Showing posts with label Destiny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Destiny. Show all posts

Monday, 16 March 2015

Happiness is...



"A man. His life, a story so familiar to you and everyone else you know. Us. Constantly in  search  for this thing called happiness".

                                  The quest. Happiness. It takes a lifetime to conquer or perhaps one never truly finds it because one never learns how to understand it. Perhaps it is found in the most insignificant things that we never bother to give importance to.

Guess its hard to describe, guess its not easy to understand. Guess its not right to chase it down. It will come in its own time and place. One thing I have learned over the years, is that as much as we run, as much as we force things to happen, if they were not meant to happen they will not... as simple as that!. They will happen in the time they were meant to happen no matter what we do. One must let time do its own course, forcing will only make the wait more painful at least this is how I think it works, I might be wrong but its how I see it.


Happiness. How to: it is more easy then its seams. Happiness is found in a million forms shapes and sizes.

Happiness is in my opinion the simplest of feelings, the most clear, yet we so find it hard to recognise it.




...A late night talk to a friend.
     ...The rain falling in your hands.
         ...Inspiring someone.
             ...Finding someone as weird as you.
                 ...Being the reasons for someones happiness.
                     ...Falling in love with your best friend.
                          ...A purring cat.
                              ...A warm smile of a lover or a friend.




 ..Happiness can be all that you want it to be. 
Simply believe.. 


...it is easy as a pie. 




Picture by Hotei  




Tuesday, 24 February 2015

The rain whispered.


Destiny is what created this blog and guess its destiny that is knocking on my door again. Just by coincidence wanted to read the last actual post I wrote, it have been a long while and I could not remember what was it or what it talked about. It was ordinary. Yes just like me, but there! something made me smile. Something made me say the old words "ah! destiny" long time I did not mention you!. And here you are again on my threshold waiting and waving for me. What was it you ask? "Monday, 24 February 2014" the same date as today! call that a coincidence!.



I do not know how many times I have come here and stared for hours at a blank screen. Perhaps hitting a few buttons and then moments later hit the delete button and erase all in mere seconds.

But unexpected events, warm whispers from distant friends keep coming at night, waking me up. Sweet hauntings, mellow lullabies. This I cannot delete, these I cannot turn my back too. And guess this is how it all started on a cold rainy day. Days like these make me feel the want to write. Perhaps the charcoal grey of the sky reminds me of the traces the pen leaves on a blank page. The smell of winter and the tight grasp of all that is winter drags me to this nostalgic state of mind. The cold wind howling, raindrops frantically bombing my window and the smell of wet grass, yes this is it the perfect recipe for winter. The perfect setting for me to remember. The perfect time for words and thoughts to sprout.

Still it is not easy to pick the exact words I want to say, its not easy to break the thick layer of ice that it has been created, but even the biggest of journeys have its start with a very humble beginning.

What to say? ordinary! that is me, that is what it have become of me. Still cashing my dreams, new dreams, its funny it never stops  a vicious circle this is!!. always wanting more, always looking for something new as insignificant or bombastic as it may be. So nothing really have changed you may think, perhaps not much, its the same old me. The same old me missing my dear friends and missing this world of words and thoughts.

Sometimes I take a little peek at this magical world for a tiny while but unfortunately it stops there, other times I grab a notebook that came across the ocean and a pen that the waves brought on these shores long before, but it stops there, words simply don't flow.

Even now I look at these few lines and the only word I seem to find fitting is eclectic. That's me always wanting to make a lot, starting a hundreds of  tasks and finish none of them. And I guess this is another beginning, another chapter of my life, a fresh page.... this thanks to you for waking me up dear rain...dear friends...and here it starts...






Picture by tumblr





Monday, 28 April 2014

Cupidity [4]



Together Apart.




Its time for me to steal five minutes of your time again, 
This is a heart melting one, hope you like it as much as I did. 

Its sad at moments and sweet at others.

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 








cornetto short movie; together apart 


Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Cupidity [3]



Kismet Diner.


Here is the third video for you.
 Remember the films all follow a pattern, the same theme, 
but every story is different, not the sentiment though. 

This is one of my favorite so far, yet my favorite is yet to come, guess
 I'm keeping the best for last!, 
although I think this is the sweetest of them all. 

Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 





Kismet Diner: by corneto short movie.



