he met his wife Ellie..his soul mate...

From Just friend with this tomboy Ellie and this not talkative boy Carl....both weird and eccentric like most kids...reminded me a lot of me....a lot of years younger. They grew together, in good and bad times..trough the years chasing a dream that one day they will go an live in a place called "paradise falls". They both dreamed of this perfect place to be...with the perfect person to be with...who doesn't dream that ?. Faith has it that they shall never accomplish this dream...destiny had other plans for them...they fought and worked hard for this dream to come true...but never succeeded...

   








I don't know it it is just me..but I confess many times at least two or three times I shed a tear or two..on several instances I was thinking, this movie is breaking my heart, while other times I thought this is melting my heart ...but whatever or how I felt I thought this movie is just so damn beautiful! :D

Its an ode to love.... friendship..... believing...dreaming.....it some how made me think that fairytales do exist...

Thanks for the adventure- now go have a new one! :'o)  

On my bed where I dream...

Here safe in my bed...here I lay...here I rest...here I dream.....

                                                                                                      

Here I am! still in bed...9:39am in the morning somehow cant get out of bed...lappy on my belly ....already had my second espresso this morning...but I still cant feel like I'm wide awake....I'm running low on  coffee, must go out and  buy, but some how I don't feel like to..

Not having my early morning swim this morning ,  some how I don't feel like it..just feel like to linger in my bed...Sweet memories of a dream that seamed to real, somehow I can smell your scent...I know its just in my head, but I want to believe I do...if I close my eyes I can still see your smile ...if I close my eyes...if I do ...I drift far away... wish I could sleep again may be we'll  meet again...

Many times I wondered how your skin feels...many times I wondered how your lips may taste... 

Taste....feel...touch....scent....these are the senses I am denied...only if I close my eyes I am allowed to borrow, just for a few moments...just for a few moments... while I dream....while I rest my head on the pillow and look in the box....

Feels safe here in my bed, away from the busy world out there... My phone is ringing again I think its the fifth time this morning..don't feel like picking it up.. but I must....the real world is calling....

In 24 hours

                                                                               
                                                                         In 24 hours I be waiting....
                 In 24 hours you be back...  
                           

         My life could change in 24 hours ...my life could be just the same in 24 hours....

I thought  that having time alone would clear my mind ... I thought that if we are apart for some time it would change my mind....

Truth is, that I don't feel the same..some how I'm even more lost, some how I want you to be here, now!. For almost 15 days I never missed you..or at least I thought that I did not!. Now that only 24 hours are keeping us apart I just can't wait...24 hours is a long time to wait..

Although I hated the way I was treated the past months, I know now that I cant be torn away from you..I just feel half alive without you.. now that 24 keep us apart...

"It is never to late to change your mind, its never to late to wash sins away, its never to late to come to life again"

 I never thought I could find a way to describe it...it was there inside ...hiding. I was just to afraid to face it. Now that 24 hours are between us I just can't go back...

Run ...run ....run away from it all, may be I could find a way ....wrong ......I was so wrong ....running is never the option, running is denying to face the truth....the key is you....you are the keeper of the key  to my hard heart ....the truth was always there...

 -------O-------

Destiny keeps on calling my name, over and over in my head. Sometimes I hate it....its just to much to take, this small brain can't handle it. 

                                                                                 "To love ....not to love...

                                                                                                       so what to do?" 

                                "is it love....is it not love....

                                                          so what's this?"

"I have never misused the word love, whenever I uttered the word love I meant it". 

Happy Sunday

Love and friendship knows no boundaries..

Hachiko

In 1924 a proffesor in agriculture took Hachiko as a pet. 

Hachiko, was a golden brown Akita dog.

During his owners life Hachiko greeted him at the end of the day at the nearby train station.

The two continued this daily routine till May 1925.

One day at work, proffesor Ueno suffered  from cerebral haemorrhage, and died, 

never returning to the train station where Hachico was waiting. 

For the next nine years Hachico waited every day for his beloved owner return. 

...

At first the attendants tried to scare, and to get Hachico out of the station for a long time, 

but many daily users of the station had seen the proffesor and Hachico together,

so soon enough left let the poor dog alone. 

