There where the grass is greener?

I felt like no longer she looked at me the same way as before, I felt she was getting distant and more distant as days went on. Perhaps it was just me or just in my head, but the thing is, that I felt uncomfortable with this situation, and the more days that passed the stronger this feeling became. Now what I promised to my self seemed to be distant, the person I tried to forget and avoid felt like he was what I wanted, what I needed back then, he felt warm even if he was distant, and Cassidy felt cold even when we made love.

I was sure I love her, but I was not sure I loved her the same way as before. We have been trough so much in the past years, we had our happy moments our sad moments, we smiled... we laughed... we cried...we painted this life together starting from a blank canvas, but I felt like I was not the author of the painting, I simply could not see  myself in it any more.

I wished I had time to think things over, but I could not take for ever. After all I felt like it would be selfish of me to do so, must not forget I was not alone feeling this way, I was more then just sure.

Guga kept me trapped under his spell for months, he gave me all that back then I needed, from attention to care. But he could not offer love, he never did since the beginning, he just offered me an escape route just that, all the rest was just in my head, just an illusion,  I wanted just an acknowledgement but he never gave me that. At least I knew were he was standing and where his feelings would lead him...I did not know where mine would lead me!. 

The day I told Guga I might be falling for him even if I never met him in person was the day that the relationship started to change. He never looked for love, or if he secretly was, he never shared that with me, after all he was a reserved person. From that day our encounters started to diminish, to the point I started to forget how his voice sound, how his face looked like. Only my thoughts of him never changed.

It was the time when I realised and started asking the question to myself...what was I doing?.
I felt used and mentally abused, I let him do this to me, filling me up with his sweet words, making me feel good about my self...I could not hate him for that....no I couldn't...

I tried my best to avoid any contact with him and just ignored all of his messages, I wanted to take control back of  my life and my emotions. No more I left him be the ruler of my dreams...



...at least I tried.

Picture google images

Light

Thought that I was strong, but falling for you felt to sweet and to good...

With the days that passed Guga infiltrated deeper and deeper in my mind and well under my skin. I tried to ignore him, refuse to believe what my mind was telling me. I wanted to be true to Cassidy, but I feared she will never understand so I  buried these feeling even deeper.

I hated my self to let me fall for him, I tried to ignore him,  walk away, but this was not possible. Leaving him behind forcing myself to make me forget him, forcing myself to find something wrong within him, I even started building up possibilities of my own to make me turn my mind away from him. But ....his face, his words....I could not just ignore. Guga followed me and kept calling my name and I followed.

Then an obsession, a constant image in my head, violently invading my thoughts, I wanted to know more, I wanted to know who and why this person was invading my thoughts. I wanted to know or find something that would have made me hate him, to give me a reason to cut off this relation, and burn the bridges that connected us.

I wanted to make sure this person was for real. I wanted to know everything about him. Secretly I looked up for him on the web...

For days I looked and searched using the little information I had, then when I was sick and tired of it and about to give up... information started to emerge.

First a picture then a second name, then a university a working place...slowly was building an image of who this Guga was, I realised that all that he shared was real.  I felt so bad  to have doubted him, to have not believed.

I now knew all about him his family, working place, friends and favourite places to hang. This obsession devoured  every thing else...he was a constant in my head. He could not leave...he wouldn't leave..and I wouldn't let him go.... it was now to late to go back.

No more I walked away, Stranded and tired I let my self fall into destiny's hands....  

Picture by tumblr 

The howling

Many times I loose my self in endless thoughts, thoughts that feel like soft lullabies inside my head, played over and over until I finally wake up to know it was all for real...


You might think you know people but at the end of the day you can never really know a person... isn't this the horrible cold truth?.

Sometimes love is all about letting go, that is a constant reminder I put to my self. You might think I was cold and distant, perhaps I hid my true emotions for a reason that I was to scared to face, you showed yourself true and pure, opened all of what you are to me, trusting me, even if I was just a stranger narrating nonsense. Now I learned, like I learn every day I live, committing the same mistakes over and over realising every time that I am on the edge.