 

Monday, 14 April 2014

Cupidity [2]




Margot. 


And here is the second video for you.
 Same theme same plot different story, because every story is unique. 


Let me know what you think! love to hear from you!. 

...

Enjoy!. 








Margot. by cornetto short film. 






Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Harvester Of Stars






Harvester of stars, 
Lost among a million dreams, 
Wake! its not a dream. 










Reached for your hand, as we walked towards the dark reaching the golden room, there! where everyone wore masks. It was not our place, or perhaps it was the place we so longed for. Among fake smiles and subtle chants we made our way to the top of the stairs, looked down and saw destiny unfold, looked up and saw past in its mighty golden glory.

Fantasised a bit to much, perhaps the wine, perhaps had a little to much. As we walked among the masks came to me for a second or two, a memory of a past night, were fireflies filled the air, were a sweet smell of blossoms saturated the air.

I many times wondered how to make you listen the sound that was still, now that I learned you heard I find it hard to speak. But tonight we are not wearing masks only us walked unashamed among the crowd of dancing  phantoms. Only us walked proudly unveiled.

As more and more the night went by, the stars seamed to shine less, perhaps shadowed by the brilliance of the floating city above, or perhaps out-shined by your glistening eyes as they foretold what they saw in the imminent future. A leap in the dark it may seam to be, but who are we to judge? without even giving it a chance.

We wore a grin as we went back down the stairway, proudly walked among the crowd, they bowed in wonder as they removed their masks. To our chariot made us way...







Picture by Hotei©



 

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Understanding




Once more they made their way into my dreams. Once again I have been awaken by murmurs inside my head. The uncontrollable urge to empty my mind. Now that I know there is no way back, there is no way to erase what's done. I can't just let them go, these unsaid words are to dear to me, to dear to let go...




How funny this is, funny... perhaps I should say awkward. Awkward, is a much suitable word to use.  Lately I been writing and writing every thought that crosses my mind. I been writing on every vessel that could carry my thoughts away.  Anything!, as long the surface was good enough to write on. Anything to stop the tormenting voices inside my head, voices of the words still unsaid. I know if I don't let them out they  cease to exist, and how can I do this to them, they did nothing wrong they were born for the single reason to preserve, to make her somehow listen more the words I never say. And how can I ever ignore them? these sweet nothings...

These sweet little noises, perhaps good to say more then just whispers. Not easy to let them out, I forced them down deep inside. Perhaps one day they will make more sense, perhaps one day she'll understand them more. Perhaps one day I will understand them more. Perhaps one day I will understand the same texts I write. Perhaps one day I will learn to read properly the language of my heart.

These words may not be worth enough to share, but maybe one day they will kiss air. Whispers gently carried by the air we breath. To make us understand more this sentiment that words enough can never explain.

I know she craves for more, I know it have become a drug that keeps her coming and wanting more. Not greed perhaps, more assurance that it was not a dream, not a figment of her imagination. I am sure words will spread, and once more words will be set free while she peeks in disguise...





This is you, the soft lullaby playing softly in my mind. 
Something I can't simply turn my back on. 

This is you, the clear image before my eyes. 
Something I can't just ignore. 

This is you, the gentile touch on my skin. 
Something I can feel and know is real. 











Picture by tumblr 







Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Checkmate






Run away! Be gone!
All my feelings turned to rage
The spell is undone!


  How many times do I have to endure?...                    How many times do I have to walk these roads?...








Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... I craved so much for you in the past and you just kept saying the same cold no...

All of my love, all of my feelings, every little tiny bit of me craved for you. Now those past feelings turned to rage, everything that reminds me of you unleashes anger. Not regretting though... no this is not regret... how can I regret what once made me happy? how can I regret what made me the man I am today?.

Isn't it funny how things turn out to be... Now you are craving for me, for my heart, more then ever but I'll just say no...

You never thought you'll loose your own game, you never thought this boy would one day grow into a man only to find out and realising what a twisted game you played...

This quick note is not the end, its just a reminder to look back at for when my mind asks why or for when your lips ask me why... This is where our paths divide, this is where I say goodbye...this is where I take over the game....

Who are you?... who are you? to dare tell me you love me! is this part of your perfect plotted plan to assault my mind?. You can now play the old lullaby over and over, but my mind have now grown immune to its sound. I have learned to nod my head but will never listen... you'll never rule again.