 In October 1932 an article was published about Hachiko, 

from that day people started bringing treats to the poor dog.

 This continued for nine years, every day!!

And every day precisely at the due time that the train was suppose to come!! 

Hachico caught the nations attention, and he was used as an example of loyalty.

...

In March 8th 1934 Hachico died ...waiting for his owners return...

A metal statue was erected in the station as a memorial for Hachiko's loyalty.

Every year Hachico's devotion is honoured with a solemn ceremonty at the Tokyo Shibuya  rail-road station.   

Let Hachico be an example for all of us.

Happy Sunday wherever you are :)

No one quite like you.

There are times that you just can't follow a schedule, and today was one of them...

 It have been a wonderful day considered  how it started!.



"Do you need a wake up call?" she asked me.
"Please!" I replied.

You gave me a wake up call, just like you said...You always or at least you do your best to keep your promises. 

 I was to "anxious" I was needing to write more... not even time for a coffee... almost!. 
I wrote and wrote, I got lost in a time warp called blog!!. Lost track of time! I had to pick you up but I forgot to!
Looked at the phone 5 missed call's, 2 messages..... Shit!! In just seconds closed my laptop changed to my swimming trunks, grabbed a towel, wallet, camera....out I go ...arrrg! *#/?! car keys!!... sigh Ok ready to go.... car hot as hell!!!! nooooo!!!! forgot to put on the sun shield again!! :s

Drove like crazy...found you waiting in the scorching sun!.
"Sorry I'm late!" I said
"...." you just kept silent....
Don't blame you if you'r angry with me......  I would be.... I said to my self.
"Half hour in the sun...what do you think?" She shouted
"Sorry ...I ....overslept!" I mumbled.
"And what about the wake up call? why did you need one if you went back to bed? you said see you soon!!" she continued yelling.
"Slept again right after.... work been terrible last night!" I said.
"This is happening on daily basis now.... sigh ..all the hiding and mysteries"

I asked her if she would have liked to stop for a refreshing drink and grab b'fast \ lunch = "brunch".
we did ..... .we talked over a few topics .... mostly general stuff ordered our food and a take out salad to take with us by sea.

Hoo God ....I almost choked in my drink, just as I was having my first sip... as you said out of the blues "so what about your blog? !!!"
Blog? ...what blog?...(my heart stopped)
The cooking page! you should really set one up  ,I know you can do it ...you can write recipes and helpful tips too,  people will love that!!!

Wheeew sweet, sweet relief.

Somehow I postponed  the subject to an other time yet again .....

Today was amazing ^^ loved the swim in the chilly waters, our walk by the sea... the Chinese take out ...and the movie.... and now here I am again, writing...

I thank you my dear you made today special ....made me remember once again why I love you ...and as much many times I don't show you, I do, I really, really do! perhaps I never loved any one quite like you.....

pricks of a rose

There is no rose without thorns, something so beautiful  so delicate to the touch but yet it hides sharp thorns. 

Your beauty will not be forgotten...your kindness will be kept a nice memory...after all you took something that belongs to me ...my heart.

I can still see it clear in my mind the day you wrapped your arms around his neck....the soft kiss on his lips as  you kissed him, you made a point to do it in front of me! you made it a point that I see it! you made it a point I was the only witness! , you stared at me, you knew  it was painful to me not only cause  it was you ...  but why did it have to be Joe....I lost two important pieces in my life that day you and Joe.

Me, instead of being happy that you found what you was searching for, I was sad, I felt rage... I felt envy... I wanted you ...I  wished you...I lost you ....  

(the weirdest fact is that for at least two years I would have never heard of you two being together or I would have never saw an other kiss happening in front of my eyes it was just that one episode....sometimes I thought it was just a figment of my imagination, but it was real ....it happened I saw it ... ..). But I could not share it, had to keep it inside me...after all it happened just once so why it happened??  

was your way to play with me? Its a feeling I kept buryied deep inside me for long ..too much until this day I never shared it but I think it was time to! after all, time cleaned and healed the wound  ...at least most of it....

Perhaps dear it was your way to set me free! you wanted to open the cage where my heart was kept captive? or was a way to imprison it even more?

...