Now I look at you from the distance, not sure if you still remember me if you can still remember my face and my voice...

Angel of mine you came into my life just like a storm, quick and strong and left without leaving a trace of you.




She was just like the wind....

Late at night she came silently,

With her long black hair,

Endless beauty, capturing eyes,

Sweet and kind,

Came silent just like the wind

Touched me just like the wind

Bit me just like the wind

Froze me just like the wind

Embraced me just like the wind

You cut me just like the wind

You went away just like the wind

People are like instruments, we only have to learn how to play them, pressing the right keys, pulling the right cords. Fine tuning them till we learn to listen even without hearing any sound... I remember your sound clearly like it was just yesterday. Yesterday I promised my self to let you go, I promised not to play your cords any more, I will just listen quietly from the distance hearing your music played from the distance. Wondering if you ever wonder about me....wondering if we will ever play the old chant together.   


Angel of mine once again I say goodbye, even if deep inside I know this is not the last time I'll be calling your name, somehow I know...somehow I want to believe. I was and still am grateful to have met you, I still believe that meeting you was a sign of fate. I don't regret a single second of it, you made me find myself again when I was falling in this void, you were there for me like many others showing that there was still a reason to believe in dreams even if some dreams would have never had to come true...I wish you  good fortune my love...


Love Hotei...  

Picture by Hotei 

A warm place

 There were times where I could look with a honest heart  into your eyes...

Decided to talk my heart out to Cassidy, it was time to face my fears and my doubts. All I could do was to stare into her eyes, looking at my own reflection in her now teary eyes.
At the end of our discussion I was even more confused, I kissed Cassidy over and over, I made love to her. And there I was sure I loved her...but this was even more confusing to me...

There were times where I stumbled and fall...

Face my fears, living in this void will not be of any help, decided to come out clean with Guga and tell him all about what was going in my head... may be talking to him would have found an answer to some of my questions and clear some of my confusion...

"Never fall in love with me he said..." but it was just to late...to late to turn my back on this sentiment. It felt horrible in its beautiful reality.


There were times where I could look into your eyes and feel safe...

I led myself to an unstoppable deterioration, I doubted my self I doubted my love for Cassidy. I doubted everything and nothing. Only God knows how lost I felt, how much I prayed and wished to understand what was going on in my head. But as they say everything happens for a reason, and before I drove my self to insanity I opened my heart and mind to my new found friend Gwanni, he listened and understood my feelings, he asked no questions and showed me unconditional love in its true form. There I started to realise that what was going on in my head could be understandable and normal. Loving someone else while in a relationship it could happen, loving someone of my own sex it was possible and mostly... I was normal to feel confused, lost and afraid... at the end of this long dark tunnel I found a glowing warm place to rest, waiting with open arms for me to feel safe...a place I could call home or if I may dare to call it family.


There were times where it felt good to feel scared...

Picture By tumblr

The fall

I tried to give a name to the feelings inside my head but as much as I might have tried all was in vain, or perhaps I was scared to give it a name. I could try as I may but I could not get Guga out of my head, he followed me during the day, at night he ruled my thoughts making it hard to close my eyes. He taunted me in my dreams. He became my refuge, my escape, my strength.

For days I was lost in the meanders of my mind, to finally put an answer to my questions. With each passing day the more I wanted to know about this person, that now was well deep under my skin.

Love?, could it be possible...how? In my entire life I had never felt such a gravity towards my own sex, now.. all of a sudden it was happening. I must be honest, I hated my self, I tried to ignore this feeling but the more I tried the more I wanted of him. There I was... lost and confused.

Cassidy knew something was not right, but decided not to ask, I decided not to share, after all our relationship started deteriorating bit by bit, and I could have never found the guts to talk things out, this is not natural or real I thought. But it was real, as real as the air I breathe. Could not tell anyone about it, was afraid that no one would understand what was going on inside my head. After all I could not understand my own self and feelings, to that day I only imagined love between the opposite sex, love between the same sex was simply unthinkable!. Then slowly I started placing answers to my questions, Love could come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love could overcome distance, love could change one's beliefs.