Isn't it funny how this chapter has come to an end in the most unpredictable way? My pen drained enough precious ink over you...and my tears have long washed the blood stained paper on which I mourned your love on...

















I confess my mistakes as many I did and I admit, I am far from perfect, I am far from good but at least I was true...








A continuation from the lights of Lisbon 



Picture by Hotei ©  





Friday, 24 May 2013

Reminiscences...




 I lost count on how many times I promised not to write about  you... 
But how can you drown the will to put a stop to the constant loss of those sweet memories...




 I lost count on how many times I promised not to think of you... 
 But how can you not think, when everything reminds me of you...  




 I lost count on how many times I promised not to dream of you...
 But who can ever decide what one dreams... 

















I know you wish me to be gone, but yet I know something holds you back from leaving the thought of me behind. Darling you delivered your bleeding heart to me, but I was simply too scared to hold your hand. God knows how much it hurt me to see you depart, and God knows how hard it was to force my lips shut and utter no sound.

I have tried to ignore this feeling but yet something pulls me back to you over and over again. I promise that I will never shatter your world again, not for fear to break my own as mine turned to ashes the day you turned your back and walked away...far...without ever looking back.

How can you deny there was love where once there was emptiness... now it hurts even more to know we drown our feelings to deny each other...thus we do.

Alas, you had to leave, I will not weep for you today, but will shed a tear of joy as gratitude for coming into my life and fill it with short happy moments....moments I'll treasure trough my whole life.















Darling you came into my life faster then thunder and then left even more fast. You did not stay long into my life, but just long enough to leave your imprint on this thick skinned man.  
Darling I send you my love and a reminder that I'll always be here for you now and always... 







Picture by tumblr 




Monday, 8 April 2013

Release the swans free



Forgiven -piano cover




Never thought things will change, never wished for things to change...














     Upon a star up in the heaven's  
 Shed tears and Wished like in a childhood dream 
 Past feelings, so deep, too deep I fear 
   Buried so deep,  One never thought still exist  

 Close to the end of this dying Day  
 Finally found the way out of the mists  
 Soon I'll make my way, away- yet near 
 I Have to endure, I have to  subsist  

 A lie based on truth, fake?  no! not you 
 If its a dream, I must Wake to resist 
 Faith weaved this dream with its finest treads  
 Love and hate, To give this short tale a twist 

  Search and Find, the girl I never kissed 
    Scard my core, tough for it I never sought 
    Deep in my mind, among dreams I sift 
 Lost it All, you and me,  not even fought 

 Was it just me, to leave and ignore? 
 Or was it meant to undo this love knot? 
 Who's to blame? Might even have no name 
  Too tightly laced, to happen Just by chance  

 The moon shines only where there is dark 
 This leaves me with much more then room for thought   
I'm afraid of A dream, we once shared 
 Just a Dream, reality... shall be not...   






On this long tedious journey walking the path of my past, found you lost and scared. With every passing day I watched you grow, fighting demons, fighting fear. You gave me strength to go on, when I was tired. When I grew to tired to fight my own demons that haunted me, perhaps the same that before controlled you.  

I must beg for forgiveness, I am not sure what we have done wrong to end up so distant so lost... when we were following the same path. We both shared the same dream, a dream that has turned to ashes.

I forgive you my dear, for the many times you doubted me, for the many times you fetched escape away from me. Remember, I always be here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on. 

  




   In a prison made of broken dreams 
Dark was the water you choose to find rest 
Captive found yourself, must Break the chain  
The cold wind blew that night, no star shined bright 
Frozen by fear, with Chains at your feet 
Once you dreamed to be free, wings wide you spread 
No fear, your wings once more kissed the wind 
And you now know there was never a chain 
Nothing to hold you,  no walls to break 
This pond was your home, a prison you build 
Now you remembered, these wings can  Fly   
Slave no more, nothing to fear my black swan  
Far away, Away from here you chose to be... 



  





My dear I'll set you free, I let you be. I have no doubt that on this long path we will meet again. you might have set fire to every bridge while escaping your own self, giving the blame to me.

Now its time for me to go, as I write these last few lines I can remember every tear I shed. I can feel the raging heat on my skin while crossing these memories that long ago we set to flames...









Picture by tumblr 






Dedicated to the three persons that helped me become the man I am today...