Now I gave a name to the feeling that invaded my body and mind, but was it the same from the other side of the monitor?.

Guga seemed to be honest, I believed in him and in all that he said. He opened my eyes to look to the meaning of love in a totally different way I was used to... and I was ready to take every risk just to know he shared the same feeling I did...every risk...even at cost of loosing her...

Picture by tumblr 

Sweet decadence

Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 

Can you fall for someone you've never met?

I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...

Picture by tumblr

A knight in rusted armour

Grim topic you have chosen my love, very grim indeed... if you think about it. Not quite suitable for the night I thought. But quite fascinating in its metaphoric meaning. Lately the subject raised more then just once, perhaps a sign?, or just pure coincidence. Or may be its just in my head,  many times I fear you discovered my long kept secret...

We die two times in our life, when we close our eyes for the last time and when our name is called for the last time.

Watching your vivid eyes shimmering to the flickering candle lights curious and exited peeking trough a golden mark made me see what made me fall for you. A constant fall in this bottomless pit of dreams sometimes warm and comforting, other times cold and dark.   

"Your my knight in shining armour"  you said, I smiled and fell in love all over again, just like I do every time I find the guts to look deeply into your eyes.

Even on the day were I was suppose to be away from it all, destiny followed me and guess something more then just destiny. Its funny and scary at the same time, "it" recognised me even if I hid behind my gilded mask. "Castille" it read, I smiled and set down quietly to the table, you leaned down gently and whispered the word "destiny". I am not sure what scared me more, to see that destiny followed me or to hear you utter such word upon discovering our placement. But if all this meant to fall more and more for you I am more then happy to feel such fear.

Isn't  it funny how we let the past alter our future, how a tiny event leave big repercussions upon our lives, the way we change our way of thinking the way we act.

I thought I would have to loose you along the way, but you stayed besides me, picking up the bits and pieces I left behind. Loving every single bit of me for what I am, for what I have to give.

I have to retain my self as a lucky person to encounter such a person along my way, you sacrificed you for me not giving a toss what others thought, you synchronised to my rhythm... slowed down when I did... forgetting the world out there never looking back.

A knight in shining armour you called me. I have long forgotten those words, almost I feel uncomfortable to hear them placed on the same sentence with my name. It have been a long time since I wore my armour to lead you out of the dark woods, way to much, to the point of forgetting the way out. At the very end I will have to face and fight my demons, wanting it or not.  

Picture by google images 

Things I wish I never knew

Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.

I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  

Picture by tumbler 

My friend...

For days or I must say weeks I kept contact with my new friend Guga. He unblocked his profile, that meant he now trusted me (or perhaps it was just normal procedure). I was fascinated by the staggering amount of countries Guga visited!, I could count at least 20 countries visited in the past years!. I could not have a proper conversation with him so I could not ask directly about his travels and if by any chance he ever  visited my country. We left comments or messages, more essays then messages, we left these long messages saying mostly about our countries. I asked for no more to be honest, it was a way to kill time in the morning, just that,  all the rest was a bonus, get to know Guga and his background was just an additional bonus.

I learnt a lot about him and his native country. All I could say about Portugal prior our encounter was pinpoint it on a map and of-course I knew about food facts but not much more, when he said he was from Lisbon all I could remember was the "Lisbon treaty" pretty embarrassing to say.

After a few weeks or so, on a morning Guga and me had a proper conversation, it was  fun and interesting, for an hour or two we talked non stop. He asked me to add him on MSN messenger but I refused, for two reasons really, first I had no MSN messenger and secondly I remembered Cassidy's saying about not to trust much!. So it was, he respected my answer and the subject was never brought up again. On that day he explained me about his job and why he was able to travel so much. I would have loved to live a life like his, full of travels, it was always a dream I had, just I always needed to have a place to call home at the end of the day. He seemed not to mind it, he looked so happy in his pictures and one of the things I remember telling him that day was to never stop smiling!.

About a month or so from the day we became friends I decided to remove my account. I received way to many messages that made me feel uncomfortable and found to be almost offensive from many other perverted users.  There I found my friend Gwanni and made this adventure more worth keeping even if it was for a wee bit longer and so it happened.

Then, the more I got to know Guga the more I found it hard to just leave, after all he was so nice and polite to me. It is there where I thought of signing up on MSN and have an account to add Guga and be able to keep his friendship.

It was just by a hit of luck that I added a new friend on the day I was suppose to remove my account. As I did not know what I was going against, or perhaps I knew, I just ignored all of the warnings...

    

Picture by google images

You have a friend request.

Rainy day again.... as always on that harsh winter, one of the worst I can remember that hit the island in years. Not able to get out in the morning, logged in as usual on my new hi5 account. Had 10's of requests as always, all as usual, not quite...

Ignored most and added just a few as always. While browsing the new "friends" profiles and replying to some of the messages, a picture caught my attention, at first thought it was one of mine and thought "what is this picture doing on a strangers profile?!" then realised many where similar to mine four pictures where identical!, or almost, the angle changed by a little. Curious I decided to comment on one of them and left a simple message saying "we might have crossed our way without realising :) ". 

The day after logged in early in the morning as I wanted to see if I had received a comment or a reply back, but nothing, no luck. Still curious and bored to death, continued to browse trough pictures on the strangers profile, I could not get much information as most was blocked, all I could see were pictures. Then a few minutes later received a message saying "indeed, loved it in there!". I replied with just an emoticon ( :) ) not quite sure what to say and not quite knowing why I did comment in the first place and actually felt a wee stupid for doing so. Received yet an other message and then an other, asking me when I did take take the pictures and where I was from. I replied without hesitation and asked back the same questions. Portugal! he said (and yet again for privacy sake I'll be calling him Guga) .

Incredible! we been in London on the same dates visited places on the same day and yet we had to meet again a week after online!. 

This person (Guga) had a certain charisma, he was fun in his own way and very educated. He was not vulgar, but out of the ordinary polite... too nice to be real, not like the many others out there. 

Said goodbye after a few minutes, I logged out a little puzzled not quite sure what it have been said. It felt weird or perhaps a little awkward more then weird. Yet I left with a smirk on my face, like the one a kid has when discovering something new and he is ready to shout it to the world. Picked up Cassidy from work and told her about the pictures, she just said to me "you are too naive sometimes Hotei its just a coincidence and you must not trust strangers, you are old enough to know that". She left me with that and I never brought up the subject ever again....ever since.  

I many times wish I have listened to her....but I did not. Went my way and never shared what happened to me from that day onwards..not yet at least...  

picture by google images

My asylum...

We hold on to a secret to preserve our dignity, this is what I did I kept feelings deep inside for so long that they are now hurting me so much. But when it comes to share them I am feeling naked and exposed. I have made this corner my asylum, its here where I escape and find shelter. 

I must add a particular to my story, that happened just a few days before meeting Gwanni. I planed to remove my account days before. I would have disappeared and removed my account, but not alone I would have kept contact with one person that I've met on the net...someone who had captured my attention....someone that was in London the same days I was.... someone that I might have bumped in without realising while walking in the crowd... someone that destiny wanted me to cross path with.....someone who took the same picture...the picture that divided my world in two.

I was lucky enough to find a friend that would have helped me turn back when I was on the edge of insanity. I would have not been here if that day I did not find my friend Gwanni.

Picture by Hotei 

The other side of the mirror....my version

Back then when I resigned from my old job, found out that none of my friend were left waiting for me and most probably none wanted to have anything to do with the person I have become.

Now with more time on my hand I had discovered new interests, but as soon as winter made its self feel I had no option but to stay home. To break a little the daily monotony I started using a social network (hi5). It was all going fine till I started sharing pictures of my self and most of the “friends” started commenting on my image and asking for sex and video calls. I was not looking for a relationship, but I was looking for a friendship nothing else nothing more.

On the day I was suppose to delete my account, a request I sent was accepted, and a short while after I was having a nice conversation with a guy from across the ocean his name was Joao (I then nicknamed him Gwanni, translated from my mother language).

I shared my world with him and he showed me his world. An unknown gravity made me go back every single day, craving to know more about this new friend and about his world. Days passed and it was time for me to remove my account once and for all....