Wednesday, 3 April 2013

A hasty decision (part 3)



If you set a rule to a child, like, "never open that drawer" what really happens is always the opposite, curiosity over comes and the child does anything but what you told him not to do...

                                                                          ~0~


Guga kept warning me to never fall for him, but I ignored all of his warnings, I simply could not control what I was feeling, and lets be honest, who can control his own feelings?. Sentiments cant be tamed or controlled and we can never choose for who or when we will fall, its just like an unwritten law.







I ignored every warning and sign, many times I thought about turning my back on him and simply walk away, just like nothing ever happened. But the image of him was stuck in my head and I could not get it out no matter what. The questions,  what should I do, why this happened and why him? was a constant in my head, it never left me not even when I was away with Cassidy. Then after a few weeks everything started not making any sense at all. Destiny, guess this time I am right when I call it destiny... followed me and tormented me without any mercy. Whatever I did and wherever I ran  the name Guga and the name Lisbon followed me, it was not just in my head, it was real, it was happening...

I could not find any option but to face this and I had to face him. Without any hesitation I thought of a way to end this once and for all. It would have been my make me or brake me decision. I could have lost everything I had and every one I loved, but I could not see any other way out.

Secretly subscribed with an online company to keep me posted with any vacancies for jobs of all sorts in Lisbon. I could not say a word of Portuguese not even to save my own life, but I could speak English, it could work I thought.  Searched for a place to stay and organised all of my accounts to have at least a few months without worrying about finances. Not after long I started browsing and sending my "Curriculum Vitae" to different companies in Lisbon, to my surprise just a few days later I received my first replies for a work.
There I thought more and more that this idea was a good choice. Found a place where to stay, and checked for flights, I wanted to be ready to leave any time.

My suitcase was packed and ready to go, just...was I ready to go? without a proper farewell to my love, and not even an explanation why this was happening.

And what would I do when I meet him?, if I meet him.... Would I recognise his face in the crowd?. His image was printed in my head, I would have, I thought.  But would he recognise me if he saw me? and what if he did, would that change anything?. And would I face my fears and talk to him if I did?. If I met him there... would he be different from the person I learned to know from miles away?.      

For days I stared at my suitcase, days in which I prayed that what I was about to do was the right choice.
I hoped for a sign, hope was all I had to hold onto. Leaving the world I knew, to step into the unknown void...











Pictures By google images


Wednesday, 20 March 2013

A hasty decision (part2)



For days after my arrival back home I avoided any contact with Guga, I was now sure of my feelings for Cassidy, I love her. I am sure, I do. I don't have the remote doubt about it.  Still, I wanted to know what was that feeling pressing upon my chest, why Guga would not leave me  alone... Why he constantly invaded my dreams.... 







To walk toward the decision I made was not easy, I have tried to control my feelings, but one cant undone or turn off his feelings. It takes time. Sometimes it never heals, it remains a constant at the back of our heads and sometimes it comes back to the surface without any warning, leaving us in denial.

Not sure if it was just a coincidence,  faith or destiny, but whatever it was, I found it to be cruel, a sick joke played by an unknown uncontrollable force. 

I could not ignore this soft murmur, this constant call in my head. It came to me just like a shadow, a light breeze still holding a residue of his voice. A lullaby that played the same tune over and over. I wished them to stop, leave me alone, let me rule my own thoughts again.

There was only one way to stop this haunting. I must go look for the answer to this question there were it was born. But leaving towards the black unknown felt like the hardest decision  I ever made in my life. As hard as it would have been saying to Cassidy that I would be leaving for a while, a goodbye would make it even more difficult. She wouldn't let me go and I wouldn't be able to release her from my last embrace, even if I knew it would have not been the very last. Watching her waving goodbye would just be to much to take.






Picture by  google images 




Friday, 15 March 2013

Shards of you



You came at dusk
                                        to leave me at dawn, 
in between we dreamt 
                                    endless fantasies... 