...I needed to escape from the network ...back then I was more retained more closed into-myself, I was not always like that but the events that occurred in my life made me change the person I was once...

I was scared, and somehow hated many of the proposals I was receiving, events in my life made me scared almost “homophobic”. Don't get me wrong I never done anything or discriminated anyone, I was just scared, again life happenings made me be scared.

But I somehow new this was not just an ordinary friendship it felt from the very beginning that something much more bigger was to be conceived. It was a friendship that would have not know any boundaries no distance and asked nothing in return ….just to listen and understand .

Thanks Gwanni,

Your friend C.  

The Other Side Of the Mirror

My new adventure on social network started deteriorating day by day, I was disgusted by many of the users asking for virtual sex. I was sick of them and their comments, I was not looking for a relation or to have some fun with an unknown person from God knows where, I just wanted a friendship or someone to talk to and relive me from my boring mornings as my friends were all gone back then!.

Now many started commenting on my image and pictures I appeared in, so I removed all of my personal pictures and replaced them with others...all I kept was my real name and country.

It was then when I met my dear friend Gwanni (John) it was my last day but the replies of him made me smile so I thought it was worth to keep a little longer.


My dear friends this is the version of the facts from the other side of the monitor, given by my friend Gwanni, the friend I met that day and never regretted I did, he kindly agreed to share his version and I am now glad to post this on his behalf.

The other side of the mirror 

In that month, when I realised my dream and opened my own store, I decided to “get back to origins” and opened a new hi5 account. I closed my account one year and half before, when my dear Kit-chi passed away. Together and even before him, I had so much good moments in hi5! Meet there a lot of friends – had more than 5000 friends there, from all over the World. ^^

This decision of returning to hi5 was very important to me – it means that I was finally ready to move on, after so much time suffering and even being in the hands of death, months earlier.

I'm a very leery boy [not that I like to be], but life made me be like that. When I meet new persons I tend to take some time to really trust them. I like to meet persons in social networks, in particular in the old days of hi5. Comparing it with Facebook  for example  I would prefer the good old hi5, because there you could only share things with those you like and those who were your friends there – now Facebook has that kind of settings too, but it took too much time. 

Either way, I still preferred the hi5 for meeting people.

Well, those reasons and the fact that I love to meet persons and their cultures from all over the World, made me return to hi5. My return wasn't going like I was used. In a year and half, many things changed. People changed a lot, turning to be more interested in “sex” and “webcam shows” than friendships. 

I got disappointed with persons, day by day. 

In the end, had only one friend in Mexico who was interesting enough to make me go again to talk there. But, even her got a boyfriend and left hi5. I decided to give up too. In my last day there, one beautiful day, a person called Sam send me a Friend Request. 

I was browsing and then heard a email coming.

Went see it. 

Saw the email. 

It was a Friend Request from hi5. 

Looked to the picture. It was a very interesting picture. A person, in a black and white photo, half naked, smiling kirky and hugging them self  hiding the boobs, with a very caring eyes-looking. The hair was short, like many girls do have now, but I thought:

“Fits her well!

She seems nice, lets give a try!” – I smiled happy and went once again to hi5. ^^

I was surprised.

Somehow, I felt that this person was to be special. I accepted this Friend Request and very soon, Sam sends me a message, saying:

“Thank you for accept my friend request!

My name is Sam, and you? :0)”  

I was still puzzled!

Was Sam a boy or a girl?

In my opinion  Sam could be the short name for Samuel [boy’s name] or Samantha [girl’s name].  So that’s why I was confused! :P

Well, I didn't want to hurt Sam’s feelings, but I was very curious to know!

So in my replying message, I asked “nicely” if he was a boy or a “tomboy”! *blushes*

Sam replied very soon again, asking me why I was asking that! 

Ended the reply, saying he was a boy! xD

I replied again explaining my doubts. 

Somehow, I knew I believe him. 

Deep inside, I felt I could really trust him! 

Sam loved the explanation! 

Send me a long message, with tons of questions about me and my country!

[Also explained me about the picture, that wasn't of him - it was a very cute girl, like I thought first!] 

[Sam is really cute too, btw!] :P

Once again, I replied and answered all his questions. I asked him a lot of things too, as I love to know more about different countries. He lives in a place across the ocean, a place that I never went, at least in this life – but will go in one of these days! ;D

We soon enough found we were very similar in many aspects. Day by day, we left comments in the murals of each one and for more personal questions, we used to left messages to each other.

A month after we met first time on hi5, Sam send me his email,with a small note:

“Just in case you wanna know me more!  ;o)” 

Of course I wanted to know him more…

An amazing story had began!

A story of a friendship that asked nothing in return, just to listen...and understand.

Pictures and story provided by Virgulas do Destino

A friend named John

Its funny how faith works, was suppose to delete my profile and forget about it in just minutes. What faith had in store was totally different. Found a friendship that withstood the proof of time.

Days after days I sent messages to my new friend (Gwanni), discovered a lot about his country (Portugal) and discovered that we were not so much different after all. Its funny when you think that a few days earlier he was thinking to delete his profile too, now we both found a special friendship, deeper then others I used to know. A friendship that asked nothing in return, just to listen...and understand.

For a reason I still not quite grab, I have told no one about the friendship I made. Perhaps I thought there was no reason to do so, and besides there was nothing wrong about it. It was just an on-line friendship, nothing more... well not quite true, it was more then just a friendship I knew deep inside that this friendship would lead me to a much different level of friendship. I knew this was no ordinary friendship can't explain why but I just knew!.

And all things happen for a reason they say, and this is one truth I would have discovered very soon.

Picture on loan from Virgulas do Destino

The proof is in the pudding!.

I feel exhausted!. What a week it have been!. The bad weather is not helping at all. Luckily yesterday the weather was kind and the sun showed up in its mighty glory all day!. It was nice to have a walk in the park and be able to snap a few pictures. The day ended up in a very good way, met Tory and talked over a bottle or red, it have been a while since we last met!. Unbelievable when thinking that we live on a rock that measures  27Km by 14Km!!. Was sorry to hear she is having troubles at work again, and I think she shouldn't,  as she is very passionate about it, and goes well over and above her duties all the time!.

Thinking about it I am not having the best days at work either. I simply wish I was able to kick my own self for dropping my position. I have worked hard to be able to get "the" position, the effort I put in showed as the restaurant was ranked one of the top restaurants on the island leaving  way behind my old friends  from my last employment!!! (In your face buddies!!!).  But I am afraid that I am a proud person, very proud, many times way to much and over the smallest things. Stubborn! yes I am, way to much many times stubborn too, but I like to make my point clear and now no matter what happens I will standby the decision I made even at the cost of leaving my job!.

To make a long story short, I took charge of the kitchen at its peek season, ended up working twice the work as before, not because of my position just because Mr Crabs did not want to employ a new cook!. After a long discussion he gave in and agreed to get a new cook, he somehow realised that before we were 4 in the kitchen and now we ended up just 2!. Not mentioning the silly wage increase! and must not forget that on my first month I spent over 200 Euros on fuel just to shop around for the restaurant no joke when you remember the size of this island!!!. Well this was not just it! I have mentioned in one of my past posts that Mr crabs while giving me the new contract said a few things I did not quite like, referring to (you are way too young and the I don't know you part!). I returned the contract back just after a few days and said to him that I am not signing it, as I have proved myself enough during the past year and a half. Somehow he understood my point. To mess up the situation even more he got a new guy that apparently had no experience in the sector and this was the final blow!. I called Mr crabs and told him to get a new chef as I am leaving!.

He bagged me to stay and stupid me I said yes. After a 3 months of hard work a new guy steps in, and the first thing Mr Crabs tells me was make sure you teach him well and check the stuff before sending it out!.

Now! WAIT A MINUTE! You are telling me that you got a new chef, younger then me (Please notice the YOUNGER THEN ME BIT), that is my superior, and I have to make sure he works good? I have to check if my superiors work  is good enough???.