                                          
                       
If I close my eyes
I'll see you there 
you never leave 
I trapped you here 


What made me fall
Was just the start
Not that it hurt
And not even bled


It consumed my remaining sanity
Maybe today will be the day 
Or its not the time yet, 
For days and months I strayed 


Just to hold you 
A moment, a sight 
If only dusk could hold you 
I wish dawn never comes 


Somehow I just know 
That you never love me 
But I'll live In a dream  
In this dream, wish I never wake




I slowly watched my self go 
I was held trapped by you 
Helpless I just stared at you 
And you just stared at me from distance 




Counting the days to meet you
Fly away to a place unknown 
Just before dusk 
A place no one knows my face 







You came at dusk
                                       To leave me at dawn,
In between we dreamt 
                                   Endless fantasies... 








I had to do what I had to do, I could not wait for it to come to me, standing with arms wide open waiting for a sign, a movement. It could have taken forever or perhaps, never to happen....




Picture by tumblr
Just like in my dream...first picture to come up this morning...I'm afraid  I know where this is...
destiny once more...







Tuesday, 12 March 2013

There where the grass is greener?




I felt like no longer she looked at me the same way as before, I felt she was getting distant and more distant as days went on. Perhaps it was just me or just in my head, but the thing is, that I felt uncomfortable with this situation, and the more days that passed the stronger this feeling became. Now what I promised to my self seemed to be distant, the person I tried to forget and avoid felt like he was what I wanted, what I needed back then, he felt warm even if he was distant, and Cassidy felt cold even when we made love.

I was sure I love her, but I was not sure I loved her the same way as before. We have been trough so much in the past years, we had our happy moments our sad moments, we smiled... we laughed... we cried...we painted this life together starting from a blank canvas, but I felt like I was not the author of the painting, I simply could not see  myself in it any more.

I wished I had time to think things over, but I could not take for ever. After all I felt like it would be selfish of me to do so, must not forget I was not alone feeling this way, I was more then just sure.

Guga kept me trapped under his spell for months, he gave me all that back then I needed, from attention to care. But he could not offer love, he never did since the beginning, he just offered me an escape route just that, all the rest was just in my head, just an illusion,  I wanted just an acknowledgement but he never gave me that. At least I knew were he was standing and where his feelings would lead him...I did not know where mine would lead me!. 

The day I told Guga I might be falling for him even if I never met him in person was the day that the relationship started to change. He never looked for love, or if he secretly was, he never shared that with me, after all he was a reserved person. From that day our encounters started to diminish, to the point I started to forget how his voice sound, how his face looked like. Only my thoughts of him never changed.

It was the time when I realised and started asking the question to myself...what was I doing?.
I felt used and mentally abused, I let him do this to me, filling me up with his sweet words, making me feel good about my self...I could not hate him for that....no I couldn't...

I tried my best to avoid any contact with him and just ignored all of his messages, I wanted to take control back of  my life and my emotions. No more I left him be the ruler of my dreams...



...at least I tried.







Picture google images


Friday, 8 March 2013

Light


Thought that I was strong, but falling for you felt to sweet and to good...










With the days that passed Guga infiltrated deeper and deeper in my mind and well under my skin. I tried to ignore him, refuse to believe what my mind was telling me. I wanted to be true to Cassidy, but I feared she will never understand so I  buried these feeling even deeper.

I hated my self to let me fall for him, I tried to ignore him,  walk away, but this was not possible. Leaving him behind forcing myself to make me forget him, forcing myself to find something wrong within him, I even started building up possibilities of my own to make me turn my mind away from him. But ....his face, his words....I could not just ignore. Guga followed me and kept calling my name and I followed.

Then an obsession, a constant image in my head, violently invading my thoughts, I wanted to know more, I wanted to know who and why this person was invading my thoughts. I wanted to know or find something that would have made me hate him, to give me a reason to cut off this relation, and burn the bridges that connected us.

I wanted to make sure this person was for real. I wanted to know everything about him. Secretly I looked up for him on the web...

For days I looked and searched using the little information I had, then when I was sick and tired of it and about to give up... information started to emerge.

First a picture then a second name, then a university a working place...slowly was building an image of who this Guga was, I realised that all that he shared was real.  I felt so bad  to have doubted him, to have not believed.

I now knew all about him his family, working place, friends and favourite places to hang. This obsession devoured  every thing else...he was a constant in my head. He could not leave...he wouldn't leave..and I wouldn't let him go.... it was now to late to go back.



No more I walked away, Stranded and tired I let my self fall into destiny's hands....  







Picture by tumblr 




Monday, 25 February 2013

A warm place


 There were times where I could look with a honest heart  into your eyes...