Now after a month that the new "Chef" started here I am leading from behind the scenes, trying not to make the reputation of the restaurant drown. I love doing my job, and I am very passionate about my job, I cant let this bloke ruin this place so I must all the time step in and fix all the "fuck ups" this guy makes, answer to all the damn questions and fix every single issue that rises up. And who takes the credit? Not me!!. Now don't get me wrong, the new guy is a good "boy" and he tries his best, just I don't think this is his piece of cake. There is to much to chew here!. "The proof of the pudding is in the eating" they say, indeed!. Last week after a tremendous service the new guy came to me and said "Thanks Hotei you saved me today!". I got a bit mushy and just said its OK no problem...but come on I cant all the time step in and try to not let the ship sink!. This is getting to much on my nerves and annoying me, I have applied for numerous jobs and to my surprise I got a respond from the least expected...left quite a good impression on the  manager and said I will definitely hear from him, now one question rises...will I be able to say goodbye to the kitchen I love so much?. Will I be able to hang up my apron once and for all?.

  

Pictures goggle images (no the apron is not mine) ;)

  

My name is John.

Winter made itself feel in its mighty glory just a few days after our return. With lots of time on my hand and most days I was unable to leave home due to the terrible weather, I discovered something that I have long forgotten....It was then when I triggered a hidden force, something I called destiny...

Brought to the light an old gift that for long it have been forgotten. I needed to kill some time and this gift seemed to show up to me at the right time.

What made me  join a social network, I have absolutely  no idea! but there I was, signing up on one. May be just to kill some time, or may be just to make new friends, as my friends have long departed me. Signed up and just after a very small while I received my very first request. It was kind of fun to interact with so many different cultures and ideas from across the globe. I loved a good discussion and loved the comments I started receiving about my pictures...loved to explain about my country and the places in my pictures...for many my country was new, never heard of.

It was fun until it lasted...I started receiving odd requests and soon I discovered that it was a bad idea to join a social network were everyone could see you and add you. Many started to be quite annoying and many times I founded them offensive. Just a few weeks after opening an account there I was!, signing in for the last time to trash my account. But that did not happen, received a comment on one of the posts I had on my profile, then a few minutes later received more comments about more pictures. Somehow I knew it was worth to keep the account may be just a little longer, after all there were good people there too...and after all it was a good choice to keep the account a little longer.

My name is John he said... it was the start of a true and strong friendship from across the ocean.... 

 Picture by google images 

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt 

My profile picture at the time 

In love again.

For so many years I locked my self and neglected my own self and most of all I ignored my loved one. Now it was the ideal time to make something and revert all this and make up for the time lost.

The only logical ting was to spend as much time as possible with each other, after all for years we left many things unsaid and left our relationship deteriorate slowly, without doing anything about it. Perhaps I have to blame my own self for this, she always gave me all of herself and all that she had, now it was time to give her something back.

Slowly we started coming closer again, it kind of felt like a new feeling discovering it for the first time... 

At the end of summer left for a small retreat just the two of us our destination was London. I can remember it very clearly, I was so trilled only left the island 5 years before, I have....we have changed so much during these years I felt like rediscovering my own self. It have been a very long time since we had time to be close and alone. Making love the first night felt different, I was different, she was different I felt  like a stranger in my own skin. Perhaps I needed more time to come out of this, it was a slow recovery and the most ting I hated about it was that it was not allowing me to see her feelings clearly, I could not feel the warmth I was used to, she felt somehow distant.

I watched her sleep that night, I could not sleep, my mind was crowded with thoughts. I had it all I thought, I now let it all go. I felt ashamed of my own self, she deserved better I thought. That night we were on the same bed but yet felt distant...there I promised that I will give her more of myself.

Each day that passed we found more and more of what made this flame start, making love now became more of what I used to know, no longer I felt ashamed of laying beside her in her sleep. It felt safe to hold hands again nothing could harm us or break us apart.

Just like every journey it had to come to an end, mine was no difference. Came back home brand new, overflowing with emotions, one of the best feelings I ever felt in my entire life. We were in love again, just like the first time.

 As we found each other again and our long lost feelings, destiny had something lurking for us that would make our world crumble and fall, just like a very sick joke played softly like a lullaby by a stronger and bigger force something that only time had power over it... 

Pictures by tumblr

Colour in a dull world.

As days passed  I started working at the new place, trying to leave the past behind. It was a totally different scenario, more calm more friendly and inviting, I was almost intimidated by the situation, it was almost surreal.  I could not understand how there could be such a big difference between the old post and this one. I asked many times myself how I could have done this to me, how I let my self be blinded by a little money. For years I knew nothing but work, I had become dull.

Many times drove my way to work early, and took my time strolling around the city watching the crowd going at its pace. Staying at home was not going to do me any good, locking my self up wont help me, so (I thought)  why not have a walk, and have a coffee. I might be having it alone but at least I'm out and I could see new places and new faces. That alone was enough. Started rediscovering my passions, time over time I silently watched the tourist wondering about capturing every corner, stone, door and window. Colour! and little noises,  a carriage drawn by a horse making its way trough the crowd in an almost eerie silence only broken by footsteps on the cobblestones.  

Walking in the silent streets of the city leading to the new place made me think... I started noticing a world full of colours, shapes and sweet soft sounds. I loved it! it felt good! too good to be true, but it was true I was now living. 

Long time ago a very good friend of mine gave me a small gift, a "photo camera" I started to capture what my eyes saw and thought it was worth to be frozen forever. My morning stopped to be dull and empty, now this time was worth living, I felt passionate about this new hobby. Discovered the beauty of the early morning...the mist, no longer I cursed it for stopping me from driving early in the morning, now I was fetching for more and more scenarios. Inspiration was not to far, it was all along around me, tourist came to capture and savour a little of what my country can give, it was now time for me to give a little back to them.

The old company started paying me what was due to me, and with this little extra I could plan a small gift for Cas and me. She was delighted!, it was a surprise to her after so many years. Now we could spend real quality time together, we could restart living and rediscover each other just like in the past.

Picture by tumblr 

  

Light...

On the day of my exit I did not look back, I felt this proud feeling about my self deep inside me. It felt like the best thing I could do for my self and the people who are around me and love me. Now I could take back my life, now I could sail back this boat to shore after the long tedious journey.

But no matter how much I have tried, no matter what I did I felt still overwhelmed by this anger deep inside me. I still hated the people ho tried to make my life miserable, and the more I thought about it the more it grown. I could not take it, I have never harmed anyone for personal gain, but there I was, a victim of their greed and selfishness, I was weak so that was my punishment, I deserved to feel miserable.  

At home it was not any different, I preferred to be alone I needed the time to be alone. Time...now I had time, time to think more to the point of nausea. Have this thick skin I'v grown suffocated the man trapped inside it?.  It took me days to realise I was out of the tunnel, I looked and searched for the life I have left unlived 5 years before. But I could not find it, all the friends I had left were all gone, no one was left to wait for me, and contacting them was not going to help, they surely must have forgotten about me, why would they remember?. They left me behind them as they continued living their lives or was I to leave them as I never replied to them, or I was simply to busy with my work building a future ignoring my past, leaving alone what I had to leap in the dark and maybe make a future out of it. All alone again I was in no different position  from the work I have just left. Would my act be waisted in vain?.

Then found help, a help that was always near me but I was to blinded to see. I was cold and I was many times bitter to her, I have left questions of hers un-answered. Many times I just started an argument to be able to escape and be alone again and safe in my dark corner, safe from the light of this new world, this new life I have now started living. Only God knows how many times I made her cry with my cold attitude, but she instead of turning her back on me...she smiled and showed me that she still cared for me, that there was something still worth to live for, and most of all that we still shared the same dream that we once started dreaming a while back.

By the time I have opened my eyes, she started loosing hope, effected by my selfishness and stubbornness. Or maybe realising that I was now waking up from this long, deep nightmare I trapped myself in, decided to make me have a taste of my own bitter behaviour. And how I can blame her for that?. She slapped me back to me asking nothing in return, only to be treated like a human being with feelings should be treated, not just indifference and neglect.

Pictures by tumblr