Decided to talk my heart out to Cassidy, it was time to face my fears and my doubts. All I could do was to stare into her eyes, looking at my own reflection in her now teary eyes.
At the end of our discussion I was even more confused, I kissed Cassidy over and over, I made love to her. And there I was sure I loved her...but this was even more confusing to me...

There were times where I stumbled and fall...

Face my fears, living in this void will not be of any help, decided to come out clean with Guga and tell him all about what was going in my head... may be talking to him would have found an answer to some of my questions and clear some of my confusion...

"Never fall in love with me he said..." but it was just to late...to late to turn my back on this sentiment. It felt horrible in its beautiful reality.


There were times where I could look into your eyes and feel safe...

I led myself to an unstoppable deterioration, I doubted my self I doubted my love for Cassidy. I doubted everything and nothing. Only God knows how lost I felt, how much I prayed and wished to understand what was going on in my head. But as they say everything happens for a reason, and before I drove my self to insanity I opened my heart and mind to my new found friend Gwanni, he listened and understood my feelings, he asked no questions and showed me unconditional love in its true form. There I started to realise that what was going on in my head could be understandable and normal. Loving someone else while in a relationship it could happen, loving someone of my own sex it was possible and mostly... I was normal to feel confused, lost and afraid... at the end of this long dark tunnel I found a glowing warm place to rest, waiting with open arms for me to feel safe...a place I could call home or if I may dare to call it family.


There were times where it felt good to feel scared...




Picture By tumblr




Monday, 18 February 2013

The fall


I tried to give a name to the feelings inside my head but as much as I might have tried all was in vain, or perhaps I was scared to give it a name. I could try as I may but I could not get Guga out of my head, he followed me during the day, at night he ruled my thoughts making it hard to close my eyes. He taunted me in my dreams. He became my refuge, my escape, my strength.

For days I was lost in the meanders of my mind, to finally put an answer to my questions. With each passing day the more I wanted to know about this person, that now was well deep under my skin.

Love?, could it be possible...how? In my entire life I had never felt such a gravity towards my own sex, now.. all of a sudden it was happening. I must be honest, I hated my self, I tried to ignore this feeling but the more I tried the more I wanted of him. There I was... lost and confused.

Cassidy knew something was not right, but decided not to ask, I decided not to share, after all our relationship started deteriorating bit by bit, and I could have never found the guts to talk things out, this is not natural or real I thought. But it was real, as real as the air I breathe. Could not tell anyone about it, was afraid that no one would understand what was going on inside my head. After all I could not understand my own self and feelings, to that day I only imagined love between the opposite sex, love between the same sex was simply unthinkable!. Then slowly I started placing answers to my questions, Love could come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love could overcome distance, love could change one's beliefs.

Now I gave a name to the feeling that invaded my body and mind, but was it the same from the other side of the monitor?.

Guga seemed to be honest, I believed in him and in all that he said. He opened my eyes to look to the meaning of love in a totally different way I was used to... and I was ready to take every risk just to know he shared the same feeling I did...every risk...even at cost of loosing her...









Picture by tumblr 





Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Sweet decadence


Fast was our decline from heaven, again things spinned out of control, but I am not giving you up love. 


Can you fall for someone you've never met?


I could not understand what was going on in my head, Guga had completely took over me, and the lack of conversation with Cassidy made this a lot easier to happen.

So far I retained Guga to be just a good friend, but something deep inside me told me this was not just it. Something more then just a mear friendship was going to give birth, but I feared the answered more then death in its ways and forms. Guga sensed my weakness and naiveness, may be without any bad intention or just because he was made that way! He proposed what I have longed feared it will happen.

I was just there..frozen to the unfolding events before my eyes. Helpless... helpless...helpless that is how I felt, paralysed even more with every word he said. Words that now have become actions and saw them materialising before my eyes. I uncovered a part of Guga I did not know, he seemed to be genuine and spoke the truth and I believed...

...I believed every single thing he said and done, and with every word and action I felt deeper and deeper in this oblivion.

When the time came to say goodbye, I fell back into my self, I could not believe what I have just did, I felt disgusted of my own self, but yet it felt safe and warm, not in a way I can describe. What I have done was never in any of my dreams or desires but yet it felt so good, too good I'm afraid. Satisfied Guga just smiled and filled me up with more sweet words, words I have not heard in a very long time, words that I craved for,  words that were meant to make me ask for more.

How could I ever do such thing, how? how? how? I kept asking myself over and over again. Overwhelmed by feelings I could not speak, but my words took the form of tears, I could not remember the last time I tasted the saltiness on my lips, it was way to long ago. Scared by this truth scared of what It have just been done... yet I smiled, comforted by his words till I made it to my sleeping refuge. There I called for a rest but he haunted me even in my dreams...



Picture by tumblr





Monday, 11 February 2013

A knight in rusted armour




Grim topic you have chosen my love, very grim indeed... if you think about it. Not quite suitable for the night I thought. But quite fascinating in its metaphoric meaning. Lately the subject raised more then just once, perhaps a sign?, or just pure coincidence. Or may be its just in my head,  many times I fear you discovered my long kept secret...

We die two times in our life, when we close our eyes for the last time and when our name is called for the last time.

Watching your vivid eyes shimmering to the flickering candle lights curious and exited peeking trough a golden mark made me see what made me fall for you. A constant fall in this bottomless pit of dreams sometimes warm and comforting, other times cold and dark.   

"Your my knight in shining armour"  you said, I smiled and fell in love all over again, just like I do every time I find the guts to look deeply into your eyes.

Even on the day were I was suppose to be away from it all, destiny followed me and guess something more then just destiny. Its funny and scary at the same time, "it" recognised me even if I hid behind my gilded mask. "Castille" it read, I smiled and set down quietly to the table, you leaned down gently and whispered the word "destiny". I am not sure what scared me more, to see that destiny followed me or to hear you utter such word upon discovering our placement. But if all this meant to fall more and more for you I am more then happy to feel such fear.

Isn't  it funny how we let the past alter our future, how a tiny event leave big repercussions upon our lives, the way we change our way of thinking the way we act.

I thought I would have to loose you along the way, but you stayed besides me, picking up the bits and pieces I left behind. Loving every single bit of me for what I am, for what I have to give.

I have to retain my self as a lucky person to encounter such a person along my way, you sacrificed you for me not giving a toss what others thought, you synchronised to my rhythm... slowed down when I did... forgetting the world out there never looking back.

A knight in shining armour you called me. I have long forgotten those words, almost I feel uncomfortable to hear them placed on the same sentence with my name. It have been a long time since I wore my armour to lead you out of the dark woods, way to much, to the point of forgetting the way out. At the very end I will have to face and fight my demons, wanting it or not.  





Picture by google images 


Thursday, 7 February 2013

Things I wish I never knew



Things started deteriorating between Cassidy and me, arguments were the order of the day. She was stressed, I was stressed we were of no help to each other, we opted for silence. Anger many times reigned supreme, we did not look for solutions we just tried to escape from the problems we started to face. She simply had nowhere to release her build up of thoughts, so she just emptied all of them on me, but I am afraid I had my issues too, I could not take more...I was tired...our flame seamed to be slowly dying out.





I needed to share what I was going trough and the only person I could talk to was Guga. He listened to my whining day after day and comforted me when I needed. He was truly a Godsend. The more I shared the more I trusted him, the more I trusted him the more I told him about me, the more I told him about me the more I felt closer to him. 

One day just out of the blues he asked me if we could talk face to face, as this friendship have grown and now we both trusted each other. I accepted without a second thought,  there was no need. I knew that behind that monitor and changing text there was a good person. It felt like something I wanted to do for ages, but somehow I never wanted to take the first step towards it....  to look in the eyes of the person I shared all of my self with... the person that I so felt comfortable with.

I have absolutely no idea of what happened there, but the moment I switched on the cam all I could see were his eyes, I could not look away, I stood looking at him saying no word uttering no sound!. He was there, he was real, it felt somewhat good, yet I feared a feeling I knew very well. To well I'm afraid!, but I ignored it, I refused to believe. This cannot not be real...

This happened day after day. We called each other every single day. Just to share the daily events or just a smile or troubles at work or to talk about Cassidy. 

I felt so comfortable and so close that it was scary, I buried my emotions deep down but now it was maybe too late. This feeling I was so familiar with reached deep as my core....there I felt helpless again, I hated my self for this, I could not understand what took over my senses...all I knew was that it was real, and it was happening...  




Picture by tumbler 






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